Abuser had Multiple Personalities? (major trigger warning)

[lambchxpp]

This might be a very long post and I'm extremely sorry but this is something I would love any and all, advice/opinions about! Especially from someone who has DID (dissociative identity disorder) or someone whom has similar experiences with someone like this.

So, I started dating this boy in March of 2015. We hit it off right away and started dating only a couple days after meeting, we dated for a year in total and up until the beginning of October things were 100% like a fairytale, he was charming and sweet.

However, on October 2nd I noticed him acting very strange and he out of the blue brought up the possibility of involving a third person in our sexual relationship. I was very thrown off, because I know he has the tendency to be extremely flirty and to stray so I did something I feel guilty and ashamed of to this day and I logged into his Facebook and looked at his messages.

What I found is him talking to a mutual friend of ours, we'll call her Jackie. They were discussing violence ... But they were also discussing alters, as in alternate personalities, they were referring to themselves in the third person and using different names for each other and I was completely taken aback and in so much shock and hurt I almost had to be taken to the hospital.

I of course confronted him about this, to which he immediately got upset at me for snooping, told me that it was his alter that had essentially just cheated (However he says it wasn't cheating) and not him so I could not be mad, even further he claimed no knowledge of the night before and when I requested that he look over the chat logs or show them to me he refused and said it was because he was too ashamed to read what his "alter" said. I encouraged him to get help and said it was maybe not the best idea to be speaking to Jackie if that is the side that she brought out. He said he would and then yet again not even 24 hours later I discovered him trying to start up an encounter again.

At this time I was homeschooled and him and Jackie attended the same school, which scared me because in their messages they had discussed real life encounters they could have at school. However, I was looking into transferring there so I guess it was either bad or good timing I can't decide.

A while later and the weekend before I started at the school, I discovered that the affair had been continuing and escalating. I confronted him about it on the phone and then he asked to come over and speak about it, he came over and I was in emotional disarray, I was crying hysterically and begging him to please stop. He seemed to be reassuring and comforting until suddenly he started shaking and not talking to me and was acting weird I tried to ask him what was wrong and he didn't respond, he wordlessly picked me up off the floor where we were sitting put me on the bed and proceeded to pin me down....

I freaked the * out, I tried to wrestle it away from him and get him off me, managing to throw him off the bed and we tumbled onto the floor. At which point my mom knocked on the door and he snapped out of it, returning to normal. When asked about this incident later, he'd say it was his alter and that he couldn' t remember it. And that I couldn't call it abuse, assault or attempted murder even because he wasn't himself.

A week or two later after I'd started at the school and the day before Halloween I was on the phone with him, when I messaged Jackie about what had been going on. She apologized and said she had to show me something upsetting, I said it was okay if she did that I wanted to know the truth and she sent me some texts between her and my then boyfriend. (

I was completely sickened I even think I threw up, my boyfriend was screaming and crying at me to not leave him saying it wasn't true and she was lying and the texts were his alter. I was also informed they slept together a couple of times and the times I was given that they did this, matched up with what I knew about where he'd been from my end.

I stayed with him because I was new at the school, I knew no one else and I was scared and still in love. He proceeded to finally cut Jackie off, turning everyone against her ...

I from her ascended into disarray, I developed severe bulimia, self harm habits and cried nearly every day for the next 6 months we were together. I constantly went back and forth between being utterly in love with him and thinking Jackie was lying, to hating his guts and believing everything.

In the months after Jackie was out of the picture, he'd send me graphic threats over message and then claim it was his alter ... He also assaulted me once again, to the point I had to seek medical treatment but once again said it was his alter.

In April of 2016, we split up finally. I didn't talk to him for a long while until about July when he was getting anonymous messages calling him abusive and he messaged me asking me if I knew anything about it and if I could help him. That was the last straw and I blew up, I confronted him about all the terrible things he'd done to me and he stated that it was a side effect of medication and his other personalities so I wasn't allowed to call it abuse or be angry. I was needless to say, completely appalled and so many people took his side, calling me abusive and toxic for being upset about what had happened, school administration told me it was my fault when I reported him etc.

Its been almost a year since we split and I am still confused about what exactly took place, was it his alter or was it an elaborate cover up. I have no idea and I'd like anyone's opinion, I know I'll never get closure but I'd like at least some of these pieces to fit together.

[Candid]

Hi lambchxpp, and welcome to our forum!

