Disclosing some of my childhood sexual abuse - Trigger Warnings

[Wife#2]

Since Mama-Bear is in our imaginations, she's free to roam around your memories, join them and protect Little Hope and Adult Hope from the scariness of those memories. She can't rewrite history, but she can give you something to change the focus, to remove the horror, to protect you from the 'THEM' that live in those memories.

Mama-Bear helped me through these past few days in my real life. It was healing. I can look back, say it did happen, it was real, it did hurt, then look away to Mama-Bear and her soft, loving eyes. She's taken those memories for me. They're not gone, their effects can still be felt at my choosing. I chose to give them to Mama-Bear to hold for me. So, now I can move out into the world and BE ME, not those memories of me, not who I think others should or want to see as me. I can be ME.

She's there, by your side, ready to take possession of any memories you want to give her. To be done with them, if possible. To acknowledge they existed, they were real. But, they don't get to define Little Hope or Adult Hope anymore. Mama-Bear will help you take their sting away. Even if it means she takes the sting herself - a small thing in protecting her Hope. She loves Hope completely. All of the complicated wonderfulness that is Hope.

She knows she can't fix everything, but she'll fix what you allow her to, on YOUR time table as YOU are ready - because she is YOUR Mama-Bear. She's here to help you, not mold or shape or control you in any way. YOU get to set the boundaries, practicing on her what can help you in your real life. She is willing, because she loves you. Not the manipulative love that some use against us. That healthy, boundary-accepting, encouraging, cherishing love that many of us missed. The kind of love you have always deserved.

[Hope66]

Hi Andy, Yes, definitely big enough - a great protector.

Hi Wife2, Thank you so much for writing this about Mama Bear - your words mean a lot - and I will keep them close - because they are just what I need - and thank you so much.



Hope 

[Hope67]

Little Hope wants me to write this, because for her, I think it's her very first memory - but we're not sure...  But she remembers that F came into the bedroom and she remembers not feeling comfortable about whatever he did, but she doesn't know what it is.  Just that she was happier when he had gone away again.  It really isn't clear.

Then she reminded me of the recurrent dream that Little Hope used to have of the Flying Moths - they were enormous and they would fly in a long stream in the sky - just big big wings all flapping in slow motion - that used to happen so regularly and it didn't feel very good.  Little Hope wants me to write about that here, because she thinks it's important - and liked to her early experiences.  We both wonder what is behind that recurrent dream.   She reminds me of it at the moment, as she communicates with me more.  So I'm writing about it here.

Then an older Hope remembers being in a bath, and feeling very lonely and feeling exposed - so alone, just wet and exposed.

We all wished that F wouldn't have access to the toilet like he used to - like he could just burst in when any of Little Hopes were bathing, and it was like he could then look at Little Hope, and even older Hope.

Little Hope felt like she wanted his love - but she didn't want him touching her.  She wanted her space. 

Adult Hope read in a newspaper today about how dogs turn onto their backs and show their tummies to their owners as a sign of 'trust' and yet the expert talked of how the owner's misunderstood and tickled the dog's tummies - and yet the dogs didn't really like that, but learned to 'put up with it' - and Little Hope related to this, because she was tickled in places that she'd rather not have been tickled in, as if it was a joke and very funny to both her parents - yet she hadn't shown her sensitive parts as a sign of trust - or maybe she did initially and then that was abused.  Trust was abused.  That is what I'm trying to say, and really - parents should 'know better' - they should know how to look after a child and shouldn't treat them that way.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

you're absolutely right hope - parents should know better, should be protective like mama bear, should respect their children's privacy needs, and, ultimately, should allow their child to be able to trust that whatever the child says or feels is validated, accepted, and explored in a way to bring relief and reassurance to a child's anxieties.

you and your little hopes are so brave, so courageous, even if it doesn't feel like it.  i give you all a lot of credit for sharing this.  may i give you a bouquet of spring flowers to enjoy? (hope you're not allergic).  white tulips, yellow daffodils, and some blue hyacinths.  love and a gentle hug coming your way as well.

[Libby183]

Oh, Hope.

I really understand what you are saying, about feeling lonely and exposed and invaded.

