self hatred *trigger warning*

[hurtbeat]

I'm in a really bad place right now, I go to bed with a racing heart and fantasies that scare me and I wake up from nightmares hating myself.
Basically everything has boiled down to hardcore self hatred.
I'm not even a self harmer per se, my biggest way of self harming is to deny myself anything that makes me feel better or allowing myself to act in a way that makes me seem like a nice person.
I can hear words coming out of my mouth to friends that are way too harsh and condescending and it just confirms how bad I am.

Ever since I started reading up on CPTSD I've been doing some real hard work but the self hatred is just too much to bear. It's like my whole world will crumble if I am not put at the bottom of the pecking order where I belong because I am a horrible person and I deserve to be hated.

Every time I make efforts to feel better my self hatred shows up with renewed strength saying "Oh no you don't!" and pulls me down again.
It's totally crippling and any strategy that used to help me is useless because I don't deserve strategies anyway.

I guess this is where my anger is at, no wonder I felt reluctant in releasing it.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, this sounds like your 'inner critic ' is calling. I think part of cptsd is trying to learn to deal with the inner critic not letting you enjoy things or being happy with yourself. I went through this when I was with my last therapist and she used to get me to write down positive things about myself or positive things that I had achieved that week. I did find it 'really ' hard at the beginning and said I'm just writing things I don't actually feel for the sake of writing it! Gradually I got better even if it was just a couple of things a week it gave me something to focus on 'positively ' rather then looking at it all negatively and bit by bit you can start feeling better about yourself. Cbt is a good way to change the way you feel and instead of having your inner telling you that you are a bad person or good for nothing etc they teach you to stand up to the critic and say no actually I am a good person and I have achieved this, then less and less your inner critic seems to hurt you. It is hard I've had days where I think 'what is the point ' but learning through cbt it does try and change the way you think about yourself. There are self help books on this which gives you lots of excercices to do on it which should eventually change your thought pattern.

[Three Roses]

I can really empathize with the self hatred. It's really hard to take steps to take care of someone that you hate!

Maybe it's safer for us to feel angry with ourselves, when we are truly angry with our FOO. We were trained to turn the anger and everything back on ourselves instead of healthily directing it at the appropriate target. I think this is where I'm stuck, too.

[hurtbeat]

Yeah, I could deal with some inner critic- stuff that was on a low to medium anxiety level but what I'm feeling now is really vicious.
It's like I don't even want to think positive because I don't wish to antagonize this monster to attack me even further, I am already super anxious and down on my knees.

Of course I know where all of this comes from but it's hard to think away this level of anxiety.

I've asked the healthcare system for help but of course they mostly help me affirm that I am not worthy of care and that my problems aren't that bad.
I'm still waiting for that psychologist to call, though I realize it's only been about 10 days since I asked for help but it feels like a month.
I'm on the verge of doing bad things and they're letting me wait which confirms that my problems are less worthy of their time.

I'm still having really bad triggering thoughts.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry to hear what a rough time you're having.

If you are having trouble with suicidal ideation or feelings like you're wanting to hurt yourself, there are organizations that can help:

Befrienders Worldwide provides emotional support worldwide to prevent suicide - http://www.befrienders.org

The International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP)  provides information about where to find help around the world - http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

Your Life Counts - provides a comprehensive list of crisis hot lines and organizations around the world - http://www.yourlifecounts.org/need-help/crisis-lines

Cutting and Self-Harm: Self-Injury Help, Support and Treatment - http://www.aaets.org/article206.htm

Safe Haven - https://gabrielle.self-injury.net/  This is an online community with an extensive FAQ section about self-injury and a detailed series of pages about recovery from self-injury. There is also a large list of resources for those who self-injure.

Hang on, hurtbeat

[mourningdove]

hurtbeat! 

i don't believe that you are a bad person. I think that you are worthy of being valued and accepted and loved. If you don't see it that way because of C-PTSD, then that is perfectly understandable, but please believe that I and others here do see it. We want you to be okay. You are not alone.