Its been almost a year since we split and I am still confused about what exactly took place, was it his alter or was it an elaborate cover up.

I would say the latter. Multiple Personality Disorder (now known as DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder) is extremely rare, and in those texts 'Jackie' actually says the shared boyfriend has no symptoms. From what you've said they sound like wannabe-psychopaths, and you don't mention proof of an official diagnosis. I'm betting there isn't one. It's very convenient to say: "It wasn't me who attacked you, it was my alter", isn't it?

I know I'll never get closure but I'd like at least some of these pieces to fit together.

There are better ways of laying the matter to rest than going over and over it in your mind, but that's a stage we all go through after prolonged abuse, usually looking for how we contributed to it and beating ourselves up for not getting out sooner. With time you might feel ready to practise thought-stopping http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=5954.msg37909#msg37909, and focusing your attention on what you want now and for the future.

I also wonder about your childhood and why you would be attracted to these people.

Keep reading and posting. We're a great community, all with difficult pasts, and you'll find a lot of good ideas here.

[Three Roses]

Welcome to the forum, lambchxpp

While none of us here can diagnose your ex, we can certainly support you in your quest for personal healing.

There is so much info here, and Candid has given you an excellent starting point. You can start there, and continue where it leads, asking questions along the way.

I hope you find contort here, and the acceptance that many of us have found so validating and healing. Thanks for joining! 

[lambchxpp]

Hi lambchxpp, and welcome to our forum!

Its been almost a year since we split and I am still confused about what exactly took place, was it his alter or was it an elaborate cover up.

I would say the latter. Multiple Personality Disorder (now known as DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder) is extremely rare, and in those texts 'Jackie' actually says the shared boyfriend has no symptoms. From what you've said they sound like wannabe-psychopaths, and you don't mention proof of an official diagnosis. I'm betting there isn't one. It's very convenient to say: "It wasn't me who attacked you, it was my alter", isn't it?

Ahh!! Okay, I guess that is what I kind of figured, throughout the entire thing I did read up on DID and it was generally stated that it was rare and also noted that many people use it as a coverup. And yeah, I never saw any proof? I mean, he did get sent to a psychotherapist apparently but I know he refused to participate in it because the therapist wanted him to take full responsibility for his actions. Thank you for your input, I guess I wanted an unbiased opinion because it is easy for me to feel as if I'm crazy at times.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome Lambchop     I just wanted to add that OOTS members have a stress disorder (Complex PTSD) which can involve a degree of dissociation, but it is not an identity disorder or DID in which dissociation is the prime symptom.  So there probably isn't much anyone can tell you about it, but certainly we can relate to the experience of being traumatized/abused by someone significant in our lives.   

As Three Roses has said, while we can't diagnose anyone else we can support you in recovering from CPTSD if you think that's what you have developed.  There's a brief outline of the symptoms here - http://www.outofthestorm.website/symptoms/ if you want to check. 



 


 

[Coco]

Hi Lambchop 

There is some controversy around DID, whether it is a real condition or not, and how common it is. DID is frequently portrayed in the movies in a sensationalised manner, usually with an alter being quite violent. This creates a lot of stigma and additional pain for people suffering DID. DID is much more common than we are led to believe, and I can assure you it is real.

My take on the things you wrote is that your boyfriend actually does have DID, to be honest with you. Based on little things you've said and reported he's said and done, I think there is a really good chance he genuinely does have it.

DID occurrs when a young person endures extreme trauma, and the mind splits to protect the core self. The alters are not minor fragments, but complete, whole, entire people with different roles, ages, genders, names, personalities, goals, tastes, voices, even accents. There can be animal alters. There can be promiscuous teenage alters living in the bodies of married women, for example. There can be alters who self harm. There are child alters called 'littles' who are literal children, and when they are in charge of the body they eat lollies and play with toys and have the voice and mannerisms of a child. The alters often hold memories away from the core persona to protect the core.

An alter can be triggered to come forth and take over the body, and when that happens, the main host personality (your boyfriend) has literally zero memory of what the alter has done.
 
The original self your boyfriend was as a baby, might not even be the one you know as your boyfriend. Your boyfriend's personality might be an alter within the system. It is literally like multiple people living within one body and sharing the body. They take over the body and do the things they want to do within it. There is often a main 'host' personality, who tries to run day to day life. If your boyfriend is the one who is 'out' most, he is probably the main host.

