After the colon :

[RubyCatherine]

About a year ago, I got to the best place I could hope for creating all alone.  I was surrounded by new and nice people and I suddenly felt so sad. Went to a therapist, went on meds, didn't like meds, therapist's communication skills were lacking, got new therapist, got new meds, felt somewhat better and then I could think a little a couple of weeks into good meds.

Why did everything, including me, seem lighter? Why did I feel free? Why did things quite literally look brighter? Why did life feel more like Moscato than Merlot?

I was driving when I realized I was safe and felt it, so it was real. My jaw must have dropped and stayed that way for some time. I texted a friend about it, and she didn't get it, and later, when I told her I had feelings (meaning more than 2), she was confused. Her not getting new (really genuine) me will be a recurring storyline if I continue this journal. Eventually I discovered cptsd and was so awed to find the name of this virus that's been infecting my head for most of my life.

The successes of the last year are probably not more numerous than the failures, but they are worth so much more. The fact that I've had them after so many emotionally and socially stagnant years helps me to go on. I vascillate between wanting to do everything right now to being bitter I don't have it yet when it seems everyone else does.

Recently, at age 31, I decided I want a tattoo after years of being raised with "tattoos are trashy" and not even wanting one. I want to take risks and make mistakes and say * you to the world again like I acted out in high school. Tired of playing safe.

My tattooed friend told me about the trend of the semicolon for suicide awareness tattoos. The idea is we do not place the period and stop, we place the semicolon and go on with life at these turns. I've been suicidal twice, very briefly and years ago, and that design didn't really speak to me.

Yet I like the idea of a punctuation representing my journey, though for cptsd and not suicide. And I realize that in this, I have a greater affinity for the colon.

Here is what I mean... And this is just rough drafting, not my finished thesis statement...
Not: "She was attacked, neglected, judged, and shunned; no one stopped her from creating a full life."
But: "Though she was attacked, neglected, judged, and shunned, she kept going: no one stopped her from creating a full life." Because there is hope in the first clause in order for the sentence to continue.

I'll probably get a cat tattoo rather than a colon, but that's the idea. Lol. It's just that I'm after the colon and I want to write something great. Mood is good today.

That's all for now. Thanks!

[Three Roses]

I want to take risks and make mistakes and say * you to the world again like I acted out in high school. Tired of playing safe.

YES! I'm getting back in touch with that angry inner teen and it feels good! Man, she didn't need to people-please anyone, and was pretty self-sufficient and aware. What happened to her? 

[Blueberry]

I really like your greater affinity for the colon! What a creative way to see your way to healing.

[tea-the-artist]

  i agree! much luck to you in your journey!

[RubyCatherine]

As I read through Pete Walker and posts in this forum, I feel fortunate to have been raised in a stable household with parents who largely had their acts together. I've read so many horrible stories of abusive and neglectful parents.

Mine were occasionally negligent and more frequently emotionally abusive, I think without intending to be at all. I was still profoundly affected by things just the same. Sometime during college, I started telling myself I had let myself get too upset about certain things that were really okay. That I was just a square, worrier kid who took what was said in DARE too seriously. Now I look back and see that so many of the things said and done were so wrong and that they had a negative effect on me. I'm glad I can see that again now. The perspective of years allows me to see that I couldn't go to them for help with other things happening due in part to their juvenile behavior.

By memorial day I will need to figure out what my role is. I realize that driving my father to his home after a long day and night of drinking with his family is enabling. I also realize it is better than his driving drunk home like he used to do with us. It is nice to be an adult and not just feel like one while resenting being a child. It is nice to have a designated driver -- me.

But my mother is tired of his drinking all day and night. She complains to me about it. She does not like that I drive him home. Yes, it's bad for his health. Yes, I'd rather he not drink too. But she and a friend can down 7 bottles of wine in one afternoon. My mother cannot admit she has ever committed a wrong, but she accuses easily enough.

Yet we are still pretty close as a family. Not perfect, but we share a lot of laughs and experiences.

I am glad I remember the negligence and have since read that it really did matter. Even though it is painful and makes matters uncomfortable on my end. This is significant to recovery.

Funny. I didn't even think about this at all today and it ended up being my journal entry topic.

[RubyCatherine]

I want to be better RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW. So many wasted years. I'm tired of not being happy.

I've been doing the Spartan life coach's new course for several weeks. I usually miss one or two days at least partially in one week -- usually the morning power walk because the neighborhood is dark. I'm tired of hearing the same lessons over and over, but that is the point.

