Some of my childhood sexual abuse - TRIGGER WARNINGS

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i had a situation with my mom that, when i told it to a friend, she labeled it as sexual abuse.  now, it doesn't go along with what 3roses defined it as, i don't think, but my friend was adamant.  it was the first time i'd ever thought of it that way.

my mom also loved butts for caressing and spanking.  i also had to endure enemas given by my mom and dad together whenever i missed a day of a bowel movement.  this stopped around 9, but i remember it.  it was very embarrassing, but i thought they were doing this for my own good and just went along with it.

the one thing she did that i felt really  uncomfortable with was that even as a senior in high school, she'd wake me up by rubbing my butt.  i didn't like it, but didn't say anything mainly because it seemed like it was something she enjoyed doing, and i didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her i didn't like it.  when i told this to my friend, she said that the mere fact that i felt i couldn't speak up about it was abusive.

i talked to my bro about it, he said she did the same thing to him, including rubbing his back and shoulders, and he had no neg. feelings about it.  so, is there a minimum to what is csa?  this all seems pretty petty to me, yet i've now had 2 friends who've been horrified about these incidents (the other was aghast about the enemas).    it's confusing at best. 

i don't think she enjoyed it in a sexual way, but rather as a mom-gesture.  still, outside opinions make me think.  by the by, blueberry, i totally believe you and feel for you - as you can see, it triggered memories of my own that i still question.  big hug!

[Blueberry]

the one thing she did that i felt really  uncomfortable with was that even as a senior in high school, she'd wake me up by rubbing my butt.  i didn't like it, but didn't say anything mainly because it seemed like it was something she enjoyed doing, and i didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her i didn't like it.  when i told this to my friend, she said that the mere fact that i felt i couldn't speak up about it was abusive.

I tend to agree with your friend on this one. Even if you don't see it as sexual abuse - which you don't have to, since you know yourself whether or not the activity evoked 'strange' feelings in you at the time or not - I see it being problematic that you couldn't tell her you didn't like it because you didn't want to hurt her feelings. Your feelings ought to play a role too, as a dependent child! I don't think it's petty. "Petty" sounds to me like an external idea, something somebody else said, along the lines of "you're making mountains out of molehills / jumping on the incest bandwagon" etc.

I find the idea of enemas pretty strange, but I suppose your parents might have genuinely believed that not having a daily bowel movement was physically very harmful or something. Strange though that they got over it when you were about 9. I would've found it embarrassing too, especially with F there as well.

I remember when I was about 8 or 9 maybe asking a friend if her M ever hugged her. She said "Of course!!" and suggested I just tell my M I wanted a hug, but I just shook my head because I knew even then my M didn't like hugging and I felt I needed to protect her from her feelings. The usual parentification. Just weird. Can't hug your children but touch them in inappropriate ways instead 

Thank you for validating me once again at the end of your post. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry.  that idea of protecting our parents' feelings seems to run through this beast in a big way.  you're right, my feelings were important, and needed to take precedence.  it sucks, tho, that you believed you couldn't ask your m for a hug.  dang - we are amazing people for having survived all this crapola.  that's all i can say.  love and hugs, my dear.  i think i can put that whole thing to rest now in its own little compartment.  i don't need to chew on it anymore.

[Blueberry]

sanmagic, it's great if you can put it away in a compartment and not let it interfere with you any more!

[sanmagic7]

i appreciate the encouragement, blueberry.  i think i shall do just that.  here's hoping more of us are able to take some of these pieces and put them out of the way of our getting better.  hugs to you.