The alter who took over and had those liasons with Jackie, was a completely different person than your boyfriend. The one who hijacked the body to be with and text Jackie, is a whole, complete person separate to your boyfriend. The guy or girl who fooled around with Jackie had no loyalty to you or connection with you because it was not the same person you were in a relationship with. The alter liked Jackie. That's actually fair enough, that alter has the right to be with who he or she wants to be with, but of course that is disastrous, painful and confusing for you.

I would say that your boyfriend was being genuine when he was saying he didn't remember the chats, didn't want to read over them, couldn't remember sleeping with Jackie, and was screaming in pain when you said you were leaving him because it wasn't him who had done the deeds. Because it wasn't him and people with DID do lose time constantly.

However - how dreadful, painful and confusing for you!!!!!!!!! Even if he does have DID, it doesn't magically make it OK for you.

There are people who are married to people with DID and have to grapple with, and come to terms with, this exact scenario. An alter having an affair.

It is tricky for the people married or in a relationship with  a person with DID to separate their natural feelings of betrayal from their logical, conscious knowledge about alters.

Just know that him 'cheating on you' was not actually personal and not actually him. It's like if his friend or brother had the affair with Jackie. This may help you feel better about it. I'm not saying strike up another relationship with him, but maybe you can process your pain in a different way with less confusion if you look into DID on the web a bit.

[Blueberry]

Hello Lambchxpps,
I do have some personal experience in this. I don't have DID but for a while docs and therapists thought I maybe had something approaching that (ego states). A few years ago I got re-traumatised and dissociated completely. I even had to go onto a closed ward for a few days. During that time and in the weeks afterward, I did talk about myself in the 3rd person (so as not to re-trigger myself -  "I" was just too close for comfort) and in the worst of it like when I was being admitted on the closed ward I talked about which of my inner children were doing what and causing what.

I was in a terrible state, I have next to no memories of the time on the closed ward (although I had no medication other than my normal) and the few memories I do have show me that I was very confused, I didn't know why I was there or where I was. I was also having hallucinations. I lined up to get my medications though I had already been in the line and had them, same with meals off the meal trolley. I had to be brought back home (a long journey), there is no way I could've done it on my own, slipping in and out of reality and speaking to people who didn't exist. Once I got home, I was able to function a bit better but it did take me a couple of weeks to totally come back to reality and stop talking to people who didn't exist or not remembering if a friend had just dropped by or had I imagined it. I also had help during that time. Full-time live-in help.

The reason I'm telling you this is: I really don't think that your boyfriend could've functioned for months on end if he was so dissociated he couldn't even control his "alter". Having a psychological problem does not give anyone leave to treat other people badly. Some of us may do this inadvertently (as anybody else with or without a stress disorder may do) but I have to take responsibility for what I do that hurts other people unless they're hurt because I set a limit or say "No." Attacking, assaulting, cheating on, lying, denying: none of that is setting a limit.

Not calling what he did abuse or assault just because he claimed it was done by his alter sounds like a big cover-up. Even if had alters, it's all one body isn't it? If he knew his actions could turn out that dangerous then he shouldn't have involved himself in relationships. That is his responsibility, instead of passing the buck on to you.

If you read around on here, you'll discover that many of us have been hurt by family members or partners who did not take responsibility for their actions, but scapegoated us instead. I hope you feel validated on here and see that not you were crazy but your boyfriend's actions. And possibly him too, but I can't diagnose that.

[Blueberry]

Coco is right with the explanation of DID which shows that it is probably something a bit different to what I suffered that time.
People can have DID, as far as I know, and manage to live with it. On the other hand in inpatient treatment I've witnessed people who claimed to have it and used it to excuse behaviour ( e.g. that was my 16 year old who smoked cigs in a treatment centre  where smoking not allowed under any circumstances) and others who didn't claim to have it but were found some weird place and no idea how they got there. These ones weren't permanently jumping in and out of alters, but just dissociating like the rest of us with C-PTSD.

But if as Coco suggests, you can see that his cheating on you wasn't really personal, then yes that might help you feel less hurt by it all, less as if you're the one who's crazy etc.  Good luck.

[mourningdove]

Hi Lamb!

I freaked the * out, I tried to wrestle it away from him and get him off me, managing to throw him off the bed and we tumbled onto the floor. At which point my mom knocked on the door and he snapped out of it, returning to normal. When asked about this incident later, he'd say it was his alter and that he couldn' t remember it. And that I couldn't call it abuse, assault or attempted murder even because he wasn't himself.

