Trying to fill the void with junk food

[Wife#2]

This is the first time I've actively understood that I was trying to fill some void with junk food. I just got back from the break room and I've got a bagel, a bag of chips and a soda. And I wanted to get more, I just didn't have the money. As I was looking at the selections, I wanted it all. I wanted not just one cheeseburger, but all of them. Looking and the standard vending machine, I wanted ALL of my favorites, chips, chocolate, pastries. ALL of it.

I had a visceral sense of wanting to put all that food inside me. A small part of my brain said that it would mean stuffing the food in. The rest of my brain shouted - FINE, just gimme! It was almost a sense of panic that I couldn't get enough food!

I'm already morbidly obese and not active enough. Alright, truth - I barely move once I get home from work and handle what little household stuff needs handling. I'm also aware of dreading going home tonight. And of having to work late - that's normal and doesn't cause problems at home. Still, I want to hide from the work, hide from my coworkers and crawl into a small, protected corner and EAT and EAT and EAT until I fall asleep. It's taking everything I have to stay where I am, finish this sentence and force myself to return to my job.

What is going on? I didn't think I was a food-soother. I also don't remember getting particularly triggered. The only thing I can think of is that at lunch I ate too much. My coworker had brought bread and chicken salad so we could all make sandwiches. She'd made hers and I made mine. There was some salad left, but not much. There was only a heel slice left on the bread. She mentioned throwing it out and a voice inside me screamed, 'NO! Don't waste this, it's good!'. But, there was so little, it was hard to argue or offer to take it. So, I made a second sandwich out of what was left - and made sure to leave no waste.

I felt like a pig, then. Similarly to how I feel when I finish what my son doesn't want at dinner, or what my husband fixes for himself and decides is too much. I feel like a garbage disposal, but I do it willingly. I can always say no. The dogs at home hope I will, because they will likely get the leftovers. Still, lately, I find myself determined to eat it all. Every morsel. NO WASTE. I MUST eat it all.

The logical side of me knows that's wrong. It knows that I already have a slow metabolism and IBS. I shouldn't be just shoving food in. It knows I feel better when I watch what I eat (not too closely) and make healthy choices. It's just not loud enough to shout down that other part that says - MORE, GIMME, NOW!

I really do feel like Violet on 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'. I want it NOW, I want it ALL. And, yet, I know that's not my normal self. ::: shaking head :::

The bagel is gone. The chips were inhaled. I'm drinking the soda. Time to get back to work.

[womangum]

Please don't blame yourself. It sounds like you are suffering from serious hormone imbalance. There are hormones in your gut that tell your brain that YOU ARE STARVING EAT ALL YOU CAN NOW EAT EAT EAT and no amount of talking yourself out of it will stop you. You really need to be kind to yourself about this. Shaming yourself and beating yourself up over something that is taking over your brain is too too cruel to yourself. Are you making yourself go hungry a lot? Because that can cause it. Or have you lately tried to eat less and less to control your weight. This just messes up the gut.  There is a very very good eating program at Curves called Curves Complete (NOT Jenny Craig) where they deal with the hormones . Unfortunately, you have to eat (wouldn't it be great if we could just avoid the food for a bit to get control???). You have to be a member of Curves to do the diet. Just a suggestion.

Also, I know it is hard, but there is a site (free) about self-compassion online. We need to be kind to ourselves. There are meditations and exercises that may help you be kinder to yourself and less likely to be harmful. They are short and not hard to do.

Please know that you are worthy of your own love and compassion.

[Blueberry]

Wife#2, I do this too.  Usually it's telling me something in my emotions is unbalanced. I doN't know about hormones. The idea is new to me - I really ahve no idea there. At the moment I'm mostly allowing myself to over-eat. At least I'm doing some exercise, but not much. Nothing like sport or anything but I do walk and cycle places.

It was a eureka moment for me years ago in therapy when I realised: I'm more than just my body! You too are more than just your body and more than just your determination to leave no waste. When you're ready what's behind that might 'surface' and then you can work with it.