It's becoming a little easier to interact with others. I'm more comfortable with it than I expected by this point. This is still not comfortable. I don't have that ease.

I went to a birthday celebration at a park yesterday. Not a bad day. Yet I would like to go back to last night and redo it. To be more social. To stand up more and make more conversation.

Then I remembered that I didn't have a whole lot to say to open the conversations. And that's okay. I did okay with some of it. I certainly did better than i would have even a month ago. I give myself a passing but not perfect grade.

If I could go back, I'd talk less and ask better questions, I'd be up and about more and maybe, just maybe, try to join in a game of something. It's my reaction to my lack of athletic prowess that has me not participate. I try to be funny about it but I'm not successful because I'm too nervous and want the humor to work too much. I play so gracelessly and people end up getting a little annoyed. So I don't play. But now I feel so much better than I did in the past that I was that one day soon I may be able to throw around a Nerf ball for a few minutes and having it meet my standard of acceptability.

The acceptability standard is new and comes from a few, maybe even most, of my self-healing diet. The standard is best summed up as good enough (thanks, Pete Walker). Specifically for me, it means that something was gained. I could obsess over the fact that I didn't make nearly enough eye contact last night. That doesn't do much good. I know eye contact is one of, well, everything I need to work on. Instead, I choose to celebrate my growing ease at talking to these long term acquaintances and joining in conversation a few times and not absolutely * it up. This is growth.

In these conversations, I expressed myself not perfectly but was able to smooth over a hiccup there. Specifically my desire to be out more. I. Glad I had the opportunity to communicate this though I do not know that it will lead to something good.

When the party broke up, I was energized still, but everyone else was tired. Right before I headed to my car, I heard that a few were going to a sandwich place. The hostess asked whether I was going. But she wasn't going, which means that no one going had asked me. I hesitated and reluctantly said no. There was no insistence that go. No frowns. So everyone was gone in one minute and I was in my car. Is told them I'd walk home -- a little over a mile -- and one of them objected to that but still didn't say "come along with us."

When they were gone, I realized my smile was not in my car and it was not on the road home. They maybe had just a little of it. I needed to be desired, but if I couldn't have that, I needed to make something happen myself. Something big. So I was spontaneous. I went worry free  I did not look back. I knew no fear. I walked with purpose. Wow, like Spartan Life Coach has me do in the morning. They were surprised but not displeased to see me. One of the guys even seemed happy. There was some good warmth at the table and a smile for a few seconds, but not anything that lasted. Not anything with consequences I can see now. But most things with big consequences seem small in the moment.

Why are others so resistant to  a positive change? These particular people are not friends but have known me over 10 years. Others I know better are even more so. Both they and I needed to see that I could walk over a mile in the opposite direction of home.

I acted immature a couple of times over something. I think I can train myself not​ to do it over this in the future.  But I hope that my desire to spend more time with the people... that's what it was about... will outweigh its immature verbal manifestation.

The standards test is: all things considered, would I erase the night and its progress to erase those shortfalls, or will I take it as is? It's not perfect, and it isn't pleasant to look back on all of it and especially to zone in mistakes with "oh bahhh dumb me close that mouth," but while anything is possible, it's highly unlikely that I lost any ground socially. I likely gained a smidge. Just a smidge.

If I had done the interactions perfectly by my 20/20 standards, even though I didn't know what the applied ideal was until I was removed from it, and if I did all of these smoothly... is it possible I'd end up with something I didn't want and possibly a worse result because it wouldn't be me making the decisions?

I don't know who I am. I need to figure it out. These experiences, mistake riddled though they are, help.

There is no getting better perfectly. I'm going to make an * of myself. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I've made so much progress the last seven months that I'm all but astounded at times. I want to have a very different life in another 5 months. Today I'm going to map it all out.

Having new experiences of intimacy and everything is wonderful. Freeing. Promising.

[RubyCatherine]

I woke up before 3 a.m. this morning. I woke up sad. Time passes and I still have not found happy.

I'm focusing less on personal projects and instead leaving myself more time to get out. But this time isn't always filled as I would like it to be.

I'm working on taking better care of myself, from physical state to finances and beyond, to set myself up for as many good days as I can.

Crying a little every so often is nice. I don't mind as much now that there is no on in my life who gets off on it, but it's hard to feel after so long.

[Three Roses]

Glad you're here. 

[RubyCatherine]

Glad you're here. 

Ditto!

[RubyCatherine]

Feeling a lot better. Hormones, hunger, bad sleep make me cranky. Was in an emotional flashback for a couple of days and realized it was over as it was ending. When good things happen, some 24-48 hours later, wow, I really get emotional.