He's got it completely wrong. You *do* get to call it abuse because it *was* abuse even if he has DID. His body did those things. And it sounds suspicious to me that he wouldn't be upset himself about the way his "alter" was hurting and scaring you. Sorry that you had to go through such a terrifying and heartbreaking experience.

[Coco]

I am a bit concerned about some of the judgments and statements being made in this thread. I don't wish to offend anyone but I feel compelled to offer another perspective.
I'd like to suggest that people with DID are not making excuses when they say an alter did it. If it is genuinely DID, alters DO take over and do things. I don't think every alter in the system has to take responsibility for things they have no memory of and would never do themselves.
If I had DID, and one day I dissociated, another alter came to the front and ate all the food in my house, I would 'wake up' and see that all the food had been eaten. I would feel sick in my body, I would put on weight, I would feel so scared and out of control. I would have all the consequences of the behavior and have to deal with that and be expected to be held accountable for it, but it wasn't me who did it. It's like being held responsible for something you did while sleepwalking. It is ultimately the responsibility of the DID system to get its act together but that requires help.

It is also, surprisingly, untrue that people with DID can't function relatively normally if they can't control alters yet. We can't control our CPTSD symptoms, but we can still walk around and have relationships and work sometimes. Many people with DID attend school, work, have successful careers, have kids, families, etc, all while they can't control the switching. Many of them have an alter whose job it is to go to work or school and appear normal. That alter is an entire person with its own name, gender, personality traits. The alters themselves often feel sad that they have to hide and pretend to be the original person. Many of them think it is normal to have 15 people inside, and think that everyone's mind is like that.

For some people with DID, full integration is the goal. For others, integration is not the goal and they just want co-operation from all the alters so that no alters burst forth and go on a huge drinking spree or other destructive activities. The alters who DO engage in self-harming behaviors are the same as the unconscious parts of us with CPTSD who do things we don't understand - they are pockets of intense pain, and that intense pain is kept secret from the rest of the mind to protect it.

I know DID is a confusing disorder and very difficult to get your head around. One metaphor is that the mind is like a smashed mirror with separate shards of glass. It is very difficult to receive adequate treatment for DID as well. People with DID also have CPTSD. DID is an extreme response to trauma. It is not fair to expect them to be able to control it or blame them for not being able to control it. They need very extensive therapy and help - DID is a version of CPTSD on overdrive.

Would I want a relationship with someone with untreated DID? No.

In no way am I saying you deserved all that negative treatment, Lamb, or that you don't have the right to call it what it is. But I do want to advocate a little for your boyfriend and all others who have DID. I agree it was unfair of him to dismiss your experience and suggest to you that you couldn't feel your feelings about it, simply because it wasn't 'him'. That's unfair to you, grossly unfair.

This:

"He seemed to be reassuring and comforting until suddenly he started shaking and not talking to me and was acting weird I tried to ask him what was wrong and he didn't respond, he wordlessly picked me up off the floor where we were sitting put me on the bed and proceeded to pin me down...."

is a perfect example of him switching alters. You yourself saw another person come out. The part that came out is a Protector, bought forth by the overwhelm of the situation and the hysterical crying. The Protector stepped forward and took over the consciousness because its job is to protect your boyfriend from situations he can't deal with, to protect him from confusion and overwhelm that reminds him of the original traumas.  The personality that pinned you down is a part of him, but it is split off from the rest of him. It formed out of pain and formed for a good reason. Protectors will do things like pin people down because they don't care about anything except protecting and controlling the situation. That must have been horrifying for you.


Lamb, what was your upbringing like? Do you have a background of trauma? Your responses of developing bulimia, self harm, becoming hysterical, staying with this boy despite the dreadful treatment etc, all suggest that you yourself may be someone who has been quite hurt as a youngster and perhaps could use this event in your life as a catalyst for self healing.

[mourningdove]

Just to be clear, in light of Coco's last post: DID is real. Alters are real. I did not mean that I am suspicious of that reality. I put the word "alter" in quotes because none of us have any way of knowing if this individual really experiences DID, and I remain suspicious of what he said, because I think that he sounds manipulative - whether he has DID or not. What I do know for sure is that what he/they did to Lamb was wrong.