Need a job but don't want one

[Candid]

Confusing title?

It's a dilemma, meaning both options are unpleasant.

H and I are living in his parents' home. He's sort-of okay with that, but I'm finding it harder every day. MIL wants us out, too.

H has a dismal employment record mostly consisting of long gaps, and hasn't held any kind of job since 2009. My last job was in 2011. I'd always worked in a specialised field which has since collapsed. Two years ago I had a brain injury and I'm still under par with that -- although it's hard to tell which symptoms are ABI and which are CPTSD.

Yesterday we made talk time to discuss how we might proceed, and concluded that we both needed to find paid work in order to be able to rent a place of our own. I've been looking at online job ads and frankly I find them all intimidating. Meanwhile I'm numbing out on the internet all day every day, trying not to think about where we're headed.

I'd love to have a job that was a good fit and, more importantly, put me among good people. Most days I just give up and fill the hours till bedtime. This is no life at all. I also have grave doubts, after 12 years of marriage, that I would have chosen H as my life partner had I not been ostracised by my FOO. Apart from when we make a date, we mostly sit in separate rooms, each on our laptops.

My confidence is in the toilet. If I were in a situation where I felt liked and appreciated I'm sure I would feel better about myself, to say nothing of having some money to pay my way. However, I balk at being able to support both of us indefinitely. If we rent and furnish a place and I can't hack it, what then?

I think I just needed to put this out there, because you lot are my only cheer squad. I should add that I'm two weeks into group therapy for Acquired Brain Injury, and it's often the highlight of my week because I'm with fellow sufferers. And out of the house!

Ideas and suggestions gratefully received.

[Three Roses]

I've used temp agencies in the past with good results. The pros: only one application & interview process (with the temp agency), someone else looks for jobs for you, you get to try a position/employer first to see if it's a good fit. The cons: possible rejection, having to meet new people, perhaps several changes in a short period.

Maybe others can think of other pros and cons.

There is also the possibility of being a permanent temp who just fills in on a temporary basis at each assignment.

I'm just waking up so I'll post later if I think of anything else

[Blueberry]

I've had a lot of problems with employment since my "collapse". Because I'm easily triggered by all sorts of things and people, because my brain doesn't seem to function properly, because workplace hierarchy often doesn't run the way it's meant to (which triggers me), because I blank out, because sometimes I'm so tired after about an hour, I need a 2-3 hour break, because I need to be able to decide for myself what jobs I'm taking on - this hasn't been and continues not to be too easy to fit into a place of employment.

Early days of getting back to work (after maybe 2-3 years nothing possible), I did about 2 hours / week volunteer work. No money but got me out of the house doing something else. Later I did a couple of days a week sort of volunteer but with payment-in-kind (food mostly). Then I did house-sitting for a year      which certainly covered the rent. Gradually I got back into my own profession and similar, but self-employed. I don't make enough money to live off it, but it's a lot better for me than doing no paid work, i.e. now the volunteer option wouldn't be good, tho it was back then. Maybe you can think of or come across 'alternative' methods of earning your keep. And then gradually move into something that you'd like to do more long-term or which is better paying.
Is there any way that you or your h could get disability payment of some sort? I do. It's not enough to live off either by any means, but every little bit helps. I know it probably sounds a bit dumb, but try and allow yourself some time to earn enough-ish. Pressure certainly doesn't help me into work I can keep going at. Too much pressure? I collapse - get a lot of physical symptoms including fever. Good luck!

[Candid]

Thank you, both. I had a major collapse yesterday afternoon, when I said to H that I didn't think our plan was going to work, in that neither of us is ready to work. He never has been; I was but I've lost so much confidence since the head injury. That means we're stuck in his parents' home for the foreseeable and probably a lot longer.

What worries me is that I believe he's okay with that, while I'm fighting the idea that I'm going to die here, alone on a mattress in the attic.

[Blueberry]

Oh, Candid. I'm sorry.     Easier said than done, but try again somehow when you're ready. Don't give up. Go slowly. Tiny little steps bring us forward, not trying to earn enough to move out tomorrow.

[Candid]

I've got so full of myself in the past few days that I've just emailed a former employer I liked, asking whether he has a place for me. This has come about because H is swinging the lead over applying for work, looking at properties for sale, or in any way doing anything to get us out of here.

I doubt my old boss will take me on but I had to do something about my daily frustration. And who else should I be full of, eh?

[A_Girl_You_Dont_Know]

  I am so fortunate because I found an incredible job with the most supportive people. It was only by chance though because I work part time at a library but I never pictured myself working at one as I used to hate to read (love it now). I hadn't worked for four years prior and I recieve all sorts of disability and government support. I couldn't work full time e even where I am currently. They do well when I'm having an EF even though until last week I didn't have a word for it. Today my branch manager told me he could tell I was really pushing it and that I was not expected to do so much and it was okay to slow down. He said I was not responsible for carrying the weight of the world even if it sometimes feels like it. I am seriously so lucky for these people.

I say this to encourage you. Try places you might not have tried. Take it slow. And who knows? You might get so much from it. My co-workers have been so healing even though they're not perfect. They are the only humans I let close to me. There are some really great people out there. You can do this and if you find yourself in a bad job, leave. There are others. I applied for several months before I finally found someone to take a chance on  me. When I meltdown and cry to my supervisor that I'm too crazy to work there, she assures me it was  requirement to get hired. You can do it! 