My parents viewed the absence of a lock on the bathroom door as a source of pride. Pride in the fact that we were such a close family,  that there was no embarrassment or shame in all of our nakedness.

When I was in the bath,  mother would often send father to collect a tea towel from the airing cupboard in the bathroom. As I grew older, I tried to hide my nakedness,  never brave enough to say anything,  but father reported this to mother and I was soundly ridiculed for being a prude,  and I have come to realise,  for giving them another example of how I did not want to belong to the family.  I think my father did give me a bit more privacy as time went on (and we moved house, so less excuse in the new place), but the price I paid to maintain my privacy,  was further scapegoating and isolation and emotional abuse. To me, this was an issue of growing up and individuation from them. To them, it was hostile, and, I suppose,  abusive and rejecting, by me.

Little Libby is absolutely with Little Hope on this issue.  It was very wrong, trust was abused and lost and our parents should have known and done better.

Well done, Hope. You have given Little Hope a voice and we support and applaud you for this.

Hugs,

Libby.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for your validation here - it means a lot  both to me and to Little Hope.     Thank you also for the beautiful Spring flowers - they are so beautiful and meaningful too - thank you.     What I was amazed by was that after I wrote what I wrote here (on behalf of Little Hope) and then when I re-read it again, Little Hope nearly 'came out of my chest' - it felt like she pushed her way through my breast bone and out of my chest - I'm not kidding - very strongly felt reaction - and it's not the first time she's done that.  I was talking to my partner one day about how I had felt that he showed he truely cared for me - one time when I had hit my head, and was in pain - and how he had showed caring and love towards me, and I was telling him that it had felt so unusual to hear that someone 'actually cared about me' - and at that moment, the physical pain of Little Hope crashing through my chest happened again - right then and there.  It's like she violently reacts to the emotion of that.  I don't know if you relate to the intensity of that feeling, it was a bit shocking to me.  I just wanted to share that with you.

Hi Libby,
Thank you so much for your reply here, and it means a lot that you shared what you said about feeling lonely and exposed and invaded - I am so sorry that we've both had to experience feeling like that and I want to say I hear and understand what you're saying, and it's tough to have experienced that.    to you, if that's ok.

Giving Little Hope a voice is such a big thing - I hadn't really realised how much it would mean to hear her and to validate her experiences, and how much she wanted me to do that for her.  It's like she's been waiting dormant and frozen - alone and afraid, and now I'm reaching out to her and taking her hand, and she can't believe it - someone has actually seen her, and heard her, and is listening to her.  It means a lot. 

Libby & SanMagic - thank you both -  to you both.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

that is so very cool, for both of you.  i've got a great big grin on my face right now cuz i'm so happy for you both.  i haven't had that sensation myself, but i can definitely imagine it.  so very glad little hope is being heard, seen, and taken care of.  it's wonderful.  love and hugs all around.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you - I've only just seen your reply here now, and I appreciate it - very much.    to you.

*****
Trigger warnings throughout - mentioning more graphic things than I'm used to doing:
Just writing a bit more today - here in the Sexual Abuse diary where I'm tending to disclose things - because I've noticed more fragments of memory and also more flashes of thoughts related to sexual issues - which I believe are due to my experiences of SA.  I've been 'getting in communication' with my wounded/fragmented parts, and I've started to feel the presence of a part which may have seen and experienced some of those things more directly than I had realised previously - i.e. during the night last night I was 'shown' flashes of what looked like adult genitalia - but it was in a weird way - as if it was like the genitalia of an old man of the Sea - rather than a normal person, - i.e. like the kind of scene you'd see in a Pirates of the Caribbean film where they show a mer-man - but it was frightening to see that, and it was vivid. 

I've also had flashbacks to when I was between the ages of 8 to 11 years of age, but maybe I was younger - I really don't know - but I remember seeing the erect penis of a dog - which was our household dog, and the feeling at the time that I wanted to somehow sit on it.  Previously I have pushed that thought aside, but in this past week it's been coming at me quite vividly.

I also have a memory from a very very young age - of being in a bedroom where I was in a ?cot and I could hear my parents 'doing something' - and feeling very upset and crying out in my sleep - and I have wondered if that was them sharing a room with me (at a young age) and maybe having sex, and me not understanding what they were doing.

