Blueberry's Journal

[Blueberry]

Thanks, Candid. I tend to forget very basic things I do know (e.g. hard work retraining/rewiring our brains).

Continuing my Journal....

I did some really hard work today in T. I made the move to talk about one result of the sexual abuse which I have a lot of trouble talking about. I'm not going to describe it here. The point is I find it really embarrassing and I'm ashamed, which is saying something since I find the whole topic of sex shameful and I'm not engaged in it. And then even worse talking to a male therapist about it. I've only done that before in written form, not face-to-face.

And the brilliant thing in addition is: I stayed in my body! 
Not only was there absolutely no numbing, but my posture stayed good - I didn't slump down in my chair, I could physically feel all parts of my body including sitting on the chair, which is often difficult. Even my feet stayed warm. Even when they don't go numb, they may feel cold. No, not this time! My head felt a little spaced out, I felt a bit giddy you might say, head and mind not quite 100% attached to rest of body, but I still felt my emotions and could find my words. What progress. 

The way my T reacted was really good, so that helped. But that's to do with my decision too. I noticed in my first session way back whenever that was (quite a while ago) that he would be an excellent T for me, and I was right. He's turned out that way. Non-judgemental and very understanding. Only asks questions he really genuinely needs in order to understand or questions which will help me further my understanding of myself if I'm ready to hear my own answer.

[Candid]

I stayed in my body! 

[Blueberry]

Seems as if I haven't written in my Journal for aaaaages, but it's like only 3 days. Today has been kind of a difficult day. I had intended to go to Good Friday service at church, which is in the afternoon so not that hard to get to but I remained in bed. I read and slept on and off all day, and had very weird dreams, though not really nightmares. I didn't finally get up until the early evening where I finally granted myself a cup of tea and milk, which I had wanted all day but had denied myself because Because I tend to deny myself very basic things when i'm in a bad way. Oh well, I say, I can go to Good Friday service next year, which is true, I can. On one level I seem to forgive myself for lying in bed most of the day. That's what I said when I spoke to a friend (also with C-PTSD) this evening. She can't forgive herself that kind of thing. So on one level I do seem to forgive myself or at least I realise that I probably needed that time lying in bed not having to do anything. I must do this, I ought to do that, I should do the other   are all triggering statements for me. But as I feel deeper down in my feelings (which is easier after reading other posts on here for a while), I notice I'm not really forgiving myself.

Also I'm feeling the  effect at the moment. There are so many things I ought to be doing (oops, that 'ought' word) and am not doing. And I 'ought' to be doing them because I have time with all the public holidays around Easter. Well today, I lay in bed looking at the sun shining outside and enjoyed seeing it and also felt quite OK about not going out into it, just enjoying from inside. So I still don'T know what it is exactly that I'm not forgiving myself for. So I'll accept that. The answer will come when I'm ready to realise it. At the moment it's too early I guess.

[Downsideup]

Hey Blueberry, I can relate to a lot of what you said about feeling the  It might feel like you're cheating yourself of productivity, but you taking time just to sit and recharge sounds almost like self comfort imo. Maybe in small doses this could even be healing, but not if you do it all day, of course. It's heartbreaking to hear that you're feeling so tied down in bed. It can be so hard to find the energy to get out, and thats ok. You're allowed to have days where you can't get up.

I also tend to deny myself food/basic comforts when feeling in a bad way, like you mentioned. It only succeeds in making me feel worse than before. What I do to combat this is by looking at my situation with an objective view, and eventually coming around to the idea that my body will only feel better if and when I take proper care of it. Whether that self-care comes in the simple act of getting out of bed to make a cup of tea, or in the form of self forgiveness, it will make a world of difference.

Enjoy that moment, it sounded like a nice one

[Blueberry]

Generally I'd go to Easter Saturday Night service at church but if I don't wash my hair and shower in the next 30 minutes (a long overdue activity anyway), I don't think I can really go. I remember back to an old piece of wisdom of mine: if the answer isn't definitely "yes", then the answer is "no". And then of course there is the I ought to / should / must / had better / it would do me some good if I did.... etc etc are not really my words and feelings. They are FOO words. They just tend to make me rebell. And sometimes they send me into a tailspin or if I really push myself way over my own limit I've been known to go semi-crazy and start screaming. So really it would be better to permit myself to do whatever I want including going back to bed where it's warm and reading a book. That's really the thing: what do I want to do?