[Blueberry]

Yay, Candid! Good on you. 
One of old employers gave me freelance work for a while, so I say 'Leave no stone unturned' so long as it's not going to damage you.

[Candid]

I say this to encourage you.

It does! I've actually had dreams recently about working happily among good people.

I applied for several months before I finally found someone to take a chance on  me.

Were they advertised jobs, or did you do a lot of cold-calling?

When I meltdown and cry to my supervisor that I'm too crazy to work there, she assures me it was  requirement to get hired.

Oh, she sounds lovely. And you do too.

One of old employers gave me freelance work for a while, so I say 'Leave no stone unturned' so long as it's not going to damage you.

Well, like Beloved_Unlovable says, I can always leave -- despite my history of sticking with a bad scene for too long. I've been doing some somatic work and am getting quicker at realising what's right for me and what isn't.

On the down side, I've had a cheery email from that former boss and he doesn't have a place for me. Transport is an issue for me as I don't drive, so I'm limited as to where I can get to. Ah well...

[A_Girl_You_Dont_Know]

I got very discouraged during my job search. I applied to advertised jobs and looked into places (daycares) I thought I'd want to work and had experience and only had two interviews which didn't turn over anything, and this was over three months of non stop applying. I don't say this to discourage but just to keep you motivated in case the search is tedious. When a chance encounter with someone online whom I've actually never met in person who works at one of our other libraries (it's a big system of 20 branches) told me I should apply for this shelving job I did and it's been incredible. I've been traumatized at other jobs and sometimes freak out here, but they always reassure me I'm doing well and am too hard on myself. Being here has taught me there are good people out there who will help you because they have or do struggle too. I hope you can find something like this too and don't conform to societies view that you must work even if you're miserable. You can work and be in a safe environment too. It may just take some searching. Once again, you can do it and I'm here if you need anything. 

[Candid]

Thanks for the coaching, Beloved_Unlovable. I'll have to make a list of the places I think I'd like to work at, and start cold-calling. :ulp: The job ads I've been looking at all make me feel stupid and inferior. And I'm not, dammit!

a chance encounter with someone online whom I've actually never met in person who works at one of our other libraries

I've found jobs in odd ways before now, too. I think when you get serious about it, strange coincidences start to happen. 

I've been traumatized at other jobs and sometimes freak out here, but they always reassure me I'm doing well and am too hard on myself. Being here has taught me there are good people out there who will help you because they have or do struggle too. I hope you can find something like this too and don't conform to societies view that you must work even if you're miserable.

Thanks. It does sound wonderful, more like a sheltered workshop than a workplace. I could do with some of that. The years of slogging on regardless, running off to the ladies' room every so often for a good cry, are over.

I heard back from my former boss as well as a former colleague, and nothing doing on that front other than good wishes. Never mind. I'm glad I got that out of the way. Clearly I'm going to be doing something different this time around.

[A_Girl_You_Dont_Know]

And I'm not, dammit!
...
The years of slogging on regardless, running off to the ladies' room every so often for a good cry, are over.

No you're not. I also get down on myself though because I don't have a degree; I even dropped out of high school because of the crap at home. I wish I could get a degree. School is a huge trigger.

And I still go to the bathroom to cry sometimes, but more so because bathrooms are my safe place. Working ain't easy which is why I think all people deserve a supportive environment.

Good job making the call even though nothing turned out of it. Did you ask if you could maybe use her as a reference though on a resume? She might still be able to help you in that way. I think it's very brave you called. I psych myself out with stuff like that. These first steps are the hardest. You're doing it. 

[Candid]

Did you ask if you could maybe use her as a reference though on a resume? She might still be able to help you in that way.

Yes, I have done now.

I think it's very brave you called. I psych myself out with stuff like that.

Hey, I'm not that brave either! I sent a message via Linked In.  I've got lots of endorsements on there from former bosses and co-workers... and I've decided I have to make a career change.

I'm thinking special-needs teacher in a primary school. I mean, I really fancy that. So instead of looking at job ads, I'm listing the schools near me preparatory to sending my CV/resume and covering letter. 

[Candid]

Things aren't going so well. My former boss didn't reply to my message requesting a reference, so I take it that's a No.

I'm even more desperate to get out of the house than I am for an income, so I started looking at voluntary work. To my surprise I  found a position I thought would suit me, and that I'd be well-qualified for.

Then I went to apply. Yes, employers asking for volunteers and not paying so much as a bus fare do have standards. They want applicants to undergo a police check. No problem. They want references. No can do.

I've just spent hours writing and rewriting my cv. I've attached my academic record. I'm reasonably certain they won't take me on.

I called this post Twinkle, twinkle little star because the experience of applying, particularly the personal statement, really made me wonder who I am. I feel quite hopeless. Can't even get unpaid work.

[A_Girl_You_Dont_Know]

Sorry I've been avoiding people so I'm just now seeing this but don't give up.  As I said, my reentry into working was very hard. I couldn't even get a hotel maid position and I was rejected for every americorps position I applied for that required no skills. I'll just advise don't limit yourself. I never thought I'd work at a library because prior I hated reading (now I have an insatiable hunger for all and read non stop) but it's been the biggest blessing ever. Don't give up. Get out and take walks. Start something new. Be your own boss. Write a book or send into newspapers. You can do so many things.