Blueberry's Journal

[Blueberry]

Candid, I am beginning to forgive myself for actions of 'imperfection' like missing the train  . This is huge, as I mentioned, and probably trying to be perfect all the time is struggling to work the unworkable. So I'm moving out of that. If that makes sense.

[sanmagic7]

you go, girl!  that sounds like major progress to me.  big hug!

[Blueberry]

Now that I've read all the new posts and maybe answered the odd one, I have no excuse but to look at myself and write in my own Journal.

What I really have to watch atm is being too helpful. My new neighbours are refugees and I notice more and more I am allowing myself to be roped in to help. I don't mind sitting and talking or helping with spoken language or answering questions about daily life, but now being roped into helping write a job application when I have enough trouble myself. No, I need to put my foot down, even if politely, and insist they find somebody else. Helping somebody else write a job application is actually easier than trying to do one for myself. When it's about myself, my brain blocks because it's very difficult for me to write good things about myself, which you obviously need to do in an application. Not just good things, but prove why you are the absolute best for the job. Proving with words is triggering for me, has to do with life with FOO. For somebody else's application, I make suggestions but don't go all out for it, but still it's tiring for my brain.

It's at least one of the reasons why I didn't get up this morning. Because I'd promised to help a bit in the afternoon. At least today I set some small limits: I said I couldn't work on it with my neighbour smoking away and the smoke blowing straight in my face. I don't smoke, I never have, and the smoke really bothers me. It was their apartment, but I was doing them a favour and I couldn't stand the smoke any more.

They also wanted me to actually physically write it because my writing is better. Well, it is, but after writing Dear So-and-So I noticed my internal No!! and insisted they write. Same thing when we moved to the computer. They had to type, I corrected language. They also asked me to contact a woman I introduced them to to ask for help. I said that now that they know her and how to contact her, they have to do the contacting!

I know it sounds as if they are just using me, but I've been told by others who regularly help refugees that it's often this way at the beginning. A refugee family will latch onto one family or person. That person/family has to be clear on their own boundaries and also say quite plainly what's what in this new country! These neighbours have actually invited me for a meal a few times, which I've accepted, so it's not that they are just using me, but OTOH with all my own problems, I need to be careful of myself!

A few days ago I had a bit of a run-in with a member of a group I sometimes go to. This person was annoying me by being consistently negative and by pretty consistently interrupting other people and talking over other people. There is a social worker in the group who moderates, but I suppose she had her own reasons for not reigning this person in a bit more. She did try sometimes, but he seemed pretty blind to what he was doing and so didn't seem to comprehend what she was saying. Eventually I said something, then so did the woman next to me. The person blew a fuse and left, swearing. I did well because that didn't upset me. It would've, not so long ago.

But then I further considered why this person annoys me so much. Negativity = mother; Interrupting / Talking over people = whole of FOO; Aggressively interrupting / talking over people = B1 and M; Know-it-all behaviour, which leads to interrupting / talking over people, = B1 and M; Person in position of authority allowing one person to consistently break rules = M and F; somebody spewing negativity and problems everywhere instead of getting the psychological help s/he pretty obviously needs = M, B1 and to some degree rest of FOO.
No wonder I get edgy and triggered!

What can I do to help me not get triggered? When the usual social worker is there, I often look to her, which we're meant to actually, so that she can maybe judge the mood of the group. But I could maybe also take a few coloured pencils and doodle - having something I can do with my fingers (other than pulling my hair out) helps me. Or just have something to hold in my fingers, which is what I always do when I watch movies to help me deal with suspense. When that no longer helps, I need to explain to my Inners that time has moved on, this isn't FOO, this is just some other people having problems, that the negative interrupter is in a bad way himself, that's why he does this. Also that it's not my Inners' job to save the rest of the group from any feelings of annoyance, as I unfortunately consistently attempted to save our whole family from its dysfunction as I was growing up. Don't have to keep repeating that behaviour.

Well, I think now I will go and play keyboard to practise some choir pieces and then phone a friend.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, it sounds like you were a help to that group.  sometimes the leaders don't always do their jobs.  the fact that someone else joined you seems like you were right on.  i would think that the leader would have taken that opportunity to explore some of the group dynamic that was going on.

i also give you a lot of credit for realizing how and why those behaviors triggered you.  may i suggest that just because they are personal triggers doesn't automatically mean that it's ok to ignore them in a group situation.   i think you did a brave thing for the good of the group. 

you have been making such incredible progress, blueberry.  it's showing all over the place.  big hug, sweetie.

