Wife with personality disorder I think and feel trapped...

[Mikeb44]

 Never posted here but my therapist thought I should give it a try. So stay with me here...

I have been with my wife for 4 years and married for a year and a half. I fell in love with her because she was so upbeat and able to carry herself high. After a few months with her I starting noticing things that seemed to be traits not desirable but I thought that was normal. Further along I started seeing the real side of her. She would put on a facade for everyone she wasn't close with and be happy and outgoing but once she was home it was all negative and complaining.

Now I have made my share of mistakes and I kept something from her I shouldn't have. So for a year I worked on my issues and it was painful trying to repair our relationship and repair myself. I felt like I finally got to a good place personally and felt like I could keep going.

Fast forward a few years later and the negativity turned to attacking, verbal abuse and isolation. Every little thing that doesn't go her way or does not happen to plan she freaks out and takes it out on me. If I ask her to stop she tells me that I have no right to say that and I have no empathy for her. So now I stay silent.

Tonight really made me rethink our entire marriage. I hate giving up but I have tried everything. I said something that was wrong but innocuous and she turned it into a big issue where she wanted me to listen and say what she wanted to hear. I tried to just take it but even being silent and listening she called me immature and a baby for not talking or giving an answer.

I'm at the end of my rope and feel very alone and trapped. I have no idea what to do except leave but I don't know if that's my frustration talking or just the fight or flight talking. To add to this I am battling depression that I have been diagnosed with and taking meds for. Any help or even just to know I'm not alone would be appreciated.

[Three Roses]

Hi Mikeb44, welcome to the forum!

I'm just waking up but wanted to respond to your post asap. It sounds like you feel in love with a person who doesn't exist.

I fell in love with her because she was so upbeat and able to carry herself high....

she turned it into a big issue where she wanted me to listen and say what she wanted to hear. I tried to just take it but even being silent and listening she called me immature and a baby for not talking or giving an answer.

These are not the same person. One was a facade, as you say, and you can't live your life with a person who is just a decoy.

My suggestion would be to see if she is willing to work on her own issues. Maybe she has an undiagnosed personality disorder or maybe she has severe anxiety, but either way if she's not going to do her share of the emotional work, you are not responsible for her. I would not stay, if it were me.

The other thing I want to make sure you know is that we have another forum, Out of the Fog, for people involved with personality disordered loved ones - you'd be welcome to post & read there too; http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/

We welcome you and hope you find this community as helpful and supportive as so many of us have. Thanks for joining! 

[sanmagic7]

hey, mike,

no, you're not alone.  i had a hub (now ex) who was very entertaining to everyone, but behind closed doors his rage made itself known. 

i agree with 3 roses that the woman you fell in love with is not real.  is couples counseling an option?  in a relationship, it takes two - either for enabling or healing purposes.   

glad you posted.  this forum has been so helpful for me, full of kind, caring, and supportive people.  hope to hear more of your journey.  best wishes for everything, and sorry you have had to endure this jekyll and hyde thing.  it's the pits.

[Mikeb44]

Thank you for all of the supportive words. I guess this has been going on so long that I have gotten into the habit of thinking it is always my fault things are not working. Unfortunately she wont admit nor approach her issues with me as I want to do this together. She has even gone as far to say that me going to a therapist is stupid and its always a circular conversation. I have fond the therapistis the only one I can be real around and speak my true feelings without getting crucified.

I am unsure how to talk to her alone as everything is turned back on me in one wa or another. Or the event that she claims ruined our life she brings that back up to make me feel bad. I know that I did something wrong and that is not ok but it has been 2 years and all I have been doing is trying to improve yet all she sees is a screw up. I am not sure how to get past this nor even make a move because it seems to always backfire. I need her to go to therapy with me yet she always thinks the therapist is against her...not sure this will ever get better.

[Three Roses]