Need a job but don't want one

[Candid]

I had an appointment this morning with a back-to-work counsellor. She got me to take a skills test and decided I'd make a good paralegal, legal secretary, copy editor (yeah...), education welfare officer or family mediator. Off to the job fair on Friday, where dozens of employers will be looking for

ME!

[Candid]

I'll keep you posted. Coming back from that interview I had a lightbulb: if I can get a decently paid job, I could rent a place of my own. I'm not good at living with people. H could tell Social Security we've separated, so he could go on getting his welfare money even though his umm... former wife is working, and go on living with his mother.

This idea really gave me a boost. I'd let him visit, of course. But not give him a key.

[Candid]

I went a day early to the job fair venue and scored a list of exhibitors. Got home and googled them all, found they were all employment agencies or out-of-towners or care homes. None of that's for me, so I skipped the fair.

All except one: the local council. My employment consultant had given me a contact email for someone who organises eight-week job placements working for the council. I've decided to go for that, because you get yourself known and get a recent reference.

Quite excited about this idea. One worry: am I up for it? Since the brain injury I've been devoid of concentration and energy. I get awfully tired. My reason for wanting to jump back in (apart from the money) is that I think I'm progressively getting worse doing buggar-all all day every day. So I have to give this a go.

[sanmagic7]

good luck and best wishes with this.  keep us informed, candid.  so far, so good.  and i think you got a good realization about yourself, that you might be better off out there than sitting around all day.  i hope you're able to give it a go and see how it works.  it might be the ticket you've been looking for!  big hug!

[Blueberry]

I went a day early to the job fair venue and scored a list of exhibitors. Got home and googled them all, found they were all employment agencies or out-of-towners or care homes. None of that's for me, so I skipped the fair.

All except one: the local council. My employment consultant had given me a contact email for someone who organises eight-week job placements working for the council. I've decided to go for that, because you get yourself known and get a recent reference.

You go for it! Do some research and separate the wheat from the chaff.    It's good to hear that you're up on your feet again. 

One worry: am I up for it? Since the brain injury I've been devoid of concentration and energy. I get awfully tired.

Is there any way you could start with a part-time position and add hours as you get used to the job and/or decide for a while to leave it part-time? A medium-term part-time job is infinitely better than working a full-time one to the point of exhaustion and/or getting really sick again and having to give it all up. (IME - been there, done that).

Is there any kind of helpful provision for you as a physically disabled person? Surely your brain injury must count as that? In my country employers would have to give you longer breaks. Now if you're making use of these provisions as somebody with a psychological disability, it's not always to be recommended because you tend to get scapegoated, apparently. But physical disability is a different kettle of fish.

So I have to give this a go.

I don't have to work, I want to (in order to make some money, feel independent, get out of the house) etc etc. The naming here makes a difference!

[Candid]

Blueberry, H too suggested that I start part-time. I plan to email the placement organiser and tell her I'm available in a couple of weeks, because that's when the ABI rehab group ends. I'm assuming she'll interview me first to find out where I fit. I agree I don't want to start something and be unable to follow through, so that's something to be discussed at interview.

I hadn't thought of the potential for being scapegoated. That would be truly horrible. 

Thank you for pointing out "have to" and "want to". I want to be working again, because my working life constituted my power years. And I'm not ready to give it up!!

San, I'm actually scared to let this inactivity go on too long. It's been a year and a half since my accident and giving up university.

The ABI group has already had its session about acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that we're not the same people we were before stroke or accident, and must adjust our lives and expectations accordingly. When I think of my long career (despite everything), my interest and enthusiasm, it's really hard to accept the dull clod I am now. I don't accept it.

I will definitely update here. Thanks to both of you for your good wishes.

[Candid]

Still wading through treacle here.

The local council person finally got back to me, saying she wouldn't be able to see me until late June. I promptly made an appointment with her and am still pushing on other doors. That's on the rare days when I'm motivated to do something; far more often I wallow in Hopeless. That got me signed up with the Crisis Team at the local nuthouse. I've been really impressed with them. They have no influence on the very lengthy waiting list for trauma therapy, but they call me a few times a week and reel me in occasionally.

One suggestion from them was to sign up to a mental health organisation in town. I ummed and aahed about that because I hate being taken for mentally ill, and patronised accordingly. Anyway, Friday I went to the MHO and signed up for membership. There seems to be an opportunity for training, for getting a reference, for joining or even running groups, so I'm going to chase that up tomorrow.

Feeling some small hope today that I can get past this feeling of outrage that's been with me two years now, ever since I found out Dad had died and no one had told me. It's absolutely crippling. My chief motivation is to get the * out of my MIL's roof space, because I feel like I'm disappearing here and have zero rights, even over my own body. However, it becomes clear that I need smaller goals.

1) Do something about my fitness. The weight gain and shortness of breath are NOT helping
2) Get involved with the MHO. in whatever capacity so long as it gets me out of the house
3) Keep looking for work, paid or unpaid
4) Be as prepared as I can be for the local council interview

There was a reel-in from the nuthouse today. The woman I saw reminded me about the MHO, said I was doing everything I could towards the longer-term goal of getting out of MIL's attic, that I shouldn't be so hard on myself , and that something would give eventually.

[Blueberry]

Good to see you around again, Candid. Have missed you.