I've been listening to Tony Robbins for months, but in the last few days what I've been hearing is that we must decide specifically what we want to make progress. I agree. But it's hard to define what "better" looks like.

I want to: be vulnerable with many people, have a relationship, not think of dumb things I've said or times I've blushed when conversing, forget new exchanges like this as they happen, make good eye contact, flirt, be confident, etc etc etc.

I've mulled over this for a few days. I have a grounding vision I go to when I am upset. I redirect myself to a potential, totally fulfilled happy moment. I know how I want to feel, but I don't know what exactly gets me there.

Spartan Life Coach echoes a lot of this. He and others have brought up the subject of emotional immaturity.

Emotional immaturity is probably the thing that pisses me off most about cptsd. I have experienced more hardship, I have learned how to take stuff that most others don't understand, and I am emotionally immature? Not fair, not fair! And then I realize that kind of thinking is immature and bah, it's true!

Then I realized: that's what I want. Emotional maturity. Emotional maturity means I am not better, but I am best. It's a matter of maintenance of flashbacks and improved communication once I get the adult emotional maturity brain software updates. I know there's more to it than that, but largely...

Milennials make a big deal about "adulting," and according to some lists I'm a milennial. There is at least one book about the technical side of this (buying toilet paper in bulk, for example, or checklists for shopping for a house). But not much about the emotional side of this.

Things I have that indicate adult: good career, two degrees, apartment (with roommate, for financial reasons), gym membership (yoga), cat, nice furniture I financed last year and finally paid off, student loans refinanced at lower interest rate, birth control and allergy and antidepressant meds, a psychiatrist I see every few months. 

Things I have that indicate non-adult: low balance in checking and savings despite doubling salary in less than 3 years, no boyfriends in past or present, not enough travel experiences, not quite enough of a social life for a single person.

As I've acquired experiences in the first list, I have felt somewhat better. With each, really. Like I'm "on it." But there's more to it than that. What? How do I emotionally mature? I'm doing emdr (YouTube diy), reading Pete Walker, doing something or going someplace new every day, hypnosis, eating healthy, etc. Showing friends that I am growing and seeking out new experiences with them.

How else can I emotionally mature? Appreciate your ideas and stories.

I think I'll post some version of this on some other board.

[RubyCatherine]

Today I set the intent to have a good day and I had a good day. It was not a magnificent day, but it was pleasantly uneventful.

Set alarm for 25 minutes earlier and got up. I'd put my phone on the other side of the room to charge for the night.

I started (after stretches and meditation) by completing two items from my running to do list. I was in a pissy mood while working on those items, but felt better as soon as they were done.

I have seen an allergist and get test results back in a week. This should give me an idea as to what foods are making me sick. I have suspicions but it will be nice to learn anything.

Got the number of the chiropractor that I'm going to try. He was recommended by a friend and he takes insurance. My copay is $20/visit for up to 20 visits per year I think. My spine slants to one side and it's starting to be a problem.

I'm making smoothies every morning. With protein powder.

Considering a cheap standing desk for work. And a better chair.

That's the physical.

On the financial, I had some good ideas for my business after listening to Tony Robbins.

I've done a little research on my business ideas and I haven't done anything else this evening. Just relaxing in a dark room. Giving myself permission to take the night off.

Let's do this again tomorrow.

[RubyCatherine]

It's early. I'm tired, in pain, dehydrated, but my mood is okay.

Listening to Tony Robbins and Jim Rohn is making such a difference. I'm thinking of goals, directions, achievement.

Tony's financial speeches and interviews specifically are helping me improve my life without tapping into raw emotion all the time.

My parents have done something that put me into a day long emotional flashback. Long story short, it means I have no claim to something because I am female and another family member does because he is male.

Once I realized conversations in my head were unhelpful, I started redirecting my attention. After a few back and forths about it, I made a minor request that requires no effort on anyone's part but mine. I also made the more major request that I want to never discuss it ever again. My father agrees to these and is informing my mother. So I am proud of my communication there.

There is opportunity to be social and make friends with people in circle of friends this weekend. I don't want to screw it up so I am trying to focus on ways to interact and have fun when I'm there. Drinking will help.

[RubyCatherine]

Success!-ish:

It really is success. I want an A+ on my work, but a B or B+ will do.

I went to a street festival with a group of friends yesterday. I'd had a rough morning--making peace with something my parents have done without considering me--and then a not so great exchange texting one of those friends. But I calmed down about the first thing, decided a way to joke to break the ice when I met my friend (which I ended up not having to do), and had a pretty good time.

