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[LittleBoyMe]

Hello. I was diagnosed with CPTSD 23rd December 2015. The reason I have this is between the ages of 5 and 13, my adopted mother persistently tortured me. Thel trauma affected my education, relationship and impacted my adult life greatly. I am 51. I have had therapy which was very difficult for me as I had kept everything locked away from all people. I wanted to spare others their imagination. I am currently writing a book about my experiences as I was told it would be good for my healing and I must say it is helping although it is tough at times. The book will be made up of 3 parts, my childhood, my adulthood and my experience with seeking help and how it has affected me today. Thank you for allowing me this space.

[Blueberry]

Welcome here 

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome! I am sorry to hear what you've been thru. You've found a group of people who can really empathize though - who can validate your pain instead of trying to minimize it or explain it away.

I hope you get the same sense of belonging and support that so many of us have found here. Thanks for joining! 

[LittleBoyMe]

Thank you Three Roses. Do you know for many years I thought I was the only person this was happening to! It was once I had been diagnosed that the magnitude of the problem and how many others were trying to get through each day as I was and do. Selfishly, I was relieved to know there were others suffering as I was, to be able to speak to people who understand how it is and share experiences, coping mechanisms and therapy etc is wonderful.

[woodsgnome]

Hi, LittleBoyMe.

Something you wrote twinged one of my scars. That's the m[other] issue; adopted or not (I'm no longer sure which was mine, actually--although adopted makes me feel better somehow).

Anyway, it's always been hard for me to go there, especially in a culture that teaches 'women don't abuse'. This was so common in the circles I was in that I took to lying about the m and brushing it all away by saying she'd died when I was 7 and strongly hinted that I wanted to hear no more about it and would not discuss it. In fact, of course, I was grieving but the true cause remained hidden. I don't hide it anymore; try to avoid it, but I also no longer care what others think, as it was my experience, not theirs, and it's easier on me if I don't hide it.

Guess the reason I'm saying this is just to stem the loneliness you indicated you had with this. At first I was surprised, then relieved to find, since joining this forum, how many others were abused by those not 'supposed' to be of that ilk. In my case, I experienced abuse and molestation from both men and women at religious schools and a lot of my recovery/re-framing has involved those times. It didn't help that even after I though I was safe and 'grown up' I was attacked while in a park.

My takeaway is that abusers come from all sorts; there isn't a defined 'type'; which is alright for my mind's sake, but it also fed my fear of all people, regardless of gender, status, etc. That fear, despite having been in a people-oriented vocation, I find crippling (even in physical ways) to a point stretching beyond hyper-vigilance and is probably my greatest scar from those years still in need of healing.

Nice to see you here.

[LittleBoyMe]

Thank you woodsgnome. The one person who I looked for love, affection and protection was the person doing the abusing, so because of who it was, I had no one to run to or talk to. If it had been anyone other than her, I could have run to her for protection. Once I realised the abuse was going to be persistent I told myself that I was unlovable. Even as an adult I see me as a child saying 'please stop hurting me mummy'

Like you, I have serious issues with other humans especially authority figures. After 29 years of marriage, I will still pull away from my wife if she tries to touch me because as a big adult, I can runaway