Narcissistic Parents

[Hope66]

I've been reading a book by Beverley Engel called "Healing Your Emotional Self" and as usual, I've 'rushed' through the book, and not bothered to do many of the exercises - infact none of them, and I'm realising a theme here - I feel I need to engage in more processing via exercises, but a large part of me is resisting that - but I still hunger to learn more and read more - so I do.

Anyway, I'm digressing a bit - when I came to Chapter 15 of this book, I found that Chapter to be really powerful - in that I related so much to it, and the title of that chapter is:

"If you Had a Self-Absorbed or Narcissistic Parent - Healing the "I Don't Matter" Mirror".

I want to quote some bits that resonated with me:

"Many narcissistic parents want to destroy their children.  They do not want them to exist.  In order to take care of a child, parents frequently must put their own needs aside.  Narcissistic parents resent having to do this, because they tend to be selfish and self-absorbed - only their needs count.  At the same time, narcissistic parents want their children to be at their beck and call and to take care of their needs.  While many narcissistic parents resent having to take care of their children, they grow to expect that their children will take care of them."

"As a child of a narcissist, your biggest challenge will be to free yourself from the grip of your parent's stranglehold on you.  Narcissistic parents do not want their children to have a separate self.  They want complete control over their children, to ensure they will be available to satisfy their needs.  If a child develops a separate life, she will not be as responsive to her parents' needs."

Another part I related to a lot was this statement:

"Children of narcissists are fearful of looking inside, of really getting to know their true selves, often because what they tend to find is a deep anger or rage toward their oppressive parent."

During the reading of this chapter, I experienced a flashback to a memory of when I was very little, and I remember having the feeling that I hated my M, and I even had a mental flashback that I'd wanted to strangle her - believe me when I say I've never hurt anyone in my life, not intentionally anyway, and I am a very gentle non-violent person, yet as a very young child I had felt hatred to my own M - yet I'd repressed that memory, and not allowed it to surface till I was reading this book - and it brought it back.

The book says:
"The truth is, you cannot have been raised by a narcissitic parent without experiencing tremendous rage towards him or her.  You must accept that anger is part of life and part of yourself."

I really liked the suggestions in the chapter, including the following titles of sections of that chapter:

Mourn the Loss of a Healthy Childhood
Separate Yourself from Your Parents' Values, False Beliefs and Negative Habits
Allow Yourself to Experience Life
Explore your Creativity
Join a Group
Focus on Establishing an Inner Life
Seek Outside Help

I got this book out of the library, and I photocopied that chapter, as it was so meaningful to me.  I wanted to share parts of it today - and hope I've put it in a place that fits, in terms of topic content.

Hope 

[Wife#2]

This made me laugh, in a knowing, I get it kind of way.

Once, I had a therapy session with myself, MY therapist, my mother and one of my sisters. Sister came as she agreed to remove Mom if Mom got out of hand - the only reason I agreed to have the joint session.

The part of that event which came back while reading what you wrote is this: I asked my sister, 9 years my senior, what she remembered most about me as a child. Her answer surprised me. 'You were an angry child.' Really. Wow. Because we stopped living in the same house when she was 18 and I was 9. So, this angry child she remembers could not have been older than 9. What child is that angry at such a young age?

Ahh, here is the answer! The child of a narcissist, self-absorbed parent. It does make much better sense now.

Thank you for posting this. This sounds like another book for me to put on my wish list.

[Kizzie]

If it helps Hope, I had an NPDM and I had a TON of anger and grief. At first when I let myself see it I was so so guilty, I mean what kind of person feels this kind of hatred and anger toward their M? I read a lot here and over at OOTF and slowly came to see this as a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.  My anger began to change into deep, deep sadness that I had been more like an object to my M than a person, responsible for filling her up with positives, shoring up her ego  and leaving myself behind in the dust. 

Nowadays I can look square on the fact that my M always did and always will put herself first without pounding my fists on a wall (which I did the day I told her I had Ovarian Cancer and she wanted me to support her) - that was when I knew it was time to go NC/LC with FOO), or curl up in a ball, rock and cry for hours at a time.  At some point I bought a giant stuffed teddy bear to hug when I was feeling that grief and it helped. It was like I was acknowledging my overwhelming loss of loving, safe parents, and helping my Inner Child to grieve with the support of my adult self. 