[sanmagic7]

wife2, when ii was researching alexithymia, one of the symptoms of coping with unknown emotions was addictions.  i'm not saying you're addicted to food, but it was the idea that when there's some discomfort that we can't identify, and we don't know how to self-soothe, we go for what we can grab for a 'quick-fix' to make that discomfort go away.  i'm familiar with this, cuz i do it, too.

i agree that yelling at yourself neg. will not help.   one way i've been changing my brain is by gentle, soothing, nurturing self-talk, or rather brain-talk.  talking to my brain, sometimes out loud, like it's a small child who had been mis-taught, given false messages, so it gives me false messages, especially about pain.  i do believe it's helping. 

i've also begun asking what is making me feel uncomfortable when it comes to wanting to eat in order to force that discomfort out of the way, distract myself from it.  that's a little more difficult, but it, too, is helping.  identifying fear, for example.  what am i afraid of?  what do i think might happen?  why do i think i can't deal with it?  etc.  any questions that seem pertinent.

also, some of the physiology, which you might already know, is that when under stress or duress of any kind, the brain craves sugar, salt and grease.  sounds like junk food to me.

bottom line has been the lack of self-soothing, knowing how to do it, what we need to hear, pos. messages that have been missing.  the more of those we put into our mind, the less room there is for the neg. stuff that just continues to hurt us.  just letting you know i hear you!  big hug, my dear friend.

[Candid]

H and I watched the second Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead http://www.rebootwithjoe.com/watch-fat-sick-and-nearly-dead/ last night. We'd seen the first one last year. Joe Cross makes a really good case for juicing, iow taking in lots of micronutrients. The theory is if you do the reboot, you won't crave junk food any more. He also credits it with sorting out all sorts of long-term ailments.

So we weighed ourselves this morning, and I'm horrified and sad at the shape I'm in. We've vowed to do regular Sunday weigh-ins and cut out all the junk.

[Blueberry]

Today I've been eating a really strange mix of sweet junk and exceedingly healthy greens, raw, directly out of the garden. Dandelions and stuff like that.

I know of and agree with most of what sanmagic says. It's just that I've chosen to allow myself my addiction for the time being.

[sanmagic7]

o, so have i, blueberry!  i'm far from out of the woods with this.  especially during this time.  me and peanut butter have become best friends!!!

it's gotten better than what it was, and for that i'm thankful.  small steps, very small steps.  we'll make it.

[Wife#2]

I'm still trying to fill the void with junk food. But, I think I got some insight this weekend. I think the void is named - no-intimacy-no-touch. That void is too big for food to fill. I'm not hungry, I am stressed. So, a lot of what you said, San makes very good sense. I'm checked regularly for hormones, because of my thyroid condition. but, I think that thyroid condition is a cart/horse situation.

I've always had minor food issues. I've always been terrified of being fat, like Mom, her mother, her mother, etc. I've always abhorred Mom's horrible eating habits, especially post-divorce. My habits are better, but it's a marginal difference.

See, the thing is, I know I'm not hungry when I do this. I further know that there will be no purge later. It is an awareness that I feel empty - not hungry, that's different - and that I must fill it with SOMETHING. I will sometimes choose the healthy snack or healthy meal or turn down the left-overs or whatever other healthier decision is available. But, when the EMPTY starts screaming at me, I'll fill it with whatever junk food I can get my hands on.

I used to have a candy jar in my office. Some took advantage, taking several pieces of the most expensive option and not helping with the replacement funds. When the EMPTY started screaming at me just before the new year, I used the holidays (and giving to my own children) as my excuse for not filling the candy jar. Now, it's empty as protection from myself. Sure, I blame the greedy coworkers for the empty jar. But, the truth is, I can't trust myself in this office with that candy jar full.

I had a tough emotional weekend. Hubby wasn't mean, just taking completely for granted again and maintaining his expectations as usual. All weekend, I was shoveling in. Junk, what each had got but couldn't finish. I've felt sick all weekend, too. And emotional. And like I had nobody IRL to talk with. Since I don't trust that I have any privacy at home, I can't get here on days when I'm not working.

Pulling it together. I still have a lot to figure out, don't I? Hopefully, I don't just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Not feeling real confident right now.

[Blueberry]

I've been sucking and even crunching cough drops all day, far more frequently than you'd do for a cold. Till I realised: I need to do some internal sorting-out > > get on OOTS!

[Wife#2]

  Blueberry. I do that, too sometimes.

A promise I'm going to make myself - drink more water. Just that one for now. Maybe not enough, but more than I am now.

Maybe you can find something that helps you - stretch every time I want a cough drop.  I don't know.

I feel like the blind trying to lead the blind here. Just, try to find a minute to be kind to yourself, ok? I will, too.

