Berceuse's journal

[DecimalRocket]

Hey Berceuse, I don't think I've talked to you before. So nice to meet you.

It's tough to be numb. A lot of people in a similar place do all kinds of unhelpful things to do something about the numbness. But you're able to ask help here as well as spend time in something you love — drawing.

[berceuse]

  to you Sanmagic,
and nice to meet you DecimalRocket and thank you for your reply.

I feel selfish for trying to share my thoughts, feelings or asking for help or trying to get attention. IC says that everyone has already their own problems and you are being a baby to demand their time. So, there is no room for me. I'm simply asking too much. Maybe, I already did. I don't deserve attention. I deserve being invisible and that's how I try to honor that belief. I'm really trying to be non-existent. I feel ashamed to be seen. I don't want to meet my friends because I am ashamed of myself. I am not enough. I will never be enough. Enough for what? For sb else's love and validation which I desperately seek for.

Maybe, it is time to put an end to that quest for love and always changing imaginary demands that it brings alongside. I am tired of trying to guess people's reaction and always trying to be ready. This is what is left from my childhood and I don't want to carry this with me anymore. I am not in a battle. I am not in a competition and I am not a doormat. What I live, what I feel, what I think matter. They don't need to meet any invisible, stupid standard to make them worthwhile enough to share.

[berceuse]

Okay, I had a decision about dealing with my healing (reading, watching videos, thinking, etc.) only in the evening, so that I can concentrate on my freelance work which is translation. I still think it is better to separate healing and working time. I'll see if it is manageable. However, one thing keeps bothering me. So, I want to get it out.

***Trigger warning***

I still have that suicidal thought, plan whatever and I daydream about it (usually not intentional). Anyway, today in the morning I had a daydream about my funeral and I saw friends, relatives... talking about like "She was really sad," "She was depressed since college," "I remember signs that she was depressed," etc. At that brief moment, I felt sad. It is a validation. Maybe, I see suicide as a validation of my feelings and of course, it is coming from others. It is not real that I feel sad (insert any emotion here) unless somebody sees, validates, recognizes it. I don't want to get angry at me for this although I have an urge to do.

I think these are signs of codependency. I am relatively new to the term and it does not have a solid definition in my head right now.

Behind that shell of "I don't care about people or anything", I have a thought pattern, a system that is desperate to get validation, acceptance. Actually, in everything I made, I imagine a person (usually someone close) telling me what I am doing wrong, how they feel (usually sth negative) about it which fuels anxiety.

I have a job interview tomorrow and the first thing that comes to my mind is how I will fail. I can't hide how empty I am. I don't know anything and daydreaming the faces of friends talking desperately about me, trying to help me because I have some kind of inferiority. Everyone in my life is an authority figure. What kind of a sick system rules me?

[Three Roses]

I'm well-acquainted with codependency. It's the fawn 4F reaction IMO.

When my brain starts sending me into negative territory, that's the time for me to start "thought correction". (I couldn't find an example or link, I'll look more later.) If I find myself imagining my utter failure, I just start imagining an alternative ending. When I can't get my Inner Critic to be quiet, I imagine her wearing a Groucho Marx nose, mustache and glasses and then I can't stop laughing at everything she says.

Fight fire with fire, I say. When my ICr wants to show me all the ways I could fail, I say, "But maybe we'll have a parade with a brass band - who knows?"

[sanmagic7]

here is someone accepting and validating you, berceuse, just for who you are.  no expectaions, no judgments. no disciplinary police looking over your shoulder to tell you 'right' from 'wrong' ways to be, think, speak, want.  nope. 

it sounded like you had a glimmer of defiance to that ICr for a minute.  i hope you can fan that spark of resistance until it burns bright and beautiful.   there's more to you than you know, i think, and it may just be beginning to peek it's head out from behind the curtain.  just what i'm seeing in you.

warm, loving hug filled with validation, acceptance, and gladness that you do exist and you're here.  yay!

