All flight, No fight

[expatnelson]

I'll start by saying that my husband is a god-send and we have a very strong, loving, and honest relationship. He's lovely to me and is very patient and understanding. He knows what I struggle with and about my past so he "knows" how I work/operate. There is only one major issue I'm having and it's on my end. I have no idea how to fix it but I know I need to do something about it because I can't imagine him having to deal with this for the rest of his life. I know he would do but, I love him and don't want him to have to live with it. And honestly? I'm tired of dealing with it too.

I have a very strong and overreactive flight response in any type of disagreement or argument. There is not an ounce of fight in me. He is NOT abusive nor do we ever have full out shouting matches or anything of the sort. There is absolutely NO reason for me to be having such an extreme reaction when we argue but, C-PTSD is unfair to me in this regard.

The issue is that if I even sense a change in his speech or his body language I get this jolt of adrenaline through my body, I freeze, and automatically my inner voice starts yelling "oh no, it's happening! no turning back now! you've really outdone yourself this time, you idiot! you've pissed him off! you *'ed up!" and I start crying and apologising for things I've not even done and I feel like I can't breathe. Its sends me in to a fear induced panic that he'll either A) attack me (thanks dad) or B) he'll abandon me (thanks mom) and I just dissolve. I don't know how to stop this from happening. He'll eventually come hold me while I calm down (I hyperventilate pretty severely) and eventually I find myself trying to dissociate. The emotional overload is too much for me.

I honestly wish I could just bicker back like a normal person in a normal relationship would do and then just LET IT GO afterwards instead of thinking about it over and over and over again and picking it apart trying to find where I went wrong and what I could have done differently and blaming myself for things I've not even done. The fear of upsetting him or making him angry sends me in to this spiral downward.

I've gotten a bit better with age. Sometimes I can stop it in the beginning and realise that this is a small thing and if I let it go, it will blow over within the next 20 minutes. But that tends only to happen when I've been having a particularly "stable" time lately . If I'm in a fragile state or stressed out (i'm stressed out a lot)  it's nearly impossible to stop this from happening.

Help?
I'd love to start therapy again but I moved to England to be with my husband about 6 months ago and I'm waiting on biometrics so that I can get on NHS here. Until then, I'm on my own with this. Thanks!

[Three Roses]

Welcome, expatnelson!

There is so much to this condition - causes, symptoms, etc - and I certainly don't want to overwhelm you. We get overwhelmed easily enough, right? 

If I'm in a fragile state or stressed out (i'm stressed out a lot)  it's nearly impossible to stop this from happening.

If your exhalation is longer than inhalation, it triggers a physical response in your body, sending the message to slow your heart rate, etc. Next time you feel stressed, try this; breathe in to a count of 4 and out to a count of 6. You should start feeling calmer pretty quickly.

There are many suggestions on this forum, and lots of helpful tips. Take some time poking around and feel free to jump into any thread to ask questions. We are here to support you in your journey to healing. Thanks for joining! 

[ricepen22]

hi
also in England, I would pester doctors more. its likly you will not get an NHS councillor , they dont like spending money on mental health. you can ask the doctor to put you in touch with mind or another mental health organisation. I ended up paying for a privet theripist (and then lol, they offered me theripy). I googled it and found a list of concilors. then e-mailed the one I liked.

http://mind.org.uk/get-involved/giving-to-mind/text-giving-three/?gclid=CKziy6C2w9MCFVMo0wodKP0Faw