Sexual politics and the impacts of adult sexual abuse *** triggers ***

[Lingurine]

Wife#2, I think he uses sex to control you. I wonder if there's more to this and he is probably overall a controlling man. You might want to Google Narcissist or Gaslighting. He's telling you things that are not true to keep having control over you. He could also have a sex addiction, because it's not normal to want sex every day, especially if the partner says no. I wonder if he threatens you to go have sex with another woman if you're not willing to. Is he?

This is so sad and abusive.

to you.

Lingurine

[Wife#2]

Lingurine,

Yes, I've heard the threats that he'd get sex somewhere if I keep saying no. I've heard the lectures on how prostitution is necessary as long as there are marriages where the man is not getting his needs met. And, for that reason, it should be kept around and even legalized. And, further, how having that option legal could save marriages - he gets his sex, she doesn't have to 'put out' and the prostitute makes a living.

We had a long debate just before I saw the lawyer. He'd told me he doesn't go in public with me anymore because he keeps looking at other women and lusting. I told him that was a self-control problem, he could have a sex addiction and that lusting after other women IS cheating and sets him up for disappointment.

Very early in the marriage, he would say, 'I love you, I'm in love with you and I lust you'. I told him to stop with the lust part, because it negates what went before. I tried to explain to him that lust is selfish and cares only about pleasing itself. Lust and love can't co-exist. He never did believe me. He stopped saying lust so much, but his behaviors still show it. It was proven when he told me about lusting after unknown women in the local big-box stores. Just because he saw them, he imagined doing things to them I won't allow. He told me all about this as an attempt to shame and guilt me back into sexual activity with him. When it didn't work, our marriage became worse.

When he had to agree that I had solid medical reasons for no sex, he still wants me to 'satisfy' his sexual needs in other ways. It's still about him being pleased and sated. It is not about mutually coming together. The few times he's made efforts to initiate and please me, he always (I wish I was exaggerating) violates my bedroom boundary. For this reason, I tell him I don't want him to do that. Then, he uses my refusal as his excuse to not do any touching at all. I've told him hugs are void when he gropes me. Now, no hugs. He's told me he doesn't enjoy kissing because of his false teeth. So, no more kissing. Yet, if I wish to back away from some part of the activity HE craves, I'm being slack in my marital duties.

Yes, I am being abused. I hate to call it that, but that doesn't make it any less true. My husband abuses me. And he's preparing again, because I haven't been little miss compliant lately. And he's begun his lectures again. And the judgmental attitudes have returned, as well as the sexist comments that he finds hilarious and calls me too sensitive for not laughing with him.

[Lingurine]

Wife#2, the good thing is, you're talking freely about it. That is a good start really, you can come out of the FOG now, expand your horizon a little and practise to put clear boundaries.
Do you know how I know that I'm abused? When I say no to someone and they become angry, mad, in rage even. That's a major red flag for me. People who just want what they want when they want it, are exhausting to me.
You deserve better. You deserve a life with joy and laughter, grief about real things, not over abuse.

Lots of wisdom for you

Lingurine

[Wife#2]

Do you know how I know that I'm abused? When I say no to someone and they become angry, mad, in rage even. That's a major red flag for me.

That was the part that confused me for so long. He doesn't get mad and he certainly doesn't rage. He just goes into lecture mode (something my father did to me often - no anger, just a disappointed lecture). Hubby kept me up many a night 'trying to save our marriage'. Because I said no. I didn't see that as abusive then, but now I see it for the manipulation it is. The next time, I have a choice - stay up all night listening to his lectures or give in so I can get my precious sleep. At least that's how I saw it for many of the early years of this marriage.

You're right, I still have a lot of FOG to clear up. I'm in a better place than I was years ago. I already have a lawyer's name. I already have the means to move out if needed - taking our son with me. I already have a daycare lined up if needed. I check with them every few months, just to be sure. This helps me have courage to stand up for myself if NO is the answer I want to give. Helps. Doesn't assure yet. Also, doesn't assure me the strength to walk away - yet.

[Wife#2]

I'm re-reading this whole thread to put it back into my head what I've discovered, learned, begun to understand. I'm going to need this tonight. It's been more than 24 hours since his last reset (I can't even call it sex anymore. It's HIS reset, HIS relaxation, MY job). It's time to make some decisions.

I needed the refresher. The reminder of that wonderful article - to re-read it. The hugs from all of you as I come to terms with the fact that this is not sexual 'politics', it's abuse. He is abusive towards me. He thinks it is his right as a husband. I'm trying to brace myself to make this the time when I make it clear - no, it isn't his right. My body does not belong to him. Anymore than his bank account belongs to me.

Those who pray, pray for me. I'm going to need it tonight. And thank you!

[Blueberry]

  to you.

[mourningdove]

 

[radical]

   All the love and hugs and payers and caring thoughts I can muster.
You're so worth it, and if your husband is worth it, he will come to see that too.

[Three Roses]

  Thinking of you.  ♡

[Wife#2]

I almost had to laugh last night. He had been Mr. Grumpy McGrumppants because he had a horrible day. It was a horrible day. I felt bad for the fellow - it was just one stoopid thing after another going wrong.

So, when we went to bed, he knew I wasn't feeling the love. He apologized for his grumpiness, but understood, you don't get to grump at me all evening and say, 'I'm sorry' and then still get your reset. He has at least figured that much out.

I sincerely appreciate all the hugs and support! I was humbled and grateful when I saw all of them. Each of you is a treasure in my heart! I'll carry them into tonight, when I'll probably need them. Because I am still in the same deficit situation and he will still expect his reset at some point, likely tonight.

[Contessa]

This post came up, I thought it was new o

[Contessa]

This post came up as a recently updated topic. So apologies for commenting as I hope things have settled.

This is powerful reading Wife#2, and yes, familiar. I cannot add anything that has not already been said.

Thank you for sharing. And thank you all for boosting certainty of having experienced this form of abuse. Xo

[Wife#2]

It's OK, Contessa.

I kind of needed to see this again.

What's changed: I was clear, blatant and definitive in my explanation of why his reset is happening so rarely in the past few years. I made it absolutely clear. When he complained about those unmet needs, I reminded him that I've spent over a decade without my needs being met so I didn't have the appropriate amount of sympathy for his situation. That I would listen to him describe himself as neglected when he's faced a decade of it. Though, he knew as well as I knew that I'd never make him go that long.

What's remained the same: He's still willing to use veiled threats of 'getting it somewhere else', to which I reply - go ahead, but let me know because I'm divorcing you if you cheat. Wouldn't it be better for all concerned if you just started meeting MY needs more often? ::: Crickets ::: Days go by and it's back to the same conversation all over again.

Having this thread re-appear is helpful to me by putting things back into perspective. That was May. It's now October. Very little has changed in a positive way. Except that I now speak up for my needs when he starts complaining. And he's getting fewer resets because I'm feeling less obliged to perform.

[Blueberry]

I now speak up for my needs when he starts complaining. And he's getting fewer resets because I'm feeling less obliged to perform.

While I'm sorry for all that hasn't changed,  for that,

congratulations for speaking up for your needs  and for feeling less obliged to perform . Those are two big steps imo.

[Wife#2]

Thank you for the hugs and the cheers. I needed them both very much today!