Blueberry's Journal

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
Thinking of you today, and hope that you're ok.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much Hope. 

My pets got collected 5 hours ago. I couldn't help    just before they were driven away. I told the woman from the Rescue Society how hard it was for me to realise I couldn't look after them and myself properly atm and how hard this realisation is, but that I'm very grateful to her that my pets are in good hands now, better than my own atm. It's this realisation that keeps making the tears come. I just sat with that for a while. And then did a few rounds of EFT on accepting, loving and forgiving myself despite that realisation. Forgiving myself - way to go!  That's the first time I had an impulse to add that to EFT.

When I first started learning EFT with my T, I couldn't even say 'love', the only word I could use was 'accept'. Now all three words. My pets certainly have ways of showing me my steps in healing. Thanks, my little pets.

[Blueberry]

On a completely different topic:

"Don't take things too personally" was some advice I got this morning, when I attempted to clear up a problem I had on Thursday with today's advice-giver.

This morning I set a boundary. I said "Do not tell me whether or not to take things personally!" She explained that what she had meant was that now that we had cleared up the problem from Thursday, I didn't need to feel hurt any more. OK, I can leave that with her, but I know for myself that that is not what she said! Possibly she felt criticised and decided to turn that back on me with a spot of advice? Though actually I hadn't criticised her directly up till that point, I'd just tried to get to the bottom of why mysuggestion on Thursday was profoundly ignored and that she especially was looking for different suggestions without even acknowledging mine!

Me, I think it's better to try and clear up this type of problem than have it continuing on for days in my mind and possibly weeks in this group she and I are both in.

And this is the first time I've ever told somebody in a non-therapy setting where to take their "don't take it personally" / you take (everything) too personally." I have noticed that these remarks tend to come when the other person is incapable of seeing that their behaviour could be hurtful, or annoying. I don't actually know if somebody has ever said that to me in a therapy setting. It's possible, and I have been in types of therapy where you are definitely encouraged to clear up these types of problems with fellow patients, often with a therapist or two mediating. So it's a big step to do it in a non-therapy setting. So I've tackled the "don't take it personally" topic now!

On Thursday, I kind of grumbled while being ignored / not aknowledged. I felt annoyed and 'passed over' but couldn't yet figure out exactly what was wrong so didn't feel able to say much. And anyway, it's even worse in a group. Because everybody has their own interpretation on the situation and/or doesn't want a discussion / argument. But I am sick of swallowing things so as not to make a fuss.

[sanmagic7]

first,  for you and your pets.  you'll get back to a place eventually where you can take on the added responsibility if you want.

second, good for you for setting a boundary.  go with your gut.  too many times those attempts to smooth things over  - 'i didn't mean it that way' - are an attempt to assuage the guilt of being caught.  i know that one from experience.  you did good, honey.  big hug.

[Blueberry]

first,  for you and your pets.  you'll get back to a place eventually where you can take on the added responsibility if you want.

Thank you  and thank you for believing in me, that sometime I'll be able to take on the responsibility of pets again. so I guess that really means thank you for believing that healing in that area will come eventually.

second, good for you for setting a boundary.  go with your gut.  too many times those attempts to smooth things over  - 'i didn't mean it that way' - are an attempt to assuage the guilt of being caught.  i know that one from experience.  you did good, honey.  big hug.

Thanks also for validation here and putting it into words for me "attempt to assuage the guilt of being caught". Yeah that.
I decided a couple of hours ago that a little later I may do a round of EFT on something like "Even if this person didn't completely understand, I still love and accept myself, oh, and forgive myself [just popped into my head automatically], for setting her a boundary".

Forgiving myself seems to be a new step in my healing process. Not till after I do EFT on this will I feel exactly what I'm forgiving myself for in this case. Possibly just 'existing' and speaking up. It's certainly really good to feel self-forgiveness, even if boundary-setting is not something you'd normally have to forgive yourself for. It's so good for me because self-forgiveness is the total opposite to self-harm. I tend to self-harm after speaking up about this kind of thing. I'm not doing that today. 

Thanks so much, san! See, I reply to your comment and I make a whole lot more progress. OOTS is a brilliant place of healing, despite the hardship most (all?) of us face IRL most of the time.  for and to OOTS!

[Blueberry]

 A few hours ago it suddenly occurred to me: now that I don't have pets to look after, I can make sure I do more sport and lose some weight / reduce my girth. So I'm just writing that to myself here to remind myself that losing weight though healthy enough in itself is not one of my goals atm, nor a priority at all. Not even any of my docs/T think that.

