Blueberry's Journal

[Blueberry]

I tried to attend a self-help group this morning, but it had been cancelled. This didn't bother me in the least, because I was concentrating on the fact that going had got me out of the house and into the fresh air and onto my bike. I then I did a row of 'infectious health' activities, meaning doing one healthy thing leading to another and another and another... I guess it's a type of flow, or being in flow, listening to my body and soul - what can I do now that would be healthy? What's the next healthy impulse?

On my second little cycle I was mindful of my senses, looking at all the green leaves, hearing the river rushing and feeling the moist air on my face. I have my new Goals poster up on the wall and one of the means to achieving the Goal of Looking After Self is to be mindful of the six senses. I differentiate between Touch and Feel. Touch is when I actively reach out to touch something. Feel is more passive, like feeling the wind or rain on my face. I'm allowing the wind or rain to touch me, but I can still concentrate on feeling it, or not. I think that's what being mindful is - to anchor me in here and now. Having mindful of the six senses on my Goals poster means that I will be more mindful of it. That's how my Goals poster works, because I put a check mark next to a completed activity. It's all colour-coded too, which draws my eye toward it on the wall much more than if it were just black on white.

One of my healthy activities: I did a round of Tapping to clear up some feelings from last night and it worked!  For Tapping I'm giving myself    because it's often very difficult for me to do something healthy for myself, especially if it's a physical thing or if it will take my body into some traumatic realm, even if I'm not really going in far at all, just dipping my little toe in (as my T says) and not really feeling into my feelings. They come sort of anyway, but not in words or even in pictures, I just yawn a lot, which can be exhausting. I don't know what I'm writing any more, so taking a break. Need to re-centre and re-ground.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
Your goals to be Mindful of the 6 senses sounds really great.    for achieving so many healthy things, and being in a 'flow'.  I can see the difference between 'touch' and 'feel' and that sounds meaningful.  We are lucky to have so many senses - and tuning into them sounds like a great idea.  I have been focusing on getting more in tune with my body, and being mindful of it - and I do think it's been helpful.  Wishing you well with your goals.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Feeling a bit bad today. Can hardly be bothered doing things combined with I have so many impulses that I don't know where to start. That's often difficult because I think if I start that I'll make a misjudgement or a mistake. And that is in fact what happened. It's not a grevious mistake, but it's a mistake. It's the kind of mistake which I think will make people ridicule me. I tried to rectify it but it didn't really work. Ridicule hurts because that's what FOO went in for, big time. It took me a long time to realise that it's not just that FOO was insensitive, no, that was their way of keeping me small, keeping me down.

Not a mistake that will harm anybody else though, but just hold me back in my creativity. As long as I let it. But it's better to let it than do addictive/self-destructive behaviour.

[Blueberry]

For not the first time, I think I should spend less time on here and more in my real life.

[Blueberry]

I managed to somewhat rectify the mistake of yesterday. It doesn't look so bad anymore.

Today I tried out a part-time job of a type I've done before. It was very difficult for me, although that in itself was interesting information. It's fairly unskilled work, learn as you go. You have to be able to handle a simple cash register and do some mental arithmetic because the cash register adds but doesn't tell you the change. You have to learn the products and their prices, and some of the prices vary from week to week, you can't always see the prices from where you're working. And some products you have to wrap in newspaper etc. I'm not very adept with my fingers.

My real profession, which I do as a self-employed person, you can't just learn on the job. So it was interesting to note that the problems I have in my profession (almost) all cropped up at this job. I did some EFT (tapping) afterwards and it's all my old 'themes': Even though I feel like a failure, / even though I had trouble with the cash register/ even though my mind went blank/ Even though I work slowly/ Even though I was doing a job students do (and I'm decades beyond that), I love and accept myself. + Even though I made mistakes, ... there - I can't even say i accept myself. In addition, even though I kept forgetting what I'd just done,.... Not a problem I have any more in my professional work, because I've pared it down to just what I can do, just what is manageable, like working with one person only rather than a group.

