Blueberry's Journal

[Blueberry]

I wanted to write something on here or on OOTF yesterday, but I somehow didn't dare on OOTF, and I couldn't think where to post it her. Until I remembered today: my own journal!!! Because here I can write what I want, don't have to think whether this is the correct thread for the topic.

On Friday I went on an outing to an amusement park with a group of people with a few psychological or other problems, most of whom I know a bit. There was a social worker with us, who knows all of us. Well, on OOTF I would've written something like: don't go on a trip with a group of PDs!!

I told one woman I wasn't happy at all with her behaviour towards me, with reason. But she'd already blotted her own behaviour out. Another member of the group decided I was being impatient and suggested I do a round of EFT tapping with the sentence "I accept and love myself even though I'm impatient." At that point I argued back.
At the end of the day when I saw the EFT guy again, he once again tried to convince me of the appropriateness of this sentence combined with the suggestion that I imagine a lovely meadow as a way to calm myself down. Although I had actually been quite calm, thanks very much, until he started in on the subject again. I couldn't contain myself and argued back. Fortunately the social worker was in hearing shot and told "EFT guy" I was much further along in my healing than him and knew what I needed (!) all by myself. Which had been set this woman a limit, even if she didn't understand, apparently.

The next day I got an email from EFT guy who'd explained the situation to his wife, who had agreed with me, the woman on the outing had behaved selfishly, but EFT guy doesn't see it that way. I actually answered that email and received a reply. I'm leaving it that way, no more PD ping pong. Not telling him he sounds severely co-dependent, or anything like that. Not my problem. One other thing he wrote: none of us are that healthy psychologically and we're all in T, but this woman is at the beginning of her T (tho I know she's been in T before) and I'm much further along, so I should give her a break.

But it's taken till today for me to figure out why I couldn't go over to Medium Chill earlier in the game. One reason: I'm just not that practised at Medium Chill yet.
Second reason: Not continuing to discuss in FOO meant that you lost, and if you lost because you backed out of the argument you were a Total Failure. In my teens when I still lived in the FOO residence I was perversely proud of being "weird" and "difficult", but "failure" and "loser" were too hard-hitting, too hurtful to be even perversely proud of. If you backed out of an argument (or were shut out of one for being too illogical/irrational), you were an intellectual failure, and that counted against you in my FOO biiiig time. It counted for all eternity too. I guess that's part of the traumatisation when the inner children bits of us don't realise that time has moved on, that what was spouted then is no longer applicable in my world today.
Third reason (and revelation): a man (EFT guy) was protecting a grown woman from my setting a limit.  "...this woman is at the beginning of her T ... and I'm much further along, so I should give her a break". It feels like F protecting M just recently; and B1 protecting M in our childhood (from me and my criticism) "Look at how weird her parents are, look how she was brought up, no wonder she's a bit strict/weird..." Though he exempted himself from taking M's upbringing and criticism into consideration when he was angry at her. And it feels like a whole long line of me being blamed for everything under the sun and not protected throughout my childhood. Somebody was always in a "poorer state", to be pitied, and granted some help, maybe even be given something of mine as a consolation. Or me, I was just to put up, and shut up. I didn't do so on the outing, I've had enough of that, but there was still criticism coming my way.

It wouldn't have been 'always' in my childhood, that's just the way it's stuck in my brain, but often enough for it to seem like always.

OK, so that's at least one of the reasons why I spent most of the day in bed (public holiday) sucking cough drops.

[Blueberry]

The other thing going on right now at least in my thoughts is, as I withdraw more and more from FOO, I'm re-thinking accepting financial help from them. I'm actually meant to be sending them a rough estimate of my monthly expenses, not just for now but for the foreseeable future. Well I'm not planning on that, but rather an estimate of my monthly deficit. This task was on my list of stuff to do today, not an overtly compulsory thing, but covertly. Well, that sure backfired since I simply didn't get out of bed till very late.

Partly it's not even wanting to know so clearly myself. That's all that I can write on self-realisation at the moment. Difficult topic. Need to let sit for a while.

[Candid]

That sounds like a horrible day out for you, Blueberry. You can't know till you go along, can you? And I assume you were all transported together, so you couldn't bail out at the first sign of things going wrong for you. I am really reluctant to go along to things I can't get away from under my own steam. Hate the feeling of being trapped with it, as you were.

As to accepting financial help from FOO, I say go for it. If 'strings' or conditions appear, you can always back off.

[Blueberry]

Actually, it was a really good day out. There were just these couple of incidents, which got me thinking. I went along last year too and it was great.

