Blueberry's Journal

[Blueberry]

My little visitor is in bed asleep so thought I'd come on here and write briefly.

This morning through carelessness I ended up having to spend quite a bit more money than I'd intended on something important. I thought I was going to have to tap at least three topics through with EFT but it only ended up being one, and surprisingly enough, nothing to do with the money. I only needed to tap through accepting and loving myself for being disorganised. As with last time, I tapped through in my imagination (so that the people round about me didn't look at me as if I was crazy), and it worked.

I notice that with my godson I'm much more relaxed than how I was last time. I'm much less of a helicopter parent (well, godmother). That hasn't come through working on the topic, because I hadn't even thought of it as being a topic to work on. The change has just come about through working on trauma topics in trauma therapy.   

[Candid]

  to acknowledging positive changes!

[Blueberry]

My little visitor is once again in bed. We've decided that he'll stay an extra day, so I'll take him home on Sunday instead of Saturday. I'm pretty tired, but that has a lot to do with me, not with him. He's actually really pretty easy for his age, but since on quite a number of days I can hardly get my own act together, having an extra person around who still needs some 'looking after' is an added difficulty. But OTOH having a child here means I have to take care of myself to take care of him: 3 meals a day, getting out of bed, drinking enough water, even going to bed at a reasonable time.

And we are having lots of fun.

Today, quite a bit earlier as in before noon, I felt ready for a nap, and had to figure out another way of re-energising. I listened to some particularly helpful music and sang to it while washing the dishes, and my little visitor worked with his colouring book.  It worked. The sleepiness disappeared. It had possibly been more EF-ish than anything else.

[Three Roses]

  Yay, you!

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm really glad you're taking care of yourself, Blueberry. And it's good you're having fun. Hope it lasts!

[Candid]

having a child here means I have to take care of myself to take care of him: 3 meals a day, getting out of bed, drinking enough water, even going to bed at a reasonable time.

When he goes back, do you think you can go on treating yourself as you treat him?

Now that you're living alone you can focus more on caring for your Little Blueberries.  I'm glad they have an outside playmate to stay awhile.

[Blueberry]

I think just trying to talk to him or guide him differently when he does something slightly dangerous or just something I don't want him to do e.g. wipe jam-covered fingers on the upholstery is having a healing effect on Little Blueberries. Because instead of sighing loudly or shouting or telling him how stupid he is or how in the way he is, I tell him in a normal tone of voice and then maybe second or third time around explain, and then praise when he does as I asked.

Also I've explained to him that I'm not good at multi-tasking (not in so many words). But I'm sure both his parents can look up a bus time table and answer his questions on a completely different topic at the same time even though they're tired and their feet ache. Well I can't, but instead of trying to demonstrate that it was his fault or exploding, I gave a really brief explanation of 'I cannot do this' and then told him when I was finished with the bus timetable so he could ask questions.

With my M, one really bad thing was that she was unpredictable.
Mild TW!!!
Of course I realise now that's even more reason to prove that her yelling and remonstrations and "you stupid child" / "you're in the way" / Shove! had nothing to do with me. But how could I have known at 7? End TW!!

I was also remembering how my M expected me to automatically know what her next move would be.
Trigger W!arning! So if I was standing with my back to her and she wanted to be where I was, she'd just shove me out of the way instead of asking me to move.    End TW!! How could I possibly have known when I couldn't even see any of her body language. In my early 20's I was still asking people round about me if I was "in the way". Now, about 20 years later, I realise how strange that must've seemed to people.

Candid, when I'm with my godson and/or his 2 siblings, my Little Blueberries make themselves scarce. I think this is because my Adult really has to be present. I can't have a 4-year old and a 6-year old looking after a real-life 7 year old. Also I used to have to make deals with certain Little Blueberries: this weekend godson, when I get home again it's your turn.

It'll be easier for me to treat my Little Blueberries / myself better after I've taken my godson home, which is Sunday. Then I'll come home myself on Monday. I mean it'll be easier because of treating him and in certain ways myself better the past couple of days.

Another thing I notice is more interest in my surroundings / the natural world. My godson has lots of questions to which I don't always know the answers. That sparks my interest too to find out more. So more impetus to get out of bed.

I am however really tired after these few days!

[AphoticAtramentous]

I think you're doing a really good job in looking after your godson, Blueberry.
Being able to gently tell him what is wrong and right, and just being honest with him - telling him when you can't do something, instead of just saying something like 'go away'. lol
I applaud you. ^-^
I bet you're tired though, lol, people that age really suck the energy out of you.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're doing a great job, blueberry, both with your godson and with yourself.  congrats!   

yeah, those little cuties can be draining, but it seems like you're doing a stand-up job of dealing with it.

it also sounds as if your tapping is becoming more efficient for you.  that's great!  keep up the good work.  big hug.

[Candid]

All good stuff here, Blueberry!

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for your validation and encouragement, Candid, san, ThreeRoses and Atrophic!

[Blueberry]

Wow! So much seems to be finally coming together in therapy, a bit like the puzzle pieces are fitting together as I understand more and more. Also in a session like today's we can work on several different topics in one 50-minute session, and at least one of these will go deep. This used not to be the case. I'm so, so glad that I got those additional 20 sessions.

I'm on to the subject of self-forgiveness. This is huge for me because I grew up in a family with a mother, who did not believe in forgiving, and with an emotionally pretty absent father who generally wouldn't stand up to M to protect us children and of those occasions when he did, it was most rarely for me, the convenient family SG.  Yeah, you read right, M didn't believe in forgiving other people. Not that she could see it was inherently a good idea but she couldn't do it. No, she thought of herself as a Christian (still does in fact) but doesn't believe in or agree with this part of Christianity. 

I was able to realise today in T with my feelings what it was like for the Little Blueberries and I felt very sad about that little girl who tried so hard to be who and how M and F wanted her to be, but e.g. couldn't stop crying. They wanted perfection, expected perfection. Crying was absolutely imperfect. i endured punishments and ridicule from M and F, and ridicule from B1, egged on by M and F and their behaviour towards me. My T showed me in body language what happens to small children who endure this type of upbringing and he had it down to a 'T'. That was me, crouched down, shoulders up, head moving from side to side as I looked first this way and then that to see what might be coming my way or how M, F and B1's body language was so I could judge the mood, as a sort of warning system. Basically, it was so hard-going, so strenuous that I didn't want to exist. And all hunched down the way i was, I couldn't develop properly. In later years I got flak for that too from M and B1 because I deprived them of the pleasure of watching me grow up. I didn't owe them that pleasure. Look what they did to me!!! Talk about living in denial.

There is more on this but I can't write more atm.

[sanmagic7]

       

[AphoticAtramentous]

@Blueberry: Nice to know your therapy sessions are productive, efficient, and in general just going well! it's very nice to hear.

[Candid]

I felt very sad about that little girl who tried so hard to be who and how M and F wanted her to be, but e.g. couldn't stop crying. They wanted perfection, expected perfection. Crying was absolutely imperfect.

You were and are perfect, Blueberry.  It was they who couldn't see beyond their own neuroses or PDs or whatever to realise what a bright and beautiful little girl they'd brought into the world.  Instead of delighting in you, they made you cry.

I'm wondering how many times since then you've struggled to work the unworkable.   I can see I've done a lot of that; it's something I'm 'working' to release now.