[Three Roses]

you have been making such incredible progress, blueberry.  it's showing all over the place.  big hug, sweetie.

I second that! 

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much, ThreeRoses and san, for pointing out how much progress I'm making. I know I'm making progress, but you're calling it "incredible progress" so that means it's big. It helps me to know that other people see it too. I was at my GP's on Thursday and he saw it and commented.

In the group situation there was a little discussion after I and my neighbour said our pieces. It was actually in the middle of that that the person went off swearing. But we didn't go into the group dynamic. I know that at least one person in the group thinks I'm too impatient but I know that he is pretty codependent, so I'm not toooo interested in his opinion in this case. It's not a therapy group, it's a group for people who are long-term unemployed or underemployed. Some people are in therapy, some aren't.

But you're right san, just because something is triggering me because of my personal history doesn't mean I have to put up with it. Thanks for reminding me.

[Blueberry]

Today I told my refugee neighbours that they need to find somebody else for help with the application. It was not easy for me, but I did it. Then I 'wasted' some time for a while playing Patience but then I played keyboard and sang, which I did yesterday too, and that helped. Since playing and singing I've started doing other useful things for myself. Like sending a few emails that desperately needed to be dealt with.

[Three Roses]

 

Bravo, Blueberry! Good taking care of you.

[Blueberry]

Yesterday evening (my time) I wanted to post here again and I couldn't. OOTS and OOTF were both down. That was hard. So I could see I'm addicted. 

I'm taking things easy atm. Lie in bed, dozing and reading The Body Keeps the Score. I've had the book about 6 weeks now, on inter-library loan, and haven't been really able to get into it until today. I have a translation of it rather than the English version. I thought that maybe that's why I couldn't get into it, but now I think that the timing wasn't quite right for me in the past few weeks. Now that I'm getting into it, I may order it in English so I can write in it and mark important passages.

Taking things easy also allows me time to figure out what my impulses are atm. What do I want to do? Today I picked the remaining elderberries and cut back one elderbush which is cutting light from one of my rooms in a major way. Haven't done anything with the elderberries though. They had better go in the fridge!

Yesterday I was out picking various weeds to go in my dinner and I made a huge pot of vegetable (and weed) soup for today and tomorrow. I noticed now that I don't have my Little Furry Critters to look after, I'm in the garden less often. So I'm thinking of what else I could do in the garden this fall, what do I have to plant that needs to be planted anyway? How can I use that space to help support myself more? Or just to encourage myself to go outside?
Yesterday and the day before I was missing having my Little Furry Critters, with a pang in my heart.

My professional work is taking a bit of a break for various reasons. In some ways that's just lucky, good timing for me that various people are taking a break from my services. Because I really don't feel like doing much atm. It's not good for me to force myself when I really don't want to. It may be good for other people, but not for me. I even started shaking a little thinking about a contract I might start in October. I tend to start shaking when there isn't enough of an Adult around to take on the work. Though there could be reasons for shaking which I don't know of too.

I'm considering doing a long weekend of group therapy at a place I used to go to quite often, like where I used to do Inner Child work, which I've described elsewhere. It costs money, big money. So partly I think to myself I should keep this money handy for when I don't have any one-on-one trauma therapy left and partly I think to myself doing this weekend at end of October might help me stabilise atm and even keep on going for the next months (always a bit of an issue for me), as well as help me to make the most of my one-on-one therapy. Because this long weekend group therapy tends to help a lot of what is going on internally 'settle' so I can move on. Also one reason I had for giving up my Little Furries was to give me more money for this type of thing and to make it easier for me to go away on a weekend. It would be good for me to grant myself one such weekend fairly soon.  Especially as I recently found out how much family money is coming my way sometime.

[sanmagic7]

i'm pretty dependent on this place as well, and wasn't real pleased when it went down.  addicted?  don't know about that.  it's so comforting to me when i need that, makes me feel better about me, gives me a sense of purpose that i lost when i couldn't work anymore, and helps stabilize me when i'm feeling rocky.  i don't know if it's forever, but for now it's quite important to me on a lot of levels.

glad you stood your boundaries, sweetie.  that's terrific. 

your flc's were pretty active in your life.  i'm not surprised you're missing them.   that may take some time.

i'm sure you'll make the right decision for you about that weekend.  it sounds like it's helped you a lot in the past. 

keep taking care of you, blueberry.  you're so worth it.  love and a big hug.