It was certainly an eye-opener today. I haven't written it under: And Others/ Employment because mostly these are problems in my own psyche. Not in my own head really, they're more likely engraved in my heart or somewhere. And yes, I have done tons of therapy on accepting myself, not all even just cognitive, but some deep-seated emotional work too. It's when I work for pay that things get really bad. If I were working as a volunteer, I wouldn't put myself under such stress; some stress yes, but not so much. Working with other people and having to perform with customers waiting

I don't remember it being so hard at the beginning the other place I worked. But I started out with 3 hours instead of 5 1/2. And I think at that time I was less aware of the messages in my mind/heart/body or whereever exactly they are stored.

One problem today was that they showed me how to work the cash register once, too fast for me. When I learn a new action of any type, particularly physical action, I need to practise it a few times. I didn't have that opportunity, I just had to do it. After about 3 hours maybe I'd got the hang of the cash register all the time, but shortly thereafter some part of my brain went on strike again, and I kept making mistakes.

It's good that I tried. Now I know that doing some 'easier' job isn't the answer. In fact it probably makes more sense to still keep trying to work freelance in my chosen field(s) and similar ones, which I can take some training in. That makes more sense than giving up my freelance work, which I think about every so often. I have to spend money in order to make money. Wouldn't it make sense to take my available time and be employed somewhere? The answer is 'No'.

[Blueberry]

Trying out this job and it not working out threw me fairly badly by this year's standards. I mean 10 years ago a low-level EF might've gone on for 3 months more or less, whereas as now it's just a week or two. But I don't always notice it for what it is, because in some ways I can function, but in other ways, like getting up in the morning, I can't, or only with great difficulty or only a few days a week.

Part of the not-working-out is very bad news because it showed me that I'll probably never be able to work enough to earn my basic upkeep. I had kind of assumed (who knows why) that if I were to give up my freelance work and spend those hours I can work earning only instead of spending money in order to work (as freelancers do before we even get onto paying taxes, which I don't because I don't earn enough), then I would manage that with some basic not-so-skilled job. But that turns out not true.
And probably inspite of everything it would make sense to keep accepting money from FOO combined with learning to set more and more limits, as I have begun doing this year.

I don't suppose so much of that will make sense to anyone else on here. It does when I explain it in detail to non-cyber friends in my country, but they don't really understand the possible implications involved in keeping accepting money from FOO. They say things like: "your family can afford it" (which is true).

[Blackbird]

I've accepted money from my family when I was NC. Honestly, they tend to draw you in again. NC ended shortly after that.

See if you are strong enough to deal with that pressure. 

[Blueberry]

I appreciate you posting your thoughts on this, Blackbird, but I think I'm taking a different route.

I'm not NC. I'm LC to VLC.
My T was working with me today along the lines of I state what I want from M and F: send a whole bunch of money all at once and I get to decide what I use it for. And I ask them how much roughly they were thinking. But I don't go into explaining and justifying etc etc. And I don't give them the information they asked for which is: how much are my monthly expenses, for what. No, I go into adult mode and say: this is what I want. Otherwise I'm accepting my parents keeping me in a child mode, begging for extra pocket money and explaining and justifying why I need it. Although I've already explained to them several times over the years that I have C-PTSD and it is not going away. My T says things will get better i.e. improve, but not get good, and they certainly won't get easy. And I personally don't think all the problems will ever go away, they 'll lessen, they'll become more manageable, but disappear, no.

I know that on here and on OOTF most people suggest not taking FOO money and not being in any contact when going through trauma therapy, but my T says you can differentiate there a bit. My FOO is obviously not as bad as some in the present day. My parents are now accepting my rules of: no phone calls, just occasional emails. I'm only sending emails now on financial stuff, no chit-chat, not even about the weather. Their behaviour in the past month or so has precipitated that. My sibs are accepting 'no contact till I get back to them' which might be never I suppose. None of FOO will unexpectedly end up on my doorstep or any of that kind of stalking behaviour. For one thing, they all live far to very far away. And for another, it's just not their thing. Plenty of other stuff is, but that, no.

