Blueberry's Journal

[sanmagic7]

welcome back, blueberry.  it sounds like you experienced a very healing space and place.  i'm so glad for you. 

i've been to a few weekend workshops for healing and discovery, and every one of them touched a part of me i didn't realize needed touching.  it can be exhausting, too, and take some time to get back a sense of everyday life. 

i like that you got the message that you don't have to wait till you're at wit's end before taking some sort of break like this.  i don't know that i fully put that in play in my own life all the time, altho i can tell that to others all the time.  i need to be aware to practice what i preach.

big hug to you, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Blueberry. I'm new here and I thought of checking other's Recovery Journals.

It's an injustice for this world to be so hateful towards vulnerability. It causes much of the world's depression, anxiety and other similar conditions. But it's not too late to heal. Not too late to spread the word to the world that it's worth showing yourself this way. And it can start here.

Take care.

[Blueberry]

I came back online to check contact info for my landlords. I intend to phone the Tenant Association tomorrow morning from my place of (volunteer) work, where I have no email/Internet access, to see what they can suggest about my landlords not bothering about what is presumably a leaking pipe somewhere in a floor (? or wall?). Although it doesn't look as if it can be in my apartment, it's in the one next door and dripping into my storage part of the basement, and spreading.

Whenever I have to inform any people in position of power about anything like this, I go into a mild EF state for days. I have informed my landlords. First almost two weeks ago (yes, thank you for informing us we will deal) and then on Monday because I noticed it's spreading and dripping into different areas of the basement e.g. my storage part and because they obviously haven't dealt. It feels dangerous to me to inform the Tenant Association. OTOH why pay an annual fee if you don't use it? Though I have used its services before for previous landlord.

I am frightened of stirring up trouble. Feeling of "better keep my head down, put up and shut up, don't defend myself, stop making a fuss about nothing, curl into a ball on the floor and let it ride over me". All that going on internally. It's good I started writing about it because only with that do I come up with these sentences. Thanks FOO ever so much. Not. It's M  I have a picture of in my head. Cognitively-speaking, B1 ought to be there as well. He's the one

*** TW Physical Abuse ***

who yelled "How dare you hit me??" and got ready to send me flying with an almighty punch, after he'd already hit me and I so incensed hit back. Anyway he got ready for another go, except the dog attacked him. M was actually there and didn't remonstrate at all with him, nor did she remember the next day, convenient case of early-onset Alzheimer's as regards one item. 

* End TW*

So no wonder it takes so much courage and energy on my part to confront landlords and then keep going, getting help elsewhere. Another topic for screen-processing, though actually M not B1 at this time. Actually I was intending to go to bed so as to get up before the crack of dawn tomorrow and go up to the farm.

I did realise one good thing though, which I want to write down: in the fairly recent past I've told two acquaintances where to get off. I've set two different sorts of limits, but limits none the less, and in so doing i've put myself first. Today a third actually, while I'm about it. Sorting the sheep from the goats among my circle of friends. Who's really a friend? And who's just an acquaintance, that I should maybe even do without?

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, how perfectly wonderful for you with all that limit-setting.  showing so much progress - it's so great to see.

i hear you about not rocking the boat and all the rest of that balderdash.  it takes practice, for sure.  i think it's a safety issue, and your landlord or tenant assoc. or whatever needs to know.  who knows what that water might be doing inside the walls!  you're only seeing where it's coming out.

best to you with this, sweetie.  big hug full of strength and courage.

[Blueberry]

Thank you san! My landlords do know, they're just not acting on it. Possibly so that the building will fall apart around us and then they can kick us all out, demolish the building and re-build. Or something like that. It seems as if they don't care about the damage being done by water over the space of almost 2 weeks. Hard to believe.

Aha, so you see this as rocking the boat. No wonder I'm having such trouble. I realised last time I had contact with all of FOO that my sibs were preventing me from rocking the family boat. Sibs are allowed to tell our parents where to get off, sibs are allowed to set limits, but me?? No.

In fact a good few years ago B2, who's younger than me, forbade me to ever mention CSA to M (she's the culprit) in case she committed suicide. B2, don't ask me how I feel. I said at the time I thought it was pretty unlikely she would. I now think it's even more unlikely. What with everybody protecting her and each other.

[Blueberry]

It's 3:30 am. I did my Screen Processing, but now I can't go to sleep. I was lying in bed tending towards self-harm. Didn't actually do any, I was merely running my fingers through my hair, self-calming measure. But that's how self-harm gets going, well one way at least. So thought I might as well come and post here for a while.

