Berceuse's journal

Started by berceuse, March 12, 2017, 09:08:57 PM

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sanmagic7

take your time, as always.   :hug:

berceuse

Ok, some good news first. I started EMDR therapy. Even during the first session (just telling my story) I felt very validated, I did not freeze at all and I can even say that I felt grounded and alive after it.  We did not start the EMDR sessions yet but I strongly think the therapist is a good fit.

I blocked my ex-boss on my phone. He seems like an overt N and I had a very codependent relationship with him. Though I stopped working for him 2 years ago, we were still in touch. But, not anymore. :cheer:

I think I have found an antidote to one of the worst feelings I often have or flashback to; I am not a part of family/friends/humanity/earth and will never fit in anywhere. The universe does not question whether I am entitled to exist. I exist therefore I am a part of this. Even after I stop existing, my body will be buried here and be a part of a new life (I am not talking about reincarnation). Noone can change this fact. Noone has that kind of a power. Not my M, not me. I had thought about it before but I think this time it sinks in. I guess I finally stopped feeling like Frankenstein's monster.

I generally have some kind of realization, sometimes feels like a catharsis, during full moons. This again makes me feel one with all the things that exist and arouses so much love in me.

On the other hand, rage and hatred are coming up like a flood. I had a mild breakdown two weeks ago and started to look for a room. Then canceled the appointments I made, after seeing the EMDR therapist. Because I felt that I need to feel free to make a decision. My decision to move out is coming from a need to run away because I can't handle the feelings (anger and hatred or even numbness). Now, I kind of regret it because I don't understand why I am making this to myself. Sometimes, it feels like I have two realities.


Blueberry

Tons of good news and progress in there Berceuse  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Rage and hatred: emotions come with healing. When I feel flooded by them, it's not so good. What can I do with them?? etc.

You took a step (looking for a room), then drew back. You're not alone - I do this kind of thing a lot. You had a reason to act this way.  It's OK, just keep on, keeping on.  :hug:

Sceal

So glad you found a therapist that you feel comfortable with, and who'll help you through EMDR!
Seems you got alot of insight already, before starting properly.  :cheer: That's wonderful!

sanmagic7

berceuse, nothing but happiness for you.  feeling validated and comfy with your t on your first meeting bodes well for the process, to my mind.  i hope it continues like that for you.

as for the rest, i, too, hope that sticks with you.  it's my firm belief that we already belong here because we are here.  i'm glad you've been able to see that as well.  i believe you belong.  you're one of us.  love and a big hug filled with all good things for you.