[Blueberry]

Berceuse,

I have had daydreams about my funeral before too. It was also my way of looking for validation for various things. I haven't had these daydreams for a long time now though.

Standing with you in finding self-validation.  Good luck with your job application tomorrow.

[berceuse]

Threeroses, Sanmagic and Blueberry,

Thank you so much for your nice words and validation, it made me smile. I want to reply in detail however my ICr worked really hard  and I feel so tired because of constant anxiety.

As for the interview, It was quick. I will start working there, a publishing house, tomorrow. I am optimistic about this one (deep inside).

[Blueberry]

That's great Berceuse, about the job 

[sanmagic7]

yippee and yahoo for you, berceuse!!!   

[DecimalRocket]

 

[berceuse]

Thank you all though it will be official after a month of trial.

I still am tired because of anxiety. I want to fight ICr but I think fighting is not working for me. I am attacking myself in every possible way.  Sometimes he (I dont know why ICr has a male identity) persuades me. Now, I feel really selfish for talking too much about me.

My mind is very busy with thinking about every possible critic people may come up with.  That disciplinary police as you said San, is working really hard. I don't have the strength now to rebel that tyranny.

Okay, now, I will go out, buy myself a nice dessert and something to cook and I will enjoy my evening. It is doable. I can do it.

[sanmagic7]

i hope your meal was thoroughly enjoyable and fed your spirit as well as your body.

maybe it's time for a different tack, berceuse.  maybe it's time to stop fighting so  hard, to take a break or try something different.  i like how 3roses has said she will often picture her ICr with groucho marx mustache, big nose and glasses, and start laughing at it. 

i think the ICr is just another bully, and bullies are deflated when not taken seriously.  they use fear as a means to feel good about themselves, to build themselves up and feel stronger, cuz their reality is that they are so very afraid at their core, and feel very weak.

or, maybe, and this just popped into my head, you can thank your ICr for their opinion, tell them you'll take it under consideration, and then go about your day.  unorthodox, perhaps, but just another angle.  i've often said 'thank you' to people when they've said something hurtful to me.  it completely deflated them - they had no more of anything to say to me and walked away. 

just some ideas.  personally, i'm glad you talk about you.  it's been interesting getting to know you.  you are becoming more real to me, and i like that.  big hug filled with warmth and love.

[Blueberry]

Berceuse, i hope you enjoyed your meal! Yay for self-care 

Now, I feel really selfish for talking too much about me.

Of course this is your ICr you just quoted  This is your Journal, I expect to read lots about the owner of the journal in it. And it's good to get to know you better. 

I still am tired because of anxiety. I want to fight ICr but I think fighting is not working for me. I am attacking myself in every possible way.  Sometimes he (I dont know why ICr has a male identity) persuades me.

Sounds familiar. I take my aggression out on myself. Fighting self or others makes me very tired. Sometimes I calmly tell my ICr that life has moved on and that ICr is not up to date. I also use a lot of visualisation techniques. One is to shove a wooden stick between the spokes of a wheel to stop thoughts of any sort from repeating themselves.

[berceuse]

Dear Sanmagic and Blueberry,

Thank you for your replies. I am not used to this. I mean I know people on this forum are validating and make me feel that I am worth listening but I guess I did not feel it. I just knew it. I think the idea of being seen is so foreign to me. The possibility of feeling close brings so much fear alongside.

I have been trying to avoid contact both online and IRL since the last time I wrote and I thought I don't really know the reason. I think I just explained it above. Still, I have this urge to stop writing and logout and just read the posts like a ghost.

I will stop for now. I am sorry if I am somehow being rude. 

[DecimalRocket]

Berceuse, you're not being rude at all. It's natural for people with trauma like us to believe that we don't deserve to be heard.

I can relate to those feelings a lot as well. It's a pretty lonely feeling. But suffering often grows without support, without love and without acceptance — so you need as much of it as possible — unless you want some space, which is fine.

It's okay to take trusting this place at your own pace. Too much and it can overwhelm much of us here.

Take care.