I've also had flashbacks/thoughts about past occasions when I've had internal examinations - both the regular ones, that need to be done - like cervical smears and the like - and how I've felt quite violated by those - although I've managed to cope, but also - remembering how I went to see a GP when I was in my 20's, and actually asked the male GP to examine me to find a tampon that I had 'lost inside' - because I was terrified that I would have some kind of infection from it - I remember the shock on the doctor's face, as he appeared surprised that I'd ask such a thing, but he did get an assistant to observe and he 'had a look' - somehow at some level, I wonder if I was trying to say 'Please help me, find out if I've been sexually abused - look and find the bad part inside of me' - that is how that feels to me.

I remember going to a Clairvoyant weekend, where you can get your palm read and fortune told, and I had some Reiki from a woman there, and she told me that there was 'badness' inside - pointing at my uterus area - and she said there was 'dark energy' there.  That stayed with me, in terms of hearing that and wondering why she would see that in me.

I also know that I have never felt able to fantasise - i.e. sexually - people can ask or talk about their fantasies, and I would always think - But I don't think I have any - it was as if it was repressed away, because of my sexual issues.

I was also incredibly fearful of certain sexual practices, and am thankful that I have a loving and caring partner.

I'm finding that writing things in this diary is helpful, as it is like I can 'put those things here' - and whilst I'm writing about these things, I can hear a part in my head saying to me - "How awful that others will now have to read about all of this stuff - what is wrong with you?" - but you know, I really feel the need to share my thoughts and my feelings about this, as it's tough to keep it inside - and as I write this, I can feel myself whelling up with emotion, because I do feel compassion for myself, and I guess that is positive, because it means I'm communicating with that hurt and upset part of myself - who has felt violated by whatever has gone on in my early experience - and I'm going to get through this, and air it, and hopefully dry out the horrible nature of it.

I actually feel quite annoyed that even writing this, it feels as if I'm locked in some Victorian Gothic novel, if that makes sense - it's like it's through some sticky treacle rather than writing with clarity.  Maybe it's because there's a protective element that is there - from something or someone - maybe my inner parts continue to protect me in that way, I'm not sure.  I am glad I've written about it though, as I already feel less tension.  Thank you for reading, if you have - and I really hope I've not triggered anyone too much.

Hope 

[Andyman73]

Hi Hope,
Trying to get a little cuaght up, while keeping somehwat current on my journal too. Been too long away from here and my other community. Was too muhc, too overwhelming to even think of coming here. But Since I recently started new t(who is totally faboulous!) I've felt that I can handle here and my other place.

Little Hope, sweetheart, you are a precious gem, as beautiful as any flower imagineable. we are so so sorry you had no privacy when bathing. We never did, till big teenager, then mommy stayed out. But by then we lived in a house that mommy and daddy had their own private bath, so no real reason for mommy to come to ours anymore. Mommy used to walk in on us all the time too. Sometimes we hide under the bubbles in water, she not see us so easy then.

We know aobut tickles too....too much, can't breathe...

Little HOpe, we say you so very very brave sharing here with Big Hope.  Can give big hugs??? if safe?  little andy not so big so his big hug is really kinda little. But him like giving hugs to special friends who need them. He think you so smart and brave to talk and share with Big Hope


Dream with big moths...make us wonder. Make us a little uneasy...big things scare us sometimes.


Hi little libby!!! We sorry you not have safe bath times either.


Big Hope, when she crashes through you...is that cuz she wants to feel that safe gentle love too? Sound like that what she wants. We not have that, maybe cuz we boys, and you girls? The reaction, not getting love, I mean. WE do feel hurts and pain or scares when little andy get s them .  Sometimes he get lonely and scared at nightime, so we  squeeze our stuffed puppy tight and curl up under blankets on bed.


Little hope, you not alone anymore, not have to be afraid no more either. We friends here, can be friends for you, too, if you like. little andy not have very many friends cuz him lose some friends the other week.