This evening when a friend phoned, I grabbed my Life Basket (as in life jacket, life ring etc.) which I described here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6910.255 18th page of healing porch, 3rd post from the top, because I sometimes get fidgety on the phone. But this is a really good friend and we support each other a lot. So I figured I'll listen and just have one of my worry egg type objects in my hand, instead of running fingers through hair... So I did just that and it helped. I listen to her and validate and sometimes make suggestions. She does the same for me. But still I get fidgety sometimes. She helped me with the Landlord Problem, as in: inform Tenant Assoc.! Now I have this worry egg at the computer with me and it's helping me not even getting close to running fingers through hair. So that's good.

Actually my worry egg isn't an egg (or egg-shaped stone) at all, it's a little wooden animal and I'm sure the carved face with smile is keeping me from self-harming. Fits nicely in my hands though and is pleasant to hold.

[Three Roses]

I have an odd-shaped stone that's very comforting for me to hold. There's something about the smoothness, isn't there 

[Blueberry]

6 am. Time to get up and go off to work on the farm. Oh wait, i am up, not having been able to sleep. Just need to shut down and get ready to go.

[Hope66]

Wishing you a good day at the Farm today, Blueberry.   

[DecimalRocket]

 

I have something called a fidget cube that's calming to hold. With buttons, switches, a smooth surface and so on. Interesting how touch can calm, huh?

[sanmagic7]

well, blueberry, how wonderful for you that you were able to calm yourself before the self-harm began.  what progress, my dear!  so glad to hear that.  wow!

that really sucks that the landlords won't do anything about such a problem.  tenant assoc. sounds like a good idea. 

i was told anytime that i brought something amiss to someone's attention that i should quit 'rocking the boat'.  leave it, ignore it, let someone else do it, etc. etc. ad nauseum.  i give you so much credit for flying in the face of those messages.  it can be difficult, for sure, but it's part of standing up for ourselves, honoring our boundaries, and self-care.  i'm just sorry you're having to go thru this.

glad you've got your 'egg' to help calm you.   it's such a good idea, especially since you're able to put it to use.

wow, again, blueberry.  you are so making progress.  i hope you're proud of yourself - you deserve it.  sending a hug filled with strength and love.  also hope the farm makes for a good day.

[Blueberry]

Thanks everybody! 

I came back from the farm pretty exhausted yesterday, even though I don't think that I did that much. But not sleeping the night before is not too helfpful, obviously. I'm probably still feeling the after-effects of my 4 days intensive group therapy too.

I bounced back this afternoon / early evening though and have the impulse to get on with various things. I've already done a round of Screen Processing and sorted through and thrown out some papers, which I really like to put off. So it's good when I actually want to do it.
I have the impulse to make some advertising for the window of my business because tomorrow is Sunday Shopping and a festival in the town centre, where I live and work. Wanting to make some advertising material also means I'm keeping going with my business in my soul rather than just in my head. A few days ago  I wanted to go back to inpatient treatment, but that was just some after-effect of the group therapy. Next week I'm going to phone somebody who was interested a few months ago because I now feel that I could take on one more customer. So that's slow but steady progress.

[sanmagic7]

 

[DecimalRocket]

 

[Blueberry]

Well I did make a poster for my business window and it's up and I'm feeling OK about it. I mean, it doesn't make me feel self-conscious.

I notice now that I've given myself permission to drop one type of work for the time being that I'm feeling less stressed about the other type and a little less stressed in general. Possibly that even led to me being able to make the poster for my window. I feel I can approach a potential client about the work I'm still doing without the fear i'm about to collapse. 

My T said today he imagines it's because I'm beginning to accept myself and my right to exist in this world, just like everybody else. Instead of feeling like a burden and thinking I have to keep working, working, working at best for no pay, just to make up for taking up space in the world. A few weeks ago in T, I was working on saying "I have a right to exist just like everybody else" so this is that progress moving into my emotions now, undoubtedly helped along by the long weekend of intensive group therapy.

My T also said that my acceptance of my own inability to work in the field I've stopped working in will free up so much energy. I recognised myself that I'd been fighting for years to keep going. "Inability" isn't even the right word. Partly it's unwillingness, but in a good way. I'm unwilling to do something that is mentally so strenuous because of all the psychological stuff going on. All the FOO sentences causing so much self-doubt and leading to continuous self-harm while I'm working. The cognitive ability is there. Clients and previous employers praise (d) my results but have no idea of the cost to me personally to produce the work. They have noticed that it can take quite a long time for me to finish the work, that it's hard for me to meet deadlines, but the mental and psychological cost - there they have no idea! I do though. And it's been my decision to take a long break, possibly forever.