Blueberry's Journal

[Candid]

Am I too sensitive? Am I making mountains out of molehills? To the other poster I can say in my head "Of course you're not being 'too sensitive'! of course you're not making stuff up. Of course that was real, your feelings count! But I can't feel that for myself yet.

I hear you, Blueberry! I'm fed up with the Doubts that keep me revisiting old wounds.

Even as a child I felt that 'something' was wrong.

I assumed it was me. After all, Mother said it was me. And Mother's always right, isn't she?

bits of me don't feel safe enough yet. 

Me neither. There are Things I choose not to think about, much less write about. I can feel them like a rock in the belly but I don't know how to begin seeing them for what they were.

Presumably I don't feel safe enough yet because I still have some form of contact to my abuser, even if "just" email

I had "just" email contact with my mother for a few weeks at the end of 2012. I used it as a way of expressing my outrage about things she'd said and done over the years, and I was living a long way from her so no fear of reprisal. She stopped replying in the end and I naively thought I'd had the last word... then found my siblings had dumped me as well. So... lesson learned: Mother always wins.

[Blueberry]

It's been a weird kind of day, difficult too. My T did say this week that I'd likely notice how deep the work went in the last session as the week went on. So I've been allowing myself to lie in / on bed processing, I guess you could say. In and out of sleep, dreams but no real nightmares, some realisations in my semi-waking hours. I guess more and more willingness coming to let FOO go. Though it saddens me too.

A flying monkey of an email came today, which I've just read. Is F asking when I'm finally going to get back to him on some financial issue? No. He is informing me that the brevity of my last email to my M - a short response to the question in her email to me - is distressing her. i.e. you are hurting your mother.
Keep it up! Teh more flying monkeys of this type, the faster I will get to the point where I'll go VVVVVLC.

Since I'm however not yet at the stage where I can break loose, I did - wisely or unwisely - reply to the email sending a copy to M and saying that in future the person with an issue should tell me directly not via someone else. 

For those of you further along the road to permanent separation from FOO or who have at least stopped the dance of anger / dancing around in arguments, please be gentle in your comments. Everybody takes their time. I know I'm enmeshed still, though far less enmeshed than I have been.

[Blueberry]

Obviously I shouldn't have answered or even read this email from F. I had wanted to add a second post, more about what has been going on internally this week. Even though I knew it was going to be a bit disjointed, now I'm so foggy I can hardly write.

Let's see. Today and on lots of other days when the going is hard, I deny myself simple pleasures, like a nice cup of hot tea.   Or a drink at all. I know I'm thirsty or I'm really craving a hot drink, but I just don't bother. Well I did bother an hour or so ago.    My T said that in this type of situation for me the only way to heal is to keep going doing what's appropriate, i.e. self-care, listening to and acting on healthy physical signals.
As I write and read "I just don't bother" I see particularly F in his depression in my childhood not 'bothering' to protect me from M or B1, so  maybe you could say I'm repeating that neglect in other situations in my life now. I was fed and given enough to drink. I wasn't neglected that way.

Even in therapy I haven't yet managed to say that I feel I was betrayed by my F, and that in my FOO, our F is regarded as the good guy (not just by me), not at fault. If anybody is/was at fault then depending on whether in my childhood or adulthood it was me or my M, or maybe even a mix, but B1 and B2 and F are just never at fault. Except of course if F was not bothering to protect B1 from 'crazy' me.    [ Added a bit later, after my post below it: Then, according to B1, F was negligent. For men who claim to be feminists, there's quite a lot of blame-the-females going on in my FOO. Though even my M says the males are all feminists in our FOO, it was just me being 'wrong'. Me now under own  with thinking about this. Now I really am shutting down the computer.]

Don't ask me why I'm still dancing around in this FOO. I don't have a FOC, could be one reason I suppose. Though since the blow-up last summer I'm spending more time and energy on friendships. I mean, I don't have a partner, never have had.  Too frightened of conflict and other things. No, but really probably the reason for still having supposedly meaningful contact with my FOO is my enmeshment and the hope that they'll finally understand and change, which they won't.

I said to my T a while back that I obviously "have to get out of this family" but knowing how allergic I react to words like 'must, have to, ought to, should'  he said I didn't have to at all, that some people in my sort of position never do. So it really is down to me to decide: No, not continuing with this crxp. I don't want to anymore! I know it's what many other people here or on OOTF write, and also the necessity to take responsibility for your own life and decisions now (not just expect FOO to do so for themselves) and stop acting like a victim, but I needed to write this for myself now.
I know, I know I'm a bit slow. Well, this is what my inner critic is saying.
That's enough post for the evening.

