Coping Strategies?

[joyful]

I don't want to say very much, I will probably end up crossing the line.
But how do you guys cope with suicidal ideation or passive suicidal thought? self-harm impulses?
I'm not in danger or anything, but I struggle sometimes, and those are not fun thoughts to have bouncing around.

[Candid]

Let's break this down, joyful.

those are not fun thoughts to have bouncing around.

The "not-fun" thoughts are the ones leading up to the SI, not the SI itself. We're going round and round in our heads like rats in a trap until we reach the point of realising there's no way out or forward right now, then inevitably in comes the insane idea that there actually is a way out.

It happened to me again yesterday. H and I were at a pub (to get out of MIL's house) and I got hysterical talking about our options for the immediate future. We'd hit on an unworkable plan. I told him, not for the first time, "Now I feel like..."

Fortunately H knows better than to call the nuthouse and say he's bringing me in.

But how do you guys cope with suicidal ideation or passive suicidal thought? self-harm impulses?

This too shall pass.

It always does, and I got up today in a more positive frame of mind even though nothing had been resolved. But lesson learned: when I get those not-fun thoughts and there's no way forward, it's time to take a break, preferably cheer myself up some way and then go to bed. As I've said elsewhere, SI is my way of avoiding the Forbidden Act. If I'm allowed to say it, have a good cry and maybe thrash around a bit, I don't need to go as far as making plans, much less carry them out. No matter how bad things get I can tell myself there's always that Way Out I've never attempted.

The beautiful souls who post on this forum have all been through * already. It isn't fair that we have to keep going through it, but we're all survivors. That includes you, joyful. Nothing worse can happen to us than what gave us CPTSD, and we give each other loads of help and ideas for improving things bit by bit.

[joyful]

Thank you Candid 

SI is my way of avoiding the Forbidden Act

oh, yes--me too.
I feel like for me, SI is when I'm so dissociated and detached and I can't feel the pain even though I know it's there, but feel like I can't cry it out. I can feel it smothering me, but at the same time it feels inaccessible--hurting under the surface, I guess.

Nothing worse can happen to us than what gave us CPTSD, and we give each other loads of help and ideas for improving things bit by bit.

So true.

thank you again for your response and for sharing your insights and experience, Candid. It means a lot.

[sanmagic7]

i remember my hub and my daughter.  i could never do that to either of them.  the thoughts diminish and i ask for strength to make it through just one more day.

it wasn't always like this.  i've been at the point where i thought of no one else.  my pain was so centered on and in me, it left no room for anyone else.  i had a plan, was getting up to write the note.  just as i was getting off the couch, my baby kicked - i was 8 1/2 mo. pregnant, my husband had told me he didn't want to be married anymore the month before, i found out that he was currently living with a so-called friend of mine a few days before, and i'd just lost my dog.  that was the straw that nearly broke my camel's back. 

when the baby kicked, it brought me into reality - if i did that to myself, i'd be killing my baby as well, and my mothering part of me took over.  i knew i couldn't do that to my baby.  so, she saved both our lives that night.  i made a life-changing decision instead, and i'm still here today.  one day, then one more.  they've added up.

[Blueberry]

I agree, those thoughts are not fun.

With my most common form of self-harm impulse, mostly I've self-harmed before I'm aware of the impulse since there are no tools involved and it's very automatic. Something along the lines of nail-biting, but not that. At the moment in T I'm working on staying in my body better by stamping my feet vigorously and thumping my chest so that in life outside therapy in particular situations that tend to lead me into this very automatic form, I'm starting to stamp feet etc too. But since that form of SI is not life-threatening, that's probably not so interesting for you, Joyful.

Way, way back in childhood and teenage years before I'd ever started any kind of counselling, when things got really bad, complete exhaustion took over. That was one aspect that saved me - too exhausted to do anything but sleep. That's been the case in later years too.

Another thing I learned and practised in my first inpatient treatment (in a place where one main focus was on being abstinent from all forms of addiction including codependency, work-aholism, as well as from SI and of course suicide) was not doing these things on impulse but telling somebody and getting help. The one time a few years later when I seriously looked at a specific spot and thought "hmm, here's a place", this practice kicked in right away: "NO. You're on your way to the doc's anyway. Keep on your way as intended. You DO NOT do this."

In this somewhat alternative inpatient treatment place, if you did SI or smoked or whatever, you had to make it public and do yourself an act of non-addiction kindness to reinforce healthier reactions. Maybe that would work just if you have suicide ideation or impulse?? Probably depends very much on the person. (Obviously in an inpatient environment without the day-to-day struggles it's easier. On the other hand, in this inpatient place it was part of the therapy to mostly look for help from fellow patients not from the therapists and docs. Sounds weird I know but did actually work.)

