Blueberry's Journal

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much everybody for the votes of confidence  I'm really moved by what you say.

The I-must-be-perfect ICr. was having a field day yesterday  but it was really important for me to write it, because ICr. is part of me. Not a separate entity. Arrgh this effect from FOO's semi-constant criticism sits so deep.

[Blueberry]

Finished my moderating for the evening. Oops it's actually the next day already. Well I'm a bit of a night-owl. I started out feeling a bit EF-y or maybe dissociated would be a better description but I stayed with the job and it got better.

That happened on Friday too now I think about it. I felt so weak and so spaced out on the way to the farm and cycling into the wind, I thought by the time I got there I would just sit down, drink some tea and then head home again and leave somebody else to do my work. It's sort of volunteer too  but when I got there and had something to eat, I felt better, and got on with my job no problem, even though some muscular power is required and I had been feeling weak.

Anyway today with moderating by the end i didn't feel dissociated anymore. I have the feeling that not so many, varied words are present in my mind, but that tends to happen to me. For me atm especially considering my problems in the working world and especially in my fields of work, it's just good to observe what happens to my thoughts about myself, to my feelings and to my physical body when moderating.

[Hope66]

Sounds like you had a very busy day yesterday, Blueberry - and well done for completing you first day of wearing your new Moderator hat - you are bound to be extra tired as a result of taking on a new role - but remember that you're the same person, just taking on new things - and you're much appreciated as the person that you are, if that makes sense    
Glad you felt better when you got to the farm - that muscular power clearly came from within, and glad that you got through the dissociation and coped so well.
I hope I've not been too wordy in replying to you - I know this is your journal, but today I feel like I have more to say.  Wanted to say, I value your presence in the forum, and I am glad you are a Moderator here now. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

No, not too wordy at all Hope. I appreciate it! 

I hadn't thought of that correlation: taking on new role makes me tired in general. But you are undoubtedly right.

Cognitively I really appreciate all these words of comfort and votes of confidence I've been getting from you and others since starting as Mod, but unfortunately emotionally the words aren't getting through yet. Yet. I have hope they will sometime. 

this perfection streak I developed is terrible, gave rise to a concrete wall somewhere in me protecting hurt...... Mind goes blank and feelings numb out. Gonna step away from PC and move to music to re-ground.

[sanmagic7]

 

[DecimalRocket]

 

[Blueberry]

Today has not been a very good day. I've felt nauseous and even had to sit down from time to time while working at the farm. I help in milk-processing and the smell of warm milk really did it for me. I managed as long as I could then took a break so as not to toss my cookies into the milk.

Years of therapy and my emotions speaking through my body tell me: What - other than food - can your body not digest atm? What else can't you stomach? What else does your body want to get rid of? I noticed that asking myself those questions while working was not helpful. Made me feel even less able to hold it in.

I would say something is "too much" atm, but I don't know what that something is. It's not always the thing that you'd think, like: starting as Mod, have increased SH, that must be the problem. No, not always so easy to detect.

I couldn't sleep last night at all, but I yawned a lot. A few hours ago when I was massaging my fingers and yawning tons I made the connection. There must have been something in my unconscious in the night too, keeping me from sleeping.

One of my clients didn't come today and I was glad about that. The other came and I managed quite well. I managed to stay out of brain fog. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Sorry to hear about your nausea, Blueberry. I hope your day tomorrow will be better. ^^

[Blueberry]

Thanks AphoticAtramentous 


Today I feel all spaced out and brain-numbed. Even thought about writing under A Difficult Day, but decided on Journal instead. Spent most of the day so far in bed dozing and reading. It's OK. I was allowing myself this. There were a bunch of things I wanted to write but they've all gone AWOL. They will come back, I know.

Ah yes, a friend has a court date tomorrow. I phoned her to wish her good luck with it but also to say I'm feeling so bad myself that I can't otherwise be there for her emotionally today. She appreciated the fact that I even phoned and she appreciated the honesty and that I'm looking after myself. I'm not totally surprised because both of us do manage to set each other firm but gentle limits, but it still feels good. 

