I need support

[Blayzze]

Hi

I'm so exhausted.  I've bee looking for a place to rest my head where even one person outside of my therapist understands and can empathize.  I'm agoraphobic, severely socially removed, on meds (which I hate) and have all the expected classic symptoms of a Narcissistic Abuser Survivor, so I won't bore anyone with that.  I came across a website this morning called Flying Monkeys.  After reading how strongly they suggested an on-line support group, I decided to try one more time to find a forum, but had only ever searched for PTSD forums, which as you can imagine are not where someone like me belongs.  I joined a CODA site as well, and although I can relate to a lot of what goes on in the life of a Co-dependent, it runs so much more deep and wide than that for me.   There isn't a lot out there for people who specifically suffer from C-PTSD.  I didn't even realize that was my official diagnosis until quite recently. 

I've been abuser free for a little over a year and I just don't feel much better than I did the day he left, except for the fact that now I'm glad he is gone.  It took me a long while to fully understand with what I had truly been experiencing for 13 years. 

I'm also a survivor of suicide.  My first husband after 12 years and two kids.  And I'm just tired.  So tired. 

Thank you for reading.  I will be lurking a bit and reading some stories.  I hope there might be something here that I need.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Blayzze    Rest assured you are in the right place.  It sucks the energy right out of you to live with someone who has NPD, there are many of us know that here so there are lots of people to relate to.  If you're able to carve out time for yourself, lots of rest and quiet can help calm your overactive nervous system.  I still take at least an hour mid-day alone in my bedroom, curtains pulled and a noise machine with running water and it restores me I find. 

I also wanted to point out that we do have a new forum here for those who developed CPTSD in adulthood versus in childhood. You can post there or anywhere that seems relevant but just wanted to mention that. 

And, we have a sister site Out of the Fog that you may want to do some reading at as it is for people who were affected by someone's personality disorder.  I went there first and got lots of insight into how my FOO's NPD had resulted in my having Complex PTSD as well as how to deal with anyone who has NPD when I run into one.  I keep my distance from my FOO, but they are everywhere unfortunately.

Again, welcome and hope some of this is helpful 

[sanmagic7]

welcome, blayzze, so glad you made it here.

i've found this forum and the people here not only understanding, but kind, caring, and extremely supportive.  i hope you find the same.  keep lurking as long as you want, post and share when you feel ready.

i've been through that exhausted state you speak of-  (also narc ex and daughter, both of whom i've eliminated from my life).   lots of rest and lots of info and support assuring me that i wasn't crazy, or lazy, that this is all part of the beast i call c-ptsd, has helped me tremendously.   wishing you time for you, gentle cradling and soothing of your wounded self, and eventually, the strength and energy to move forward.  with you all the way. 

[Blayzze]

Thank you so much.  Today was a particularly bad day.  I can't identify how I feel or why I feel it with any other words than I feel bad and I feel tired.  My therapist keeps a sheet of adjectives in her office for me.  I should probably make a copy and carry it with me always.   All I know is that it's 6 pm on the first sunny Sunday that we have had in my area for months and that I had a list of things that I wanted to do today including taking a shower and getting dressed and I didn't accomplish even one of them and i'm seriously berating myself for it.  I was in bed most of the day sleeping and spinning in my head.

I just started facing that my trauma began in childhood.  It's been easy to blame my ex for all of it because he was probably the worst a abuser, but the fact is that I am a survivor of this since childhood at the hands of both of my parents and my stepfather.   I believe this is the reason why I have been feeling desperate lately to find a support system outside of the 50 minute sessions once every other week.   I'm just lost.

[Three Roses]

the fact is that I am a survivor of this since childhood

Me, too.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, i hear you, blayzze.  been there, done that.  it's part of the cycle, and i don't doubt that you'll eventually cycle out of this phase and into a more positive one.  that's the only thing that's gotten me thru some of these tough times is knowing this, too, shall pass.

learning and realizing where this all started can be rough mentally and emotionally.  i can see now where what happened in my childhood set me up for all the abusive relationships i went into and stayed too long with.  take your time, go at your own pace.  this is your recovery.  work at it as it feels best for you.

keep taking care of yourself as best you can.  you'll get there.  big hug.

[Candid]

Welcome to the forum, Blayzze.

I had a list of things that I wanted to do today including taking a shower and getting dressed and I didn't accomplish even one of them and i'm seriously berating myself for it.

Another veteran of lapsed hygiene here, only I don't care. I hope you'll soon drop that serious berating; it gets you nowhere.

I was in bed most of the day sleeping and spinning in my head.

I'm sorry to hear that. About the spinning, I mean. I fight the feeling of "nothing to get up for" most mornings, so I understand this. And staying in bed all day isn't such a bad idea when we're processing Heavy Stuff.

I am a survivor of this since childhood

And I'm another. It's a shocking discovery, isn't it?

I have been feeling desperate lately to find a support system outside of the 50 minute sessions once every other week.   I'm just lost.

Not any more, Blayzze. You've found an online family, a safe place where you can write out anything you want to get off your chest, knowing you'll receive nothing but support, validation and hugs. Here's one from me: