My type of self-harm - Trigger warning

[Andyman73]

 
Well done on hair washing.
Sometimes it's all I can do, to do the basics as well.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Andy! Put a big  on my face

[Andyman73]

Glad it made you smile, BlueBerry! That was my intent. 

[Blueberry]

Quoting from another thread:

I feel like mentioning that I've heard handwriting utilizes a different part of the brain, enabling you to access deeper feelings.

Interesting. Presumably one reason I'm better off writing here and not writing out by hand in my paper journal. Here is safe-guarding me from going too deep. Writing by hand in almost all situations gives rise to me pulling my hair out. While there are a whole host of reasons for me behind this type of SH, one is anger directed at myself that ought to be directed elsewhere and another is a general type of self-punishment for breaking family taboos e.g. speaking out (washing their dirty laundry in public)

It's also a lot harder for me to write in my paper journal. I get stuck, my brain closes down, I lose my train of thought, can't feel emotions and remain in thinking part of brain. Tho it has been getting a bit better recently, a sign of healing I'm sure.

[Deep Blue]

Blueberry,
I'm with you on this.  It's sometimes harder for me to write in a physical journal for 2 reasons.  1 because I shut down... similar to how you feel I think?  But also because I'm scared my T will have me read it out loud.  I'm not a fan of doing that.

I like how you said that you are getting better in this area and noted your progress.  Well done

[Blueberry]

Thanks Deep Blue 

Yes, it sounds as if 'shutting down' might be what I'm doing.

I actually often read bits to my T, it helps me remember and focus on what's been going on in the interim 2, 3, 4 weeks. We all have different ways of surviving, different breakthroughs in healing. Different strengths you could say but I don't like seeing the other side of the coin as a weakness because it got there through injury, not intrinsic 'weakness'. 

[Deep Blue]

We all have different ways of surviving, different breakthroughs in healing. Different strengths you could say but I don't like seeing the other side of the coin as a weakness because it got there through injury, not intrinsic 'weakness'.

Well said! I agree with you here so much

[Blueberry]

For years I have had problems doing anything new with my hair. I do try different things from time to time, but it's just really, really difficult. And sometimes my immediate impulse afterwards is to self-harm. I may not, I may manage to not do so. But that's my standard impulse, sometimes almost as if my hands have a mind of their own. I used to say "my hands want to do it" because the impulse was not only in my mind but somehow physical too (visceral?).  (It's the case also but to a lesser degree with putting on makeup, wearing perfume etc. etc.)

...and then I left it (my hair) pinned up while client was here because I think you don't notice quite so much how badly it needs washing this way. The huge progress is that I managed to go through with work with client without feeling self-conscious    and more particularly

**** Severe TRIGGER WARNING violence ***





without the impulse to pull all my hair out by the roots and/or hack it all off with scissors and simultaneously chop my own head off.

*** End Severe Trigger Warning ***

I'm reading back in here because of pretty strong impulses almost the same as that above (no scissors involved atm and more impulse on knocking own head off). I've been having them on and off for days, possibly weeks even. Why? I know I need to get my hair cut. For quite a few practical reasons (including keeping my apt clean), short would be good, but that sets off the impulse.

It's useful to read I've had this impulse before, don't need to ask if anybody else knows this because I myself know it already!!

I had a very useful session in occupational therapy this morning and I'd say it's connected. I was painting with my fingers and talking some of the process out loud. I was speaking and painting from one Part, a Part with energy. Part wanted to use black and painted without fearing any consequences, these consequences meaning any little slip up or something being not 'quite right' like putting a picture up on the wall and discovering 1cm further left or right or up or down would actually have been better. Not important, not a consequence to fear and not a consequence worthy of holding me back from actually setting out and doing the thing. My occup. therapist helped me see how 'not doing' because of the fear of consequences is directly connected to how my parents treated me, so having a Part express that through painting is very big. I also noticed when I was feeling in my power (when painting black, especially long lines rather than dots or filling in spaces) how physical pain disappeared and when I experimented with green (one of my fav colours), the pain came back. That doesn't mean I need to encompass more black in my life and rid myself of green, I think it's more about daring to go a different way and not necessarily clinging to old, comfortable ways of being. Like being active and not going back to bed. I had more ideas in my head, but I think they're going to stay there atm.

I noticed it's much easier to have these ideas and impulses in therapy and harder to set them in motion at home. HOWEVER, baby steps count I remind myself. And: consequences aren't important.

Note: I'm very clear in my mind and feelings and was very clear when painting what "consequences aren't important" is referring to and what it is NOT referring to. So as not to trigger anybody else, it is NOT doing whatever I want and who cares how it affects everybody else, who cares if it injures somebody else etc etc. That would be going the way of M, of B1, of SIL2.

In the case of M and B1 it's what I experienced first-hand growing up. So that's why this occup. T session was so huge. Something in me is moving out of that!

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I just wanted you to know that I read this, and I think it's great.  That occup.T session does sound huge, and I am glad you shared what happened here, and how you felt.  Parts of me also listened to things you said here - like that baby steps count and consequences aren't important. 

Sending you a hug too, 
Hope

[Chart]

Blueberry, I agree completely with what Hope wrote. I also want to say that I'm moved by your concern for others. You clearly don't want to inflict ANY pain on anyone else. As you say this is in contrast to your foo, but I take it simply as your immense capacity of empathy and respect and love for others who struggle in similar ways. I respect and admire you. Thank you for sharing all this. Sending hugs and support.
 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope and Chart   

I also want to say that I'm moved by your concern for others.

A big part of it is actually a concern about not being misunderstood and misquoted, partially why my posts tend to get kinda long too. I got misunderstood-on-purpose by FOO and misquoted by them. Tho maybe there is also some concern for others in my post above, probably in fact.

[Papa Coco]

BB

Congratulations on having that insightful experience with the black and green paints. Those little Ah Ha moments are my favorites. I think of that quote, "When the student is ready the teacher appears". It seems like some part of you was ready to learn that about yourself.

It's interesting what you said about long posts due to being intentionally misunderstood by FOO. I had similar FOO issues. Toward the end, I would try to tell myself to stop telling them stuff about myself. I'd tell myself, "Anything I say will be used against me eventually". And, as you know, I am guilty of writing many very long posts. I think that a need to be understood clearly is a huge need in me.

Huh. Now I just had my own ah HA moment.

[Blueberry]

Like being active and not going back to bed

Unfortunately, I'm VERY inactive and constantly going back to bed to doze and read. Or roam around the Internet half the night. Have taken zero of the steps I was imagining doing. Trying to be gentle with myself, or at least not criticise too much. Constant SH is hard to stop atm.

[OwnSide]

Hi Blueberry,

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It sucks to want to hurt yourself all the time. We know. It happens a fair bit.

I hope things get better for you,

All the best,
Sadie 






[PS: This is on behalf of one of my parts, who offered to write the message when I couldn't put the words together. I don't know if I should be representing myself as different people in a public capacity, but I couldn't bring myself to appropriate their words as though I had written them, and what they came up with was more heartfelt than what I had come up with. I hope it expresses the sentiment that even though our specific struggles are different, I (we?) resonate with the sense of struggling to function and wanting to hurt yourself over it. (I also wanted to clarify that I'm not hurting myself often, just getting frequent urges).

All the best from OwnSide also.]

[Desert Flower]

Just sending you some support too, Blueberry. You're not alone.