Blueberry's Journal

[Blueberry]

Something I've learned the hard way is that abuse sets us up for more abuse.   As long as we are being victimised we can never heal. 

... It will likely be a tough transition, getting away, finding safety and safe people, finding your place in the world.  The biggest step is moving out of the certainty of misery into the chaos of uncertainty.  ...

Quote from Radical from another thread. Didn't want to hijack there. Made me realise how essential it is for me to keep to my VLC with FOO. You have to remove yourself from your abusers. Otherwise I won't heal. If you can manage to protect yourself with Medium Chill / Grey Rock, then you can do that. But if you can't, then change has to be more radical.  And now I'm in the chaos of uncertainty.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with the idea that we can't heal if we're still in the middle of abuse.  i have no doubt that you'll find your way through and out of the chaos of uncertainty in due time.  it's new and weird at first, but i have faith you'll be able to sort it out for yourself.  big hug, blueberry.

[Candid]

Blueberry... take me with you!!!!

That place you're going to sounds like just what you need to raise your spirits.

Agree with sanmagic7, the uncertainty will clear. Look after Number One!

[Blueberry]

Candid:
"It's great to see you back, Blueberry, but I'm sorry to hear the retreat didn't 'take'.  Did you learn any useful strategies? What worked for you there, and can you continue now?"

Kizzie:
       
Re: week's holiday
« Reply #8 on: August 10, 2017, 09:15:35 AM »
"Yes, welcome back Blueberry. 

Sorry to hear you are depressed    Do you think it is because you realized at the yoga seminar just how exhausted you are? "

Thanks for the "Welcome backs"!

It's more the realisations that I made while I was there. For instance, one of my pets died while I was there, not completely unexpectedly. I suddenly realised that it's time to expend my time and energy on looking after me, not on them! If somebody had recommended to me the week before my retreat that I send my pets back to the Humane Society they came from, I would have looked at them as if they were crazy. But suddenly this idea was there. I've been home a week now and haven't acted on it though. I think not acting on it is giving me depression. I'm certainly not looking after me atm either.

Little did I realise that not wanting my pets anymore might become a result of trauma therapy. Logically, I think after about 20 years of looking after these pets and others, it's maybe time I took a break, but haven't quite managed yet.

Also I can't feel that I love my pets or anybody else for that matter atm. This makes me feel worried. I don't even feel that I love my little godson, though his M, a very good friend of mine, assumes I do. Of course I like him! But would I jump into a lake to rescue him kind of love? I don't know. Probably actually, yes. But I can't feel it.

It's another period of uncertainty, from which I will emerge some time again.

Also since I came home I've read most of Karyl McBride's book on narcisstic mothers and came out self-blaming. Thinking: I've done so much T over the years, it's time I got my act together. Especially in comparison to M, who has done a little, but nothing like the amount I've done. Also something that sticks in my mind is K.M's thought that most mothers didn't really mean what they did. Well, mine did. She positively likes hurting other people, whether by words or any other means.

[Blueberry]

Candid:
"It's great to see you back, Blueberry, but I'm sorry to hear the retreat didn't 'take'.  Did you learn any useful strategies? What worked for you there, and can you continue now?"

What worked there? Being away from home in a clean, fresh, tidy and colourful environment. Exercise (yoga) daily, singing daily (mantra chanting). I have CDs I could chant to, I have CDs I could do yoga too, in fact I am well-enough versed to do quite a few yoga poses without any instructions.

I could continue now, but I'm not. I'm not sure why not, except what all I wrote in the previous post in here. Well, I finally listened to some other music while I was washing the dishes. So I washed the dishes too! And washed some windows and some other pesky things I don't wash that often. So at least I've sort of got going again.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
Welcome back.  I hope you are having a reasonable weekend so far, and I just wanted to say that I am happy you're back. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope, Thank you. I wouldn't say I'm having a reasonable weekend. But I could be if I wanted to be having one.

On another topic: I've been on this forum 6 months to the day. Despite everything I've been feeling in the past couple of days, I have made progress. OTOH there are always going to be difficulties I guess e.g. with bothering myself to shower and wash my hair or even get up.

[Candid]

I get it. A holiday's great... until we go back to Real Life. Well done to doing all those pesky things, and to music, too!