No, the new time I have instead of pet care is for emotional healing and some basic physical self-care. As I've written in other posts, I often feel really exhausted doing even simple things like brushing my hair, showering, washing my hair or putting on skin cream. All of that needs being done / done more often. And they are way more easy than losing weight. Heck, I haven't even managed to work in trauma T on what is behind my over-eating or do a round of Screen Processing on it. The only thing I myself as well as 2 docs and 1 T know is that me having allowed myself to gain weight seems to have been healing emotionally. I've accepted my body, my physical self far better than I ever did when I was thin.

[Candid]

I told H yesterday afternoon that my friend Blueberry was becoming a 'relinquishing mother'.  He was sad for you too, and obviously he knows how I felt about 'losing' mine.  I was sending you strength because I knew it was about that time.

This isn't a time for "stay strong", it's about you being very kind to you.  That means :sternvoice: letting the business and the housework go for at least a day.  Let those little Blueberries do... whatever they want to do.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Candid and your husband too for your sympathy / empathy. And to you for sending strength.

Actually my Little Blueberries haven't make themselves known much, except maybe through unusual physical tweaks and twangs (?). And when I praised internally for not *** Ewww, Gross Warning *** wetting the bed. Yes, I Blueberry have bladder incontinence for no physical reason - that's been checked. When things are too much in general or when there's a need to expunge something from myself - out with it now! - out the liquid comes.
This early AM I dreamt that that happened (which usually means it has happened) but when I woke up it hadn't. So I praised the Little Blueberry who was around. It hadn't been her but she's going to pass the praise on. So I guess that means she's not the one with incontinence problem, even though she's pretty young. Nod, nod. She's agreeing, it's not her.

I did kind things to and for myself yesterday but in a big whoosh all sorts of things are coming up internally and making changes. I have in fact just done a load of housework, but it really felt good! I wanted to start it. I was listening to music and singing along while I worked too. I don't always manage to do that for whatever reason. And now I'm taking a break. I realised I needed one and since I haven't spoken any meaningful words to anybody today, I decided I'd at least come and communicate here. A reply will come in some form, it always does. Later I will probably phone somebody IRL too.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
I'm glad you had a day where you did that housework - and that it felt good to get that done.  Great that you listened to music and sang along while you worked.  You sound in harmony today.
I wanted to thank you so much for the very meaningful words you said in reply to my post - you validated my experiences so much.  I read what you said earlier, and I haven't replied there yet, as I want to process things a bit more, but I wanted to come across to say 'thank you' in your Journal - because I really appreciate your support and validation.  You truely 'get it' and that is incredible for me.
I have been thinking about the fact you have had a lot on to cope with this weekend, and (sorry - I am avoiding saying any words with connotations of endings/'Goodbyes') - yay, I wrote the words - I find it very emotional to talk of any 'goodbyes' or endings - and I felt empathy to you for the fact you gave your animals back - it must have been very hard to do that. 
I am glad that you have done some kind things to and for yourself yesterday - and accomplished things today.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, if it's my place, may i say i'm so very proud of you.  what a wonderful thing you've done for yourself, these realizations.  after a very difficult action, placing your pets where they need to be for now, you also gave yourself some beautiful gifts.

i know the one about feeling exhausted after doing the most menial things at times.  they surely don't seem menial while getting up the energy to do them.  yet, i'm finding myself gradually getting a bit more energy here and there that wasn't available before.  not always, but it spits and spurts.   i choose to believe it's coming about because of releasing the tension i've been carrying around, releasing the stress that i've been holding in my body for ages and ages.  it takes a lot of energy to keep holding onto that stuff.

slowly, step by step, blueberry, we will find our way.  walking beside you with this.  big hug.

[Candid]

I praised the Little Blueberry who was around. It hadn't been her but she's going to pass the praise on. So I guess that means she's not the one with incontinence problem, even though she's pretty young. Nod, nod. She's agreeing, it's not her.

You have much clearer IC access than I do!! 

It really sounds as though the tide has turned.  Well done! 

We love you here, you know.

[Three Roses]

  for all the Blueberries, large and small, seen and unseen.

[Blueberry]

Dear San, Candid and ThreeRoses,
Just want to say how much your posts above move me! I'm very tired and not capable of forming more thoughts.

[Blueberry]

I've been clearing up some paraphernalia belonging to the pets and cleaning out their humungous home for the last time. I'm surprised at how sad that makes me feel. I haven't been sad about giving my pets up for seemingly quite a while though at most actually two days (my feeling for time is somewhat warped atm and in fact often).

Of course the fact that I haven't cleared the stuff up till now tells me something about how hard it is anyway, or if not exactly hard then that there's still something I'm hanging on to. Something left to process. I'm not sure yet what it is. It seems to have more to do with me than with the pets themselves. In fact I've only cleaned out the bottom level of their home, not the top. I can't do the top yet. I'm leaving myself the time I need.

[Candid]

Plenty of time, sweet Blueberry.