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
Whatever you are doing, I hope it is things you want to do.  Wishing you a good weekend, and hope it's going ok.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Hope. At least I haven't been doing much of what i don't want to do. That's something.

Except in my dreams which were full of FOO. But then it was good to wake up and realise: those were just dreams. In reality FOO is far away and accepting the limits I've set, at least for the most part. I guess that has been a worry - that some member of FOO would try and phone. But they haven't, and I don't think they will.

And although Easter was never such a big celebration in my family as Christmas, I still imagine there might be some expectation that I'd at least email and say Happy Easter. And I also had some expectation of myself that I'd *finally* thank my parents for what they sent in the last little while. That somehow that should be taken care of before Easter. Though that's just a hunk of junk. It can be taken care of when I'm far enough along to do so without endangering myself emotionally in this messy family set of emotions or lack thereof.

On of my pets is ill, not really badly ill, but a bit of a skin problem. What with public holidays and various commitments on Tues and Wed, I won't be able to take her to the vet's till Thursday. When my pets are ill, I might become very active or I might feel the  effect and really struggle to look after them correctly. Or sort of in-between: go to the vet's, follow the instructions, but get really exhausted while doing it and hardly able to look after myself. It's just as well that I don't have children of my own. I tend to feel guilty and/or overwhelmed when my pets are ill, and that doesn't exactly help anything.

I've been lying around reading lots of books I already know - that's my comfort reading. When I realised - hey, this isn't C-PTSD per se, this is depression, I tried reading some Holocaust literature including Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" since that sometimes catapults me out of where I am back into being active in real life. But if it's not the right time for it, it doesn't work either. It seemed not to be the right time...

At least I'm feeling in a better mood then a few hours ago. Had I written then in here, I would've written something along the lines of "I'm grumpy and triggered. Leave me alone." I had wanted to show that things are sometimes that bad, that I'm not always mostly reasonable and sensible and in my Adult, and I hope that even when I say things as they are: 'grumpy and triggered' I'm still welcome on here. Nobody has to save me, I just let some time go by and maybe I do something that helps me. (I have phoned a couple of friends IRL and did a bit for my pets and then did some cleaning - on Easter Sunday, lol).

[Blueberry]

In my FOO, they are concerned with me not hurting M, or M is concerned with my not hurting sibs (by setting boundaries - that's the biggie, I'm not allowed to say No, I'm not allowed to set boundaries, but others are  ) but nobody seems concerned with me being hurt. Oh well, Blueberry is crying again, what do you expect? Blueberry always cried too much. And somehow the last time this happened with this big blow-out in the summer, they didn't feel the anguish, the utter devastation I was going through. Don't cry, Blueberry, you're just upsetting yourself.  (Or being upset by you lot, maybe??)

That just occurred to me in some other context. I wrote it there and moved it here, where it belongs.

[Candid]

Blueberry, if you're NC (or any variant of C) with your parents it's probably best not to thank them for any cards or gifts you've had from them. That just lets them know they can get a response from you any time they like. I know how hard it is not to do the polite thing but sooner or later it gets too much to be reeled in on special occasions. We start to dread our own birthdays.

I'm sorry to hear you have a sick pet. I know how important they are when FOO fails.

Frankl's book had that effect on me, as well. Lots in there about not giving up, and about the freedom that can't be taken from us: to choose our way in any circumstances.

I hope that even when I say things as they are: 'grumpy and triggered' I'm still welcome on here.

Of course you are! I've woken up pretty grumpy myself this morning. I gave myself permission not to have a shower and will get through the day somehow. So will you. 

