Blueberry's Journal

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
You've been doing a lot of stuff lately - expressing yourself in your E-mail, and expressing some anger - I hope you're feeling better for having let some of it out and channelled it - I know you didn't sleep very well last night, so I hope that you get a better night's sleep tonight. 

to you Blueberry.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope  At least this morning I was so energised by my anger that I almost bounced out of bed. That was certainly useful, since I usually have a lot of trouble getting going.

DR, you are giving me some new ideas, thank you! 

[Blueberry]

I feel calmer this evening than I did the rest of today and yesterday. I'm feeling the anger and rage less, so I suppose I actually got some of it out of my system.

Sometimes by the time I get through reading other posts as Mod and replying to some of them as well, I don't have any energy or words left to respond to posts made to me on my own threads. It's not that I don't appreciate responses... But since yesterday I note that I'm responding less to other people's posts. I think it's good to wait and see who all else on the forum responds. Just because I'm a Mod doesn't mean I have to 'save' everybody, though of course some threads and posts need more attention (like Welcome). So that's just my particular healing journey 

Originally I intended to go to the farm today, but then thought there were a number of things I ought to do for myself finally instead. Haven't done much of them either.

I bought a book today on forgiveness, though I had a good read of it in the shop first. According to this book, the first step to forgiving is understanding what was done to you and expressing it, they suggest in written form. The first step is not 'forgiving and forgetting', 'sweeping it under the rug' etc. I'll be interested to see where this book takes me. I felt pulled towards it emotionally rather than intellectually and that's a sign for me. I also hope the book might help me with forgiving myself more, which really means accepting myself as I am.

[Blueberry]

I've started reading the forgiveness book. It is a bit triggering. In my mind, I replace the "must" and "should" with "want". Maybe I'll even write them in the book, even tho I don't like defacing books. Before I read further it would be good to do some of the exercises, might help reduce triggers.

[DecimalRocket]

I'm glad you're getting calmer and learning something to help you. Forgiveness is a tricky concept to many of us. Often oversimplified negatively or postively, when it's often more complicated than it seems.

If you won't mind, would you mind sharing some of the info and your experience with them? Just an idea.

Take care, Blue.

[Blueberry]

When I'm ready, I'll undoubtedly share.  I share everything else on here after all.

[Blueberry]

I feel pretty drained and shaken. I also have a very very bad cold, which isn't helping any.

There are posts I'd like to reply to on here, but I'm not because my brain and my words go AWOL when the reply window opens...

[Hope66]

I hope you have a good rest, Blueberry, and that you recuperate from your cold - take care
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope you feel better soonest.   

[DecimalRocket]

Getting sick is never fun. Take care, Blue, and rest up as much as you can.

[Blueberry]

Thank you all! 

[Blueberry]

So I've been reading a bit on forgiving and forgiveness. In the culture and language where the book is from when you pray for forgiveness, you actually ask for peace to be bestowed. I find that interesting, because when I'm feeling guilty or ashamed about something I've done in the present day, peace is certainly not in my mind or feelings! It would feel better if they were.

The other thing I'm thinking about is even if you think you are correct and the other person wrong so they ought to be apologising to you, it's good to step in their shoes for a minute and try and see how it feels from their perspective. I've been doing that a bit for a few people in LETS. That certainly calms me down a bit; I feel less like raging. OTOH I do think I need to be careful here, especially with FOO not to revert to seeing myself as bad and at fault and all that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The good thing about having a really bad cold is that I got on with some more of my Christmas post yesterday evening. Not that I'm sending much, but to a few friends, yes.

One of the bad things about having a cold is that they could have done with me at the farm on 3 different days this week and time-wise I could've done it, but I'm too sick to go up there in the cold, sneezing all over the produce too - better not.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
Great that you got some of your Christmas post done yesterday, and that you're recuperating from your cold.  I know you wanted to work on the Farm, but I feel sure they will be ok - and your health is important.  Hope you feel better soon.
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

That's great Blue that you're learning. When I had more anger problems, I used the same technique. Trying to see how other people think and feel — trying to see how different events in their lives might affect their worldview . . . it really makes a difference to how we see them.

It reminded me of something I read in "The Mind Club", where how people saw their enemies or who they hated as often simplified versions of them. As often having no major problems or not having little likes or dislikes — such as loving jazz music or not having a sweet tooth. The more we find something we relate to others, the more we're kinder to them.

[sanmagic7]

that whole forgiveness thing is a sticky wicket to me.  i hope you're finding it helpful. 

very good to hear you're getting some of that anger out.  i can't help but think that's always a good thing, especially when it's something we've avoided.

big hug to you, blueberry