Blueberry's Journal

[sanmagic7]

sorry you're feeling crummy.  i hope you're better very soon.  take your time, do what's best for you. 

funny how those intrusions can be so mind-numbingly exhausting.  i hear ya, dearheart.  big hug to you.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I hope you'll feel better soon, Blueberry. ^^ No pressure to post anything here. If your mind is feels too numbish, shouldn't try too hard to think. Do what's comfortable for you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you both! Stuff was coming up. I tend to forget that - things are hard IRL just before things come up. Pre-Come-up-Syndrome. PCS. Or maybe PCuS. Yes, that's better.  Now that I've made myself a mnemonic * , maybe I'll remember in future. 

* I admit, I googled this! The word for this thing is way easier in my current language. In fact, I need a mnemonic in order to remember the word mnemonic.

Really, there are some Unsent Letters to be written. Several. Woah. That means a whole lot has come up and is still doing so.

[Blueberry]

Yesterday, after playing Patience for quite a few rounds until I was bored of it, I decided to try out Hope's card trick. Which is probably explained a few posts back in this Journal.

I turned up a diamond which in my books means doing something with colour, so I got out my water colour paints, but before setting to work with them, I sprayed around some very nice room scent that I have, put one of my healing CDs on that I like to sing to and I lit a candle. Then I got going with my water-colours. I colour in with them as opposed to painting pictures. I did that all for quite a while, and in so doing I made myself remember that even-if-things-are-bad (which they often are with C-PTSD), I can still make my surroundings nice for myself and do pleasant activities.  Even though actually doing these things is difficult for me. That probably goes with the trade for a self-destructor. But yesterday I managed the inner hurdle and did it. 

Now I'm really embarrassed at telling myself "you rock". But I'm leaving it here. What I think is embarrassment is probably actually shame. Shame is part of this Beast, correct? And a good thing to get over bit by bit because it's not my shame it's M's shame. Oh great. (Sarcasm.) Another topic for Screen Processing, because M has just popped up. That's how I know it's her shame.

Actually using my water-colours in the way I described above functions a bit meditatively. Things started coming up after a while so I went onto doing Screen Processing yesterday. That was difficult but good because some symptoms, which had been making themselves known again especially images of SI, disappeared.  Big relief.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I turned up a diamond which in my books means doing something with colour, so I got out my water colour paints, but before setting to work with them, I sprayed around some very nice perfume-for-the-air that I have, put one of my healing CDs on that I like to sing to and I lit a candle. Then I got going with my water-colours. I colour in with them as opposed to painting pictures. I did that all for quite a while, and in so doing I made myself remember that even-if-things-are-bad (which they often are with C-PTSD), I can still make my surroundings nice for myself and do pleasant activities.

Oh wow, Blueberry that sounds so nice! I'm a little envious, haha! Should do that for myself later tonight when I get back from work. Oh my it sounds so good, I'm getting giddily excited. XD
I'm so happy you did this for yourself though. Good job!

But you can tell yourself 'you rock' all you want, haha. It's good! Everyone needs their own little pep talk every now and then.

[Blueberry]

Thank you, AphoticAtramentous! It was nice, and it moved things along too.

I'm feeling sad because I discovered someone from this site is no longer on this site. Although I understand and accept the decision cognitively, I still feel sad and.... the word keeps coming: abandoned. So I'm just going to accept that that is the way it is at present. Obviously that is an EF.

[Blueberry]

Feeling abandoned was very short-lived. This is good! A reminder that a feeling can disappear fairly quickly again. It doesn't always, but it can.

[Blueberry]

I'm just reading around on here instead of getting on with things I should be getting on with, such as billing someone, writing or at least attempting to write another one of those Unsent Letters, writing a job application for a part-time job in November and December. So just writing that for myself, as a little reminder.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Feeling abandoned was very short-lived. This is good! A reminder that a feeling can disappear fairly quickly again. It doesn't always, but it can.

Glad to hear it, Blueberry.

[Blueberry]

I'm just reading around on here instead of getting on with things I should be getting on with, such as billing someone, writing or at least attempting to write another one of those Unsent Letters, writing a job application for a part-time job in November and December. So just writing that for myself, as a little reminder.

Ditto. Though I have written the bill, at least. Need to scan it and mail it though.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
I just read in your Journal about when you used the card thing, and your use of the watercolours - really want to say to you 'You Rock' -   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope and it's nice to see you back. 

[Hope66]

 

[Blueberry]

I've been feeling off and on as if I have no compassion left for other people. I intended to write that as soon as I came on here. What did I do instead? Read around and replied to other people's posts. This was my decision so nobody to whom I answered should feel bad in any way whatsoever. I've just seen a post by a new person wondering if s/he has CPTSD and even though I know roughly what I could write, I'm not doing so because I feel all spent. No energy left for that.

Growing up I was meant to have compassion for my abusers and their enablers. And now I seem to expect of myself that I have compassion for these people and those people, whereas I probably need to practise compassion for myself. Especially considering how turbulent things have been since last T session. The session was actually good! But often things are really hard for me after a good session. I have difficulty channeling the energy that gets released into anything constructive.
I finally did get a haircut today. One good thing.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I know how you feel, Blueberry. If you don't feel up for writing any posts, there's no pressure to.
And good job on getting that haircut. ^-^ Hope it looks as you want it to look.