Hope, I find it quite curious, when you mentioned being in the same room while they were being close. Both of my brothers have said that they have heard through the walls, at various places we've lived. And one brother is completely deaf in one ear. Yet, I, who does have some hearing loss, but not as severe, can't remember ever hearing a single sound that sounded like they were being close. Only explanation I can come up with is that my mind blocked it out becuase of everything else. So our ears heard but our mind didn't listen.


How you mean not able to fanticize? Like day dream? Or sexually? We survived on fantasies. When younger, it was superhero stuff or other things. But to make it through s*x with abusive wife, fantacized about others. Maybe we sound pathetic, now, huh? Is okay. we used to it.


It not awful that you share here, dear sweet Hope. Not at all. Is very brave. Besides we all here have our own scary dark things too. Nothing wrong with you at all. Nothing.  You very very  brave. 
Andy

[Hope67]

Hi Andy,
Little Hope and Adult Hope appreciate all that you and Little Andy wrote here - thank you so much.    to you.

I thought it was interesting what you said about how ears can hear, but the mind doesn't listen sometimes - it's hard to process things sometimes, depending what is going on, and I feel that our brains protected us perhaps from things that were too tough for little minds to bear.

I can day-dream.  Glad you were able to make it through with superhero stuff.  I don't think you sound pathetic at all - you have found ways to survive things, and that's important too.

Thank you for sharing your experiences Andy, and safe hugs to you    You are brave.

Hope 

[Andyman73]

Hi big and little Hopes.  hug everyone!!!

Just hit me, maybe the minds not listening to what ears hearing is another dissociative process?  We have lots and lots of lost time...all those missing memories of normal childhood stuffs. We don't actually remember dissociating, or anything when we was little.
Hmmm, first time we did that kind of thing, from what returned memory showed us...we were 13 and being sa/r in open  public place, lots of bystanders....Boy Scout Jamboree in Munich, Germany. Had the fishbowl thing, derealization...depersonalization...not sure which. Was like we were in a big glass box, and nobody saw or heard anything. 

How come they not see us???  We seee them just walking by...why not see big older man doing this to us???

Then BoyScouts we knew came bye and we escaped bad man. But had to lie to other boys say man was our uncle. Cuz we really do actually have German relatives. And he could have been German great-uncle. Could have, but wasn't. Hmmm, why boys see, but not anyone else? Hmmmm...what that mean???

Sorry Hopes, this your place, not ours. We can change it if you want.    WE try so so hard be brave, you know? Cuz boys 'posed to be brave. But sometmes we just super sacred and freeze up too.   Thannnk you for saying we brave.  Brave is so much hard work. 

[Hope67]

Hi Andy,
I am glad that you were able to write about your experience here - and  to you - I am sorry that no one appeared to see what was happening and that no one intervened to stop it - that is not right.  It shouldn't have happened to you - I am sorry that it did.    to you.   I know you have tried to be brave, and I think you have been brave - I understand that you were super scared, and that you froze up - and I wish you could have had someone to come and stop it happening and protect you. 

Take care Andy, and thank you for the hugs - Big and Little Hopes appreciate them, and wishing you continued bravery, if that feeling feels right to you.  But give yourself some rest too - I know it's hard work being brave, and sometimes maybe it's ok just to 'be' whatever you want to be for a while.


Not sure if I'm making sense here.


Hope 

[Andyman73]

Hi Hope,
Thank you so much for letting us write that stuff. You know....I still get all ....  about that one....I mean, I cant understand the whole derealization or depersonalization that was happening...that whole in a fishbowl experience. I can see it in my mind right now....so so so weird.  Really did feel like we were invisible...you know? Could be maybe they didn't see cuz they didn't want to? like turn blind eye away from 12-13 year old me getting sa/r by man....mentally disabled with some gray hair. DDdone with that now.. too much ooops .

Talk other stuff now. 
Being brave takes concentration and lots and lots of energy. Makes us sooo tired. too.  Yeah sometimes we just get off the train and let it go on without us. Catch it a few days later at it goes by again. Started to call off work or leave early too. Not too much, but just when we really need to. Wife never ever ever ever allow that. But we not know all this stuff then. So it was just the cptsd effecting us with no understanding what it was or why we have it. And she not allow taking time off work with out her approval. She usually allow that for like regular dr appointments and stuff, but for mental health day or what ever...oh no no no.  But now can!  Been super helpful too. And I do have a lot of time saved up...could actually take 2 months off from work, paid, between sick and vacation time.

