Blueberry's Journal

[sanmagic7]

taking care of others before taking care of ourselves.  i've come to believe it's one of our self-destructive tendencies, something that's not usually spoken about like that.   i know i've nearly self-destructed several times in my life because of that.

you do rock, and i was really glad to see you be able to acknowledge that for yourself.  if we can't see the good in ourselves, acknowledge it for ourselves, we'll continue to see and acknowledge the neg. about ourselves as we've been trained.  and, isn't that the foundation for not taking care of ourselves first?

sending a warm, loving hug.

[Blueberry]

I achieved some good things today and enjoyed the sunshine. But now by the evening I'm shaky and feeling not up to par. Pretty wobbly emotionally-speaking. It's noticeable in the few hours of paid work I'm still doing per week. I'll be doing some intensive therapy at the end of the month and I can't wait to go. Hoping that might stabilise me for a bit as well as give me more motivation and energy.

Keeping going is difficult for me. I followed up on a lead I've been intending to for a while, for some freelance work. Turned into a dead end. That's hard. I'm not actually feeling like throwing in the towel work-wise, which is good. But I just notice things are often a struggle. I do feel as if one thing more and I'm going to start shaking physically. At least I have T tomorrow.

[Blueberry]

taking care of others before taking care of ourselves.  i've come to believe it's one of our self-destructive tendencies, something that's not usually spoken about like that.   i know i've nearly self-destructed several times in my life because of that.

New idea for me, that taking care of others before ourselves is a really self-destructive tendency. So thanks for that.

you do rock, and i was really glad to see you be able to acknowledge that for yourself.  if we can't see the good in ourselves, acknowledge it for ourselves, we'll continue to see and acknowledge the neg. about ourselves as we've been trained.  and, isn't that the foundation for not taking care of ourselves first?

Some new ideas here too, thank you.

[sanmagic7]

hope these new ideas are helpful.  it seems my perspective on this beast is broadening cuz these are not ideas that i've been holding for any length of time. 

i'm glad you're not ready to throw in the towel.   you've got a lot of strength in you, blueberry, maybe more than you realize.  sending you a hug filled with support and love.

[Blueberry]

Sometimes I can't make up my mind what to do, so I don't do anything. This evening I knew I needed to get on my bike and go and check on something and then I could either do A or B. Typical would be not checking on the Thing to be Checked until A and B are both over, but this evening I managed to Check and then get to A half-way through. I wouldn't have managed to get to B at all because further away. Good job, I tell myself.  Because if I hadn't managed to get to A or B I would have felt as if I let myself down.

I posted in Progress that I stayed in the moment. The situation I triggered for myself by posting about hugs and thanking people for giving them to me. I want to write about that a bit. I used not to be able to hug people. I couldn't raise my arms to do so. Of course it wasn't a physical thing, it was an emotional thing.

When I first chose a place I wanted to go for inpatient treatment I saw in the brochure that they obviously used some forms of safe touching in body therapy, I knew: I want to be able to do that too, I want to go there. So I did. I had to fight for it, but I did get to go. And I learned to say "No" and then I learned to say "Yes" and bit by bit I started allowing people to hug me. People - fellow patients - would ask: "Can I hug you?" And if I could allow it because I felt safe, I'd say "Yes, but you know I can't hug you back." And that was fine, these people hugged me anyway. This makes me so sad. I know my FOO is deranged, but how could you bring a child up to not be able to hug other people?? I could hug as a child, but somewhere something broke when I was a teenager.

** Trigger Warning **

Ah yes, now I know what it was. Having to hug B1 back when I was about to go away for months, because it was expected and I couldn't say "No", although he used to hit me.

End Trigger Warning

How sad to have to re-learn something as 'simple' and 'everyday' as hugging somebody else! Before I could put my arms up to join in the hug I was learning to feel the hug and to stay in my body, not freeze. Then I learned to join in the hug too, put my arms up and be part of the hug. I don't believe if there were anything romantic or sexual in the hug that I could remain and not freeze, but non-romantic hugs are great and so healing! It's great that they've been back in my life for about 16 years now!

** TW **
How sad to have the ability to hug other people broken by physical abuse. Because that's what it was that B1 did, even though FOO has been denying it for years - it wasn't often, it wasn't much, I provoked him, I didn't end up in hospital etc etc.

[sanmagic7]

very sad, indeed, blueberry.

the idea of safe touch not being ok - i've run into it on many occasions, both as a t and as a client.

when i was working with adol. girls, they had an art therapy class with an art teacher and me together.  i introduced shoulder rubs as a way to get them to relax.  some said yes to the idea, but many refused.  they, too, had had abusive backgrounds, and safe, pos. touch was unknown to them.

however, things changed.  those who had been willing encouraged the other girls to try it, telling them it really helped.  soon, they were asking for them every day.  we had to limit this, so we told them that if they finished their weekly project, they could get a little massage when they handed it in.  it was amazing how enthusiastically those projects began being turned in every week.  their behaviors in class improved as well.

i'm very glad for you, blueberry, that you discovered the power of hugs/pos. touch.  it's been proven that hugs induce feel-good endorphins to be released by the brain, which, in turn, helps our entire being feel better.  babies fail to thrive if they're not touched enough, not held.  touch is something intrinsic to our survival.

to have that denied to the point that someone fears it goes against life itself.   sending you a safe hug filled with warmth and comfort.

