Blueberry's Journal

Started by Blueberry, March 18, 2017, 09:26:28 PM

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Blueberry

I started this post in Recovery from CPTSD / Set Backs. I titled it: Steps forward, Step back. But then decided really it should be the beginning of a Recovery Journal especially since I'm writing my inner dialogue further down.   
The past couple of days I've been doing so well IRL, getting on with things. Even this morning that was the case and then suddenly I plummeted this afternoon, and went to bed, my alarm set. I slept too, so that's OK but then got up briefly and then  went back to bed again and didn't re-set my alarm. Which isn't so good. I do have a list to hand (right by my bed) of Today's Could Do Things, which includes fun things too not just chores. But instead of having a quick look and staying up and doing one of the easiest or funnest activities, I went back to bed.

Had I attempted to do too much? I did mention to a possible employer that I could work one morning a week starting April. Yes, as I write that, it's clear that was the problem. Instead of going back to bed, what could have been a more useful internal dialogue? I've merely inquired about the job, that doesn't mean I have to take it if it looks as if it might be too many hours after all or for one reason or another too difficult. But I have done similar work before and it was a welcome break from my profession because so different. Non-sedentary, outside in the fresh air, work including at times of year when my profession tails off for a bit.

And most important to remember: the employer is not FOO and I am not a dependent child. I wouldn't be - what's the word??? (that problem again) - completely defenseless. OK now I understand. Worries about turning SG there as well.  So again I say to myself it is different though, as an adult I can leave if I have to. Not like a dependent child in a FOO who can only leave alive by dissociation or by being removed, but the latter wouldn't have happened in my case. And it's not necessarily a forever job, maybe just 6 months to give me a bit more income at a time I need some. Also it's good to ask and try and then see. If I discover before I even start that thisn't the right time for this job, then I can turn it down.

With worries about turning SG in my subconscious or unconscious mind, I can understand why my energy plummeted and why I went back to bed the second time.

Whether subconscious or unconscious is pretty irrelevant, I know what I mean and this is a space where I can let worries about wrong word/spelling/ grammar go.

I'm back on my feet now. Even before posting on here I did a few small jobs from my list. So I got back on my feet pretty fast. Good job, Blueberry.  :bigwink:

Candid

Yes, good job, Blueberry!   :applause: :applause:

Quote from: Blueberry on March 18, 2017, 09:26:28 PMI've merely inquired about the job, that doesn't mean I have to take it if it looks as if it might be too many hours after all or for one reason or another too difficult. But I have done similar work before and it was a welcome break from my profession because so different. Non-sedentary, outside in the fresh air, work including at times of year when my profession tails off for a bit.

And most important to remember: the employer is not FOO and I am not a dependent child.

Yes, that's a useful dialogue: self-reassurance about something that was causing you unnamed anxiety.

QuoteWhether subconscious or unconscious is pretty irrelevant

Indeed, because after you'd had a nap the anxiety had a name that came to full consciousness: workplace bullying, aka scapegoating. And you know exactly why you have that fear, and why it's irrational. There's a handy saying: name it to tame it. That's what you've done here.  :cheer:

Blueberry

Thanks, Candid. I didn't know about name it to tame it. Now I do.

Blueberry

So back online when there are kazillions of things to do, and it's sunny and warm outside. Granted most of the things I should be doing are inside, but even if I decided not to do them, I could do a couple of things outside rather than sitting at the computer.

So what's up? Too many ideas of things to do, too many impulses. Even though the impulses are for healthy activities - whether emotionally, physically or both, sometimes that can be too much as well. Too many upcoming appointments, i.e. work seems a bit too much at the moment. Even forgot an appointment yesterday, though it's a regular one.  Other upcoming appointments seem too much too. Where can I cut back for the moment? What can I outsource? Some of the upcoming appointments and commitments seem too much because I can't find out the exact agenda yet. So the answer there is: let it go for a few days. Don't worry about things you can't change until you can change them.    ;)   (self-dialogue BTW)

Don't worry about a whole bunch of other things either, just keep going bit by bit on your tasks. OK, that's my answer to myself for at least the next couple of hours. Now to get on with the tasks... Oh, I see, formulating and writing and 'proving' is the problem and I have a letter to write which involves all three.  But the letter's almost finished! You could... No I can't actually. OK, then, go and do something with your hands which doesn't involve writing or explaining or justifying or anything like that.
Thanks, OOTS for providing a space where I can write that and in so doing figure out what's most useful for me to do next. Oh, it seems FOO is in my unconscious, hovering just under my conscious mind. That would also explain why things difficult. However, physical activity helps me not to dissociate, so I will go and do some, like vacuum.

Three Roses

 :cheer: relatively non-verbal these past few days but I wanted to say something supportive. Keep talking care of you - you're worth it!   ;D

Candid

Quote from: Blueberry on March 23, 2017, 12:52:36 PMDon't worry about a whole bunch of other things either, just keep going bit by bit on your tasks. OK, that's my answer to myself for at least the next couple of hours.

And it's a good answer, that involved self-soothing.

QuoteOh, I see, formulating and writing and 'proving' is the problem and I have a letter to write which involves all three.  But the letter's almost finished! You could... No I can't actually. OK, then, go and do something with your hands which doesn't involve writing or explaining or justifying or anything like that.

There's another possibility: call on your Internal Mother, who says: "You're feeling a bit under par at the moment. How about taking a nap?"

Blueberry

Three Roses,
thanks for the cheer leader (she's so cute and inspirational, I love her) and your support and validation.

