Disclosing some of my childhood sexual abuse - Trigger Warnings

[Blueberry]

The more I think about it, I think that I must have been younger than I thought I was - when I thought the events took place - i.e. a very small child. .. but the initial abuse could have happened as young as 2 years of age?  I find this awful.

Hope, it is awful! But it's also very possible. The younger a child is, the less she can protect herself, or even realise what's going on enough to protect herself. I'm standing with you.

I partly felt the need to return here to re-read what I wrote because my partner commented today that he thinks that I am 'protecting' my parents (FOO) and that I often minimise their behaviour to me - he is clear that they have done things that he feels are NOT RIGHT - and he points out to me that I sometimes try to look for 'reasons' why they would do that - rather than condemning them for inappropriate behaviour.

I'm still minimising I think, and looking for 'reasons'. Sometimes when somebody like my T or somebody on here points something out, as inappropriate behaviour on the part of FOO to me, I'm  Never seen it that way before. Even when you are NC or me VLC, it probably can still take a long time to really see how bad things were and to really admit that these people who were meant to love us unconditionally and be there for us, were so not. Standing with you here too. Your partner is standing with you too - that sounds good.

Trigger warning TW...
My sister  thinks that they are 'sadistic' - I've not been able to go so far as to think those things

I've been told M's behaviour to me was 'sadistic' but that doesn't go visceral enough for me to feel it, which can be self-protection. In your case too maybe. These things take time and strength to weather. Take the time you need. 

I know it's not always easy for you, this reconnection with your sister... but I envy you a little that she doesn't downplay and deny what was done to you. My sibs do. Things were done to them too. They don't remember and/or they believe it doesn't affect anybody anymore (except crazy Blueberry, who should get on with her life)

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,

Thank you so much for everything you've said here - I wanted to quote something you'd said to highlight it, but can't seem to work out how to do that, so I'll put it here:  You said: "that doesn't go visceral enough for me to feel it, which can be self-protection. " and that resonated with me.  I think we do 'protect' ourselves from realising the full horror or significance of realising that the ones who were supposed to have our best interests at heart, didn't actually act as they should have done.  It is hard to adjust to that in so many ways.

Hope 

[Hope66]

Hi again Blueberry,
I was also thinking about what you said about how your siblings don't acknowledge what happened to you - and that must be really tough - with regard to my sister - I feel that whilst she doesn't downplay what happened to me, I don't think that she really understands what it was like for me - especially as she never tried to find me, and she didn't kick up a fuss to the authorities about the fact that I was left in the care of my FOO, whilst she effectively chose to live elsewhere - when she was 16 years old.  I feel like she was my elder sister - 8 years older, and she should have looked out for me - but she didn't.

I don't feel I can say that to her.  When I mentioned to her that I was disappointed that she didn't look for me, she told me that 'the spirits told me it wasn't the right time, and that you would contact me in the future' - I found that quite exasperating to hear in a way.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi again Blueberry,
with regard to my sister - I feel that whilst she doesn't downplay what happened to me, I don't think that she really understands what it was like for me - especially as she never tried to find me, and she didn't kick up a fuss to the authorities about the fact that I was left in the care of my FOO, whilst she effectively chose to live elsewhere - when she was 16 years old.  I feel like she was my elder sister - 8 years older, and she should have looked out for me - but she didn't.

I don't feel I can say that to her.  When I mentioned to her that I was disappointed that she didn't look for me, she told me that 'the spirits told me it wasn't the right time, and that you would contact me in the future' - I found that quite exasperating to hear in a way.

Hope, I take back what I said. I don't envy you at all, now that I know more of the context. (Note to self: Be less hasty in judgement next time.) I can commiserate instead.

I read your Unsent Letter to her, and I'm glad that at least there you were able to express your feelings, even if you can't in direct contact with her. I was really impressed about the way you can write that you have a different belief system but you don't criticise her "the spirits told me" kind of stuff. I would find those kinds of comments pretty exasperating too.

[Hope66]

Blueberry, I found your reply very validating - and I feel emotional about it, but I know that's a good thing - as seeing you 'quote' my statements about my sister back at me, it really highlighted things - I have been feeling over-whelmed this week, at many levels - and when I think about it, I'm not surprised - it's a lot to take in regarding everything, and I think I just need to take things slowly - afterall, there isn't any 'rush' - I'm probably not making sense to you, or rather - I probably am, as I do feel you understand all of this FOO stuff - but I just wanted to say - I really found your reply really helpful.  Thank you.   

[Hope66]

TW - *** Mentioning CSA issues

I'm more panicky than I should be, as I struggled to get in here today - I'd updated my computer and I had difficulty with various password issues, and then I couldn't access here - and so I feel more anxious than I should be - but also I feel a burning pressure to 'get out' some of my thoughts and feelings relating to my childhood sexual abuse - already feeling tearful as I experience the emotion of this.

I triggered myself earlier when I went into another thread - and mentioned some of the things that FOO said to me as a child - and particularly the comment by my F about my teenage body - saying "I've seen it all before" - this was when I must have been wanting him to give me some much needed privacy as a teenager, and him not respecting my privacy - and telling me he'd seen my body before.

Yes, he had seen it, and he had crossed the line too many times - I have a strong memory of him when I was very very young - and having talked about this in the forum, I think I might have been as young as 2 years old or thereabouts - but I really don't know.  I also know that when I was very little - I remember masturbating and knowing what an orgasm felt like - and yet I was very tiny. 

As a young girl and a teenager he often used to look at me in a way that wasn't right - he would tweak my breasts and put his hand out to 'goose me' when I passed by close to him or sat down - that's not right. 

