My list of boundaries

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marycontrary

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My list of boundaries
« on: December 02, 2014, 12:52:36 PM »
Ever since I learned what a boundary was 3 years ago, I have cultivated a list of 4 that I want to share. More may be added, but this is what I have come up with so far.

1. Issues with lying
-----That is, compulsively misrepresenting oneself and/or circumstances.
------Why? Because you have to know whom you are dealing with to make informed choices. When somebody lies, they have taken that choice away from you
2. Issues with addiction
----That is, involvement with a compulsive activity that affects one's job, home, finances, or relationships. Not just substances.
------Why? Because addictions always involve narcissistic, selfish behavior. This is always lying (boundary #1), a lack of empathy for those affected (boundary #3) and recklessness (boundary #4).

3. Problems processing empathy.
-----Why? If  a person has issues "getting you" and seeing your point of view, there is a loose screw and I need to distance myself. If you have to explain repeatedly your point of view, cause that just ain't getting it, time to RUN. You will always be at the short end of the stick, because people who are empathetic make efforts to understand your perspective.

4. Problems with reckless behavior.
-----Part of this is typical anti social destructive behavior like DWI, wild spending, taking dangerous risks, etc. That is always a liability.

However,  as a caregiver for elderly or infirm family in the past, a lot of these people revert to childlike behavior and become reckless. Examples are driving when under medication or mental impairment, not eating, letting an infection or illness escalate from something minor to something life threatening, leaving the stove on, etc. These people have needs far greater than what any one person can offer, and need to be in an assisted care facility. I personally cannot handle this behavior any more. I did it many times to great damage to myself, and somebody else needs to handle it.

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As a result of sticking to my guns, I have had to let many, many toxic people go, including  all of my FOO. Understand, I am the devil incarnate to these people, but I could give a rat's * at this point. They had their chance, and blew it.

But as a result, much stress has been lifted off and I am recovering in major ways every day. And I have healthier relationships.

 How about you? What are your boundaries?

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Bluevermonter

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Re: My list of boundaries
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2014, 10:52:27 PM »
A nice list there, Mary.

I would add financial boundaries.  I have been burned numerous times by lending money never paid back.  My new rule : if you can't afford it, save, borrow from a bank, or live without.

Also, how they manage their money is subject to scrutiny by me.  For example, living from paycheck to paycheck would be a non-starter for me now in acquiring a friend or SO.

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alovelycreature

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Re: My list of boundaries
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2014, 01:06:20 AM »
Hey Mary! I'm glad that you are able to stick to your boundaries. It sucks getting rid of toxic people, but fortunately you start finding all the healthy ones :)

I have similar boundaries as you, I also have developed:

-people who have personal space boundaries. I get flash backs from people who are to touchy feely and are not VERY close with me. I tend to find these people have boundary issues in general that make me uncomfortable.

-people who disrespect my time. Like, showing up late, canceling plans at the last second, etc.

-people who don't treat me the way I want to be treated. I know the common saying is, "treat others how you want to be treated." I hate this saying because everyone wants to be treated differently and I shouldn't put my wants on others. I treat others how THEY want to be treated, so I want others to treat me how I want to be treated.

-people who tell me how I should feel. Anyone who really just has control issues.

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Badmemories

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Re: My list of boundaries
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2014, 10:30:46 AM »
 :wave:

Amazing when You start to set boundaries then they start falling off like fleas on a dog with flea powder! Really a Good sign that they did NOT love or respect You anyway!  :stars:

Keep on keeping on!  ;) :hug:

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Whobuddy

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Re: My list of boundaries
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2014, 11:21:16 AM »
This discussion gives me a lot of hope. What a shift in thinking because I was always blaming myself for others bad behaviors. I thought I brought the bad out in them and if only I responded correctly they would stop. I never saw that the fault was theirs and my response should have been to leave!

I think I got the idea that it was up to me to change people's bad behavior because since earliest memory my sister had these violent mood swings. I would first have to read the signs to see what mood she was in and then respond by giving her space and/or kindness until she became "normal." This gave me the impression that I was the reason for a good or violent behavior. Oh boy, I really have to relearn things.