Good to hear you've being making steps forward too. 

[Candid]

Ugh, this voluntary work I'm headed for is feeling less and less like me. It's the mh organisation who've been 'training' me, and some of you are aware I've had misgivings from the start. I'm glad I kept going but I suspect I'm going to bail at some point, in a way that'll make a good reference seem unlikely.

This week I had to go along with ID stuff for a police check. I travelled by bus, so what time I got there was beyond my control. I have an anxiety thing that makes me prefer early to late, so I got there 20 mins before the appointed time. The co-ordinator, who was all sweetness and light during the childish training sessions, is suddenly showing another side. She ticked me off for being early, and was clearly annoyed. At that point I thought okay, if I'm too early again I'll find somewhere to sit and chill before I show myself. No biggie.

Next she introduced me to another peer support volunteer with better local knowledge than I have, so we could arrange to travel together for a further training session on Tuesday. We discussed this for a while, and I was factoring in the fact that I'd have at least two bus rides, so I suggested the other volunteer and I trade cellphone numbers. Co-ordinator immediately jumped on me, saying it was in the rules that all communication be via the office. I was irritated at what I considered a stupid rule and I know it showed in my face. Hold on, thought I to myself. I don't have to do this. I can walk at any time. So the other volunteer and I put our phones away.

Co-ordinator and I then went to her office for some kind of induction. She took off her blouse to reveal a vest underneath, saying she wouldn't normally dress that way for work but it was such a muggy day. I was wearing precisely such a vest, no blouse, because it was indeed warm. Was she being passive-aggressive? It would appear so. Her next question was, if there was an issue with what I did on the job, how would I prefer to be told about it? I made it clear I liked to know directly. She apparently elected to do it her own way.

It reminded me of being in my first job, when the boss stood me up in front of the office as an example of how not to dress. I was wearing one of my sister's cast-off dresses, and I was/am taller than elder sis. A few days after my final exams at school my parents had sent me to the other side of the world. I was expected to escort my grandmother back, and it was made explicit to me that when I started work I would also be expected to repay my parents for my fare and spending money. So for months I couldn't buy clothes.

Anyway, the next thing was going through the rule book. Co-ordinator and I had had a bit of back-and-forth about this meeting, and I'd sent her a one-line email -- "All good, [co-ordinator]. I look forward to meeting [other volunteer]. See you this afternoon!" This was disrespectful. She was smiling sweetly as she asked me: "Could you ensure that from now on all emails to me have my name at the top and your name at the bottom? Would you be able to manage that?"

So... next training thing is Tuesday and there are already two further appointments with this mh organisation in my diary. Co-ordinator is fully aware I've had no money coming in for the past year, and that I've signed up for this jolly hayride because I need job references. Seems to me they ask a great deal and give nothing back. What do you think?

It might be relevant that I'm older than the co-ordinator and have been university-trained in counselling techniques, which she hasn't. I'll never trust her again but hey, my greatest unacknowledged skill is acting. The question is how much longer I'll grin and bear it.

On a brighter note, the long-awaited interview at the local council comes up Monday, ie. the day before I have to do anything more for the mh mob. Since I have a wardrobe of tropical, second-hand and unflattering clothes, I'm off to town this afternoon to buy something that looks appropriate for office work. If the council interview feels positive, I'll take the risk and splash out on more. Might even get my hair done... but not for a gig meeting people with mh issues one-on-one. If I'm not exposing my irresistible body and am clean, that ought to be good enough.

[Blueberry]

I'm off to town this afternoon to buy something that looks appropriate for office work.

Way to go, Candid. 

The mh place sounds a bit toxic. I'm too tired / self-absorbed to write more. But I bet you'll come up with your own solution soon.     

[Candid]

Thanks for replying, Blueberry.

The mh place sounds a bit toxic.

It certainly feels that way to me, and I suspect the others go along with it because their own issues prevent them trusting themselves or knowing when something feels wrong. I have a long history of being well-respected in the workplace and I don't think I can fit into this one. Really hoping the council thing will go well, in which case I'll let everyone know via the office that I'm out.

I bought several tops for work but had trouble finding pants and skirts. Tried a few things on and looked so awful with all the extra weight I'm carrying that I got overwhelmed and scurried back. There's an environmental issue here. I'm homeless, dammit. It's like trying to stand up and perform with a rock on my head and my ankles shackled together.

I'll plod on. I don't have to do this. I can walk at any time.

[sanmagic7]

fingers crossed and prayers flying that the council thing comes thru.  i don't like the sound of that co-ordinator, either.  sounds kind of condescending.  not a fan.  and, yes you can walk whenever you want.  hopefully, you'll be able to with a different job under your belt.  that would be idea.  best to you, my dear.   big hug!

[Candid]

i don't like the sound of that co-ordinator, either.  sounds kind of condescending.

I needed to see that, san, and I agree with you. Thanks.

hopefully, you'll be able to with a different job under your belt.

Yeah, swimming as hard as I can to get to a place where I can look back on this time as if it were a bad dream. I've done it before, I'll do it again. Yay me!

[clarity]

Sigh. Why is the world full of such excuse me pillocks...?   The co ord sounds like your typical never grown up yet school bully type...pathetic. 

Really keeping fingers crossed for the council job Candid   

[Candid]

clarity, and thanks for your support.