I've been accepting financial help for a long time, as compensation (in my mind). My thinking now is that there maybe are some unseen strings attached, which are affecting me unconsciously into self-sabotage etc.

[Candid]

as compensation (in my mind).

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. It sounds as though your imagination is working overtime to guilt you for accepting it.

What if they too are thinking compensation, and you're giving them the chance to assuage their guilt?

[Blueberry]

as compensation (in my mind).

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. It sounds as though your imagination is working overtime to guilt you for accepting it.

What if they too are thinking compensation, and you're giving them the chance to assuage their guilt?

The thing is: they don't seem to get their guilt. At all. Last time I saw FOO in the summer, M mentioned something like it was good for me to be staying with B's family because of the lovely scenery and the birds, that would help with depression.      Sorry, no, not the problem nor the solution. Like you, Candid, I've tried so often to explain what's going on and they don't get it. They even know of my CPTSD diagnosis and would be quite capable of researching online about it, if they wanted. But they'd still read about it and think: "What has that got to do with us? We didn't abuse Blueberry. That was all normal upbringing. Blueberry is being too sensitive."     

If they wanted to assuage their guilt, assuming they felt any, they could've done that already because I have had a fair amount of financial help over the years. Well so have my sibs without actually really needing it, I'd say. None of them have been incapable of work for long stretches of time. They see it differently of course.

I'm not sure that I'm guilting myself, more wondering: Is it really good for me in the long run to be still accepting money? Haven't come to a conclusive answer yet, nor do I need to. It's just one of these topics-for-consideration at the moment.

[Blueberry]

Now I know why things are being a bit difficult at the moment: I'm starting an additional job tomorrow. Just 3-4 hours in certain weeks, but that's obviously enough to throw me a bit.

And it's the very job I wrote about right at the beginning of this Journal. About 6 or 7 weeks ago. I no longer feel so worried about turning into an SG, I'm just feeling generally FOGGY. Which means I should do something other than reading and posting on here like maybe listen to some music and move a bit, that usually helps.

[Blueberry]

Of four little tasks (all to do with my professional work) I wanted to get done this evening before I start my additional job tomorrow, I did one. I'm just putting things off. It's good to recognise. And give up on these tasks for today, because I'm obviously not going to do them.

[Candid]

The thing is: they don't seem to get their guilt.

"What has that got to do with us? We didn't abuse Blueberry. That was all normal upbringing. Blueberry is being too sensitive." 

Yeah, I thought that while I was writing it. My FOO are exactly the same, except that instead of "too sensitive" they would probably say "difficult as always". Or "Candid is mad."

my sibs [...] see it differently of course.

Mine too. It stings, I know.

Is it really good for me in the long run to be still accepting money?

I asked my Dad for money when I was broke and alone and very scared in a foreign country. M answered the phone and immediately hung up on me. Dad rang back a few minutes later and talked to me (I was crying) for some time. There were strings attached, of course; for a while there I was obliged to write letters to him and M telling them all about my life and not mentioning anything they'd done in the past. It was such a chore. Apart from anything else I didn't want them to know about my life and receive M's patronising replies. It was always she who wrote.

I say if you can manage without their financial assistance, better to do that. Obviously I'm totally cut off now, Dad's dead anyway and M wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire, as the saying goes.

I'm just feeling generally FOGGY. Which means I should do something other than reading and posting on here...

I agree. Most days I sit on the forum way too long, until it feels like CPTSD is all I am. Good luck on the work front, Blueberry!

[Blueberry]

Woah, Candid. About turn of opinion overnight. But I haven't actually made a final decision on the financials myself. Big topic, needs time.

Continuing my Journal:
I turned up at my new job today to be looked at blankly and told: "We forgot you were coming and don't need you today."

Fortunately it's literally 2 minutes from my front door. So I didn't waste any time getting there. And the positive side-effects: I was up early by my standards and had a shower and hair wash before I went. I'd been putting off washing my hair for a while, so that was definitely good. Then seeing as I was up, I washed a pile of dishes, which was in desperate need of being done.

So once again I notice: It's not so easy to get into the gig economy / minimum wage jobs, even if you wanted to be there in the first place. I just wanted an extra little job where I'm not struggling as a self-employed person, which is often a struggle, but the best i can do atm.