How do you feel when you consider giving up your pets? I'm sure you love them, AND your godson. Depression always means we're not feeling the love for ourselves, so it's only to be expected that all our other positive feelings get numbed at the same time.

[Blueberry]

At giving up my pets, I actually feel relief and a bit of guilt. A friend with CPTSD worried today when I mentioned it, that I might not get up at all any more if I gave up my pets. That is possible, except for when working. But even when working when I get really depressive, I end up jeopardising my own work. Doesn't bode too well if you deal with clients and haven't showered in days etc.  or stayed up all night and are so tired you can hardly think. I can be really self-destructive. That I developed in my childhood. Not being allowed to display anger outwards or punish those who were mean to me, I turned it on myself.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

my d was going to give me a plant for my new home here, and i told her i didn't want one.  didn't have the energy to take care of it.  maybe someday, but not now.  now is for me, no matter what form that takes.   

if you felt relief at giving your pets up, my guess is that you made the right decision.  those feelings of love may be there someday, too, but you deserve to learn how it feels to love you as well.  and congrats on 6 mos. of recovery.  you said that you can see progress.  that counts.  the rest will come.

i don't think we can put a time limit on how our therapy is supposed to work for us, or how fast.  yes, if you really don't think it's been helping you, you might want to talk to your t about it.  however, if you have noticed progress, then i believe that something is working.  baby steps, and who's to say how long is the road that each of us is on.

but, ugh! to comparisons!!!  the last time i talked to my narc ex, who has seen more therapists than i have, has spent more actual time in therapy, when i asked him about something re: his therapy, he actually bragged to me about what a great liar he is!  so much for comparisons.  all that time and money, and he was never getting to actually work on his issues cuz he was lying the whole time.  he thought he was pretty smart at putting one over on his current t, too.  very smug about it.

you, my dear, are doing what you need to do.  it's slower/faster for some than for others.   all credit to you for putting that one foot in front of the other.  you're getting there.  big hug

[Candid]

Please guard your sleep, Blueberry. You can't expect to function when you're sleep-deprived. It's widely known as the most effective form of torture.

My sleep tips:
Natural daylight (ie. go outside) as early as possible in the morning; apparently this keeps the melatonin in line
No coffee after noon
Internet cut-off  before the evening meal
Satisfying evening meal
Start winding down an hour before bedtime. Yoga and a tub are both good.

[Blueberry]

san, I haven't actually given up my pets yet. In fact it's nice weather and I'm going to take them out afterwards. Just the idea of not being responsible for them any more brings relief. For years, I kept going because of my pets. That's shifting now I think. Shifts in thinking are good, but a little frightening. I said to myself I'd keep my pets till end of August, and then see.

I have made a lot of progress! My t has definitely been helping me, but at the end of it all, or even before the end  it's up to me to get my own act together and, well, act. Sleep at night, get out of bed in the morning, do things that are good for me. Nobody can do that for me. And if anybody tried to force me, part of me would rebel. I know that. That's why it has to come from me.

[Blueberry]

Please guard your sleep, Blueberry. You can't expect to function when you're sleep-deprived. It's widely known as the most effective form of torture.

My sleep tips:
Natural daylight (ie. go outside) as early as possible in the morning; apparently this keeps the melatonin in line
No coffee after noon
Internet cut-off  before the evening meal
Satisfying evening meal
Start winding down an hour before bedtime. Yoga and a tub are both good.

Well, I had a go in the tub yesterday... Feeling clean is certainly helpful.

[sanmagic7]

good for you, blueberry!  i also like your attitude about what to do with your pets (sorry, i guess i misunderstood).  i think it's healthy. 

i agree about the shifts.  shifts in attitude, perspective, perception, thought processes - they can all be helpful, but yes, definitely on your own timeline in your own way.  don't want to push you into that rebellion state.  that usually isn't the best for anyone.  i think you're doing just fine in the progress you're making.   big hug, my dear.

[Blueberry]

Just wanted to write about an incident an hour or so ago. Probably not too triggering for anybody else, but who knows.

I came home and saw that other people from the neighbouring house (we don't know each other) we're having a small get-together in the garden, to which they legitimately have access, and they were using my table and chairs and there was something biggish lying across one of my flower/herb/berry beds. Also my washing line was covered in some one else's washing. I know (think I know) that this situation would be fine for most people.  It's mildly triggering for me.             