Every day I try to accomplish three different things. Usually it's schedule this, complete and submit those, and research/evaluate/decide about that. Today being all day social, I went different with it:
1) make someone laugh
2) touch one of the guys flirtatiously
3) get these people to see me as a lot more fun than usual. The old me I get glimpses of on occasion

This was accomplished with alcohol, skeeball, and me just letting those two things and my antidepressant take me over.

I accomplished other items I had considered: talk to someone new, interact with a stranger.

It wasn't perfect. There were times my indecisiveness and desire to maximize opportunity backfired on me. Is this a cptsd thing? Wanting more and going after it only to realize you have more if you just stay? If so, I need advice on how to recognize when I'm doing that and how to evaluate these situations.

I also have the inner critic now regarding some of my antics, but I shush her up by saying that no one got irritated with me so far as I could tell and that I was surprising people. I accomplished what I wanted. So few things like that are completely perfect. For me, this was pretty good! And I wish I had these opportunities more often. Guess I'll have to create some that are even better. I shall meditate on this.

I am confused by one gentleman's behavior but that is nothing new. I can't tell if he is indecisive or playing a game or something else. They are such foreign creatures to me.

Maybe I'm being too critical now and this was an A experience. Perhaps I will call it that. Nearly all of the things I would change are things beyond my control (other people getting in the way of perfect moments; individuals going home early). I felt frustrated/missing out briefly twice and for a total of less than an hour, but it was not my main emotion and I did not stew and I tried not to think too much. Just be. Maybe that is an A experience.

In other news...

I discovered the most wonderful resource recently. Tony Robbins has caused me to throw my old Covey urgent/not urgent/important/non important to-do list/priorities quadrant out the window. I used to spend a good 5 minutes updating it every day and moving things to different quadrants based on the anxiety levels I was experiencing. Well, now there are half as many items on the list and I'm not going to do them all. And it's okay. It's not giving up or ignoring. I'm becoming the boss now. I am the boss. I own the list. The list does not own me. Because I now list areas of my life (career, relationships, side business, hobbies, domestic, healing, etc.), Decide what the outcomes (essential progress, in my own words) are, put my action items in the proper categories, and decide which to do. I am so much more focused now on the mission of me.

That's all... I'd love feedback but I also love to see the traffic this journal gets because it lets me know that someone listened to at least something. Thanks!

[RubyCatherine]

Thoughts this morning:

I am s--- with money.

Perhaps this is because I change my plans of what I'm spending on or saving for. Perhaps it's because I avoid looking at my balances when I know they are getting low. Perhaps this is because I make promises and break them and vow to never do that again. That said... I am utterly disgusted with this behavior. Especially when my balance goes to the negative.

Part of the issue is that there are so many holes in my money bucket. Two student loan lenders, 2 utilities, 2 loans, rent, life and car insurance, plus other spendings on groceries and yes, superfluous things. That doesn't sound like a whole lot now that I'm saying it. But oh, it is.

I am finally investing on my health (trying to stop recurring vomiting, figure out swollen lymph node, get rx refilled (and that jumped from $20 to over $60), see chiropractor, bloodwork, see personal trainer who is working with chiropractor, eat healthier food including protein smoothies every morning. Hundreds of dollars in the last two months. Then car insurance was due. There should be  less of this, but then a car repair will be needed or something.

I am utterly unable to save for emergencies because of emergencies popping up pretty often. 

I saw how much interest I am paying on one of the loans I have and now I want to attack it.

I vow to work on my passive income stream but I haven't done anything with that in a long time.

I've been in a mood for a couple of weeks now. It's hard to stay happy, in a good state. I'm not quite sure why. I think it's a combination of physical state and the wrong expectations of others and of my experiences with others. Two more days to brainwash myself with podcasts during the week before going out there to enjoy the weekend.

[RubyCatherine]

Ok.

Months ago I started simplifying my life to make healing easier. To some degree, it worked.

I took up healing as my only active hobby. I think that was a mistake. Lots of time with inner critic.

I have learned a lot. But perhaps time for new project?

Not a lot is appealing right now. I have my old hobbies I can work on and ideas for new ones, but my hobbies = my escape from reality. So, of course, I am reluctant to pick something up. But I've been so moody, wanting more time with people and wanting to feel better. Part of that has to come from my growing in other new directions. Fresh star. New memories. New discoveries.

Maybe some of the healing will be unconscious if I allow myself to think and do and be other things? Maybe I'll check in and be like, "*. That's better now." That is how my healing started in the first place.

Thoughts, anyone?