New 2 group & at end of rope smiling outside.

[Jb4]

I am new to this forum. I am in a stuck state & very confused and even having trouble communicating however I have to get it together within a few hours when I pick my children up from my trigger.
There are new court dates causing triggers & the night terrors that I had been able to hide.
I can't talk to anyone and just want to walk into the woods with a tent and stay until I have turned back into nature again.
I have to fake everything right now and need to numb myself quickly but have no idea how because I live in a very rural area & can not seek help without my "trigger" using it against me in court to continue the victimization of me and my children and family.
These people have access to ALL confidential records by using influence and appointment of positions and good old fashioned money to bury the long history of there dirty little lies.
I need to be rescued by anyone who won't judge or pity me or say "oh, you are so strong you've made it this far just fake it till you make it", that is all I ever do is fake life!!!
Now I have fake everything so well when I crash a lot will tumble!
I don't want to be close to anyone!
I want to be invisible and sleep life away until it is just over!
Anyone have any quotes or ideas?
I haven't showered in two days!
I haven't used substances to numb myself but want to!
I've never been a drinker but feel like it today even though I hate alcohol.
I am out of Xanax until tomorrow & cant even bare to stand up right now and I have to!
Is anyone out there?
If this is an inappropriate post I apologize in advance.
I just don't know where to go for help?
If I trigger anyone that is not my intention!
I've been told in groups in the past not to share my truth because it is a trigger for others and in private sessions they wrote I was to eclectic and open and told them to much.
How can you tell a therapist to much about what you have gone through?
Am I not really supposed to tell all in therapy to heal?
Where do I go and what do I do?
Stuck!

[A_Girl_You_Dont_Know]

I can't talk to anyone and just want to walk into the woods with a tent and stay until I have turned back into nature again.
I have to fake everything right now and need to numb myself ...
I don't want to be close to anyone!
I want to be invisible and sleep life away until it is just over!...

Okay so seriously I was just at the park by this isolated pond I have been going to for years when people just feel too much and today was thinking I wish I could just dissolve into the trees and pond and birds around me. I was also thinking how my daughter is too good for me. I've been struggling too and could really relate to what you've written. I also feel like I'm faking all the time and so numb.   

I will say substances to numb is a slippery slope that almost ruined my life as did self injury. You're already hurting badly. You deserve to be treated well. Try some self soothing. Do something nice for yourself that you enjoy. You may be in EF. You are hurting and need love. Treat yourself.

[sanmagic7]

hey, jb4, welcome, and so glad you're here.  and, yes, we're here for you - you're not calling into a black hole.

that faking it stuff gets so wearing!  i've often thought, myself, of just going to live in a cave, leave the rest behind.  but, with responsibilities, that never happened.  as it hasn't happened for you, as much as you might wish for it.  sucks!

no, your post is not inappropriate at all.  i'm glad you found a place where you can spew some of the poison of fear and confusion out of you.  we are all part of the universe here, and the poison gets taken care of so you don't have to worry about it.  if you're ever concerned about writing about something that might trigger someone, just put 'tw' or 'trigger warning' at the beginning. 

i don't know why a therapist would tell you you're sharing too much about what's going on with you.  how else would a therapist know what is distressing you, what direction to take, how to enlist your help in getting to where you want to go?  that just doesn't make sense to me.

you did just fine here.  i hate that you have to worry about your trigger being around, about what that might mean for everyday life, not to mention courts and such.  yes, you may be having an ef as beloved_unlovable suggested.   have you seen any of pete walker's websites on ef's, and what to do when you're in one?  i don't have a link, but you can put his name in the subject line of your browser along with EF, and something will come up that might be helpful.

i hope you can take care of yourself as best you can.  i agree to be kind to yourself.  i hope you keep posting.  this is a very warm and welcoming community who can relate to what you're describing, and won't tell you to 'fake it till you make it'.  too many of us have been on that train for too long.  i've found such kindness and caring here, it's helped me more than i can say.  warm, gentle hug to you.