After the colon :

[RubyCatherine]

Today I started writing down my questions/confused stuff. By that I mean all of my weak areas.

Why does my smile escape me and now can I get Wendy Darling to sew it back on?

How many masks do I have and how do I get rid of all of them so I can be myself at all times?

Which conclusions and beliefs are true and which are false and how do I find the truth?

What experiences are growth and what experiences are escapism via busy work?

Who am I?

How can I be less intense/ on and off? How can I find a happy middle ground?

How can I be more fun, less serious, and genuine all at once?

How do I get better when it's hard to make friends at my age?

How do I get away from the extreme of not planning or being invested in a particular outcome but not go back to my overthinking ways?

How can I feel comfortable being intimate, especially with people accustomed to my coldness?

And thoughts:

I can handle anything but plateau.

And the big one: how about a spoiler so I can know how this whole thing turns out?

I am frustrated when i can't communicate with people. I am type INTJ. I am either withholding or too direct. When I am withholding, people assume things that aren't true. Things I would not have predicted they would assume.

A few months ago, someone said,"I know you're shy. I used to be shy too."

Shy? Shy?! I feel like this is the only place people will get it. I kind of snorted. Sad laughed on the inside. Shy? No, I fought until I had to freeze and I'm trying to thaw. But you can't say stuff like that casually, and most people don't want to know or don't care. You can gossip about someone else's secrets and heartbreaks and be judgmental, but don't expose your own and expect tenderness.

These 2+ day crashes following social experiences drain me. As I always learn some truth or have some idea to explore or get the chance to silence the critics, I suppose it is worth it.

[Lingurine]

Hi RubyCatherine, I can relate to your post. Like you, I am an intuitive introvert and go between withdraw to too direct. The freeze thing I have too, it's hard for us introverts to communicate sometimes, I know. It's true, people here get it. It's okay to be the way you are, I know it feels lonely at times. We're here with you, in the same boat of confusion, overthinking things and crashing after social events. Take some time to load your battery and be silent and careful with yourself.

It's okay.

Lingurine

[RubyCatherine]

The 1k+ I have invested into my physical well-being in the past few months is paying off. No pun intended. I am having my protein smoothies every morning. I bought an inexpensive adjustable standing desk to use at work. Standing makes me feel powerful and choosing when to stand or sit is so empowering.  Chiropractor and personal trainer are encouraging my to straighten out and personal trainer is telling me not to stress about being underweight. So  much easier to feel happy standing. Now I understand why Tony Robbins does it that way at his seminars.

[RubyCatherine]

Over two months later and such updates.

I kept hitting a brick wall with a group of people. I decided I was hurt for the last time. I backed off, I declined every invitation, I even unfriended a few people so I wouldn't see their posts and experience FoMo (fear of missing out).

I had another friend I hadn't seen in years meet me and my other group of friends somewhere. No spark, but glad I explored it so I could stop idealizing. Got on a dating app. Went on a series of 5 dates with nice, fun guy who I wanted to spend a few months with, but couldn't quite see something permanent with. He broke it off yesterday. And... Ouch.

This is my first time in quite this situation. I'm accustomed to rejection and even remember being on the receiving end of hatred and wrath. Not the "you're nice, but no" kind of rejection.

Not getting to continue for a bit longer with this nice guy busts me up a bit. I think had I been more aggressive and demonstrative, this would be going on longer, so I'd be gaining more experience out of it had it worked out that way. That said, with my INTJ crystal ball, I am fairly certain it would not have been a permanent situation, so I guess I can also be glad that I either get more time to focus on me or more time with someone else. 

Still hurts though! Ouch!

I've learned a lot and feel more empowered and emboldened than I did before. Not enough, but I intend to get more practice in.

I think part of the problem is my struggle to be vulnerable and flirty and all. I remember when I had to make myself small and stoic when being harassed as an older kid/young adult. It's hard to engage when some flirty word exchanges sound so similar to past abuse. But I'll figure out how.

I'm also angry that I'm bad at relationships due (in part) to abuse. I need to find a way to start grieving that this week.

I'm sure there's more, but that's it for now.

Thanks for reading this and walking down this path with me.