I always say I'm allergic to those words, but I presume that more importantly I'm allergic to the feelings and ideas behind them. This just hit me so I'm writing it down.

[Blueberry]

Well, I guess that wasn't enough for the evening, because I went on to read some other posts.

So continuing my response to another member here, so as not to hijack her journal,

...They were continually ashamed of me, my very existence and I'm still projecting that onto little Blueberries, still ashamed and unforgiving of how I was as a child in various different ways and situations, where I was a child and learning! Not even adults are perfect! Healthy ones permit themselves to make mistakes or minor infractions, forgive themselves, move on from them, whereas in my FOO every 'mistake', every 'misjudgement' I made as a child was a disaster. It wasn't seen as a way to grow and change. Well, my M doesn't believe in forgiveness so it's not too surprising really. I've gone non-verbal on this topic again.

[Blueberry]

So another ranting letter, which I won't send in this form, to a member of FOO. But probably still cathartic for me to write it here. The other FOO letter I wrote in here was helpful.

Dear M,

Really?? After only one week, you decided you had to ask if post had arrived?? And then complained that I answered that question only instead of going into paroxysms of delight ie. your complaint was not about not knowing whether the post had arrived, it was about you feeling lonely or unappreciated or something. Essentially a guilt trip on me. I know that B1 and B2 don't always send you all the information you desire when you desire it, because you complain about it, but you expect it from me, the one who has suffered most under you. [Well of course she expects this because I always do eventually answer     Well, mostly anyway. And if I don't, somebody in FOO runs to her aid, shielding her from her hurt feelings and then telling me later how hurt she was. Up until now I've never managed to tell them that I didn't want to hear it either].

I also know that, a good number of years ago during a phase when I was not contacting you and hardly contacting F, B1 told you both that I was not punishing you by not writing in receipt of something, I was not writing because writing was so difficult. You may or may not recall that I said last summer that my health problems are not going to go away. Some things may improve, and given time undoubtedly will do, but writing remains a problem. Yes, even writing emails.

So I repeat, after a week you thought you'd complain? *? I'm feeling good that I got N's birthday parcel into the mail, probably in time to get there by N's birthday. N is you know, unlike you, under a decade old. I could give you dozens of further examples of written work and / or mailing that either I have managed to do recently or have not done yet and is in desperate need of being done... I could also give you a number of examples of how friends are much more forgiving and patient about things taking their time from me, even very young friends, under the age of 12, but what's the point?? You steadfastly don't understand, for all your intelligence, or you don't want to. You prefer to send along messages like "I don't see how it could hurt you / be too strenuous to send me this reply.... " Well it is too strenuous! There are far too many more important things to be dealt with that have been waiting far longer. But for you, it's all about ME ME ME. The significant children in my life - all under the age of 12 - show more patience and understanding than you. And what they especially don't do is shout out expectations about what I ought to be doing.

_______________________________________ End of letter

I know, I know when I write and then re-read this, I realise how enmeshed I still am. That I complain to M about her expecting things from me, though I'm still expecting things from her, like understanding or something.

And though my ranting and raving in /Recovery from CPTSD/ really doesn't sound too much like recovery, I think the best place for this is in my own Journal. So please bear with me. At least I am realising the odd thing. The fact that I was ranting earlier in my own head actually gave me the energy and impetus to wash the dishes and then have my shower and more particularly wash my hair (written at Achieved today).

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
Your letter is really great.  Well said on all accounts.  I completely relate to what you said about 'enmeshment' - it is a tough thing to deal with - how we still hope for the type of parenting that we didn't necessarily receive -  it is tough.
Well done for expressing yourself in your letter - really well written, and hope you found it helpful to write it.
Hope 

[Candid]

He is informing me that the brevity of my last email to my M - a short response to the question in her email to me - is distressing her. i.e. you are hurting your mother.

Oh, snap! After the devastating Most Horrible Event, my father rang me many times to tell me: "You've upset your mother." Infuriating.

I did - wisely or unwisely - reply to the email sending a copy to M and saying that in future the person with an issue should tell me directly not via someone else. 

This is good, Blueberry! A clear statement of what you prefer.

probably the reason for still having supposedly meaningful contact with my FOO is my enmeshment and the hope that they'll finally understand and change, which they won't.