She's better at setting limits than I am. We talked about that recently too. It's difficult for her to set limits in her FOO and be accepted and taken seriously, especially by sibs, but it is possible. In my case, it's completely impossible. Not because I can't set limits, but because they don't want to hear, don't want to know, don't want to change. Don't even see any reason why they should change. So I have a long legacy of being terrified of setting limits and not knowing how anyway and then coming out with over-the-top, way-too-angry limit setting because I didn't know any other way. The latter doesn't exactly endear you to people. They go  What on earth is wrong with Blueberry? Why is she getting mad over something so little?

This friend and I, we shared a room in inpatient therapy for about 8 weeks - not always an easy situation sharing space with someone as emotionally unstable and injured as yourself but possibly either in completely different ways or in much the same, which can be pretty explosive. In fact I was frightened of her at the beginning. But anyway, she was able to set gentle limits in a way that didn't leave me feeling rejected and in time I learned to ask her not to do x or y, knowing that she (probably) wouldn't reject me and hate me forever more while making the remainder of my time there torturous. She didn't do any of that! She isn't my FOO. But it's not just that. I've shared space plenty of times with others in inpatient therapy or even just 4-5 day retreats and limit-setting versus accusations and blaming is really difficult terrain, and not just for me.

[sanmagic7]

slowly but surely, blueberry, the ability to set those limits will come.  i used to be scared to death of setting limits with my daughter (altho i was the only one in our family who would put boundaries out, and she raked me over the coals for it), and the last time i did was when i knew i had to go nc.  things wouldn't change, and her venom was worse than ever.

it took me about 30 yrs. to do that.   i know this stuff doesn't necessarily come quickly or easily.  small steps, sweetie.  they all count, and will eventually get you to where you want to go.

by the by, you're doing a great job as a mod.  warm, loving hug to you.

[Blueberry]

  thanks san, I appreciate your kind words.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
Wishing you continued strength - I can imagine it is tough taking on this new role as a Moderator - but you are doing so well at it.   
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Setting boundaries can be difficult when they've been crossed over all these years.

I had a tough time with limits. I had more of a freeze response and just withdrew when someone was harming me. I couldn't stand up for myself, and I didn't even know it was because I was hurt at times that I withdrew.

Anger is our independence, our call for our rights and our confidence. And I wish the best of luck for you to earn that. It takes time but you'll progress. You've come so far, after all.

[Blueberry]

Anger is our independence, our call for our rights and our confidence.

Apt way of putting it.

I have a long history of freeze response with limits too, sort of switch back and forth between freeze and what I've been told are over-the-top responses as well as also managing bit by bit to find a happy medium.

Thanks for your validation.

[Blueberry]

Advent has started. I live in a country where Advent plays a big role both culturally and religiously. I enjoy Advent, much more than Christmas if truth be told. I was at church this evening and we sang our first carol. It's more a carol for Advent than Christmas, so it's appropriate.

OTOH other topics are knocking at the door. Do I send FOO an email saying: "Enjoy the xmas season. Pls don't call" ? I'm certainly not writing Xmas cards to them. Card-writing is really strenuous for me. Writing in general triggers SH.

I've noticed for years now that if I write something I don't want to just because "you're meant to" that saps my energy terribly. Like I had a colleague a long time ago who tormented me at work in various ways. After she'd left, other colleagues heard that she'd got married and asked me to sign a card. I'd been in a very long phase of therapy by then and could feel what was good for me or not in certain ways. I refused to sign, because I knew my energy would disappear. So same thing with FOO. I need my energy for me and not to spend it on them. So no, I'd probably better not send an email to FOO.

But there are a few friends I'd like to send cards to. And there are a few children who get a present from me. Even though I like to choose or make presents, I then need a couple of days break before I can wrap them, then more break before I can take them to the post office. It's rather strange, but that's the way it is. I'm not quite sure what's behind it. Some extreme form of self-consciousness holding me back from giving the gift? In case it's not good enough or 'right' enough or something? Idk because it's not just that way with presents to little FOO members but to friends too. These are question marks for myself, because I simply do not know at this point. But it may come clear quite soon, now that I've written about it.

I realised today that I'm less EF-y than I have been for a while, in fact I started getting less EF-y yesterday. How can I tell? Yesterday I didn't feel like throwing the towel in anymore work-wise. In fact I even phoned a potential client! Today's been even better. Even though various small things have happened today that could each throw me for a loop on EF-y days.