Blueberry's Journal

[Blueberry]

I just wanted to add that my landlord got back to me today and that I didn't even speak to the Tenants' Association. Some specialist is going to come and look at the problem tomorrow. So I just needed to be patient and believe that help was coming. Believing help is forthcoming is apparently difficult.

This evening I had the feeling that the puzzle pieces are fitting together again. Not the puzzle pieces of memory but the puzzle pieces of healing. They are slotting together. I'm sure it won't always feel that way so I want to make note of it here!

My T said today that it's understandable that it really hurts me that my FOO - both parents and both siblings - don't understand me and don't accept me as I am and don't accept my opinions on the past or my views on how they treat me. Also that it's understandable that this fact isn't irrelevant to me. Then I thought of the reactions of one brother and my father - they basically shrug and say "Oh well" / "Tough-o" when it's my pain, though my F reacts differently when it's his pain. For me the "Oh well" / "Tough-o" reactions are mind-boggling because I'm not like B and F in this respect. I'm not that insensitive to other people's pain! Sometimes I do have to protect myself from feeling other people's pain but I can nonetheless validate it, and have done so in the past for friends, even for members of FOO.

It's been a long time coming, but better late than never: I'm moving more and more out of the emotional sphere of influence of FOO. Finding out who I am and what my values are and certainly that they are quite different from FOO's. Even noticing that B2, who is GC, is not as admirable as I had believed. I'm moving out of the FOG and this even feels exciting. 

Give myself  and 

[sanmagic7]

may i add to that, blueberry -


        

and a big     

well done.  what a great feeling. 

[Sceal]

That's wonderful that you're starting to find a basis for your own identity! Just amazing! 

[Blueberry]

Sceal, thanks for the wording "finding a basis for [my] own identity". I'm like "is that what I'm doing? Yes, I guess so."

Today I've been playing games, having a good time and sleeping. Playing games - playing patience, an apt game - seems to be helping me process. I have to remind myself that it's OK to spend a day doing this. It's often this way the day after therapy. My ICr. doesn't get to have a field day instead. I'm not interested in what ICr. has to say on this. ICr. is behind the times on what all this means.

I feel as if I'm being held back internally by FOO but the change now is that I'm formulating what to write to enF and B2 since there are a few things to say, at least potentially. In the end, I may write them here or under Unsent Letters and not send them, instead let healing take its course. The progress now is feeling I'm being held back internally by FOO.

Today I saw a job ad in the newspaper (for a job for 2 weeks in December) and I thought of applying but remembered quickly how trying it is for me atm to just get on with 'normal' things like getting dressed in semi-respectable clothing, and also last time I tried similar work, I gave up after a few hours because it did my head in. No, atm I'm staying with healing. And I'm getting closer to accepting myself as disabled psychologically-speaking and unemployable in the 'normal' non-disabled workforce. So I'll just leave that here, though I'd like to change the words I used, though I'm not sure to what.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,

You're allowing healing to take its course, and that sounds really good.  You've been playing games, having a good time, and sleeping - and that sounds great too. 

I think the 'unsent' letters part of the forum is really helpful - good luck for when you formulate your letters.

Wishing you well with everything and standing with you 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

i think a games day is absolutely in order at times.  we use so much mental and emotional energy with this stuff, that our brains need a break to re-group, too.  good for you, i say.

psychologically disabled, and unemployable in the 'normal' workforce.   i wonder if these attributes are permanent or temporary.   i know that i had to come to terms with not being able to work either a full-time job or even a day-to-day part-time job.  that was almost 20 yrs. ago.  it was a struggle at first, but acceptance did come.

the disability part has been a little trickier.  at one time i was nearly curled up in a ball, unable to look past my own essence.  today, i see more of the outgoing part of me beginning to shine again.  i'm interacting differently with people, have made some friends in the house where i rent a room, am smiling and laughing more.   

i don't know if that will ever be completely 'cured', but i'm liking the level i've reached a bit more.  sometimes, it's all about levels, isn't it.  i'm also beginning to feel more secure in myself, something i haven't felt in a very long time. 

the point is, i think it's a wonderful thing to be able to see yourself more clearly for who you are, what your level of capability is at the moment, and i think you're doing a great job of that, blueberry.   definitely moving forward and showing lots of progress.  love that you're telling your inner critic where to get off.  sending you a hug filled with acceptance and love.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, Blueberry.

Just wanted to send a good luck to your self care and a gentle hug.

[Blueberry]

Thank you DecimalRocket 

- - - --- - - -- - - -

I note that I wrote a response on somebody else's thread yesterday about cutting ourselves some slack when things don't go according to plan. So note that for self today. I didn't get up and stay up till 5 pm, and as such did nothing that I'd intended to do except take something important to the post office.

Partially it was a case of: shall I do A or B? Then do neither. Partially avoiding a possible conflict at the farm. Partially a bunch of stuff being triggered over the past few days and my not dealing with them. I do have methods, but haven't been using them.  I mean, that's sometimes how I react, I run away.

[Sceal]

I also hide away. Avoid stuff for as long as I can, until there's no more time.
Have you considered writing pro-con list for A and B? And see if that helps clarify one step for you?

Be kind to your self.

[sanmagic7]

i think a lot of us have what we've been trained to think of as 'unproductive' days, but maybe they aren't that at all.  maybe those are the days that we are needing to let our minds have some space and time for healing, especially after being overwhelmed.

i hope you are kind to yourself, too.  we've functioned thru the worst of times, maybe we just get worn out once in awhile.  sending a hug filled with acceptance and love, sweetie.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Sceal and Sanmagic,
I can only practise being kind to myself. It doesn't come that naturally. I get worn out pretty regularly. I like to ignore the fact that it often takes me the best part of week to get over therapy, which means I'm right on track.

Sceal, I used to write pro/con lists but now the decision on what to do is not a cognitive thing. I'm psychologically so worn-out I can hardly write a list kind of thing.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there. 

Practice can be hard. Like any skill, it takes time. But repeated practice makes things easier.

Good luck, Blueberry,

[Sceal]

Blueberry,

I can relate to being too worn out to write lists. Is there any way you can give yourself a couple of days with intended rest? Where you allow yourself to not make any desicions, and just focus on doing what feels good in the moment? And in a couple of days see if you feel more up to actually making a choice?

Sending you a hug with some strength and rest.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Sceal. I'm not too good at allowing myself that, but it often just happens. That's when I'm too exhausted to get out of bed or do manage that but just the effort of finding semi-respectable clothing or even getting dressed is too much. Thank you for your suggestion because it reminded me of this connect.

Today I've ended up exhausted though I started out OK. So I allowed myself to not take part in two activities I otherwise wanted to do. I slept instead.

Something has been in my subconscious and flickering up again into my conscious mind re FOO but atm it's in subconscious. I had wanted to write it. Oh well. It will come back up.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, you're working so hard mentally and emotionally, no wonder you're exhausted.  this stuff drains us as badly, or more so, than even physical work.  i do hope you're being patient with yourself.  sending a hug filled with self-care, kindness, and love.