The other thing that has helped all my life are / have been my pets. They need(ed) me.

Hope something here might help, if not, ignore.

[Kizzie]

It's interesting that you mention exhaustion BlueBerry, that's when I find SI has reared up the most in the past.  I was so deeply weary of struggling, did not want to die particularly, but was feeling too tired and lost to go on. I just wanted the pain and fear to stop and death seemed like the only way to make that happen. 

This was before I knew exactly what I suffer from and saw any path out of it.  As I have recovered those thoughts have decreased and are not as intense.   What has helped is therapy, medication, coming here, reducing triggers (e.g., went LC/NC with FOO) and stress (e.g., taking a leave of absence from work), and always keeping my family (including the fellow in my profile pic), uppermost in my mind.  They love me, I love them and I cannot bear to leave them in such a way.  I have also done a lot of Inner Child work and work on calming that awful Inner Critic  of mine who always had so much to say it seems, less so nowadays. 

When I do have SI thoughts, I check out what's going on and what might be triggering that.  Generally there is something that needs attention, and some self-care and compassion.

So FWIW Joyful, maybe think in terms of one step at a time.  At some point when you look back you'll see that you've actually come a ways and the SI is lessening. 

[shoshannah]

Okay. So I have had both suicidal thoughts and I have self harmed during panic attacks. (I was neglected by my father and my older sister has BPD)

To cope I punch things like my pillow. I listen to music and dance. I do yoga. Meditation helps.

If I am in public I go to a bathroom stall and breathe for a moment.

But as you I know....sometimes nothing helps. And the thoughts get overwhelming. At these times I lay down under my covers and "detatch." This is actually encouraged in meditation and it's kindof like just sitting with yourself, deep breathing, and existing in the world. I look out my window and just exist. It's kindof existential but it helps me so much. It's kindof like being at peace with my dark place and accepting it.

Remember, these thoughts are like a storm. They pass. When the sun starts to come out chase that feeling. Run towards it. Get back up and keep going.

No matter what always remember that feeling pass. Once I truly understood this I have been able to cope with my internal storms.

Xx

[Candid]

I was so deeply weary of struggling, did not want to die particularly, but was feeling too tired and lost to go on. I just wanted the pain and fear to stop and death seemed like the only way to make that happen. 

[Blueberry]

The only coping mechanism I had that used to work for any length of time was wearing socks on my hands. Gloves didn't work, it had to be socks. That somehow calmed my fingers and I didn't pull my hair out. Even the impulse and inner pictures of it happening used to go. The major drawback was: there were many important and quite normal tasks / movements during the day which were pretty difficult to carry out when the use of my fingers was obstructed. This salient point was addressed in one of the inpatient places I was in. They forbade wearing socks, they said: you can buy cotton gloves, which I did. But it didn't work, and somehow since the time the Ts in the inpatient place said: "no socks!", the effect of wearing socks on my hands has completely gone.

In the form of therapy there you signed a contract to abstain from all addictive/destructive behaviour and if you breached this, you had to "own up" and discuss what led to the breach. I managed "no socks" and no breach for 3 whole days, which was ginormous but in that time period, I had so much loose energy in my hands and arms I didn't no what to do with it. I felt like I was going crazy because I basically couldn't do anything constructive or creative with my hands. I think it's as if my hands are traumatised / trauma is stuck in my hands. I can do more constructive things with my hands now, but it took a long time to find a form of therapy that would help. Eventually I worked together with an occupational therapist who was willing to be guided by me in trauma-adapted T (you don't say 'trauma-adapted' in English, but I've forgotten what you do say).

Wearing socks on my hands made me think of babies, who sometimes wear mittens without any fingers, because they don't need their fingers. Somehow I felt a bit like a baby in my hands, and it was actually a good feeling. Not that I ever told the Ts about this baby feeling, but I think it shows that their 'interference' was not unfounded.

I know that my method of self-harm isn't fatal but it is very, very deeply ingrained.

[Kizzie]

Would panty hose knee socks help?  They're tan in colour and not quite so obvious as cotton socks, but thin enough you have some dexterity without being able to pick strands of hair. Maybe worth a try  until you work through the urge to self-harm.

[Blueberry]

Good suggestion Kizzy, thank you. I shall try it. I've actually long since given up hoping to work through the urge to self-harm. I just hope to reduce it, keep it a bit under control. Maybe that's sad. I can't feel so clearly right now.

[texannurse]

I was so deeply weary of struggling, did not want to die particularly, but was feeling too tired and lost to go on. I just wanted the pain and fear to stop and death seemed like the only way to make that happen. 

[/quote]

Scared myself with this thought yesterday. I'll be glad to talk to my T tomorrow  - if I get the courage to tell her...