forbidden word / feeling

[Blueberry]

In an answer I wrote a couple of minutes ago to somebody else's post I mentioned that I "fortunately" don't have much contact to my M (as in 'mother'). I noticed right away how I kind of seized up inside. Forgot to breathe briefly, tensed up, maybe even a quick freeze. That just shows me how deeply ingrained the FOO message is: no criticism of M allowed, removing myself from M not allowed, existing in my own right and feeling relieved that I now have a noticeable boundary is not allowed.

And as for expressing all of that, well it's still really hard. Partially I'm worried that somebody in FOO could read my post, although there's probably way less than 1% chance of any of my FOO members ending up here or on any other website for people healing from C-PTSD, and even if they did, they probably wouldn't have the self-awareness to recognise themselves and their behaviour. If they did have the self-awareness, then theoretically it would be good that they finally heard my side. Theoretically. But somehow it frightens me anyway, the idea of being found out. Ooops, yes, there's a memory. Not really a new one.

[Absent]

Everything in your post feels very relevant to myself as well. You recently replied to a topic I posted in which, for the first time online, I share a specific life event. Not only I feel unable to use the M word, but while writing the post my brain was going through scenarios of her seeing my post and confronting me publicly, and convincing everyone of her delusions that she is the victim.
Anyway not trying to over take the topic. Just wanted to let you know I completely understand your reaction and feelings. I think you are very self-aware and you amaze me. I wish I could give you a real
best of wishes to you.

[Kizzie]

I've been here since the beginning (AUg 2014), and it has never happened to my knowledge that family have run into one another.  One thing about those with NPD is that they probably won't find their way here because they tend to think everyone else is the problem. And if any other FOO show up they are likely going to be focused on themselves and concerned about getting well themselves.

It's amazing how deep is our fear of those who traumatize us, but I also know only too well what happens if we are found out to have views that do not please - smear campaign, fear, guilt, shame .......

That fear helped us when you think about it, it kept * from raining down on us because there's no way they could accept what we had to say.  Here though it is pretty much safe and once that idea begins to  take hold it can be so very freeing to finally give voice to your truth.

So keep on posting! 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i had that experience when posting about a now ex-friend who actually signed up for this forum, and we knew each others' names here.  i had wonderfully supportive feedback from people here, but i got very nervous that she was going to see it (she hasn't yet, that i know of, used this forum as a resource).

i told my hub (he knows her, too, knows what i wrote about her here) and he said that even if she did see it, she would also see the responses and it might give her pause, make her think.  as far as i know that never happened, and with everyone's help here i did manage to go nc with her. 

in an email to her, where i told her how i felt about something she did, and how i'd run it past others (not only here, but my hub and daughter - she knew her, too), who i didn't specify, she responded with a scathing email that included mentioning my 'enabling' support people.  that response was enough to show me what i was dealing with, and made the nc idea more concrete. 

as kizzie said, these people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they somehow brush aside the truth of what's going on with us as it pertains to them.  i'm glad i brought it out into the open here on the forum, glad for all the support, and glad to now have her out of my life.  it was a relief.    i know now that it doesn't matter who might see what i post, they will do with it as they see fit.  if it's something neg., i know, with the help of my friends here, that i can get away from it and put it where it belongs - in the trash. 

i also had that taboo feeling about talking about my ex and some of his issues that had hurt me.  he'd told them to me in confidence, and i felt like i was breaking a sacred bond by saying them 'out loud' here to others.   there was nothing sacred about what he did - i realize that now.  but, getting it out of me was getting the poison of his crapola out of me. 

that's what we're here for.  it's like we are the universe where, when we speak, finally, about the gunk and muck that has gone on in our lives, we can carry it away and dispose of it for each other.  i'm so grateful for that.  i hope you can keep clearing it all out of you, too, my dear.  big hug to you.

[Blueberry]

Absent, Kizzie and sanmagic, thanks very much for your answers. I'm having trouble formulating anything else to say. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate what you wrote or that I don't agree or anything. So    to you all instead of words.

[Blueberry]

Kizzie, thanks for your explanation here. One month on and I'm being far more outspoken here about what I went through in FOO. I don't actually think that any of my FOO members would end up on here, whether they've got NPD or just fleas. Still everybody remains convinced that Blueberry causes all the problems. Reading on OOTF shows me that's what happens when there's a SG like me. So long as there's a SG, nobody needs to look at their own stuff. So good reason to keep me in my place, right?

Whole content of some of my posts is forbidden not just a word or feeling.      to myself.

Absent, thank you for the compliment on my self-awareness. In the last few months I've been working hard in therapy on noticing the signals my body has been showing me. I have got a lot better at it. Nice when somebody else realises that because that reinforces it for me.

[Kizzie]

   and      to you Blueberry! 

[joyful]

Kizzie thank you for saying that families haven't ever run into each other here! I am terrified of that too... but it's good to know that it hasn't happened yet. And i feel like this is the ONE single place where i would be believed and supported and F would be recognized for what he is.

[Candid]

there's no way they could accept what we had to say.  Here though it is pretty much safe and once that idea begins to  take hold it can be so very freeing to finally give voice to your truth.

[silentrhino]

I used to identify with your fear of FOO recognizing you.  I have lost that fear due to feeling less attached to them and their reactions.  I have no fear that FOO would ever read this board, that would conclude some sort of non narcissistic behavior, not gonna happen in my lifetime with my FOO

[Blueberry]

Thanks for that idea, silentrhino, gives me something to look forward to. I'm still de-taching from FOO and their reactions.