I miss the person I used to be? Advice?

[lambchxpp]

I left my most recent abuser almost exactly a year ago now, and since then I've been trying so hard to recover the person I used to be before we were dating and before the trauma. I was gentle and easygoing and honestly? I thought of myself as a generally very positive and good person. But since then I'm disgusted with myself and my actions, I'm emotional, obsessive and awkward. I find myself spending an unreasonable amount of time thinking about how to get revenge on my abuser, and I even have already gotten in trouble at one point because after the split I made a joke about him to a couple friends in private and it ended up getting leaked and he saw it. A year or two ago, something like that would have been unthinkable for me to do.

My abuser has gone out of his way to frame me as someone that is manipulative, vindictive and aggressive, even though during the relationship and before I was the EXACT opposite. And I'm scared that I've accidentally played right into his narrative, I feel ashamed and guilty. Any advice for trying to regain identity after a trauma and during recovery from C-PTSD?

[Candid]

It sounds as though you're not giving yourself credit for where you are now, lambchxpp.

I've been trying so hard to recover the person I used to be before we were dating and before the trauma.

You've grown and changed since then. It needn't be a painful thing. I had a head injury about 18 months ago and had to give up university, which I was enjoying very much and doing well at. Only recently have I been able to stop grieving for the student me and start to accept that things have moved on; that I have moved on, albeit in a direction I wouldn't have chosen.

I was gentle and easygoing and honestly? I thought of myself as a generally very positive and good person.

None of that has gone away. You can be a good person who's behaved badly. Everyone does sometimes, especially under extreme provocation.

I find myself spending an unreasonable amount of time thinking about how to get revenge on my abuser...

I think that's inevitable. It's a way of expressing the anger you haven't been able to express to him. It will fade with time, but you need some coping strategies now.

after the split I made a joke about him to a couple friends in private and it ended up getting leaked and he saw it.

These are questionable friends, maybe, but I'm guessing they don't like him either. And if he was hurt by what he saw... good! No harm done.

A year or two ago, something like that would have been unthinkable for me to do.

My abuser has gone out of his way to frame me as someone that is manipulative, vindictive and aggressive, [...] And I'm scared that I've accidentally played right into his narrative, I feel ashamed and guilty.

My recommendation is that you do your best not to ruminate on what other people think of you, especially those people who've done you harm. For some reason, trying too hard to prove someone wrong often leads to proving them right. It sets up a niggling doubt, right?

.... even though during the relationship and before I was the EXACT opposite.

The "exact opposite" might mean you were unassertive, endlessly forgiving and too passive. This is where I say you're growing and changing. You haven't become the person he said you were -- and told others, apparently, which means he had a smear campaign going on; instead you've learned that you need to defend your boundaries. Here's how to do it:

When he pops into your head, which he'll continue to for a while yet, tell him: "I'm finished with you. Go away."

Stop mixing what other people think of you with harsh criticism of yourself. "What other people think of me is none of my business."

Start affirming what a beautiful, intelligent, caring, growing and changing person you are.

You're still the same lovely person you've always been, just dealing with some tough emotions right now. Best wishes! 

[sanmagic7]

hey, lambchop,

i, too, have been through that obsessive thinking of wanting revenge, how to go about it, who to tell what my ex is really like, etc., etc.  argh!  it consumed me at times, and in reality, it served no purpose except to keep me mentally involved with him, keep me connected to him in a neg. way.

i read in van der kolk's book the body keeps the score that this is called 'revisiting' by him.  that struck a chord with me, big time.  i had eliminated my ex from my life because it was a neg. situation/relationship, but i was the one who continued to 'revisit' him and the relationship.

it helped me to cut this down because every time i discovered myself doing it again, i would be able to stop myself by saying to myself that i was revisiting.  it was like it kind of woke me up, made me mindful of what i was truly doing, and helped me stop much more quickly.  i continue to use it (cuz i haven't completely quit involving myself yet) and the time i spend thinking about him and revenge is much, much less now.

maybe that might help for you as well.  i do hope you can stop being so hard on yourself for this - it's not uncommon, and we're so used to having these neg. emotions/words running through our minds that i guess we sometimes even put them there ourselves.  we're the ones who need to put on the brakes now so that we actually eliminate all the negativity from that relationship.

i do believe that in time you'll get your very own true self back.  i think you're going through the process of letting go, and that can be a bumpy ride for awhile.  i have no doubt you'll make it.  best to you with this.  it can be really aggravating!   big hug.