Accepting CPTSD, now what? (Trigger Warning - Violence)

[Seashadow]

Hello.  I've come to accept that I have C-PTSD; introduced to it by a counselor. Since I was young, I have endured abuse of every kind.  The biggest episode was of my father trying to kill me and my grandmother watching. When my father threw my body outside, he realized I was not dead, then got into his car and tried to run me over.  I have never been the same since.  So, every romantic relationship I've had in my life has been abusive; physically and/or emotionally.  Currently, I am living with my ex fiancé due to poor financial issues, being stuck in a lease together. This last breakup has made me take a moment to step back and wonder why I keep putting myself through this? Over and over again, same guy, just a different face.  That's when I reached out to a counselor and diagnosed me with C-PTSD.  I have 4 months to live with my ex, I feel horrible, and there seems to be no signs of hope.  I want to feel better, but don't think it's possible when I am still in a bad situation.  Is there something I can do to help me cope in the meanwhile?

[Blueberry]

Welcome here!
Imagine yourself into an Inner Safe Place. Even if just repeatedly through the day for a few minutes per time. It'll become semi-automatic with practice and it reduces stress levels and threatening feelings 'in the air'.
Also imagining Inner Helpers (fantasy creatures, animals, angels etc. so long as it's no 'being' that could trigger you). I used to walk around town with an imaginary wolf in tow, and it helped!

If you google 'inner resources' or maybe 'imagination therapy' or something like that, you might get more ideas. I don't live in an English-speaking country and don't know the English terminology for any of these types of methods.

[Wife#2]

Welcome, Seashadow. I can't imagine surviving all you have, but you did. What an amazing person you are, just to survive! Do you realize that?

All those mistakes you made - those are yesterday. Yes, you still have four months until you can move out and be free of the most recent mistake. Still, you know that is on your horizon - a reason for HOPE!

How to get from here to there is a bit trickier. Since the relationship is emotionally dead, it's time to focus on  yourself and some self-acceptance. You are who you are. For now, that has to be enough.

Now, if you can find a good trauma therapist, do that. If that's not possible right now, begin by reading through the tool kit on this website and maybe the tool box on the sister site - Out Of The Fog - for what to do and what NOT to do when living with a Personality Disordered person. There is lots of good advice there. There are lots of caring people on both websites, who want to help.

Welcome!

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Seashadow! (I love that name!!)

As a fellow survivor, I validate your feelings you must have had when you were the victim of such violence. You should have been protected and nurtured; your FOO has failed you in that. The sense of fear and betrayal is inexpressible. I'm sorry the little girl that was you went thru that.

I'm so glad you survived and that you're here now. Thanks for joining!

[Seashadow]

Thank you guys! Really appreciate you all, and this forum 😊

[killingGiants]

Hi Seashadow; I know your post was a couple weeks ago; however, have you reached out into the community where you are? Most have safe houses and such to help beautiful people like yourself, until you get on your feet financially... Some will help with a place of your own, schooling, medical care and such... even if you have children.
It would be worth checking out, to get you out of the situation that you are in, and get into a space of your own to further heal and live you own life.  I truly pray the best for you, and can totally relate to bad choices in relationships... just remember, it is not who you are... You are healing, and the things we need most healing in come up and stare us in the face... those killing giants that need to be put to sleep.  :hug:L