Easy to say, isn't it? But Blueberry, don't be as hard on yourself as M was. You're a good, loving, normal person with all the good, loving and normal feelings about your FOO. I can't say I hate my mother, only that the choice was NC with her or kill myself. It was the hardest decision I've ever made, that anyone can ever make. The mother-child bond is the hardest of all to break.

the necessity to take responsibility for your own life and decisions now (not just expect FOO to do so for themselves) and stop acting like a victim...

You stood up for yourself to the flying monkeys. That's not behaving like a victim. The problem, I believe, is the shaky self-image we're left with. It goes like this: I have to get away from mother. But what if she's right about me? Never mind, I have to get away from her to start clearing my mind and finding out who I am. But what if...? There's nothing quite like standing up for ourselves in FOO to bring out a vicious inner critic!

in my FOO every 'mistake', every 'misjudgement' I made as a child was a disaster. It wasn't seen as a way to grow and change.

Yeah, me too. And the result of that was what I call instinct-injury, with plenty of whopping bad choices and self-defeating decisions to reflect on.  I know all about the shame of it. The worst thing is when we see our abusers' opinions reflected by the unrelated people in our lives now.

... your complaint was not about not knowing whether the post had arrived, it was about you feeling lonely or unappreciated or something. Essentially a guilt trip on me. I know that B1 and B2 don't always send you all the information you desire when you desire it, because you complain about it, but you expect it from me, the one who has suffered most under you.

And this is the pain of it, the knife to the heart. We do our very best to please Her, or at least not to inflame Her, and we get kicked in the teeth for it again, while siblings and flying monkeys get away with anything. Why do they get away with it? Because they're sure of our abusers' support, in fact they don't even have to think about it. They don't care. We do, because we still feel impotently outraged at the wounding we received and the monstrous unfairness of it all.

The fact that I was ranting earlier in my own head actually gave me the energy and impetus to ...

That's the way, Blueberry!  A good burst of harmless gets our 'frozen' feelings unstuck.

Lots of to you, my friend.

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope,
Thank you very much for your comments and validation of my feelings. Yes, the enmeshment is a hard thing to deal with.

I was NC with M for about 5 years, and although I told F I wasn't going NC with him, he then went VVVVLC with me. I did miss having a family though, missed my family despite all what had happened in my childhood and right up to when I went NC, when I was definitely no longer a child. Eventually when I felt stronger and better healed, I took up contact again, partly supported and helped by B1 and B2. Partly because NC didn't seem to be the answer then either. But I'm veering back that direction now. I've been very badly re-triggered twice, the first of these two times caused imho a retraumatisation, or at the very least about 3 weeks of the very worst dissociative state i have ever been in. And M and F actually witnessed the first few days of this.
I suppose that when I went NC before I was emotionally still very enmeshed so it didn't work so well, and of course I had quite a few flying monkeys to deal with and didn't know how to do this. And various "well-meaning" people criticising me on top of it all. And then B2, the only member of FOO I had any kind of real contact with, didn't like the whole contact with FOO hanging on him (tho I realise now that was his problem, but of course he didn't see it that way) and I didn't ever manage to tell him that I managed contact with him because he hadn't been a problem towards me in my childhood, unlike B1, F and M. Bit late now though since he accused me of the "ruining the family holiday" last summer. I'm ranting again, but I'm getting it out of my system.

Hope, when I read your posts, there are often things I can empathise with too. Your posts often do me good, even if I don't always comment.

[Blueberry]

Candid, thank you too for all your validation, and your disagreement with me  That's helpful too to hear that you don't think I'm behaving like a victim and that e.g. a clear statement of what I'd prefer is actually a good thing.

I understood here and maybe elsewhere that discussing and arguing isn't helpful, you just have to go NC and forget FOO. Though M and F have changed a little. There are sometimes glimpses of that, but way too insignificant and slow for me to imagine that it could ever be enough. Or sometimes I think they've progressed and then I get hit with some totally unexpected thing from a completely unexpected source about e.g. "ruining the family holiday".

I think sort of like you that my choice will be between NC and constantly being re-triggered and constantly under-achieving. If I want to reach some permanent stability and reach some goals, my goals, in life, then it's got to be NC or VVVVVVVLC.

You wrote so much! I will keep coming back to it to digest. I re-read my own Journal and comments anyway because it helps me.

