Introducing Myself...don't know where to start

[lost.in.music]

Hi Everyone,

I am in my mid 20s and I have been suffering with pretty bad cptsd which has caused my depression, anxiety, and OCD. I have maladaptive daydreaming and I spend my days fantasizing and daydreaming while I listen to music. As my username suggests I am LITERALLY Lost in Music! 

But the shameful thing is that I love it, for it is the only thing that makes my life bearable...if my ipod were a alcohol or drugs, I would be sent to a rehabilitation facility.

Ever since I graduated from university five years ago (one of the top universities in the world), my life can only be described as a stagnant *. I have failed two post graduate degrees and have not left my parents house in months for it fills me with dread. Even something simple as taking showers and brushing my hair feel overwhelming. And speaking to neighbours feel like *.

What is even sadder is that I used to be so motivated and driven and passionate about life ( I used to be one of the top academic students in my school), but honestly the thought of even desiring and striving for anything substantive in my life feels overwhelming.

I don't know if I will ever feel normal or happy or functioning again.

I thought I could solve this on my own but I can't do this anymore!

Thank you for your help xxx

[jdcooper]

Hi lost.in.music.

I find music very cathartic to healing.  Much better than drugs and alcohol.  However, what you are describing seems like a very severe depressive episode.  I went through that last year and it is *.  I slept for most of the day and night.  It was agonizing to simply take a shower.  Switching to different antidepressants and being in therapy with a terrible therapist was not working.  After lots of struggle I found a better therapist and began exploring my childhood and began grieving and finally the depression began to lift.

I was an attorney and high functioning as well but had to close my law practice due to depression and anxiety.  So I know what you mean about how "you used to be." 

I can't say its easy but I am slowly making progress to getting back to that person who I used to be.  I also realize that the person I used to be was really a false self and one who had never fully faced and processed her deep internal pain before.

I hope you can find a therapist or use self help methods like this site to start your healing journey.  I think you are lucky you have a much more healthy coping mechanism than many do.

I

[LaurelLeaves]

I spend my days fantasizing and daydreaming while I listen to music.

I can really relate to being addicted to daydreaming.  And when I tell a therapist that, they're like "That's not so bad".  They don't get it... some days I can't do anything else but daydream.  It is a self-soothing thing that you're addicted to.

Hopefully you will find a therapist who understands.

[lost.in.music]

Hello,

Thank you so much for your responses! I really appreciate them.

I spend my days fantasizing and daydreaming while I listen to music.

I can really relate to being addicted to daydreaming.  And when I tell a therapist that, they're like "That's not so bad".  They don't get it... some days I can't do anything else but daydream.  It is a self-soothing thing that you're addicted to.

Hopefully you will find a therapist who understands.

I agree. It is the fact that I don't have the mental energy to be fully present and focus calmly and peacefully on one task without the music which is causing me concern, especially because I used to be able to feel present and complete tasks and schoolwork.

A couple of years ago I tried seeing a therapist, but I felt completely dissociated with her. Also, I must admit I feel scared taking antidepressants or any drugs.

However in the last couple of months I have really tried to take an honest look at my childhood. I am starting to realize that my family was very emotionally codependent, I was subject to covert incest from both my parents and brother and that my childhood was far from perfect.

Although my parents were loving and tried the best they could, they were emotionally neglectful and this is why I have such a difficult time truly accepting myself as a human being with flaws. I also find it incredibly difficult to get honest with myself and ask myself about what I truly want how to satisfy my own needs.

[/quote]

Hi lost.in.music.

I find music very cathartic to healing.  Much better than drugs and alcohol.  However, what you are describing seems like a very severe depressive episode.  I went through that last year and it is *.  I slept for most of the day and night.  It was agonizing to simply take a shower.  Switching to different antidepressants and being in therapy with a terrible therapist was not working.  After lots of struggle I found a better therapist and began exploring my childhood and began grieving and finally the depression began to lift.

I was an attorney and high functioning as well but had to close my law practice due to depression and anxiety.  So I know what you mean about how "you used to be." 

I can't say its easy but I am slowly making progress to getting back to that person who I used to be.  I also realize that the person I used to be was really a false self and one who had never fully faced and processed her deep internal pain before.

I hope you can find a therapist or use self help methods like this site to start your healing journey.  I think you are lucky you have a much more healthy coping mechanism than many do.

I

jdcooper, thank you for your response, do you mind if I ask what you are doing now? I am also a former law student.

Thank you everyone 

[lost.in.music]

Hi everyone,

I just realize how long my posts are and what a novice I am at forum using in general  - sorry I will try and make them shorter x

Also although therapy has not been a success so far, I recently I discovered the Mental Illness Happy Hour Podcast which has been an absolute gem which made me realize the covert incest theory below.

The link is here: http://mentalpod.com/

However in the last couple of months I have really tried to take an honest look at my childhood. I am starting to realize that my family was very emotionally codependent, I was subject to covert incest from both my parents and brother and that my childhood was far from perfect.

Although my parents were loving and tried the best they could, they were emotionally neglectful and this is why I have such a difficult time truly accepting myself as a human being with flaws. I also find it incredibly difficult to get honest with myself and ask myself about what I truly want how to satisfy my own needs.

[jdcooper]

jdcooper, thank you for your response, do you mind if I ask what you are doing now? I am also a former law student.

My law license is still active.  I am studying medical coding.  I hope to be able to use my legal training with my medical coding/health information studies to begin a career helping doctors offices or hospitals wade through the wade of regulations and laws that govern getting reimbursed for their medical work.