Blueberry's Journal

[sanmagic7]

more later, but wanted to say that situation would not have been okay with me, not one little bit.  i've heard people say - but you're not using it, etc.  so what!!!  maybe i will want to in 5 min.  how do you know?  maybe i just don't want someone else touching my stuff.  it doesn't matter. 

i totally believe this was unacceptable behavior to use your things without your permission.    ugh!  no, no, and no.  big hug, blueberry.  gotta run. 

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,

I agree with sanmagic7 that this situation is just not right.  Your stuff is your stuff, and I think they took liberties to use them without asking your permission, and it's not right that they did what they did.
I would feel the same way about that, as belongings are personal and it's up to the owner to decide who they want to share them with.

I hope you're ok.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

San and Hope,
Thank you both for your validation of my feelings! Yes, Hope, I am OK. Maybe because I came here on wrote about it all fairly soon afterwards? Also I had a good day doing completely different things today. Helped mood-wise.

[sanmagic7]

glad you're ok.

just wanted to add that i've had too much experience with people 'borrowing' my things without asking and, while i'm normally generous if someone asks, i have stopped excusing anyone who doesn't ask.  there is no excuse, in my book.

besides, what i do or do not do with my personal belongings is nobody's business, whether it's lending them or not.  i don't have to have a good enough 'excuse/reason' anymore for doing what i want with my stuff.  ooooh, this just irks me!  you would have been well within your rights to just march over there and take your stuff back if you'd had a mind to.  not saying that you would, cuz i don't doubt you're extremely generous and tolerant, but i wouldn't have blamed you if you'd done so.  a pox on inconsiderate people!  (just my own ire about this subject).  love and a big hug, blueberry.

[Blueberry]

I haven't actually given up my pets yet. In fact it's nice weather and I'm going to take them out afterwards. Just the idea of not being responsible for them any more brings relief. For years, I kept going because of my pets. That's shifting now I think. Shifts in thinking are good, but a little frightening. I said to myself I'd keep my pets till end of August, and then see.

I decided about 24 hours ago: my pets are going back to the Humane Society they came from. They're being collected on Saturday. They will be in very competent and loving hands there, and kept until they are re-homed, ie. not euthanised due to lack of space or anything. The adoption criteria are really pretty strict too, so I know when re-homed it will be to good people.

I'm sad, even on the verge of tears. Part of that seems sadness that I just can't cope at the moment. I hear various FOO voices in my head telling me I'm "such a loser" since I can't even look after my pets properly. But FOO is totally wrong there and I'm therefore shutting FOO out. No, FOO messed me up so badly, that I don't have the energy atm to care for myself, my pets, work on my healing, clean the apartment about once a month (yeah, you read right: once a month) and do the amount of professional paid work I do which is not full-time by any means. I don't want to moan and groan completely in victim mode, but it's true! FOO had a big hand in this. So they can keep their comments to themselves, and they ought to have done so years ago as well. (Not that I'm telling them anything atm, far less about my pets).

[sanmagic7]

good for you, blueberry.  we all need to do what's best for us, and foo voices can just go take a flying leap.  i give you much credit for your decision, as difficult as it may be.  you know you're welcome to enjoy all the pets on the porch anytime you need one.  there are plenty to go around.  taking care of yourself is priority number one.  big hug.

[Candid]

Someone using my stuff without asking?     I'm at first shocked, then I realise I feel invaded.  Like I don't matter. It isn't something I would dream of doing, putting my stuff on the neighbour's outdoor table or washing line without so much as a how d'ye do.  Something carelessly chucked over whatever's growing in my garden bed?  Definitely not on, Blueberry.

I have an issue with believing people don't see me, like I don't count.  An incident like that would rankle big time with me, and I doubt I'd be able to square up to the neighbours as you did.

The garden is your territory.  Your dreams show it represents personal space. It's bad enough having to share the space with people you haven't got to know, but their use of whatever you've got out there is crossing the line.

I've had to give up pets, too.  I got myself into a place where I ended up not caring for myself for months; all that mattered was the pets (tortoises) and I worried constantly about them.  I know how much it hurts to give them up.  For adults wounded as children, pets are our babies.  Afterwards, for me, there was the relief of having done the right thing.  It came down to them or me, and if I went under I was going to lose them anyway.

All my former pets are on or around the porch.  Yours will fit in nicely.

[Blueberry]

good for you, blueberry.  we all need to do what's best for us, and foo voices can just go take a flying leap.  i give you much credit for your decision, as difficult as it may be.  you know you're welcome to enjoy all the pets on the porch anytime you need one.  there are plenty to go around.  taking care of yourself is priority number one.  big hug.

Thank you san for validation and credit-giving!  I haven't been on the porch for a while actually and had forgotten about the pets there. Mine are there too actually, as well as the dog from my childhood.