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Badmemories

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Re: My list of boundaries
« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2014, 11:43:05 AM »
 :wave: Who buddy,

I think the number ONE thing that helped me to reach this point was finding and reading on Out of the Fog...I was in complete denial  :doh: . Then I started researching abuse...Funny month by month I think I am getting better and yet as a month goes by.. I see that I am MORE out of the fog than last month!  :doh:

Keep on Keeping on! ;)  :hug:

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keepfighting

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Re: My list of boundaries
« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2014, 12:50:25 PM »
This is such an inspring thread!

I have implicated many boundaries already but there are some that are mentioned here that I hadn't thought about yet.

I have a few to add:

- No triangulation. Talk to me directly, ask me personally if you want to know something/need a hand with something - else I neither react to it nor act on it.

- In order to avoid falling for 'fake sympathy': If someone asks a personal question, share only a tidbit, wait if the other person also shares something personal, otherwise change the subject and stick to neutral subjects only.


Re: My list of boundaries
« Reply #7 on: December 03, 2014, 02:27:04 PM »
That's a good point about not oversharing. I learned that the hard way, unfortunately. But then again, I guess all of us learned things the hard way...

I'd add this: They have to be considerate. Not walking-on-eggshells considerate. But if I notice something is really distressing me, and if I point this out and ask them (respectfully and calmly) to please not do this... if they don't even try to change things, they're out. After all, I'm willing to adjust to them. This can't be a one-way-street. (Which I also learned the hard way.)

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Badmemories

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Re: My list of boundaries
« Reply #8 on: December 05, 2014, 01:01:40 AM »
I was really shocked by how fast that boundaries could remove people from Your life.

I set a boundary at a time for My uNPDSis:

1) I am not going to borrow money to You again. I really did not state that to her, but just started saying I did not have any money to borrow to her.. Then She'd say to me "Why do You HOUND me for the money I owe You do not hound anyone else." I said,,,"No one but You borrow money from Me." So, who should I be hounding?" Then I said "If You'd pay me back when You say You would then I would not have to ask You about that." I also started writing every thing down.  She was good about manipulating money different was to confuse me. The when I started writing it down she could NOt abuse me!

2) I am not going to gossip about other people any more. She'd always ask me leading personal questions about anyone... I guess to keep her supply up. I told her about that boundary but I reminded her of it every time she tried to cross it.

3) When She always tried to talk bad and about "How hard Our childhood was..." personally I want to move past it, I want to work on it. She used it for her":feel sorry for me supply". She told everyone in town about it, making it even worse that it was.  :stars: So I started telling her that I am sorry I do not have the answer for You You need to find a therapist. No, matter what I said She would not do it to help herself...She did not want help She just wanted to have everybody feel sorry for her.  :bigwink:

4) Since we are being honest on here... I told her I was going to quit smoking weed.  :applause: She was quit upset about that... I would smoke occasionally to sleep or calm Myself down...She smoked to get high everyday, all day long. She'd come to My house everyday to smoke My stuff.  So I cut off her marijuana supply.  :doh:

5) I told her that I was going to take legal action IF I did not start getting $150.00 rent for a house worth about $500.00 to $600. market rental value.  Her response was well You have to pay the mortgage anyway so why should we pay you? :stars: Or Family should not evict family.. My response was Well, family does not just mooch on family members.  :pissed: I did Eviction was final Yesterday!  :applause: :applause: She yelled at My Husband Yesterday "Your wife has sent me eviction papers. H said well I am a landlord.. I am not going to get involved.

She has given Me the silent treatment since May... Honestly, emotionally IT has put me through He)) but I am standing up for Myself NOW! I am proud of Myself though.. I am NOT going to be her patsy. So, it only told about 3-6 months and she was out of My life!  :applause: :'(

Keep on keeping on!  ;) :hug:

Re: My list of boundaries
« Reply #9 on: December 05, 2014, 07:02:22 AM »
Wow, you really moved forwards there! I can remember when you first came here - if I get this right, you were just beginning to figure out that your sister was in fact causing you a lot of trouble. And now look at this! This is truly impressive. After all, you've got a lot of other things on your plate, too. I'm not sure I could have done so much in such a short time.

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alovelycreature

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Re: My list of boundaries
« Reply #10 on: December 05, 2014, 04:49:28 PM »
Wow BadMemories, way to go!!! I hope you are proud of yourself.  :applause: