The realization of my narcissistic mother

[Marie]

Hello everyone,

First post.

My Mother is a Narc she was terrible growing up she was never around haven't a clue where she would be. I grew up in her original house it was very dysfunctional we lived with her whole family. I can kind of see how she became this way but it doesn't make it OK.

She was never around growing up, if she was she would be screaming, shouting slapping. Always, leaving us with others. i watched my uncles kick the * out of each other growing up. One of them was always in trouble with the law and trying to commit suicide must be where i learned it from. :falling bricks: He was horrible to my father always calling him names to us and beating him when they would be around each other in front of us all i can assume is this was because of what she was telling them about him they believed her even tho she was running around with other men, one in particular i remember, she used to take me with her and tell me all her * secrets. 

We eventually moved to a new house. Same here she was never around and worked her way around my fathers schedule so she would not get caught. Me and my other sister raised the other ones i became very rebellious drinking, doing drugs and sleeping with anyone for affection but it didn't give me any this behaviour carried its way all through my 20's.

I left school very young when this happened this was her perfect opportunity to get her claws in. I completely isolated myself about 3 years later never left the house unless it was to go somewhere with her we argued from morning to night. She knew where all my triggers were, she was awful because of this.  :falling bricks: I would go shopping with her at the checkout she would make a remark in front of everyone about how i don't pay for anything  it was so embarrassing that i eventually stopped going inside the shop. I still react to this one (NOW) She turned the whole family against me in different ways even tho we lived together!!!

I was suffering with severe depression but i never knew what was wrong with me and anytime I would do research or anything to get stuff to read I would have to hide it because she would either make fun of me, tell me not to be so stupid or take it and say she didn't.  She would tell the whole family not just immediate what I was reading or whatever and they would make fun of me too. Sounds so petty but my got it was traumatizing she used to take my mail, tell people i wasn't there, eventually it all became normal i never questioned it. She told all her brothers and sisters i was a very bad child that there was something wrong with me.

I used to try and please her but now when i think about it I'm baffled how she did it.

I eventually said to myself i need to get out of here away from her and i did  then i ended up here again after 2 years. Decided i needed to leave again and guess what here i am again i don't know why i keep coming back i already know its a nightmare and she will never change. Its like when the going gets tough i come but this is worse and i know it.

I have a very hard time struggling with day to day. People think its excuses but its not i haven't worked in so long in my own country i think it is in relation to her. I'm not great around people I'm very self conscious and feel like people just don't like me.   

There is much more to this story but I'm sure its a good enough outline to give an idea.

I have done number amounts of personal development i read about it and how to get over it all the time i am taking psychology courses but i just don't feel anything I'm getting much better, but i still don't like to go out to much, hate crowded places and i have no friends because i feel like i just can't connect with anyone. How do i get over this its not a case i have not tried i have.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Marie! Glad you're here.

How do i get over this its not a case i have not tried i have.

Keep reading here, keep posting - feel free to ask questions as you go. No one can tell you how you get better; we are all different and one thing doesn't work for everyone. But you've taken an important first step, you've acknowledged there was abuse and you've been affected by it.

Thanks for joining! 

[Candid]

I get it, Marie. My mother hated me and taught others, including me, to hate me too. I have no answers for you but I hope you'll stick around and post more.

[Marie]

Hi Thank you both for your replies i have been reading there are lots of great resources on here

[Georgie Girl]

Hi Marie,
I understand completely as my so called Mother was also a narcissist. I am in my 50s and only now that she is dead have I started to deal with the fallout of her neglect and abuse as she had too strong a hold on me. I believe that if I had my diagnosis earlier in my life it would have given me strength to resist her invasive tentacles and stay away from her. So I am sending you strength to achieve what is right for you.