I noticed a correlation with the outing on Friday: it seems easy to 'forget' or 'overlook' me. I'm healthy enough now emotionally speaking to not say it always happens. It doesn't. My friends remember to include me, even acquaintances do. Or ask after me, send emails - Where were you? We missed you. - etc. Being forgotten / overlooked reminds me of the old emotional hurt of having that done in my FOO. M was especially good at that, "Oh, Blueberry will be OK. She doesn't need any help / compassion / consoling." Or "Blueberry doesn't get to go with us / have that treat / be forgiven, she's too difficult." And if I objected, which I did on occasion, then I was being "difficult, stupid" or M "didn't get anything from me" so couldn't be bothered with me. Um, parents aren't meant to 'get things' from their children really, but anyway....

So this is the old hurt, or at least part of it, being dragged up. I tried a bit of EF Tapping but I feel an internal block at doing it. Did two rounds anyway, and then gave up. Felt so exhausted. Maybe I just need to say what happened? Or maybe that then try EFT later?

[Blueberry]

I've jsut sent a short email to M, she had actually expected this email about 4 weeks ago. Never gone so long not passing on information when I had it. I think it was pretty Medium Chill. I worded it in such a way as to show I don't expect or want an answer. FOO is actually fairly good at not trying to communicate when I expressly say I don't want that.
Still going into my emails will probably be a bit hard tomorrow.

[Blueberry]

I looked in my emails, I had to for other reasons. Relieved there was nothing from M though.

I asked my psycho-doc about increasing my meds but he doesn't think it'll be helpful. I also asked him if I'm getting early-onset dementia, but he doesn't think that either.

Before my doc appointment I was left in the lurch, this time by friends, for the third time in 6 days.     I wanted to phone someone and share this disappointment / (dump this disappointment on somebody else?) but I couldn't think of who I could reach in the morning... So I think the lesson to be learned is that the strength is within me. Maybe it's a bit of a test of my resilience. I made myself a cup of a special kind of tea, in compensation. I needed a drink anyway.

And the other lesson: I need to concentrate more on my friends and acquaintances. I'm pulling back from FOO, I need to cement friendships IRL more and revive whatever it is I have with people I know just a little, in order to expand the number of people I can fall back on when the going gets tough as well as to increase the number of times a week I'm meeting up with other people, even if it is to do something together rather than chatting about problems, solutions or the weather.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
Glad you coped ok with looking through your E-mails today, and I sense some resilience in what you wrote today - really good!   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Hope, 

[Blueberry]

A couple of days ago in another thread I wrote "A realisation coming and/or memory resurfacing is often preceded by a day or two of not being able to get on with things." And then realised today that I'd forgotten that piece of wisdom again, for the hundredth time. When I'm in the middle of such a time period, I somehow don't have access to this realisation, although I come up with this realisation again and again once a new realisation has come or a memory has resurface, and was even able to tell somebody else here of it.

Today I've been feeling a little less stuck, things have been moving forwards again a bit, i.e. I have managed to do a few things that I've been putting off for weeks or merely days. I got not one but 2 FOO emails and I was still able to put that aside and continue writing my Goals poster for next few months and put it up on my wall. The Goals poster had been lying unfinished on the floor since Monday. So that's good. Once it's more or less complete and on the wall, I can start checking off what I accomplish whether it's a regular activity like getting up at my alarm and taking my meds or just a one-off thing, like arranging a particular appointment. It's really useful for me. When I don't have a current one on the wall, I tend to go a bit crazy internally or a bit haywire because I know there's stuff to do but somehow addictive behaviour is sooo much easier. And  to myself for finishing this despite the two FOO emails.

I did notice though that the two FOO emails had an effect. One was a message from M, the other just pics from F (out of the blue seemingly, and not just to me), fortunately almost none with people in them. The effect was: I started questioning myself on whether things had really been that bad....

I know from some of the posts on here that some of you had it far, far worse than I did, especially in physical and sexual abuse. I don't usually compare any more, knowing that things in my childhood and teenage years and on beyond that were quite bad enough to affect me the way they have, I didn't need anything else. I mean, the symptoms and what I live and deal with almost daily speak for themselves. But now I see: just a tiny bit of contact, and it's sucked me back into FOO thinking.

In the summer when I last had contact with parents, sibs, sibs-in-law, also cousins and other members of FOO and ended up in a major EF and was absolutely devastated for days and believed all the crxp I was hearing about myself, I just needed to remove myself geographically to stop believing all the stuff I'd been hearing. But now I notice even the most minor contact throws me for a loop.

I'm grateful I can write these realisations here and that at least some of you will understand. I still feel kind of sad aobut contact not possible, which was undoubtedly why I clicked on the emails and read them after all. Yikes, bad move, Blueberry. Having you all here will help me stay LC or VLC until I'm through trauma therapy and on beyond; I'm sure that on beyond will be necessary. So now I'm going to go and write a bit under Recovery Letters.