[hurtbeat]

Thanks for your comments

Woke up today and felt kind of numb but I've been nudging towards positive thoughts and I don't feel the vicious anger attacking me any more so I'll try my best to rebuild some positiveness again.

I think that I probably played out some horrible scenarios that I've been through where people weren't satisfied until I was crawling on the floor.
I guess I hit the spot of some core trauma that came from a nightmare I had before my anxiety took over.

Yes, I was feeling suicidal but I don't think much of it any more because it has become a part of my life to feel this way whenever I go into flashbacks.
It's like knowing that if things go really bad I can always use the emergency break and end the suffering which makes me feel like I have some sort of control.
My goal for now would be to not use suicide as my only way of feeling in control but rather find some other things to keep me going in a more constructive way.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello hurtbeat, I relate so much to your post as it's been my experience to ..
Re services , in the uk there isn't much specific help for cptsd but there is a crisis line that I can call in times of real distress..
this has helped me
Also I have been going to a charity that runs free mental health drop in groups ..
Having some mental health support is important for us, so we can access in times of crisis
I have now gone back on an anti depressant as I just couldn't cope and it has blocked out the self hatred ..
My friend says she is working on her anger in therapy and is being directed to put the anger where is belongs i.e. The parent
Writing helps me getting all the mental anguish out on paper
Feeling suicidal is serious for me and I have to take it as that even if it has become normal at some times in my life.. it isn't normal part of life to feel suicidal and a visit to the doctor is in order when it is like this ...
Through it all taking care of myself is so important even when I feel v low to do this .. building self compassion is so important when I'm well so that when I am unwell I can draw on speaking kind to myself even when my head is screaming obscenities

[Boatsetsailrose]

When I say there isn't much specific help I mean from the government - I have found a charity that give long term therapy to people with cptsd so it is worth searching outside the box - I was always searching for complex trauma when if I'd have googled trauma it may have come up

[hurtbeat]

I don't know if we have any similar charity stuff, I don't think group-sessions would be for me as I get nervous around people.
Still waiting for that phone call but it's been a moth already.
I wasn't that bad before because I had hope about getting help but the anxiety have been getting worse since.

I have a phone call scheduled for next week.. I just hope there is something, anything, that can get me out of my head.

[Boatsetsailrose]

It may be worth remembering that most people attending a mental health Grp have anxiety about being there.. what I've found is it's about being honest about where I am at when I go, not pretending , just going as I am in all my brokenness and struggle.. I have found this quite liberating a place I can go and not pretend , no pressure to be anything

[Candid]

Oh hurtbeat,  that damned inner critic! And then the outer one speedily followed by the inner one! How is it they both show up and do their worst before we even realise they're there?

Everybody now:

Oh, what a beautiful morning,
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I've got a beautiful feeling
Everything's going my way.

And my favourite:

I feel pretty
Oh, so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight
I feel charming
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!

[hurtbeat]

Hehe.. thanks for the songs

I actually tried to attend a group meeting with aca today.
Didn't find my way and became super anxious and cried a lot.
I'll know where to go next time and prepare better..

I hate crying in front of strangers but as soon as I sense that I'm about to meet people who could understand me I sob like a baby.
Hate it.
I want to be in control.

[Candid]

Didn't find my way and became super anxious and cried a lot.

Does that happen to you a lot? It does me. It's like I have an anti-compass in my head. Also think I'm ruminating so much all the friggin' time that I don't notice what's around me, landmarks etc. I'm already 'lost' in my own head, and getting geographically lost... yeah, I know. I've cried about it too.  The world is way too big for one little Candid on her own.

[hurtbeat]

I think that it was the pressure of preforming on time that stressed me out, I've had that problem since way back.
I can remember my mother breaking down and crying hysterically when we couldn't get to where we were going on time or if obstacles arose that forced us to take a different path.
She was often anxious about everything and so was I.