Blueberry's Journal

Started by Blueberry, March 18, 2017, 09:26:28 PM

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Blueberry

I came on to moderate, but notice I'm really tired. My brain is tired, my feet are tired, so at least I'm writing that to begin with. It's good for me to pause and think how I am doing instead of going to care for somebody or something else right away, 'sth else' being everybody else's posts in this case.

I'm actually beginning to get into a Christmassy mood. I went along to some carol singing on the street an hour or so ago. There was hot mulled wine too. The streets are all decorated, mostly with trees and lights. There's a bit of snow lying. Today I also got an invitation for Christmas lunch with the farming family where I sometimes work. Before and after I'll be in church services, partially singing myself and partially enjoying a really really good choir (not the one I'm in!). Bit by bit Christmas post has been arriving. I'm not bothering with branches this year, never mind a tree, because I still haven't tidied up my apartment  :whistling: Maybe I'll have tidied up by next year.

Yesterday evening I was at a different farm up in the hills, buried in the snow. They had a big bonfire on the hillside and cooking fires as well with huge vats of soup and and pots of hot punch. St. Nicholas came by on a sled, pulled by an ox  ;) Someone had brought various dried herbs to throw on the bonfire: St. John's wort to tempt the sun to come back, sage which is cleansing including spiritually / emotionally or if you've had a disagreement with somebody, and yarrow which helps strengthen you by centring you and something more which I've forgotten. At least, that's in my country. Folklore might say something else in a different country. Anyway, these 3 herbs were thrown one by one onto the bonfire and it reminded me that this is the time of year, when the year is coming to an end, that I look back at the year and think how things were, what's in store for next year, what my goals might be.

Today I was working at the normal farm, just a few hours really, then stay for the main meal and head home. Working at the farm makes me physically a bit tired but it also energises me because nobody there sits around for hours on end doing self-destructive things. Once I'm finished my own jobs, there are small children who like to be played with or read to, dishes to be washed, floors to be swept, meals to be helped with.... I refuse to cook, it's far too mentally confusing for me because triggering somehow for more than myself, but if I'm handed potatoes to peel I'll do so. So when I come home from the farm, I'm more likely to wash my own stack of dishes or do some tidying or cleaning than on another day where I've already worked a few hours.

sanmagic7

blueberry, what beautiful traditions.  they are so spiritual and festive at the same time.  i've used sage as a cleansing agent in my homes through the years, and have been to native american spiritual sessions where sage is passed.  i love the smell and the feeling i get from it.

i also love how we can get energized from energetic behaviors.  i've had similar experiences and they're wonderful.  i'm very glad for you that they work like that in your own life.  very cool.

very glad that you can take stock of your self first before  'tending' to others.   you are really moving right along in such a pos. way.  i just love seeing this.   big hug to you.

Blueberry

Thanks san for seeing the change in me and commenting. Made me smile right away.  :hug:

Blueberry

So as written elsewhere, I'm exhausted. I feel more than I've felt for a while that it's an emotional exhaustion. But because I can't contain it just within my emotions, everything becomes exhausted. My body, my mind. It's been that way since I first completely collapsed 17-18 years ago, so CPTSD-related. Physical exhaustion also leads to mental and emotional exhaustion.

So yeah, a break from Modding is important atm. A little tidying including removing the stack of whatever on my favourite chair so I can sit in it and do some Screen Processing and / or EFT could also be on the agenda. Listening and moving to music. Colouring in. Sleeping. Dozing. Reading.

sanmagic7

sounds like a plan, blueberry.  a good one.  enjoy - you deserve it.  big restful, relaxing hug.

DecimalRocket

It must be stressful to be so hard on yourself all the time, Blue.

But I agree with San. I've seen the self care you've shown in your posts around the forum, and you're improving.

:hug:

Hope66

Wishing you some peaceful time - and sending you a hug  :hug: 

Take care Blueberry

Hope  :)

Blueberry

Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 28, 2017, 02:09:43 PM
It must be stressful to be so hard on yourself all the time, Blue.

Didn't notice I was doing that. It used to be way, way worse.

Blueberry

Well, I have been lying in bed dozing and reading and doing word puzzles. The other thing I'd most like to do is: eat. Not because I'm hungry but because it's soothing in some way. I know I could sit with my feelings instead or try and figure out what's behind it. Or do a few rounds of EFT. But I don't have enough motivation for any of that.

I could go back to bed of course. I don't eat there. It is evening, almost night so being in bed is completely legitimate.

Thanks for comments and hugs, Hope and san.  :hug:

Sceal

I hope you find a balance in how to approach your emotions. It's really hard work.

I wish you a good night's sleep!  :hug:

Hope67

Hi Blueberry,
I often turn to food as a source of 'comfort' and I know that it's probably better to see what is behind the urge to eat - but like you said, it can often be hard to do that, and eating is the result.  I've eaten too much this Christmas. 

I hope you've had a good day - that you're ok - and I want to thank you for all your support and help to me over 2017 - and I want to wish you the best for 2018.   :hug: to you Blueberry.

Hope  :)

Blueberry

Thank you so much Hope  :hug: I had quite a good day. I went to a big lights display with other events going on round about. I particularly enjoyed the story teller tent. Heard fairy tales which were completely new to me.

I'm no longer so exhausted, but I have the feeling I'm coming down with something instead.

Particularly when I'm coming back up out of a bad phase, the only goal I have in life is eating. I may have other goals on paper, but they're not visceral at all. Somehow I can't get myself interested much at all. But that phase will pass too.

sanmagic7

i've done the eating thing myself.  when i say the words 'i don't care' to myself, i know i'm past the point of no return.  it's not as bad as it was, but it's not where it could be.  still working on that.

that lights display and other extra-curricular stuff sounds absolutely fabulous.  very kind of medieval in a way that it's including fairy tales.  how enchanting.

hope you're not getting sick.   please take care of you as we move into the new year.  big, warm, loving hug to you, sweetie.  well, i'll have my medi-mask on in case of germs, but the hug will still be genuine.  : )   

DecimalRocket

I can relate to eating as a means of comfort too. It's somehow deeply soothing to munch on the salty taste of a potato chip and its crisp sound.

I guess some things can't be completely avoided when we're stressed. I think relapsing to some kind of addiction is some kind of rest. But not just for physical rest, but for the rest on willpower. To use up willpower with such a streneous effort each day is stressful, and indulging every once and a while is needed.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't work on it in the long term, but I'm sure you're the type to work too hard than laze around too much.

Hope you can rest, Blue. And not get sick again. You really need to take care of yourself these days.

:hug:

Blueberry

 ;) Actually I've been in bed all day, dozing and reading. And allowing myself to do this.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

~ ~ ~ ~

Yesterday a friend's husband, who has had contact with M and F and quite likes them, asked a neutral question about F. I answered. He asked a further question, more about F's plans. I answered that I have almost no contact to M and F atm so I don't know. Friend's h. was then quiet. I hope it stays that way. But still things are whirring in my head. Friend's h. would probably side with M and F. That kind of thing. I dreamt weird things too, not nightmares really, but being aged 12 and trying to get to school on time. Best to let those memories be atm.