I have a horrible memory of one time when I was about ?8 years old, and I was dancing to song on the radio and he was outside the window in the garden, and I knew he was watching me, and I started to dance in a provocative and 'sexualised way' as if to get his attention and that sickens me that he had caused me to end up doing that.  Also, what he said to me later that day was 'It's a good job you aren't going to make your living by dancing, as you're not very good at it' - or similar words to that - it made me feel ugly and bad at even dancing - but the lurid thing about that is that I was a small girl trying to get my own father's attention in a sexualised way.  He basically made me feel as if I was groomed into doing that. 

I feel angry and upset when I think of this, and it sickens me to think of it - but I can't help thinking about it, and wishing things had been different.

I don't feel up to writing more now - because this feels enough right now.  But I'm glad I've written it out - because I know it's helped me before to write about it.

If you're reading this, thank you for doing so.  I hope I've not triggered anyone too much - I can imagine it is triggering.

I think it's good that I feel anger about this.  Because it wasn't right.  He shouldn't have done what he did to me.

Hope    (I always put a smile after my name, I know it seems incongruous in the circumstance of what I've written, but it makes me feel better to add it).

[Blueberry]

 

I don't feel up to writing much, but I'm happy for you that you feel anger about this, because what F did to you was not right.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I feel so angry on your behalf Hope, if that's okay... I can't imagine how that's all affected you. I'm so sorry for what you've experienced.

[deptofhearts]

argh this sadly resonates with me too - way too much. probably should've heeded the trigger warning (I can be a like a moth to a flame, still looking for answers methinks)
Anyway - I am super sorry you had all this happen to you! So young and so repeated from dodgy people. Should have a been a safe place. Family should always be the safest place.
Great job on speaking up here and cutting ties...  be kind and patient with yourself. You are brave and strong X

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry, AphoticAtrementous & Deptofhearts,

Thank you all for your replies - I appreciate each of them, and feel validated by them - and supported too.  That means a lot. 

Hope 

[BlancaLap]

OMG, I'm so sorry. I had a similar instance with my father's father (my granfather), he grabbed my boobs and started to squeeze them... I was very numb at that moment but when I think about it I feel sick (se me revuelven las tripas)... I know it's nothing compared to what happened to you, I just wanted you to know that something similar happened to me...

[Hope66]

Hi Blancalap,
I am so sorry to hear you had that experience with your Grandfather.    to you.   Thank you for sharing your experience, and relating to me - and your experience is horrible.  I am sorry you had to experience that.
Hope 

[BlancaLap]

Big hug to you Hope66

[Wife#2]

Big hugs, Hope. This is such a long journey you've survived. I am amazed and proud of you with how far you've come.

Yes, anger is reasonable. Justified. Validating to your own sensibilities.

The Mama-bear in me wants to roar at your father 'HOW DARE YOU?!' Mama-bear would love to grab up little Hope, run away from that place and keep you safe from such a man. Mama bear would love to teach little Hope that all parts of HER body belong to HER and that each part is precious. Only HOPE gets to decide who touches and how. Even Mommies and Daddies and doctors don't get to decide for Hope, because her body doesn't belong to them.

Mama-bear is angry that little Hope had to know anything about any of this. Mama-bear wants to scream at all the selfish, cruel abusers in this world - your father chief among them - and say, 'STOP! Get a toy of you want to play, but children are to be cherished, nurtured, loved, taught the healthy ways of the world - AGE APPROPRIATELY. You don't OWN your child, you are graced with their presence for a few years only. Those years can be wonderful or horrible depending on who YOU choose to be - adult.'

Now, Mama-bear wants to take all the young who suffer from CSA and keep them safe. Show them the real love that children should know from parents. That hearing 'I hate you' from a loved child hurts, but can be survived. That these little humans are not toys, nor are they possessions. They belong to themselves. They are with parents to learn how to be in this world. To be shown and to learn to show love.

Ugh, my post is a long one yet again. I'm sorry, but Mama-bear took over the keyboard and wanted to protect the little girl who years ago had to deal with such wrongness. Mama-bear wants you to know you are loved, you are valuable, you are precious - little Hope and grown-up Hope. Be angry, if that helps you heal. Stomp and rage, if that helps you heal. What you feel, that anger and disappointment and sadness, that's all very normal. 

[Hope66]

Hi BlancaLap - thank you 

Hi Wife2 - Big hugs back to you as well  - I read your lovely reply yesterday, and I was affected very strongly and emotionally by the amazing Mama-bear in you - who literally came out and protected little Hope and adult Hope - and made me feel so emotional and validated and tears flowed from my eyes, but they were tears of feeling like someone really cared enough to want to protect Little Hope - and basically I don't think anyone really took that role in my childhood, as noone thought I was being violated - but my space, my body, my mind, they were all violated in various ways.  Thank you!   

I could actually picture Mama-Bear in my imagination - and she was really powerful in her protectiveness - I even used that image whilst I was having some flash-backs at night - which often happen - as I do ruminate about what happened to me, more than I realise really.  It was helpful to see Mama-bear and know she'd protect me, and I was able to go back to sleep that bit sooner. 

I hope that other people will read your words - and substitute their own names where 'Little Hope' and 'Adult Hope' are - because I really think it would help to cope.

Wife 2 - thank you for saying that my anger is "reasonable.  Justified.  Validating to my own sensibilities" - that means so much.   

I feel emotional again - thinking about this, but honestly, you have really helped me in what you said.  I think Mama-bear is really going to be part of my life - she can be part of my Family of Choice (FOC) and help me to stand strong against the injustices that came from my Family of Origin (FOO).

I feel stronger going into this day ahead.  Thank you. 

Hope