Blueberry's Journal

[Blueberry]

blueberry, you're working so hard mentally and emotionally, no wonder you're exhausted.  this stuff drains us as badly, or more so, than even physical work. 

Thank your for  saying the first and reminding me of the latter. It's hard to believe this all the time.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, it is.  i have to remind myself of it, too, and even writing it to someone else helps as a reminder for me.  big hug.

[Blueberry]

Is there any way you can give yourself a couple of days with intended rest? Where you allow yourself to not make any desicions, and just focus on doing what feels good in the moment?

I sort of did this today. I allowed myself to lie in long, reading and dozing, until I really felt a physical impulse to get up and stay up and felt an impulse to get up to do something particular, which was: clear the things out of my part of the basement into the part that is really mine and which was usurped by a previous tenant in the building. She moved out in the summer and I've been trying to get up the energy since then. And now it's done!

I threw out quite a number of things today, including from my basement bit. That always feels good, so long as I'm really able to let go of the thing.

And then I oven-roasted various vegetables. This is something I've been wanting to try on and off for a long time, but something psychological was stopping me. I finally did it and could feel my heart pattering while I was chopping the veg and I can still feel fear in the pit of my stomach, though the roasting is long finished and was mostly successful. And certainly nothing bad happened. The oven didn't go on fire, the house didn't burn down... I'm not sure what the fear is I'm feeling, though undoubtedly it has to do with my childhood and trauma. I should put it up on the Processing Screen at some point but I don't want to go in there tonight.

[Sceal]

Great job!
Cleaning out requires so much energy, yet it feels so nice once it's actually done!
You've really challenged yourself today, both with cleaning, throwing out stuff and the cooking, as well as allowing yourself to rest. I hope you feel good about it yourself

[Blueberry]

Is there any way you can give yourself a couple of days with intended rest? Where you allow yourself to not make any desicions, and just focus on doing what feels good in the moment?

I sort of did this today.

Unfortunately I didn't allow myself this today. Instead I thought I should go and join a group of friends/aquaintances who meet up every two weeks, but I went to bed really late last night (well, this morning actually), turned off my alarm and went to sleep again. Woke up at a time when I still could have got there, though late, but realised that deep down I really didn't want to. It wasn't so much of an issue of not wanting to ride my bike over in the cold etc. as I know some people in the group will say, but more should isn't a fact. I'm spending time and energy processing and developing emotionally, even if I think it's not enough, and I'm thinking a lot on my employment status and how I could find what sort of work so that I can earn more and be less financially dependent on FOO. And I'm trying to figure out what to write to various members of FOO, or not write.

And this week I've biked to the farm and back twice and will do tomorrow too. It's quite a long way in the early morning darkness, but I can do it because I want to atm. It's good for me in various ways I've mentioned, and this week it's been a good test of "how do I manage when I work away from home 3 days a week?". Something that until recently would have been impossible. My clients come to me, I don't have to go somewhere else as I would if I were employed.

So note to self, "should" is not good. It's not useful.

[Sceal]

You did recognize two things though. You did recognize that you thought you "should" go rather than actually wanting to go. You seperated the two of them, which when you're not on top of your game can sometimes be hard to differentiate.

Second, you recognized that "should" isn't useful in this setting.

I think that you did an important job in those two distintions alone.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Sceal, you're right! It was really useful to take the time to note that "should" isn't useful in this setting, and also to note: Oops, I did that "Should" thing again, no wonder I didn't get up and stay up!

It's also good for me to note that really taking the time to feel what I want and need on a particular day or at a particular time is so important at this stage in my healing, so that I pick up on these nuances and don't force myself to do things because that would be "normal" or other people think I should. Do they know?? No, they don't.

[sanmagic7]

no they don't, indeed, blueberry.  it sounds like you are really moving forward, and all credit to you for all the hard work you've done to get you this far.  warm hug filled with love.

[Blueberry]

Thank you san, I guess you're right, I am moving forward. There is another Unsent Letter to prove it where I'm finally expressing anger as words towards FOO, but especially to F. Not just screaming the way the Inners do if I allow them. My T says that's not so good for me because it reminds me of the helplessness I felt as a dependent child, and a financially-dependent adult which I was as a student and am to some degree atm. 

I'm just back from church. I'm so distracted by the thoughts and emotions flying around in me that I couldn't concentrate all the time. The priest told a long story about a little girl who sounded like Lost Child tbh with a GC brother. Apparently a true story too. It could've been me, to a degree, tho it wasn't. But anyway that moved me and part way through the service I had another aha moment about "how on earth FOO can possibly feel 'badly done by' with me not wanting contact when they were so unmoved by my indescribable emotional pain last time I was there??" How on earth can they be so blind (and deaf)? OK, neither M nor B1 are big on compassion but both B2 and F do have some emotions. But with F, it'll be like in my childhood: pat Blueberry on the head when nobody's looking or otherwise inconvenienced and expect that that is somehow enough for Blueberry. NO. It's not enough.

I'm really angry, but under that  which I felt while sitting in church too. Tbh atm I don't want to phone any of my friends and hear them reeling off what they did this week or the past few days, or even the ups and downs of that, since some of my friends have emotional problems too. Though not necessarily C-PTSD or not diagnosed anyway.

So for the anger: 

[Three Roses]

You have every right to be angry! 

[Blueberry]

Thank you for validating this 3Roses. Means alot. 

[sanmagic7]

i echo what 3roses said.

as far as deaf and blind, that's their normality, i think.  look away, turn a deaf ear - like those 3 monkeys - and never acknowledge the reality, never offer comfort, care, kindness, or nurturing.  it absolutely sucks.  even more so, cuz, like you said, they make it out like they're the victims when you do for yourself what they should've been doing for you.

blecccch!

keep getting that poison out, sweetie.    it only hurts you to keep it in - i know that one from experience.  you really are moving in a healtlhy direction, blueberry.  good for you.  sending a hug filled with compassion, kindness, and love.

[Blueberry]

Today I'm feeling drained, emotionally. Not drained of all the tears, though, ha ha. There are more to come. But I remind myself it's important to re-ground. Take a peak at your trauma then re-stabilise, re-stabilise, re-stabilise. Take another peak and re-stabilise, re-stabilise, re-stabilise.

Since I'll be doing more professional, freelance work tomorrow and the day after (as opposed to farm work), it would be good to get re-grounded in a healthy way. Up till now today I allowed myself to lie in bed dozing and reading, but now I'm up. I came online to check when exactly a Dance-Your-Emotions-Out event is taking place this evening. I think it would be good for me to make the effort and go. The past few times it was offered I always found some reason not to go, or just didn't go.

I'll also be at T again on Tuesday, so it's good to be regrounded for that too, so that I can make the most of the session, dealing with something I can't do on my own.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
I hope that you get to your Dance-Your-Emotions-Out event safely.  Your mention of 're-grounding' - and 're-stablising' - very wise.
to you.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I decided not to go, but to stay home and listen and move to music while dealing with the remains of my Jerusalem artichokes. I've finally boiled all of them up before they go bad or soggy and then skinned some to eat just as is. I know that doesn't sound like much of a meal but it's a lot better than a packet of cookies, which is what I sometimes resort to. Couldn't this evening since I don't have any and shops all shut (fortunately). If I let all my Jer. artichokes go bad because I was too depressed to deal with them I wouldn't feel good either. So I made a conscious decision to not go to the event. That is different from just not getting round to go.

So listening to 80's music and dancing around the kitchen and even more vitriol coming up. Too early to put into more Unsent Letters but they'll be coming in the next days or weeks too. I do feel better grounded though.