Candid, thanks for the ideas, also to another post of mine recently. I don't think I have an Internal Mother, tho I do have various Helpers, all of whom are women, girls or animals.

Blueberry

So continuing my Journal:
Yesterday I had too many things on my Could Do list, so many that I couldn't even see the one item that involved doing something fun. Result was I did very little from my list, ate junk food, stayed up half the night on the computer, of which the most useful activity was reading and writing on here. Today I spent most of the day in bed, so back on the computer in the late evening, however at least this time with some realisations.

One is: don't overload your Could Do list, even if the items are Could Do, it still obviously overwhelms when too much on list in general and not enough of do something fun, take a break. Some of the fun stuff actually includes mindful activities. I noticed after checking mindfulness, thanks to post from Candid on mindfulness to postpone / prevent onset of Alzheimer's and possibly bring back buried good memories.  :hug: to Candid.

The other thing impeding activity was the resurfacing of one of the ideas my M at least often implied in the past, even if not necessarily said, and that is: If you don't grab the bull by the horns in this situation, you'll never get the chance again, forget it, you'll never succeed, if you turn that person down (possible employer in this case), you'll never be able to approach them again. etc etc. In a real case in my childhood she did say this to B1 about an issue in which I also was involved and even blamed, which is probably why it made such an impression. It turned out not even true!

But still today in the here and now I need the validation from a friend I spoke to a few hours ago that I can tell the employer that it was a spontaneous idea on my part and that having reviewed it I've decided that it wouldn't suit my schedule in the next months after all. End of story, not a big deal, but not an idea I would've had on my own. The moral of the story: don't put too much reliance on old ideas from FOO, ask somebody with relative emotional health in today's society. But actually until I spoke to this friend, I wasn't really clear on what was going on. The memory had resurfaced but then disappeared again.

Blueberry

Now I want to write some stuff to a FOO member that's been going round in my head for the past few days. It might not make sense to anybody else on here, since none of you know the situation it's referring to. Please bear with me. I think it's just a rant to somebody rather than about somebody. I can't keep the sarcasm out of my thoughts. Sarcasm normal in my FOO to suppress feelings or something like that.

Dear B2,
And your plan was??? Oh, you didn't have a plan? You just figured it would be OK to repeat the family myth that I was the cause of all family problems, in this case ruining the family holiday, without looking at which of your actions helped lead to the problem during family holiday? It's just so much easier to blame me. And you thought it would be OK to phone me up at home afterwards as if nothing had happened? It's not OK! I'm done with this crxp! I'm not the family garbage dump.

I'm really sad and hurt that it seemed so unimportant to you that I spend time with your DD. After all I am her godmother! You asked me if I would be, even though you knew I have various psychological problems. I'm healthier now than I was at that time. For a few years now, I've planned to try and come to your country sometime to see my little nieces and nephews even though it would be very difficult for me. I won't be coming now, no way. I'm not visiting people who think it's OK to make snide remarks (in public, even, in front of lots of other people!) about 'mental health issues' and suggest I go home before I'd even mentioned that myself.

As I build a stronger relationship year by year with my other godchild, I notice how much I have to give! So you were happy to deny me and your DD the chance to strengthen our relationship because you were unable to set our M a limit. That's what it comes down to.


Blueberry

Now that I've written and 'posted' but not mailed  ;) this letter to B2, my thoughts have stopped churning or returning to the topic. That question: "And your plan was?" has disappeared from my head. Seems to have been cathartic.  :cheer: Now to do that with the rest of my emotions regarding FOO last summer.

Three Roses


Candid

Good to hear, Blueberry! Onwards and upwards.  ;D

jdcooper

QuoteThe moral of the story: don't put too much reliance on old ideas from FOO, ask somebody with relative emotional health in today's society.

This is so healthy.  What a great thing to realize.

QuoteDon't worry about things you can't change until you can change them.    ;)   (self-dialogue BTW)

Don't worry about a whole bunch of other things either, just keep going bit by bit on your tasks.

That is really good self-dialogue.  I need to do more of this.

Blueberry

#13
Thank you for all your posts. Even if I don't reply to them directly, or not right now, they help me. They're validating, and they're encouraging.


Trigger warning:

Just been reading somebody else's Journal where SA and other forms of abuse mentioned along with those fears and thoughts which are common to us survivors, e.g. (in my own words) Am I too sensitive? Am I making mountains out of molehills? To the other poster I can say in my head "Of course you're not being 'too sensitive'! of course you're not making stuff up. Of course that was real, your feelings count!" But I can't feel that for myself yet. Cognitively I sort of know that what happened to me wasn't right, and I have talked about it sometimes to the odd good friend or especially among fellow patients and had my feelings validated. Even as a child I felt that 'something' was wrong.
Not even here can I write it for fear of ridicule. Though I know you all aren't going to do that! I'm maligning you, but you'll understand, I'm sure, that bits of me don't feel safe enough yet.  I guess I don't even need my Trigger Warning up top. 

Presumably I don't feel safe enough yet because I still have some form of contact to my abuser, even if "just" email, and fairly seldom. Blanked out now. End for the evening.

jdcooper

I feel this way too, am I being too sensitive, was it really that bad?  Every time someone validates me I want to jump up and down and cry with gratitude.  To finally be understood.  To be told yes it happened and it wasn't your fault.  I kept in contact with my abuser for years with no real awareness of the extent of damage he did to me.

I hope you can feel safe enough to speak your truth soon.