Working on negotiating via email with my parents - well it's working on other topics too. You're meant to go through a separation phase and self-discovery phase either during the Terrible Twos or as a teenager. I did neither, it wasn't permitted and I lived in far too much fear as a teenager to even try, and presumably as a toddler too. Now the direction I'm headed with the support of my T is taking this step and to hexx with what my parents think or say or whether it hurts them. I don't actually want to hurt them, but I can't keep wondering if setting a limit is going to hurt them, so I can't set a limit. No, I'm starting to set limits, place boundaries. And although many Ts and also fellow patients will say that if you want to be treated as an adult, you have to act like one and e.g. earn your own money, I choose to disagree. Even when I was earning enough of my own money, my parents didn't see any reason to change their behaviour much and treat me as an adult. And now the  problem is: I can't work enough to earn enough. One of the big problems I have working is: sticking up for myself in a way that is not JADEing.  You have to be able to do that as a freelancer (which I am) or in other ways as an employee, that I manage even less. So that's where I'm going with this.

[Blackbird]

Oh, I thought you were NC... I'm sorry.

Good luck 

[Blueberry]

No need to be sorry, Blackbird. Explaining the issue helped me straighten it out better in my own mind. That often happens and is really quite useful.

[Hope66]

You're meant to go through a separation phase and self-discovery phase either during the Terrible Twos or as a teenager. I did neither, it wasn't permitted and I lived in far too much fear as a teenager to even try, and presumably as a toddler too.

Hi Blueberry,
I relate so much to what you wrote here, that was the same for me.  It really helped me to hear you say that - I just wanted to say that.   I think that's a tough thing to have been fearful to even try to separate. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you, Hope, for your validation. I'm sorry it was like that for you too.
My M has always been proud that none of her children went through the Terrible Twos. Even my sibs have joked that we were probably too fearful to do it. It's terrible she's so proud of it because it turns out it was actually harmful my not accomplishing one of these phases. Now M and F seem confused about me doing it now. But that is their lookout.

[Blueberry]

So I've written the email on money issues to F and M. I think it's pretty good - factual and not overly much explaining myself etc. Still I'm going to let it sit till tomorrow in case I want to change something after all.

This morning (long before I wrote the email) I had a pretty desperate craving for something sweet. I got on with various things and ignored it. I had a good long conversation with a friend with whom I can be very open on feelings and generally what's going on emotionally (as she can with me). We didn't actually even talk about any kind of cravings, but about other progress of mine. That might have helped lift the sugar craving. In the evening I finally got on with making spinakopita using garden weeds instead of spinach since I'd been putting it off for a few days and it was high time I used up the dough. It's not easy for me to make this kind of thing. There are various steps involved, hands are involved in wrapping... Cooking can be triggering for me, partly because I'm using my hands, partly for reasons I don't really know. But not tonight. No, I suddenly noticed in the middle of it all: Hey, my sugar craving is completely gone!

I have vague feelings of why that could be and other feelings of why it's definitely not. When I try and keep the feeling and express it in a word or two even just in my own head, it disappears. Meaning it's too early for me to know or acknowledge the connection between preparing that meal and losing my craving. But I know that once it's been revealed to me that there is a connection, then I will at some point realise what it was about the preparation that made the craving get lost.

[Candid]

It's terrible she's so proud of it because it turns out it was actually harmful my not accomplishing one of these phases.

Hey Blueberry!

You might be interested in Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy, http://www.dnmsinstitute.com/therapy/wp-content/docs/aboutdnms.pdf.

[Blackbird]

Hmmm... I love spinakopita  Good for you on the cravings!