What I have been noticing the past couple of days is how many animals and birds there are around to observe and communicate with without one having to take care of them. There's a blackbird family in the garden, there are a bunch of different water birds on the lake near my therapist's place. They're all fairly tame, for wild animals, and come hopping up to you. I observe, I talk to them whether they understand or not. But no work involved.

[Blueberry]

Someone using my stuff without asking?     I'm at first shocked, then I realise I feel invaded.  Like I don't matter.

Wow, Candid! Thanks for giving me words for what's going on! Feeling invaded, now in the garden, and in my childhood thru FOO and especially B1. Feeling invaded and that I don't matter              for both of us, with this in our past.

The garden is your territory.  Your dreams show it represents personal space. It's bad enough having to share the space with people you haven't got to know, but their use of whatever you've got out there is crossing the line.

Thanks here too for explaining what's going on, i.e. garden in dreams = (my) representation of personal space. No wonder I had so many dreams like that, for so long, and no wonder it's been so hard for me when somebody just goes and does something in the garden (or 'yard' for the N.Americans on here) without asking how others feel about it first. It is a shared garden, it's not mine alone to decide. Also the use of it has evolved since I've been here. There used not to be 'my' bits and 'your' bits and 'their' bits of ground, though furniture roughly yes. But nobody in my building or next-door one knows of that old situation except me, so that's no excuse. Maybe I need to work with Inner Children a bit though or EFT about the whole garden not being mine. That might reduce the internal stress levels a bit. But my belongings are mine, and so are my beds and plants! You and san and Hope have been shoring up the idea for me.

I've had to give up pets, too.  I got myself into a place where I ended up not caring for myself for months; all that mattered was the pets (tortoises) and I worried constantly about them.

I've downsized before, from 5 guinea pigs in two different groups to 3 guineas in one group. That wasn't altogether easy either. The two 'downsized' guineas from then went to this humane society for guinea pigs that is taking the current two back on Saturday. I knew when I gave them up that I couldn't possibly continue to care for two groups. I remember I told each guinea pig: "This is Mrs. So-and-So and she is going to be able to look after you better than I can at the moment." Same goes for now. Hard as it is to give them up, I'd much rather give them up living to somebody who can care properly than have them die in my hands because I can't care adequately.

Oh, yeah, I've gone through lots of phases of not caring for myself much, but having a bit more energy for my pets. I'd get out of bed because my pets needed me to care for them. I had to procure food for them, so I'd procure some for myself too. I'd only eat because the guineas needed to eat too. I'm not sure if I'd still be around now if I hadn't had guineas for years. I often kept going day to day for them. A reason for being, when I was a child too.

  I know how much it hurts to give them up.  For adults wounded as children, pets are our babies. 

You hit the nail on the head again with these words.  for all of us adults wounded as children who have pets as close and dear to us as babies.
I think too sometimes that looking after my pets represented looking after my Inner Children. Some of my Inner Children particularly liked looking after the guineas too.

All my former pets are on or around the porch.  Yours will fit in nicely.

Actually the present guineas are there already, but they will remain on the porch, even when they're no longer living with me.

[Candid]

I'm glad you've got "fairly tame" animals and birds around, Blueberry.

I haven't had a pet since I gave up my tortoises in 2004, but at my last address I had a couple of Australian magpies who visited most days. I kept a bowl of water on my porch and I fed them small meaty biscuits, the ones sold for kittens.  If I was sleeping they'd call me (and I'd drag myself out), and if the back door was open they'd walk right in.  I have the photos to prove it.

Where I lived, a lot of people had FIFO jobs: fly-in fly-out, which meant they spent weekends in town then went back to the mines out west.  Well, I had FIFO pets.  And, oh look!  They're swooping into the healing porch!

[sanmagic7]

very cool, candid!

[Blueberry]

I'm trying to give my pets as much enjoyment as I can atm, as much time outside running about and eating. Me just sitting there watching them, and talking to them. They know it's me, so they listen, and they feel braver, because I'm there.  It's dark now, they're back inside. Pesky things like housework are on hold, because I have my pets just till Saturday morning. I'm still sad. I notice the sadness when I stop rushing around doing this and that.

[sanmagic7]

i think you have your priorities straight, blueberry.  enjoy them, love them, just be with them.  they're loving it, too.  sat. and time for housework will come soon enough.   big hug.

[Candid]

My darling  , there'll be some mourning on Saturday afternoon, for your babies and for Little Blueberry.  I hope you'll make time for it, and that you feel safe to do it on the healing porch where we can just gather round and make a space for your grief.  Also hope you've been able to take photos. 

Your sweet post has put me in touch with my own grief, about so many things.  I've been hammering it down for a long time -- "rushing around doing this and that" -- but I'm off to the attic now to process it.  Thank you for your courage.

[Blueberry]

san and Candid, thank you both for your reminder to go back into guineas' room (my computer is somewhere totally different) and be with and love my pets, while there's still time! And thanks Candid too for pointing out that I'll probably be doing some mourning on Saturday afternoon and that it's good to make time and space for that.
I'll be back on here on Saturday or Sunday probably.