HOpes...big and little, you been so so nice to us, we say thank you so so much.  all us hugging all you.

HOpe made lots of good sense, yes! And even said it with words that we understand easily. Thank yo for that. We have problems when some use big words and stuff. Confuses us. Makes us feel little and stupid.  So... we so glad you use smart words we know and understand. Thank yhou so so much for that, Hope.

Andy

[Hope67]

Hi Andyman,
Sorry I didn't see your reply till today - and sending you hugs 

**********
Just wanted to write about something that happened last night - as it's triggered me into an EF and I think it will help me to write about it.  I feel quite anxious and upset as I write this, and I tried to settle - and get on with the day, but I think that I need to write about this - and as it is related to CSA - I am writing it here.

I think that whilst doing dot-to-dots (which is my way of relaxing and being mindful) - the content of those was Christmas themes, and featured Father Christmas - and I recognised that those were causing me to feel triggered - and I've thought about the link between Father Christmas and CSA - in that my F did sexually abuse me (I think so) - and he actually looks quite a lot like Father Christmas - in that he has a beard, and his beard is now white - literally he looks a lot like him.

Anyway, last night I was sleeping, but when I went to sleep I was having a flashback of one of my earliest memories, which is of being in my cot as a young toddler and it's like I feel that my F is there, and that he's doing something that I don't feel right about - but it's like I'm watching him do it from the side - and I have wondered what it was he was doing.  So that was what I was contemplating when I was falling asleep.  I also had the feeling that my partner wanted to be intimate - but I wasn't feeling like I wanted to reciprocate that - I was feeling a bit down, and I wanted to sleep.

My memories of my dreams were that I was in the process of moving house - all my belongings packed and I was on a ship in the middle of the sea - there was the similar theme of having to rush to pack everything - this is a theme I get from time to time, and I did have to move many many times in my earlier life - so it is something I am used to feeling.

In the morning, my partner told me that I had been talking a lot in my sleep.  I asked him what I had said, and he was a bit perturbed and said I probably wouldn't like it - but I asked him, and he told me "You said 'Stop it, Dad'.  Then he said that I had seemed to be unsure who he was.  So perhaps I had reverted to a very young me, at that time, and was disorientated to place and also to who he was.

I then felt concerned for him, and how that might have made him feel, and also for myself.

The effect on me is that I am feeling quite upset - it is upsetting that my thoughts and concerns about my F and his inappropriate behaviour to me in the past is affecting me so much - I hate it.  I need to get these emotions out - and I am really upset about it.

I'm glad I'm writing it here - because as I write, I can feel a release of the emotions - it's like parts of me are crying out - wanting to let it out.

I am aware I'm feeling extra stressed today as I have a social thing I've agreed to - and somehow that is feeling quite a big mountain to get through.  So maybe I'm just a bit over-whelmed at the moment.  I need to do quite a few things this morning to get ready for this social thing - i must do them.  I need to get myself together.  I need to cope today without letting emotion out - I don't want to cry infront of anyone - I feel like I need a mask today that will protect me.

I'm having a strong cup of coffee now - I dont' know if that's a good thing or not - but that's what I'm doing. 

I do feel better for having written this down here.

Hope 

[Feral Child]

I know there hasn't been a post here for a while, but wanted to say a few things since this thread has been particularly important to me.

Thank you, Hope66, for being willing to share these memories.  It helps reinforce the truth that my own memories of childhood CSA are valid.  Your courage is awe inspiring.

Wife#2 – Your Mama-Bear has so much power for me.  My T has encouraged me to visualize my "safe space" and I have now been able to bring a beautiful brown grizzly into the space to help all the little Ferals that occupy this amazing place.  She will be a powerful symbol of love, protection and strength as I continue on this path to understanding.  Her beauty and strength bring tears of gratitude to my eyes.

Andyman73 – Your wisdom and kindness give me a more optimistic outlook for what is ahead.

I want to write more, but feel overwhelmed.  To everyone on this thread, I want to say thank you from the depths of my heart.