[Blueberry]

Well, I'm not crunching cough drops at the computer. I have been managing to post, even in my Journal, so I'm sorting a bit and that helps.  to you too. Thanks for starting this thread.

[Blueskies]

I was also morbidly obese. It turns out that the bigger you get the more food you crave and the worse the sugar and carb cravings get...you may literally never feel full. I was eating an entire packet of crumpets or muffins in one go to feel full.

If you ever want to try something different, which worked for me, a low carb diet is amazing. I haven't even been doing it for 18 months yet and I have lost 8 and a half stone, and no longer have insatiable hunger. Also the hormone imbalances were making me so emotional, and that's all stabilised. The bigger you get, the more unbalanced your hormones can get and then you end up all over the place. Atkins is good, but I am doing low carb, no dairy or wheat, and almost zero sugar, apart from a little dark chocolate each day. You don't go hungry and your hunger cravings just go.

I'd be careful of juicing as you can overload your liver and it's still sugar  - a lot of sugar. If you want a really interesting film on sugar, 'That Sugar Film' on Amazon is hilarious and fascinating and life changing.

[Blueskies]

Also, to cope with emotional voids, meditation can help as it gives you a gap between craving and action. And it can give u a higher tolerance for being with and exploring the discomfort....sometimes if you stay with numbness inside it will turn into something else - like grief or rage. Sometimes it only feels empty because you have shut it down, but it wants to be felt. It's a bit like an inner child who has shut down but is actually very upset or anxious or angry and just wants to be heard. Some good people to read on meditation are Jon Kabat-Zinn (there are lots of lovely meditations on Youtube) and Pema Chodron (author of Places that Scare You). The latter talks about turning towards those scarey, uncomfortable, empty places in ourselves and learning to develop compassion towards them - it's deep healing work. Also just mindfulness meditation can really help.

[Candid]

I've just switched to making my own plate of salad in the evenings instead of eating MIL's overcooked, fat- and carb-laden meals. I was surprised I didn't feel hungry at all, much less having it keep me awake. Here's to micro-nutrients! 

Next step is to get some walking scheduled. I have plenty of wobble, and I've realised the longer I let it go on, the harder it will be to get out there.

[Wife#2]

I did buy salad ingredients on the last grocery run. I can get the walking done. I can get a better pair of walking shoes and I know I can get my son out walking with me.

I do need to lay it on the line for my husband. If he really loves me and wants me to live a long time, he has got to help me with this dietary change. He's the primary cook during the week and he prefers to cook 'feel-good' comfort foods.

I'm coming to realize that his ability to have a meat and two or more vegetables at EVERY meal is his proof to himself that he can provide for his family better than his mother could provide for him and siblings. The diet is very poor. He eats two meals a day, but they are dinner and before-bed meal. I have to get him on board or he will continue to make these fat-laden meals.

I'm not one to make fancy meals or to expect the kids to eat escargot or calamari (we can't afford those anyway LOL), but I do think having simple meals and encouraging fruit or raw vegetable snacking in the evening could teach our children better habits AND improve our health along the way. I don't know how to break hubby out of this mindset that providing junk food is loving to our children. I can't do that on my own.

What I can do is to buy these things and let DS8 know that I am doing this because I love him and want to set him up for healthier living for the rest of his hopefully long life. I will eat the healthier options - I actually like raw broccoli and carrots and tomatoes! So does DS8! Raw fruit is also fun, but again there are sugars in fruit, so yummier but also not so healthy. I can't get hubby to think of these as snacks.

I'm writing a lot to myself, I know you know these things. Thank you for bearing with me.

It's time to sit down and listen to the empty-feeling spot. It's time to be the grownup and buy groceries responsibly and give hubby the choice, learn to cook healthier meals or stop cooking and I'll fix dinner when I get home. Because I can choose to NOT eat the comfort foods (though I also love them). I can choose to eat for a longer life, for the enjoyment of healthy foods and what they are doing FOR my body.

It takes a turn-around in action. Eat healthier, move more, gain energy, eat even healthier, move even more, gain even more energy. Make a LIFE change that is LIFE AFFIRMING. Break the depression/junk food/overweight/unhealthy/rinse & repeat cycle. Replace it with the enthusiastic/healthy food  snacks/healthy weight/increased energy/rinse & repeat cycle.

Then, it's time to look at why I smoke and love myself enough to quit. And watch my DS8 rejoice and celebrate. First, let me tackle this dietary & emotional hurdle, though. That's going to be big enough!