Still waiting

[Candid]

you can't do it wrong - only they can.

That's what worries me! But I see what you mean. Just go along however I happen to be on the day, with the filled-out questionnaire. The 'right' therapist ought to be able to see through any bravado I might have going on... and lord knows I don't want another of the many 'wrong' ones. Eyessoblue's experience has shown me I need to avoid making a too-quick decision as to right or wrong. That always feels like a tough call re. the instinct injury/boundaries issue.

we'll all be with you.  big hug.

I know. I have a huge welling-up of gratitude for the level of support and caring here. When RL fails, as it has for me for a very long time now, my FOC here gives me the strength and the insights not to descend into Hopeless.

[Candid]

Well whaddya know, I'm back on this thread!

The assessment-for-trauma-therapy doctor was very nice, I liked her on sight.  As some of you know, I'm running on a couple of hours' (if any) sleep a night atm.  It's become interesting, daily diary entries just running into each other, if you know what I mean.  Last night was odd, because on my ONE Pill B (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6094.0 page 5 post 35, if you can be bothered...) I dropped around 9.30 and woke bang on midnight.  You might say I'm living the dream, in which I get an 'alert' when I'm about to cross the road.

She told me after half an hour that I don't fit the profile for PTSD.  Of course I did our spiel.  She had a tick-box list of my traumas -- wish I'd photocopied that, because on a full A4 page there were only four or five where I ticked "doesn't apply to me".  Nowhere on that list was there anything about long-term interpersonal trauma or ACE.

She quite rightly observed that the present bout of acute insomnia (in decades of chronic) is overlaying everything else.  She understood when I said the cigarettes and coffee are what enabled me to hold a job all those years, and presently, to do anything at all.  (Coffee is now decaf only, which has some caffeine in it, and none at all after noon.  Cigarettes are on the way out.)

She agreed that I have CPTSD. 

She told me that the waiting list for trauma therapy is eight months long.  From NOW.  Yes, she was aware I've already waited (officially and on record) for the eight months since January, and she apologised for that.  I cited Eyessoblue's experience as a comparison, but I was already fully aware it depends on where you are in the UK.  (So now we know, Eyessoblue, we won't be sitting unawares in the same waiting room!)

She further said she would recommend psychotherapy, not trauma therapy, to start with.  She's going to call me next Tuesday, and asked me to list my many psychological interventions to figure out what helped and what didn't.  Naturally I did that in the attic overnight, and it was a salutory experience.

In the meantime, she was going to "have a think about it" and consult her colleagues.

The catch is -- and I'm sure you realised there would be one -- the place where she works doesn't do psychotherapy.  She knows a place that does, and the people there, but naturally she couldn't predict when I might be able to see someone.

When I got 'home' I asked MIL How did it go? because she'd been to a funeral.  So I heard about that (I'm having a LOT of trouble listening to detailed accounts these days!), then she asked me how I got on, and I told her it's still  this year, next year, sometime, never.

I am always coherent in writing, albeit long-winded.  I wrote a BBT episode in the middle of the night under anaesthetic right after facial reconstruction surgery.  I told H last night, I've actually written underwater.  He looked dubious, so I reminded him I lived for years close to the Great Barrier Reef, where divers are sometimes issued slates and special pens.

Writing is the last thing to go.  And BTW, a guernsey (Aussie slang) to Younger Sis for bringing me a wee notebook and pen while I was in the nuthouse about 25 years ago for my first bout of acute.

It's up to me, then.  Of course it is.  If I hadn't got that through my skull by now I was never going to get it -- and I realise  I wouldn't have it any other way.   

[Blueberry]

She agreed that I have CPTSD. 

on the further 8 months wait though!

[Eyessoblue]

Hey candid, glad your appointment went well and the diagnosis but the wait is rubbish! Obviously we won't be sitting in the same waiting room lol!  I'm wondering if they'll suggest EMDR for you? That seems to be the latest "fix" in the uk for ptsd/trauma and I have to say it does work, I'm on a bit of a go slow with it due to disassociation I've yet again learned to pull that invisible blanket over my eyes when I dont want to remember, but my psychologist is lovely and wants to do 6 weeks of trauma therapy ( talking) then go back into EMDR and process all the crap that has come up with it. I have processed a lot of things and it's worked really well and can't access it anymore at all which is pretty amazing! I just wanted to say if they do offer it to you definitely give it a go, I was more then reluctant to do it but am glad that I have. Good luck and hope the waiting is shorter then the 8 months, I was obviously very lucky with my short wait.

[sanmagic7]

candid, i'm so happy for you that you finally got the correct diagnosis.  like the others, i hate the fact that you'll have to wait so long before you can actually get in to see someone.  that totally sucks.

hang tough, sweetie - you know we're hanging right beside you.   hopefully, that talk with her colleagues will produce some quicker results for you.  big loving hug to you.

[Candid]

Eyessoblue, she refused EMDR at this stage --  I'm dissociating badly because I'm not sleeping -- and she agreed with what your T did: halting EMDR temporarily to slow things down and work with psychotherapy on processing what had come up for you.

I had EMDR for a couple of years 2012-2013 and made no headway, being in constant crisis as people with CPTSD tend to be. The T I saw this week did confirm that (as I thought at the time) the previous EMDR T's technique wouldn't have shifted a thing; she could have been waving her drumstick in my face for a couple of decades and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. 

So probably no more EMDR for me, at least for a very long while, seeing as the psychotherapy to prepare me for it isn't on the books yet! 

It seems every few years I have some doctor tell me, with a straight face and not missing a beat, that I'm too unwell right now for them to help me.  I doubt I'm the only person on the forum who's heard that.  Is it me, or is this more of the lol madness people with CPTSD live with? You're right.  I know :lightbulb:, how about I go away and get back to you when I'm better?

[Eyessoblue]

Candid, it's ridiculous isn't it, like seriously how unwell do you need to be before they can help you, surely you fit a 'criteria" that you need to be seen sooner rather then later, I guess as I keep saying I have been lucky with hardly any waiting and really must depend on where you live as to the help you get. Keeping my fingers crossed that you're wait isn't as long as they say it will be.

[Candid]

Thanks, Eyessoblue.  I'm doing some work on my own now, because clearly I have no option.  I've been in this situation more times than I care to think about.  There's something about "one door closes, another one slams in your face" that galvanises whatever energy I have left and moves me forward.

So here I am, doomed to be ever the baby who cried and nobody came.  I'm okay with that -- in fact I'm not sure how I'd cope if someone did.

[Candid]

Thanks for popping in here, hereforhope, and for your good wishes.

Thank you for the support you gave me. I dont think I deserve it.

You don't need to deserve it, but of course it's up to you what you do with it.

Hope therapy goes well...

For the latest update, see my Letter to a therapist, http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=7545.0

Four copies of that letter are going out today; two more have gone out via email.  Activism is where it's at for me now.

[sanmagic7]

you go, girl!  can't keep a good woman down, as some wise friend said to me.  hah!

[LittleBird]

That's quite the journey since arriving in the UK, Candid. Thanks for sharing. You strike me as incredibly strong, in terms of how much and for how long you have persevered.

I couldn't follow the link either, but am intrigued to hear what you've said to the psychotherapist.

Keep going and when possible - rest. I know there are times when this can't happen, but perhaps you could find little ways of allowing this.