[Blueberry]

So got a return email from F proving a) that he's enmeshed with and codependent on M and b) that he doesn't understand. What a surprise. Have decided after posting a few other replies on here, that I'm not answering, not at the moment anyway. Prefer to put the time and emotional energy into something constructive for me.

So that's good to notice too: reading other people's posts on here and replying to them is not just a way of avoiding dealing with my own problems, no sometimes it can help me deal in the subconscious with a question I have.

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

So I've just been re-reading most of my own Journal posts as well as responses. Thanks again everybody. It's helpful to read your responses again and again.

The employer I mentioned a while back, I turned him down today, after realising that the time i'd have to work is really bad for me. It's the morning after T, starting in the early morning. Often I'm so exhausted after T with all that stuff happening subconsciously that I'd never make it to work. Last week I didn't make it out of bed till my shift would've been over... And often at the moment I'm exhausted days later, almost until the next T appointment.

The employer was disappointed, he really needs people that one day a week. Then this kind of I-need-to-help-him gets going, maybe? Or is it my own desperation? - oh, look, here's somebody who'd give me a job without me going through a whole application process and proving myself on paper first. Which is something i can barely do. Writing is really difficult for me anyway in most situations. Situations in which my emotions scarper. Writing on here is a lot easier because I'm more in my emotions and less restricted by any intellectual whatevers. Or if I'm not really in my emotions, at least I don't have the feeling that I have to cut them out and/or ignore them, push them down.
Anyway job applications on paper - a disaster. In my country in this type of job, they fortunately don't require a whole application process. They just try you out for a few days. Would be very part time anyway.
So anyway I'm still not exactly sure whether it's a feeling of: I need to help this person. YES, that's certainly part of it. So watch it, I say to myself. Don't push yourself to do too much, or too much at once.

The other reason I'm interested is good - I've done this kind of work before and I liked it. Has nothing to do with my professional work.
The professional work I trained in - I decided after I finally got the last job done last week, that I'm not taking on jobs in it till I'm through trauma confrontation or trauma exposure or whatever you might say in English. A somewhat related branch of work that I'm self-taught in, I'll keep doing. I have to write in it a bit, but I hardly ever pull any hair out while I'm about it so that's a sign it doesn't stress me so much. But even of this I can only do so much per week.

The potential employer and I ended up agreeing that I might be able to work in odd weeks a reduced number of hours. Certain weeks in the year they need even more people than usual.

Other than that my energy and my feelings and thoughts are pretty tied up with setting small, very basic limits in FOO, and realising how overdue these limits are.      It's so hard   But I guess that's not so surprising when you end up doing it about 3 decades too late, 3 decades after adolescence. 

[Candid]

Then this kind of I-need-to-help-him gets going, maybe? Or is it my own desperation? - oh, look, here's somebody who'd give me a job without me going through a whole application process and proving myself on paper first.

The latter is a good start, specially if it's an understanding employer. I'd like some of that!

Anyway job applications on paper - a disaster.

I'm having the same problem. An employment counsellor had me send her my current CV, then sent it back with suggested improvements all over the place. And references! Where to get them? Thing is, without them I can't prove that ever I've worked at all...

I'm still not exactly sure whether it's a feeling of: I need to help this person. YES, that's certainly part of it. So watch it, I say to myself. Don't push yourself to do too much, or too much at once.

It's nice to be needed, though, isn't it? I always find it empowering to help someone out.

The other reason I'm interested is good - I've done this kind of work before and I liked it. Has nothing to do with my professional work.

Well, now I'm jealous. I can't think of anything I'd enjoy doing right now apart from writing here.

The potential employer and I ended up agreeing that I might be able to work in odd weeks a reduced number of hours. Certain weeks in the year they need even more people than usual.

Sounds to me like you're doing really well.

Other than that my energy and my feelings and thoughts are pretty tied up with setting small, very basic limits in FOO, and realising how overdue these limits are.      It's so hard   But I guess that's not so surprising when you end up doing it about 3 decades too late, 3 decades after adolescence. 

Ah, there it is. The FOO curse. The hurt that keeps on hurting. Best not to self-flagellate, my friend. 

[Blueberry]

I'm continuing my Journal, not sure about the "recovering" part.
I'm just so exhausted at the moment. I suppose it's just 'this stage in my healing journey'. Or maybe it's because I've been giving into my sugar craving today. Not pulling out any hair though as far as I can recall. This is good, hardly ever happens though.

[Candid]

It's hard work retraining our brains. Stay with it!