[Sceal]

I am sad that you had to go through such an experience that left you unable to hug people back.

I am not big on physical contact either. I can't read the signs, I rarely know what sort of hug it is. And mostly I just feel uncomfortable - and hope for it to be over quickly. Eventhough there are times where I wish someone could just hold me. They say that a hug for 2 minutes will increase serotonin or dopamine levles in your body and it'll help you fight off stress in the longterm. I wonder if it's the same for trauma-people.

I think it's incredible brave that you signed yourself up on such a body-healing course. It sounds amazing, and really difficult to go through. But it's great it has had such a lasting positive effect on you. I am really happy this was something that you could work through and get help for.

[Blueberry]

Sceal, I'm actually big on safe, physical touch now because it has been so healing to me. I no longer normally feel uncomfortable in normal life with hugs at least from female friends. Part of this is because I can say "No" and enforce that if need be.

The place I'm going at the end of this week implements a form of this body work and is trauma-informed which the method wasn't when I first did it 16-17 years ago. But there were quite a few other people with bad trauma in this inpatient place. It's just that doctors and therapists seemed to know less about trauma, especially FOO trauma, then. I've been in quite a lot of inpatient treatment so it wasn't just that stint 16-17 years ago. I didn't get re-traumatised through this type of therapy. It was very healing, but it wasn't enough. It didn't help me with all my problems with work, e.g. and with using my hands for other things, like changing the light bulb or the vacuum cleaner bags.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to wish you well at the place you're going to at the end of this week - hope that it goes well.  I've just been reading the 'letter to your friend' that you wrote - felt a bit speechless to know what to say - so didn't say anything in reply - but now I've popped into your Journal and just wanted to say that I think you worded your letter really well and conveyed your thoughts and feelings - and I was shocked to hear how your T had behaved and how he triggered so many topics in such a very short space of time - anyway, glad I was able to say something to you here about it.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope for the good wishes and the validation. 

Over the years I've unfortunately had a number of therapists or other psycho personnel provoking me terribly badly and refusing to back down and then sometimes having the nerve to complain about me going 'crazy' afterwards like screaming hysterically. I don't do the latter anymore, nor did I 3 years ago, but I have been pushed to it before. OTOH a number of health-care professionals have validated me and my reactions for this situation 3 years ago, saying e.g. that it's true that therapists sometimes misjudge and push a patient too far but that it is then their job to provide a safety net so to speak and help the patient come back to a safe place. That so didn't happen in this case.

[Blueberry]

 I'm back from my 4 days of intensive group therapy. It'll take a while for it all to settle. One or two things have become clear. One being I really hadn't noticed how close I was getting to "collapse". One of the therapists said "you know, you could come a little more often, you don't have to wait till you're up to the eyebrows in whatever."

When I'm having 'impulses'  towards throwing in the towel, whether work-wise or in general, it can be because everything seems too much. And when everything seems too much, it really is too much. Really. I need to get to a place where I can believe that. And stop comparing myself with other people on here or elsewhere who get less therapy paid for by the state and who don't have money for private sessions like these 4 days of intensive. I wouldn't have the money if FOO hadn't given me a bunch. But I decided to take that money. Different issue. Others decide not to. Legitimate. I decided to. Also legitimate.

I spent a fair amount of time crying. Tears kept welling up. Somebody was kind to me; somebody validated what I suffered as a child; I remembered a time when somebody had helped me; somebody agreed that FOO really is so crazy; somebody paid me an honest compliment etc etc Sometimes the tears just came, no tangible reason. I think sheer emotional exhaustion over months, which I hid away even from myself.

That's enough for the moment.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
Welcome back and glad to hear that your 4 day intensive time away was beneficial - it sounds like you did a lot of stuff, and I just wanted to welcome you back. 
Hope 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome back Blueberry. ^^ Hope you're satisfied with what you got out of all that.

[woodsgnome]

I also experienced a 5-day intensive in April. Parts of it were life-changing; parts indescribable in the sharing that became so wonderful in an atmosphere of trust and love.

I also did lots of crying and for the same reasons you speak of. There's no feeling like that of being accepted for who you are; for me that's overwhelmingly beautiful and...people understand; didn't consider me a freak or soft for expressing my deepest, raw self that way.

I also experienced, as you said:  "Sometimes the tears just came, no tangible reason. I think sheer emotional exhaustion over months, which I hid away even from myself." Whatever the cause, I also felt like I'd released years of emotional blockage. Sure, I can and do cry here, sometimes; but within a group like that, it's even more powerful.

While I've had a bit of a drawdown since then, the effects are still growing on me--mainly in the sense that I truly am okay, and that there are possibilities to stay grounded amidst the swirls of life. As I told someone in the group who wondered how I was doing in the "real world" again, that experience was also the real world; as much or more than the old world where I was nothing but a broken remnant that tumbled out of a bad dream.

Enough from me, just happy you seem to have had a meaningful time. Congratulations for finding the means--and the courage--to go with where your heart led. 

[Sceal]

Welcome back Blueberry!

Wonderful that you have the opportunity to go to such an intensive treatment. I've not heard of such a thing in regards to other things than OCD.
Sounds like you felt you got something good out of it! And the T is probably right, to not push yourself until your limit, but to try and slowly start seeking help before you've reached the limit.

Keep up the good work!