Blueberry's Journal

[Blueberry]

If anybody's keeping an eye on who's hanging around the forum, they'll see I've been here  for a few hours. Which is kind of long.  I've been reading some of my old posts which is illuminating and I've also been commenting on some other people's posts which is good in a way and bad in another. BUT I've also been getting up ever so often and dancing around to the music I've been listening to.  Because this is re-grounding for me. And it's fun. And I've been having trouble with it in the past little while. Been feeling self-conscious about my taste in music. I know that's an EF (thanks FOO for mockery and criticism) but so long as it is an EF it's hard to impossible to re-ground with this method. In fact, I didn't really realise, I just let it run its course until I noticed I could dance around again without feeling self-conscious.

I had been intending to write another one of those Unsent FOO Letters like to B to print out and take to T tomorrow. But I guess re-grounding is more important, or maybe just not bringing up and verbalising any more feelings / realisations / memories? Print out something i've already written instead and take that. Yeah, that sounds sensible. Glad I got that sorted out.

[Sceal]

My computer is on almost all day, and I have a tendency to forget to close the browser once I'm done - so I too appear to be online when I am infact not.

I am glad that you are now able to dance to the music that you like. It's such a fun excersise to do! and definitively grounding!

[DecimalRocket]

That's great that you're enjoying your dance Blueberry.

I'm not really interested in dancing myself, but I hear that it's cathartic to many people. It allows people to express themselves and feel a certain freedom with the music. In life, you're often stuck doing what others think you should be doing, but when you dance, you can move in the way you want to.

I hope you feel better when you make another one of those letters Blueberry.

Well, see ya.

Rocket.

[Hope66]

HI Blueberry,

I love the 80's music.  I am so glad you felt able to dance and enjoy that freedom of movement and expression - I also want to say that I hope that your session goes well today with your T.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I read an example on OOTF, but I no longer know where, of somebody being given a choice and then the choice being criticised and not accepted, e.g. "what do you want coffee or tea?" "Tea." "No way, tea's really stupid, you're having coffee." Um, why ask if you're not going to let the person decide for themselves??

Today I remembered that SIL2 did this to me. She gave me the task of choosing a toy for my niece with the gift certificate they had received. So when SIL came into the store I was in, I showed her a few things I was considering, she immediately criticised one of my choices. "That's really stupid, that's the dumbest toy I've ever seen." and then she went on to make the final decision herself as to what to buy. But instead of leaving it that way, when other guests were visiting B2 and SIL2, SIL2 went on this big spree of "Look what Blueberry chose for us" though she was the one who had chosen  I think now it was a type of flattery to try and groom me with praise, but my SIL still holding control. I didn't even like being asked to choose what to get with the gift certificate, I may even have said that, but SIL doesn't take 'no' for an answer.

I am remembering this incident today because I bought a Christmas present for my niece, who is also my goddaughter, a couple of days ago and I am regretting the choice because of what SIL might think. There's nothing whatever wrong with my choice. It's not 'off' in any way but here I am wanting to self-harm because of my choice. It's not totally easy for me to return the purchase either. I might be able to but wondering about that is kind of triggering too!

Anyway, returning or not is not the point. The point is:  about SIL2 and either the way she maneuvers herself into the front and centre stage or the way I allow that to happen or a bit of both.

When I think of the present I bought, all I see and hear in my head is SIL criticising. I don't see my niece enjoying. It's as if my niece isn't even in the picture, it's not about her. Which confuses me because at the time I was buying a present albeit spur of the moment that I thought she would enjoy and now I'm filled with self-doubt: the present is 'too young' for her or 'too stupid', niece is way 'too advanced', my present will be 'too boring'. 'Too expensive' too, SIL and B will see that negatively too (should I lie on the Customs label and reduce the price a bit? - is going through my head - I'm not asking for advice on this.)

All this stuff needlessly churning around in my head. And although I realise that it is in my head and is just conjecture, it is based on how I have experienced SIL. Last time I had contact with SIL, I couldn't get her out of my head for days. Dominant and domineering, like M. OK, that's a VENT.

