An introduction

[Figment]

Hello! I just found this resource after googling desperately after a terrible weekend of yo-yoing uncontrollably between hypervigilant anxiety and derealization. Two words that are still so new to me to use that I'm not sure I've ever said them out loud. I just spent some time reading through the things you all have written here and I think I feel less alone. Thank you.

I ... should probably introduce myself, but I am not really ready to detail my story. Especially since I am a little overwhelmed by all of the subforums and uncertain where I fit:  I don't remember anything before CSA* but when I look back it feels like my adulthood has also been trauma and wreckage.  That isn't accurate:  I'm 30, my boyfriend and I have been together for five years and he's wonderful, we have an excellent cat together, and I am in grad school and mysteriously am pretty good at it even now.

But the last year and a half has also been one of the hardest of my life on a minute-to-minute basis. After getting half the DMV-IV thrown at me in my teenage years I avoided mental healthcare for most of my adulthood. Which--I was not, by any one's standards, a functioning adult human--but my life was objectively the best it had ever been for the first couple of years after I met my BF:  he is so kind and stabilizing, and it's because of his support that I went back to college, got a BA, and applied to grad school. But then in the span of two years a bunch of things happened, the sorts of single events that can cause regular PTSD for anyone. And my head and sense of self and fragile system of kinda-coping all just shattered.

By the end of 2015 things were so bad that I got help. Or, more accurately, I reached a point where I couldn't see any options at all and my BF convinced me that I should let him walk me to the university counseling center. The mental health team I ended up with through that walk-in were the first in my life to suggest not only PTSD, but CPTSD. It's been a revelation--so many things make sense now, there are words for things I've had happen all of my life--but it also took me a good year to get to a point where I could even begin to accept the diagnosis. In part because getting treatment is very hard for me and I resist it at every turn:  I have known enough terrible mental health practitioners to recognize analytically that my therapists** and psychiatrist are all insightful and great at their jobs--but I also do not trust them, and a lot of the time I am abjectly frightened of them.  But a more profound hurdle is that accepting this diagnosis means having to acknowledge my life before age 20 instead of treating it like something I read about in a really sad novel once years ago.

I feel like this is where I should go into detail about symptoms--if only to convince myself, again, that registering and writing this was a good idea. But I can't right now. My BF is across the country with his mother, who has cancer, and I am alone with my head, which is basically a haunted house.***

I don't know if I will ever get better. The more I learn about CPTSD the more I feel like it affects--and always has--every single part of my existence. I don't know what "better" looks like, can't imagine it. Even on my very best days I can still only think maybe a week into the future. I don't mean that as a self-destructive euphemism (I read the rules and they're great rules):  it just feels like getting through every day and minute take all of my energy so I have none left over to think ahead. And also time is super broken for me lately which is probably a symptom with an official name that I might find in one of your subforums if I knew where to look for it...

So, um. Hi. I probably sound doubtful, and I am, but I am actually happy to have found this place. You all seem so smart and self-aware.

*(Yes, I studied the acronyms! Yes, it feels like an accomplishment, so I'm highlighting it.)

**(I have two Ts:  the first one I saw helped me transition to a female therapist with experience in trauma. She is my weekly or bi-weekly real therapist. But I really strangely trust T1 even though the fact that he's male makes it impossible for me to tell him, well, most things? I guess it's because he was one of the first people in my life to really see me, which he managed even though I hadn't disclosed anything about my life. I see him about once a month, usually right about when I am trying to find a way to justify quitting therapy altogether because I am apparently like clockwork in my cycle of distrust. I call him my meta-therapist:  we talk about trust and power and intersubjectivity and language in the broadest, most philosophical and historical terms possible until I remember that I trust him, at least, despite myself. And that makes me feel okay about continuing on with T proper. It's super unorthodox but it is the only reason I have been able to stick with therapy as long as I have.)

***(Probably like the one in Shirley Jackson's Haunting of Hill House.)

[Three Roses]

Hello! I'm glad you've found this forum, welcome to your community.

it also took me a good year to get to a point where I could even begin to accept the diagnosis

Me, too.

I feel like this is where I should go into detail about symptoms--if only to convince myself, again, that registering and writing this was a good idea. But I can't right now.

You don't ever have to divulge anything here that you don't want to. No explanation necessary - you don't want to is reason enough.

And also time is super broken for me lately which is probably a symptom with an official name that I might find in one of your subforums if I knew where to look for it...

This sounds like dissociation; http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders for a brief definition.

I'm sorry to hear your weekend was not restful, and hope you have a better day tomorrow. Remember to go at your own pace; there's a lot to this.

[Candid]

I don't know if I will ever get better. The more I learn about CPTSD the more I feel like it affects--and always has--every single part of my existence. I don't know what "better" looks like, can't imagine it.

