Help me

[lijygr]

Hey, so I have never gone onto any thing like this before and I don't really know what I'm supposed to say about everything. It think that fact that I'm posting on this website it's obvious what kinda things are in my past. I know that a lot worse things have happened to other people and I brought most of it on myself so I shouldn't be complaining. There was multiple people that did something to me and by the time the last one came along I almost pretty much invited it and by 14 you're old enough to know better. Anyway that doesn't matter what i want to know is how people make relationships work as an adult because I'm pretty much at the point of giving up. I have two children to a person that makes me feel like * for not being able to put everything aside and to do what's normal for people. He has told me that he doesn't want to waste his youth with me if that's something I can't fix, and I find myself defending him and justifying his requests and hurtful statements. I'm sorry I'm this post doesn't read coherently if I go back and check it I won't send it, but please I just need to know how people function and love another person

[schrödinger's cat]

Uhm. We do it with great, great difficulty? I'm not sure if there's a how-to on loving people... sadly enough, because I'd need one, too.

First of all, whatever happened to you - if it happened before you were fourteen, then there is no way in h*ll that you're to blame. Your abusers are to blame. Everyone who should have protected is to blame. Everyone who should have seen how distressed you were is to blame. You're good people, Iijygr. You have so much trouble to deal with - all the abuse in your past, and then your partner's behaviour - and what you want the most is to learn how to love others? That's a real core of goodness right there. You've got a good heart. Even wanting to love is a sign that you're already doing it. It's something selfless and generous and proactive. If more people wanted what you want, the world would be a much better place.

You might find this website helpful. It's by a therapist called Pete Walker. He specializes in CPTSD, and he also has CPTSD. His writing isn't as clinical and detached as other experts'; you really notice that he knows what he's talking about, that he's lived it. There are several free texts on his website. I'd recommend starting with those about emotional flashbacks.

As for functioning and loving others... honestly, I'm not sure what to say. As far as I know, there's only one way to do this properly, and it's to recover from CPTSD and learn how to cope with the symptoms. I tried doing it the other way - "functioning" on the same level as people without CPTSD - and it didn't work for me, so I can't give you any advice on how to do it successfully. I pushed my "bad feelings" away, but that only cut me off from all my feelings, and I went emotionally numb and lost my ability to feel love, or joy, or excitement, or even contentment. I didn't feel anything. Well, I still felt worried and anxious pretty much all the time, but there weren't any positive feelings at all. Do you have a therapist? Maybe they'd be able to tell you more?

Lastly, welcome to this forum! I'm pleased to meet you, and I wish you all the best for your recovery. 

[voicelessagony2]

Hi lijygr,

Welcome to OOTS 

I can tell you are hurting, and I want you to know that your pain is honored here. Nobody is going to make you prove that you deserve to feel your pain.

I know that a lot worse things have happened to other people and I brought most of it on myself so I shouldn't be complaining.

lij (can I call you lij for short?)
If there is only one thing you learn, one thing you take from here, please know this: There is nobody anywhere that can claim the crown of "Worst Trauma." Every single one of us in here could easily find someone who had it worse if we looked for it. That does not make your pain any less real to you, and it does not help you recover and grow.

And, I don't care what you think you did to cause whatever happened to happen, at 14 you were still a child! You cannot be blamed for your parents or caretakers FAILURE to take care of you. If they hurt you in ANY way, they are the adults and it is 100% their fault. My heart literally hurts right now thinking how it must feel for you to be carrying around this blame for something that was not your fault.

Please get yourself some therapy. Help is available, and you owe it to yourself to try.
I found this website a couple weeks ago, (http://www.loveisrespect.org/) and they will talk or chat online with you for free, they are VERY kind and helpful, and they will just listen if you just want to talk. 

[Badmemories]

 

everyone did such a good job answering Your question so I don't have much to say. I do think that comparing what we have been through and what others have been through is a form of denial... It is so easy to say 'such and such had it much worse that me.'  The problem is that we can ALWAYS find someone that had it worse. That doesn't matter... what does matter is that we are suffering by what happened to US...a lot of abuse.. or a little abuse... HOW DID IT AFFECT AND RUIN MY LIFE? That is what is Important.

Don't worry about what You write, whatever YOU want to express... we are here, and we understand,. 
Keep on Keeping on!