Blueberry's Journal

sanmagic7 · December 03, 2017, 02:38:02 AM

hey, blueberry,

just wanted to let you know you're not alone with taking breaks between the various 'parts' of chores/errands. i also encounter energy depletion after each part, and need to rest between to build the energy up again. that's been happening for a long time for me. don't know why, either. big hug.

Blueberry · December 04, 2017, 06:01:37 AM

Thank you, san. It is good to know I'm not alone with this.

I've just thought right now that it could be connected to stress-avoidance. I can't hurry and rush anymore. I read that rushing tells our brain that it's an emergency situation. It makes sense to me that someone with CPTSD would want to avoid emergencies (unless you belong to the contingent who gets 'high' on it). When I think of doing all the steps towards getting those presents to the post office, in my mind's eye I see myself rushing around. So maybe it will work if I imagine myself doing it slowly, methodically step-by-step.

Blueberry · December 04, 2017, 07:07:21 AM

Yesterday my day was partially productive, and partially something came up that was pretty triggering. I went to bed really early to escape and because i couldn't face doing my Screen Processing. I did fall asleep right away which I don't usually. So today instead? Hm. I don't feel any more excited about it this morning. BUT I remind myself that I fortunately do have a method or two I can try and what was triggered won't get better by being ignored. It'll come back up again like a raging beast sometime, possibly in a situation where I can't take recourse to either of my processing methods. Better to start to deal now. I have therapy tomorrow morning after all, where i can get help with any remnants I don't manage to deal with on my own today.

DecimalRocket · December 04, 2017, 10:06:29 AM

Ah, it's great you're able to figure this out like that. Taking it slow first in your mind is needed to take it slow in real life after all. People are actors after all — they can only really do things when they first pretend to do so.

Nice that you're able to manage triggers like that and it's nice to see you were able to sleep earlier. We people with Cptsd could often really use the rest.

sanmagic7 · December 04, 2017, 04:41:47 PM

interesting about the 'rushing' theory. never thought of it. i think my thing with expectations would fall in there - it's a pressure to perform kind of thing. there are certain chores here in the house that we take turns doing, like cleaning the bathroom that 3 of us use. it takes me 2 days - 2 areas a few hours apart the first day, the third area on the next day. have never been able to do it all at once.

hope your session goes well. big hug, sweetie.

Blueberry · December 04, 2017, 08:23:49 PM

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 04, 2017, 04:41:47 PM
there are certain chores here in the house that we take turns doing, like cleaning the bathroom that 3 of us use. it takes me 2 days - 2 areas a few hours apart the first day, the third area on the next day. have never been able to do it all at once.

This is how cleaning is for me, except way worse. I need way more time. But I have only myself to please, so.... Still helps me to know I'm not the only one. It's presumably one of these CPTSD things. When I know that, it's easier to forgive myself.

sanmagic7 · December 04, 2017, 09:59:14 PM

good, altho, personally, i don't see that there's anything to forgive. i totally believe it's a c-ptsd thing. we've used up so much energy battling, so much fight and flight hormone stuff, i think we've exhausted those, and they need frequent recharging. that just came to me. that's what i'm going with. love and hugs, blueberry.

Blueberry · December 05, 2017, 01:19:43 PM

Forgiving myself means accepting myself the way I am instead of haranguing and criticising myself the way FOO did. And the way I, i.e. Inner Critic, still tend.

sanmagic7 · December 05, 2017, 03:03:14 PM

gotcha. i was thinking of the word 'forgive' a little differently. accepting ourselves as we are is also a very good thing. you're doing great, blueberry. kudos to you. big hug.

DecimalRocket · December 06, 2017, 01:09:56 PM

Blueberry · December 06, 2017, 07:15:27 PM

There are two parts of me. Maybe it's just the conscious and the sub-conscious, I'll know better after I've written all this out. There's the part of me that keeps going in daily life and then there's the part that's processing therapy or whatever else has been going on of that type.

Yesterday after therapy, I went to a café as I often do, sat in a big comfy chair with a large mug of tea and wrote in my real paper diary as much as I could remember from therapy. I had also written some points during therapy. I do that because I tend to blot it all out again.

I had the feeling that a lot of aspects of healing are slotting into place again.

But somehow made the mistake of thinking that yesterday's session wasn't particularly difficult. It was though. Just the number of realisations and possibly also the amount of "slotting into place" that was going on.

I don't go to 12 Step groups anymore, but a saying I did hear there comes to mind: "When you're in a bad way, go to your meeting. When you're doing well, run to your meeting". Can be hard for me to handle making progress, doing well. So as I don't go to 12 Step anymore, that means that I have to take special care of me in other ways after making progress.

Today I didn't take care of myself well. Didn't bother to get out of bed till the evening. Missed my dentist appointment at a new dentist's. Missed opportunities I had just to be among people on my own terms and have a bit of fun. But maybe I was taking care of the other part of me well, by staying in bed.

Sceal · December 06, 2017, 07:39:37 PM

My T said to me a few months ago, which I forgot until yesterday. Something along the lines that if I start to feel unfocused. I need to rest. I need to cancel the rest of the day. And maybe step by step I will be able to remain focused for longer, if I allow myself the breaks in-between and not keep on pushing.
This is also after good sessions with my T, where things felt good and needed and not too hard. Only to later realise it hit me harder than I thought.

Maybe it's something similar for you? Since you're no longer doing the 12 step programme, maybe you need to take more often breaks after you've been pushed a bit, or done something challenging (regardless of how challenging it was for you).
Not sure if this made sense, I hope so.

Blueberry · December 06, 2017, 07:57:29 PM

Thank you Sceal, it does make sense! My T encourages me to allow 'down time' too. If I don't take it, then I remain in bed for the day and take it that way instead.

I haven't been in 12 Step groups for a long time. I remember some of the sayings, that's all.

Blueberry · December 06, 2017, 09:27:02 PM

My computer and Internet connection handily needed a break, so I gave them one and used the time to move to music aka allowed my body to move according to impulses, which usually allows stuck feelings to come unstuck.

sanmagic7 · December 06, 2017, 11:12:18 PM

wow, blueberry, sounds like lots of stuff going on for you. i'm a big proponent of 'down time', time just for self, however that means for a person, but just not 'doing' something, interacting, going somewhere - just being with you quietly, reading, writing in your diary, enjoying something that you especially like where you don't have to put out a lot of energy. a time to recharge, as it were.

i know that when i don't make enough of that time for myself, my body will make it for me. i'll get sick and can't do anything. not as much fun as voluntarily taking time to just be.

kudos to you, my dear. i don't do 12-step programs anymore, either, but some of the sayings are helpful, especially (to me) step by step. sounds like that's exactly what you're doing, taking this step by step. big hug.