I feel the same way, Figment. I often think I was better off in the bewilderment and self-hatred I suffered in all the years up to when my sister said to me: "It was obvious you were the family scapegoat but you're an adult now and you make your own decisions." Ouch.

So I googled "family scapegoat", found a new therapist (the many previous ones couldn't have been expected to see what I hadn't seen myself); and the new T diagnosed C-PTSD. As Three Roses said, there's a lot to it. I feel great angst at not having got my eyes open sooner, when all through my life there had been flashing lights and great clanging alarm bells.

It's hard to pull your head out of a mindset that's been with you since the year dot, as the stories on our forum attest.

Anyway, welcome aboard! I look forward to knowing you better.

[Figment]

Thank you both for replying.

You don't ever have to divulge anything here that you don't want to. No explanation necessary - you don't want to is reason enough.

Thank you for this. I didn't realize how scared I was about that until you said this. I'm glad it's not an unspoken community standard.

I didn't see it in the guidelines that I read so I'll just ask:  is there any standard on replying to old threads? I saw something that I was interested in but the last post was about a month ago.

I also appreciate you pointing me towards the direction of the dissociation forum. as well.

Candid, it's so interesting that you say you sometimes feel like not knowing was better. That really rings true to me. I mean, I know that the way I understood myself and my life was fundamentally self-destructive and unsustainable but at least things made sense. There are things (especially with the dissociation types) that I didn't even realize weren't just normal parts of everyone's experience--or, with some aspects, abnormal but in a way that I thought was my fault or decision or something. It's crazy how disoriented I feel just from having names for things...

[Three Roses]

Replying to old threads is fine! 

[Candid]

I know that the way I understood myself and my life was fundamentally self-destructive and unsustainable but at least things made sense.

My life makes sense to me now, in that I understand why I made all those bad decisions, but when I got my eyes open I had to do something about it. Over a painfully long period I 'lost' my whole FOO and most of the extended family as well. This leaves me with no family, no sense of belonging anywhere or with anyone. I don't even feel like I belong with my husband.

As to dissociation, I pretty much numb out all the time. We'll have to stick with the forum and hope things get better!

[Blueberry]

Replying to old threads is fine! 

Oh good! That's a question I had in my mind too since I reply to old threads too. Some of them have last been replied to a lot longer ago than a month.

[Blueberry]

Welcome Figment!        Sorry I should've written that  before posting about replies to old threads. You write that you already feel less alone. That's great that you can feel that already. I haven't been here very long yet either but I've already felt tremendous support and understanding.

I was not, by any one's standards, a functioning adult human--but my life was objectively the best it had ever been for the first couple of years after ........

... were the first in my life to suggest not only PTSD, but CPTSD. It's been a revelation--so many things make sense now, there are words for things I've had happen all of my life---.  But a more profound hurdle is that accepting this diagnosis means having to acknowledge my life before age 20 instead of treating it like something I read about in a really sad novel once years ago.

I don't know if I will ever get better. The more I learn about CPTSD the more I feel like it affects--and always has--every single part of my existence. I don't know what "better" looks like, can't imagine it. Even on my very best days I can still only think maybe a week into the future. I don't mean that as a self-destructive euphemism (I read the rules and they're great rules):  it just feels like getting through every day and minute take all of my energy so I have none left over to think ahead.

A lot of your post speaks to me but I've quoted the most salient points (to me).
Looking back I don't think there was ever a time when I was a fully-functioning adult, so you're not alone there. Even before I was diagnosed (just with severe depression and anxiety to begin with) things went in cycles a bit and there were definitely times when objectively things looked pretty good like during parts of my undergrad degree and when I finally finished second degree and moved into professional working world, albeit fairly briefly :-(   

Yeeees, the revelation about things beginning to make sense. In my case it's been things like "That's why I have so much trouble with xyz." Sometimes just knowing this helps me not to harangue myself so badly.  The bit about the "profound hurdle" - well-expressed, thank you. Nothing to add, I'm still struggling.

I don't know if I'll ever get better either, at least not an objectively-speaking better. Some things have certainly improved in my life since I collapsed a number of years ago but I've also changed. I can't go back to the old me who did more or less function as an adult nor do I want to because that mode wasn't viable for long. That's why I collapsed with all sorts of symptoms eventually. I don't always know what 'better' I'm working towards. Often 'better' creeps up on me (in a positive way) and surprises me. I think I'm working on topic x in therapy and actually topic q improves.

There have been times when I could hardly look ahead to the evening of the same day, not in a self-destructive way either, just I had no idea if I would have the strength to keep going that day until the evening or would I have to lie down for a rest again before I fell over. That was without a physical ailment apart from psychosomatic pain. And even now many years later I can look ahead but I often can't feel ahead especially into situations that might be difficult. So for example I'll travel with tons of 'props', aids that I may need to not dissociate, but don't know in advance which I'll need and take all. 