This B, who is Golden Child, and his wife, let's just say the gold is losing some of its shine.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Oh Blueberry, I know exactly how you feel. My M does this especially with me all the time.
"Pick a dress to buy" "No not that one, that's ugly"
"What do you want for dinner?" "Seriously, that? Let's just have this instead"
"What do you want to do for your birthday?" "You're going to do THAT? Why?? Do this, it's way better"
You really feel like you have no choice, and that everything you want/think is best is actually wrong in some way. :\ I hope you can see past that voice in your head though and reassure yourself that the present you chose is what YOU chose, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

[sanmagic7]

i've run into many people, especially men with whom i've had relationships, who simply stopped voicing opinions because that kind of thing had happened from previous partners so many times.  i'd ask what they want to do, eat, whatever, and they'd shrug their shoulders and say 'i don't care'.

what happens with that is that i never get to know the person.  i ask questions in order to get information, and when they've been damaged to the extent that they lose their voice, it's like there's no one there.  so frustrating to be on the other side of this abuse.

i have no doubt you got a perfectly lovely gift for your niece, blueberry.  you can be proud, and revel in your niece's delight when she opens her gift.  you'll be able to tell if her mother is doing the same kind of thing to you if, when she opens it, she looks over to her mother to find out if it's 'acceptable' or not.

that would be a crying shame, and i can see how it could take all the joy out of gift-giving.  i hope it doesn't happen, and that little girl loves it to bits.  i know in her heart she will.  i just don't know if her mother's force field has already ruined those moments of joy for her.  i hope not.

big hug full of hope and promise and love.

[Blueberry]

san,
Sadly, I won't know whether or not my niece likes the gift. I'm at a point of VLC with B and SIL, but as my niece is also my goddaughter and has nothing whatsoever to do with the estrangement, so far I've still been sending post. She's too small to send 'Thank you' notes of her own accord.

Her "mother's force field" is a good way of putting it. Idk. My "mother's force field" had a pretty negative impact on my development as an individual and as an adult. And the more I have moments of revelation both in T and outside, the more I realise how well SIL fits in with the family dysfunction and how much she is like M! I can only hope my niece grows up able to take the good from my B and SIL and discard the dysfunctional. Sounds rather a slim hope, I know.

Yeah, I'm one of those annoying people who used to shrug her shoulders and say "I don't care" or even worse say/do the complete opposite of what I wanted because I thought that was what 'normal' people would do or say and what I wanted was by definition wrong. What Blueberry wanted was wrong because Blueberry is wrong. Crossing that piece of wisdom from FOO out because it is completely warped. Unfortunately though as a young woman in my late teens / early 20's I believed that through and through. Once somebody, totally frustrated, even said to me: "Can't you just say what you want instead of what you think you ought to??" Rhetorical question. But my answer in my head was "no, I can't." Thank God for progress! I've moved on since then.

Thanks, Aphotic Atramentous, I'll try.  Sorry you grew up with the same.

[Hope66]

Blueberry, I think your niece will like the present that you have chosen for her - I certainly hope so anyway.  Because you are thoughtful, and because you care.    to you.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope! I really appreciate the good characteristics you can see in me. 

____________________________________________

So now I'm one of the Mods. Everybody can see it too, beneath my name in whatever that box-thing is called. It's stressing me a bit already. Because I think every time I respond to anybody else's post my response has to be absolutely perfect: no infringement of guidelines (though so far my time on OOTS I haven't even had a warning - what am I so worried about?); perfectly worded; perfectly healed - no mention of slip-ups like reverting to SH or eating or doing both and not caring.

I even notice that I feel I shouldn't post so much about myself, I should take a step back from that, even though I'm at a stage in healing where it's really important to me to write here in my Journal or Recovery Letters, or on other parts of the board when memories resurface or I have a realisation. I feel I'd like to write: this is Blueberry Person speaking, this is not Blueberry Moderator. So just wanted to post that to remember how it is at the beginning of moderating, because any type of 'work' I do tends to trigger a bit of this and that but also leads to progress in healing.

[woodsgnome]

Blueberry wrote: "...it's really important to me to write here in my Journal or Recovery Letters, or on other parts of the board..."

And it's equally important you continue just being you. Probably more important than ever. Moderator is just a change of wardrobe, most of us will relate first and foremost to the wonderful Person who's shared so well with us. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

You just be yourself Blueberry. You don't have to be a perfect moderator. Everyone makes mistakes, moderators included. So even if you do ever make a mistake, it's perfectly okay! ^-^

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i echo the others.  we put recovery first here, so i believe it's important for you to keep posting.  we love and accept you just as you are, and the fact that you're now a mod only means you have another job on the side.  that doesn't have to take anything away from being you.

i'm very proud of you for doing this, sweetie.  there may be a period of adjustment until you get comfy wearing 2 hats here, but you've got spunk, and that counts for a lot.  love and hugs - so glad you're in my life.

[Three Roses]

Ho boy, if you had to do this perfectly I'd have been disqualified!!

Moderator is just a word that lets others know you can be trusted. No pressure, just be you. That's good enough. 

[DecimalRocket]

Oh Blueberry. . . You've done so well writing to others from what I've seen. I'm grateful for the things you've said to me over my stay in this forum and I think other people are too.

People didn't make you a moderator to add expectations of you. You've added expectations to yourself so you became enough to be a moderator.

Even people who are in authority some way need support . . . every human being does.

Take care, Blueberry.