Most people in my experience, even bystanders, will say something along the lines of: "But you weren't using your table and chairs at that moment, the people weren't doing any harm. Can't you share with other people??" Yes, I can share actually!! But I like to be asked in advance i.e. "Can I use your washing line when you're not using it?" My only stipulation there is: "Go ahead, but please leave me a bit of space too." The person doesn't then need to scrape and bow and ask every time, that's not what I want or need, but I want to be able to state my conditions. As I write this B1 is in my head. I remember he came into my bedroom to take something, I cried and got hit by Parent. All I wanted was for B1 to say "Please" and not take it for granted, and maybe not barge into my room. The object in question I would have lent, no question. I tended to cry, which drove FOO adults up the wall, because I often couldn't express verbally what I wanted and/or my emotions were very upfront and they still came out at that age.

So I want to be able to state my conditions and I imagine also show that I actually have boundaries, people can't just barge in and take what they want.

I went out and spoke to these neighbours today. I didn't say "Hey! What are you doing with my garden furniture?!?" but I thought afterwards that somebody without my triggers might have said "Hi! Nice day!" and introduced themselves. Which wasn't quite what I did either. My reaction was in between. Today I accepted that I can't pretend everything is fine and "be normal".  I need to figure out the lay of the land first, in order to feel safe! And that's OK. I need this. What I need is important. I've had nightmares on and off for a good number of years about neighbours digging up my garden, uprooting my apple trees (I don't actually have any, but I did in the dream), planting their own things in my space, or the old landlord covering the whole garden in concrete. It was always so sudden: (in my dream) I looked out the window or came into the garden and discovered how everything had changed (been destroyed, basically). Nobody had told me in advance never mind asked if I minded. I would have minded most of these changes, so that's why they wouldn't have asked.

That particular example with B1 was only once, I think, but it has obviously left a pretty strong mark on my soul. Him barging into my room (e.g. to hit me) or into me and just ignoring or overriding my boundaries happened pretty often though.

I suffered a lot under M in my childhood and later, but one thing we did have in common was this thing about my space / my boundaries, except that M didn't accept my space, my boundaries, just she had a need for her space / her boundaries to not be overridden. F and B1 (who was just a kid himself compared to M) always argued M down or made jokes about how when M was away, neighbour kids would come and sit on our property (though they could have sat on their own). Some of this is I think a North American / European divide, with M and I reacting like people in (some) European nations, but undoubtedly exacerbated by childhood history, M's and mine. There was no room for a difference of opinion or compromise in FOO. Except of course B1 made sure I didn't use his things at all (with or without asking). As for M's childhood, I do have some idea of what went on, even though wasn't exactly the same as what was done to me.

This topic was triggered a bit recently when a magpie managed to get into my apartment and was hopping around causing a bit of chaos and having me worried and so on. I realised: appearance of magpie triggered memories, including 'feel' memories of B coming barging into my room.

I know (or think I know) that the original situation at the top of the post would be fine for most people, because F and B1 represent "most people" at least that's the way they put it across. M and her actions were considered crazy in these types of situations and that was it! No looking into why that might be or even accepting that different people see things differently. My feelings of empathy towards M are pretty limited because this is the way she treated me too. But what this situation does remind me of is how last time I had FOO contact, with the whole lot of them, it became clear to me that in B1 and B2's estimation, they are both as innocent as the day they were born with regards to modern-day FOO problems, F is pretty innocent (except that he could maybe put M in her place a little more often). But the real problematic one is Blueberry of course, and if it isn't her for some reason, then it's M. Men-folk in FOO - all innocent! Nothing whatsoever to do with any dysfunction. Nor do the SILs play any kind of role (according to B1 and B2, but also if you look at behaviour in FOO. It was clear last year that I was the one who had to clear out, there was no point discussing anything with SIL2 according to B1 (she's not going to change for you - understood).  SIL2 "gets on with people really well! A natural talent! So if she can't get on with somebody, then obviously the other person is at fault." Like Blueberry with her "mental health issues" (as SIL2 kept slipping into the conversation with other people and with me last time I saw all of FOO). B1 and SIL2 would be the first to criticise me openly for the little incident in the garden, whereas I discovered last summer that B2 might try to say something a bit more tactful to me, but behind my back: condemnation and criticism.

Kudos to anybody who managed to read this far 
It's really helpful for me to form my thoughts adn write them out. Helps me understand things about myself.