[Blueberry]

Hi san,

I wasn't being too serious about the 'addicted' bit.

My T helped me see that the weekend would do me good and that storing the necessary money up for a time in the future where I might need such a weekend even more doesn't make too much sense. I feel the need now, I should go now! Hard as it is for me to believe, I might get to a point where I don't need these weekends anymore, I say to myself.

T also told me that the patient rumours about having to wait two years for further therapy once you've had a round of sessions are not true. So if need be, I could look for a new therapist in a year and continue! This is a big relief.

Continuing Journal ...
Back in contact with my refugee neighbours, that came pretty fast. I managed to get them linked up with somebody else to help them with one thing really quickly and an additional person to potentially help them with a less important thing.

I'm hardly working in my profession at all atm and the little I'm doing I feel I'm not doing very well. All the more reason to do one of these weekends 

Well, I've been in periods of stagnation before. They always end sometime! Mostly without me actively working on them ending too.

Earlier in the week I was working on a farm I used to work on. On hearing that they'll be really short of people in the next 10 days and then all of November, I'm considering continuing one day a week most weeks till end November. Unfortunately my day of choice has just gone belly-up for that work.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
Just popped into your Journal  I've not been in the forum much for a couple of weeks - or maybe it was just a week - I lost track of time. 
Hope you can get the day you want for that work on the farm - and it works out ok.  I think you said the day you wanted hadn't worked out - but hopefully you can find something that fits in with your schedules.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks, Hope! Good to see you back. I've missed you, though I do appreciate that some of you all here take a break for a while and go off and deal with things IRL!

I would've liked Monday for the farm, partly because I work well with some of the Monday people, but I'm giving priority to a paying client for whom it would be best to come Monday morning. I meant then to phone farm and ask about Friday, starting  tomorrow, but then didn't get out of bed for past couple of days. Now I've decided I'll just see. If I get out of bed early enough tomorrow, I'll turn up at the farm, and if I don't, I won't. It's not a real job anyway. Just something that does me good and pays in kind.

[Blueberry]

It's good to check into my own Journal because I see what I've posted recently and that helps me get things especially time a bit into perspective.

Right now I'm meant to be singing in the choir at a fellow member's wedding blessing. Well, I'm obviously not there. The thought of showering and finding something suitable to wear in the appropriate colours was just too much for me. So I sat in the kitchen singing to a helpful CD before coming on to PC. Getting dressed in something appropriate other than my hanging-around-the-house-clothes is often very tiring for me. I know something is triggered but I don't especially want to find out and wake up any more sleeping dogs atm.

I also have an invitation tonight, getting dressed for that will be less effort, because I don't need clothes in colours I don't have.  Though actually I got as far as borrowing clothes for choir. But then I didn't use them.  Well, because I needed to shower first.

Also I have a well-meaning friend in choir.... Well-meant advice is not always appropriate or good advice. Avoiding such advice can lead to me avoiding whole situation. Although I've told this friend before. Well, my T has at least mentioned that a further step for me will be learning not to care what people might or might not think. But atm it's hard for me to stick to my own views when other ideas are coming from all sides.

I guess it's hard for me not to not care because I spent all my time with FOO, even when I was an adult and had left FOO, hearing what somebody had said about me from someone else - this triangulation. Some of my friends who understand far more what's going on say to me: "Just look what you've been dealing with all year, no wonder you need a break / no wonder you're slipping around atm." I ought to give them and their words more weight.

Since Thursday I've been in a bad mood, I recognise that now. I recognised it yesterday too. Then I tend to hide away and not dump this on other people. Because when I'm in a bad mood, I tend to start spewing it out all over other people. Just like my M used to do to me.

[Blueberry]

"I do sometimes stress about what my parents used to say and still might, but I am learning not to care so much." I posted this in a comment to somebody else on Sept. 14th. I have realised now for a few days that unfortunately I'm still stressing. I do need to answer an email some time soon, but keep putting it off. I mean, it would be to my benefit to answer. And even though I checked the relevant Tools at OOTF like Medium Chill and all that, still haven'T done so.

And as I write this, an email comes in with a new realisation (from a FOO member) that communication from me is unlikely to happen followed by the usual "I don't understand..." which I've been hearing / reading for years now. Well, I have T tomorrow and I will take the topic there. Good that I stayed online this long, so I know to take this topic with me to T.