As somebody else suggested, go step-by-step and at your own pace. I've found on here that so many of us have similar symptoms though fortunately we don't have to all share all symptoms  but we don't all heal the same things at the same time or pace. There are reasons for that.
Go gently with yourself. I hope you're having a better day today. I also hope you keep coming back here to read or post.

[Figment]

Candid, I phrased myself badly there. I think what I mean is something like:  My behaviors make more sense but some of the context--especially the social context--no longer does. Like you say, a lot of bad decisions and mistakes suddenly have reasons and that's kinda great! Other parts are more challenging--right now I am having a really hard time understanding disassociative behaviors and seeing them in myself. Also "triggers." Which, sadly, is a word that probably sets me off because of firearms. Why does it have to be such a violent word?? I need to think of something better before I can even try to identify them--but until I can it's like I am half-aware. Like having hearing but no vision. Before, when I thought I was just probably "crazy" it made sense--I had an explanation that was easy to not think too much about.

But when I said "things" I really meant people, specifically FOO and others closeby. It's like the understandings have swapped:  if I make sense, they don't. I don't really have any sort of toolkit or system of understanding to think about others right now and I can get myself tangled up very quickly.  At least I live far away from the FOO now so I can avoid not getting into it! It's really nice to hear several of you say to go gently and at my own pace.

Blueberry! I love blueberries! Thank you for the sweet and thoughtful reply. You make me feel so welcome. Some of the things you share ring so true, especially about the inevitability of collapse and how changed I feel. In some ways I don't want to go back. I can get angry now! Granted, I have a really hard time stopping being angry which is not great. But I stood up for a friend when she was telling me about someone mistreating her and it felt almost delicious to be angry at this person for behaving cruelly. But other things, not so great. My default is "raw and new" and it is not easy to get through a day.

I also really, really want to thank you for sharing what you did about the difficulty of seeing even into the evening on many days. When I try to express this to my friends (all three of them -- not sarcastic -- I don't have many, but I am very close to my few) or to my BF it has gone badly--they hear self-harm and nihilism. It doesn't feel that way at all. I know they are just worried, and I understand that I need to rebuild some trust. But I also need to figure out a way to express it that isn't terrifying. I don't want to keep scaring them but I would also like to be able to be honest when they ask me about Friday. Because Friday!  That's like asking what I'll be doing on May 10, 2025 or something. 

[Three Roses]

Hmm, what is as expressive as trigger but less violent. Flip of a switch, click of a button... I used to say spinning, it kind of felt dizzying at times.

I would also like to be able to be honest when they ask me about Friday. Because Friday!  That's like asking what I'll be doing on May 10, 2025 or something.

I love this!    Maybe your friends would understand if you said you have a stress disorder. I have a friend with fibromyalgia who eloquently said, "I am not unreliable. Fibromyalgia is unreliable," and went on to explain why she abruptly cancels plans and some days can do things that other days are impossible to do. And how it makes her sad that she even has to explain it. It's not visible, like a leg in a cast, so people dismiss it. Her statement really resonated with me.

[Candid]

But when I said "things" I really meant people, specifically FOO and others closeby. It's like the understandings have swapped:  if I make sense, they don't.

That's a good way of putting it. Since it was They who ousted me, and who spread the word with extended family, I feel very alone with it and I find it hard to convince myself They were wrong (all of them) and I'm right. It doesn't help that I've become increasingly withdrawn and have so very few people I can trust. It's like I've become everything mother said about me, chiefly how "difficult" I am.

I stood up for a friend when she was telling me about someone mistreating her and it felt almost delicious to be angry at this person for behaving cruelly.

I believe that's the way forward, that assertiveness with the new people in our lives begins chipping away at the rage we carry over the unfairness of it all. My trouble at the moment is that everyone I meet is so damned nice to me!

When I try to express this to my friends (all three of them -- not sarcastic -- I don't have many, but I am very close to my few) or to my BF it has gone badly--they hear self-harm and nihilism. It doesn't feel that way at all. I know they are just worried...

I know what you mean about friends. I have two good ones, one on the other side of the world and one who's too busy (genuinely, I believe) to spend time with me. That means my H cops the lot, and I know he worries about me.

I would also like to be able to be honest when they ask me about Friday. Because Friday!  That's like asking what I'll be doing on May 10, 2025 or something. 

H told me yesterday about a night out two weeks away that could involve six or eight people. I said yes of course; I can always cry off on the day if I can't manage it. But actually Going Out With People cheers me up and makes me feel normal for a while.

[Blueberry]

"My trouble at the moment is that everyone I meet is so damned nice to me!"

Candid, does that mean you would like us to stop being nice to you      so you can tap your inner rage? I'd enjoy nice, friendly while that lasts myself.