[Blueberry]

Candid, thanks for the encouragement about taking things at my own pace as regards contact to M and F. And not thanking them because that's what they expect. So they'll just have to get used to that not happening. Arrgh. It's hard, going through this whole withdrawing oneself from FOO, but remaining in FOO going along with all their expectations was not the answer either, putting it mildly.
Without feeling too much into the emotions, I try and remind myself of the utter anguish and devastation I went through last summer when I heard via B1 what B2 thinks of me, that B2 had never told me. And even if it isn't all true (B1 does have a history of adding his own spin), some of it is. Add to that the anguish of realising, really realising at a deep-down level of my emotions, how no one in FOO is willing to go out on a limb to help me stay in the family, stay on at the family celebrations, though they expect me to do it for M... The only one who asked if I couldn't somehow stay was SIL1 (my nephews and nieces weren't given the chance) I have to remember this anguish, to not allow myself to be reeled in again. Some members of FOO don't care, some just don't get it, they're not in contact with their own emotions enough to really understand, I think anyway that might be the problem. But it's not my job to get them in contact with their own emotions, or preserve them from their own emotions.

Oh by the way I hadn't seen most members of FOO for four years, just F I had seen more recently.

There's no kind of answer except just keep on going and trying to take the best care of me I can, which I haven't been doing too much of over Easter. I could do with some    My pets are too small to do this. Maybe monkeys and koala bears could do that, but private zoos aren't allowed in my town.

[Candid]

no one in FOO is willing to go out on a limb to help me stay in the family, stay on at the family celebrations, though they expect me to do it for M...  [...] Some members of FOO don't care, some just don't get it

I know. It's the same for me.

There's no kind of answer except just keep on going and trying to take the best care of me I can, which I haven't been doing too much of over Easter. I could do with some   

That too. I'm at a low ebb but will keep going. It is, as you say, "no kind of answer" but it isn't like we chose this. We had no choice.

Can only send you  through cyberspace.

[Hope66]

Sorry to hear one of your pets is ill, Blueberry, and hope they will recover soon.   

[Blueberry]

Thanks Hope, she's doing better already with the medicine I had at home. I didn't even have to take her to the vet's.  Because vet trips cost money and time and hassle. Of course I take my pets if I need to, but if I can cure the problem at home with own knowledge and experience, all the better.

[Blueberry]

So I wrote the first of my FOO letters under Recovery Letters and have noticed some progress today already. Just now I finally wrote an email to one of the clients I was having trouble writing to yesterday. The one who is always pushing the limits I set her. She owes me a penalty fee for her late payment, and I requested this, no qualms and no self-destructive behaviour or self-haranguing thoughts. I was teaching her daughter this afternoon and I was much more 'daring' with the daughter too. Your mother has to tell me this and this by tomorrow! You have to work out whether it is more important for you to come for extra lessons before your super-important final exam during the time slots I can give you or whether it's more important to do a myriad of other activities you've been listing (there's nothing like finding excuses for not coming to extra lessons - not that I added this bit in so many words)! It's fine by me if you don't come, but I need to know before Monday!

I, Blueberry, am unashamedly setting limits, in an area where there is no reason for me to be ashamed, except all what I learned from FOO! This is not the first time I've had difficult clients and the past few days have not been the first time I've had a lot of trouble standing up for myself and/or being completely incapable of it. The sign for/proof of this inability is me not being able to stop doing something which the forum rules do not permit me to write about in regular threads (with good reason).

I also got on with various jobs I was incapable of doing yesterday, like washing dishes. If I can't even settle down to do the dishes or don't have the stamina / concentration to finish them, life is bad. ie bad sign. That's the way it was yesterday. Normally washing dishes is grounding and makes me happy because the visual improvement in the kitchen is immediate and great.

And I started using up food leftovers (in fridge and in packets) instead of using 'new' food. This is good because 1) it's been on my medium-term To Do list for a while and 2)  it's obviously more efficient and cheaper for me to use what I immediately have available than keep leaning further and further out gathering supplies from further afield. Which seems to be a habit of mine despite not really having the money to do this. So instead of using some form of mental blunt force to, well, force myself into white-knuckled abstinence, thereby causing myself to expend even more energy and eventually causing the  effect, which leads back into addiction  and big problems emotionally     (as you can see from the number of different emoticons).

[Candid]

Glad you're feeling more organised and getting things done today, Blueberry!