Tough to go through but so worth it once you do. I hope this is hopeful/useful 

[Hazy111]

This is good too.

https://lonerwolf.com/narcissistic-mother-father/

[Hope66]

Wife2, Kizzie & Hazy111,
Thank you all for your replies.  I'm a bit rushed for time today, or at least I feel as if I'm struggling to reach any constructive sentences - so I just wanted to say 'thank you' for now.  :-)
Hope 

[joyful]

Hope,
this is what I'm working on right now. (lol ok, I feel like i'm working on something different every week..) thank you so much for posting this. Working on knowing and caring for myself is probably the *first* thing I need to work on,,

Hazy,
that was a great article, just skimming it and nodding my head all the way down... yep yep yep.
thank you!

[Fictionalizer]

I must've been my Nmother's worst nightmare. I had a highly developed inner life because I was poly-fragmented DID which started at age three. I also playacted out the abuse by my APD/Nfather. Playacting was internal and with dolls/toys. And on top of that I was/am an introvert. She had a definite hatred toward me because I wasn't there for her.

When I first started to remember what happened in my childhood loads of rage surfaced. At the time we had a basement and I'd go down there and scream and bash and throw things. We changed out a toilet and I got to destroy it with a sledgehammer.

[clarity]

I once spent an unbelievably out of control 10 minutes smashing a photo frame and ripping up a pic of my (deceased) N father to pieces. It was like being in a scene from a movie. Just absolute rage. Before I knew about cptsd and it was so scary. Now I totally get it 10 years later!  I think I knew how angry I was from dot. Mother loves to relate a tale of me at 2 years old kicking my little tricycle shouting 'damn bike!'.... as if it proves how difficult I was even then.  Im actually relieved that I was able to be angry...it probably saved me from further abuse. Or maybe it just wound them up and made it worse?!

Owning your emotions Hope... its the direct, though undulating! route to freedom. 

[Blueberry]

Clarity, your post reminds me that I used to beat up my doll when I was max. 3 years old. Maybe all girls do that? I used to shout at her, hit her and throw her around the room. I didn't do that to any of my stuffed animals though. Just to this representation of a little human girl. FOO was amused by this, then and in later years. Now having written it down, i feel sad. So I'm going to sit with that. FOO was amused by so much that wasn't funny at all.

[Lingurine]

Hope66, Thank you for posting this, sometimes I forget in what chaos I lived as a child, before I slowly tried to disengage myself from the lives of my N parents.
I had to go NC at an early age. It was impossible for me to develop a healthy self next to them, while seeing them. I still keep my anger inside. My T tries to get it out, but I'm still afraid to do that.

My parents did not want me to be myself, I had to live for them. As a kid I silenced myself in order to do just that. When I became an adolescent, I started to rebel and soon became the scapegoat. They tried to keep me short, but it was too late, I already decided I wanted out. I left home at 18. When I was in my late twenties, I decided not to see them ever again.

Until this day I have to protect myself from family members who still try to change my NC and get back their control over me. Boundaries are strong but their will to cross them is too. Until now it never worked though.

I searched and found all the help I needed to heal and recover from the abuse. It still is a day to day struggle for me, at least I know who I am now. Free at last.

Lingurine

[Candid]

I've been reading a book by Beverley Engel called "Healing Your Emotional Self" and as usual, I've 'rushed' through the book, and not bothered to do many of the exercises - infact none of them...

I do the same, along with endlessly listing things that would be good for me and not doing them, either -- and I've only recently found out why. The link http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1911comes with a trigger warning, because it triggered the * out of me. I think the reason for that is it put me too close to looking at my anger -- no, RAGE! -- and I'm scared to go there without a therapist to hold my hand.

"The truth is, you cannot have been raised by a narcissistic parent without experiencing tremendous rage towards him or her.  You must accept that anger is part of life and part of yourself."

It's good to see that in black and white. I was ostracised by my FOO a long time ago, so there's nowhere for the anger to go except self-destruction. I've reached the point where stuffing it down with addictions is making me ill. Can we find (or create) something for this thread that shows people without boundaries how to find the motivation for self-care?

Sounds like a good book, Hope66. Thanks for posting.

[Hope66]

I have just seen that there is a lot to read in this thread, and I hope to pop back here and read through when I can - I have to go just now - but I'll hope to be back and read people's comments, as this thread really matters to me - and I want to read and digest everyone's replies.

Hope